NON REALIZED DRIVE
CH6 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now that I was left alone, strapped to the bed, there was no reason to hold back. Yes, I knew that there was a 95% chance that I was being watched, but right now I just needed to vent. I wanted to scream and shout but a sob left my lips instead and hot tears ran from my eyes.
My body shook with it and I would have liked nothing more then to scream into my pillow, but the straps kept me in place. I just wanted to be in the dark for a while, that always seemed to do the trick. But not this time, my worst nightmare was happening right now.
Ever since I had found out that I wasn't human, that I could shift into a tiger, my big fear was being treated like an animal, locked up and tied up. And it was true that this wasn't the first time that this has happened... but this was hitting the closest to home.
It was my friends and my team that were doing this, not some stranger on a different planet.
I still had nightmares about my rescue trip to that planet, the one with the mad doctor. Being unable to move... helpless as he cut into my neck. He ruined my life! And I still dreamt of the day that I would go back to that planet and rip his throat out with my fangs. A little over board?... not in a million years. I wanted to reach up and feel the back of my neck, just to make sure that it was stitched. I don't know how Mitchell felt about the whole thing, but sometimes I just needed to check. But right now, I couldn't.
The tears had finally stopped, and I was left with a wet face and no way to wipe it dry, I knew that when it did, my face would feel stiff. But that was a grain of salt compared to the things that I really needed to worry about. And now that I was done with my childish breakdown, I could go through them.
I had no idea what was happening to me, or why it was happening now, but it was. I couldn't think of what had triggered it, but one thing that I did know was that it only happened when I fell asleep.
I thought about what Jack had said before he left. Not the Daniel thing, the other thing.
"It wasn't you, Nick. I looked into your eyes and it wasn't you."
The first thing that came to mind was: how could he look into my eyes and not see me?
My second thought was: I'm glad he doesn't considered me to be a monster.
And now that I got those things out of my head, I could be serious about this, because that's what it was. I squeezed my eyes shut, sick of staring at the ceiling as I tried to think. Breath, breath, breath...
He said that it wasn't me. Maybe that was just because he'd never seen me in that kind of mind-set before. He'd seen me go into 'episodes' before; when I intended to shoot myself in the head in front of him, first of many. But they had all been targeted inward, I had never attacked anyone else- except for Joshua, that other Quatonian and that young woman; Joshua was intentional, but the other three were not.
So this was much more different. I knew what I was doing those times, but not these. I had no memory, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I wished that I could see the tapes, so that I at least knew what Jack was talking about, but I guess that wouldn't be a good idea. Though I still wasn't sure whether or not hearing it and not seeing it was worse. I sighed heavily. Concentrate.
Okay... so he said that I acted like an animal. The only time that I had come close to that was when I was in heat. It was an animalistic behaviour that I couldn't control. Was this the same, just some of my instinctive behaviour taking over? I was still stuck on what would trigger this now, and why it hadn't happened before. The only things that's changed since I first become my true-self was that I was stuck in between, I haven't been off-world in what felt like forever, and three days ago was the first time I had been topside since I've been stuck.
I mean, that's all I could think of, and all of those are nothing spe- my thought derailment screeched to a halt. It was the most obvious thing, I had said it a couple times already and I couldn't believe that I was so stupid and thought nothing of it. God I was an idiot!
It wasn't anything that I did with SG-1 at the bowling alley, it was the freedom of not being trapped within the drab walls of the SGC. Could that be it, really? My animal side finally got a taste of the freedom that it could have, and Sebastian... Sebastian finally came out from hiding.
Was that it? Was this Sebastian acting out after being trapped for almost a year?
But nothing as strong or over-powering like this had ever happened before. If this was Sebastian-and as I thought through it more, I was sure that it was- he'd never taken over my body like that. Before, it was he would just supply me with information, or we would talk unconsciously when I kel'no'reemed with Teal'c. But nothing to this extent.
It was frightening. I thought that he was supposed to be my Tiger Guardian, so why was he doing this?
y
