A New Beginning

Chapter 7

Disclosure

Castle came bounding down the stairs and did a double-take when he saw his mother sitting at the counter in the kitchen. He looked at his watch. "Oh, for a minute there I thought I was running late? Since when do you roll out of bed before noon?"

She gave him her 'cut it out' look. "I just thought that maybe you would need to talk this morning before going into work."

"Why?"

"Well, it is, after all, Kate's first day back. You must have some feelings about that. Just thought you might want some motherly advice."

He smiled and said, "Why, do you know someone who has motherly advice?"

She playfully hit him with a dish towel. "I'm serious, Richard. You know, I have been around the romance block a time or two so I just might have something to offer."

He laughed outright. "A time or two? I think that's a bit of an understatement don't you, mother? And for the record, I don't need any help in the romance department."

"Time out," Alexis sang out as she came down the stairs to join them. "Innocent ears coming through. Subject change please."

Castle smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Good morning dear daughter. And don't worry, I believe we were going to be talking about Beckett, so I think it's a safe bet that romance talk will not be an involved."

"Oh. What's going on with Beckett?" Alexis asked.

"Today is Kate's first day back to work. I just thought your father might need to talk about it, that's all."

Alexis hopped off the stool. "Oh. Okay. Well, have a good day. Bye dad."

"Bye. See you tonight."

Martha watched her slowly walk back up the stairs.

"Do you think she is acting oddly?" she asked.

Castle seemed surprised by the question. "Alexis? No why?"

"Didn't you see the look on her face before she took off upstairs? Something is going on with her."

"Yes, it's called being a teenager."

"No, I'm serious. Come to think of it, she acted strangely the other night when Kate stopped by. When she saw her sitting on the couch, she looked like she had seen a ghost. I had to practically force her to come and visit with her until you got back. That's not like her. I think maybe you should go talk to her."

"I'm sure it's nothing. You know Alexis, if she has something to tell us, she'll tell us in her own time. Besides I really have to go now or I'm going to be late."

Kate arrived at the 12th early, before anyone else was there. She wanted a little time to get settled and re-familiarize her self with everything before the work day began. She had a bad case of butterflies and hoped that it wouldn't lead to another panic attack. She hadn't admitted it to Lanie, but she was no stranger to panic attacks. They had been a big part of why she had needed to seek therapy after her mother's death. Until last week, she hadn't had one in years. She considered these attacks a sign of weakness, and never being one to show weakness, she had never told anyone about them. Remembering her therapy, she forced her self to relax and breathe naturally and was rewarded with a sense of calm. Smiling, she grabbed a case file and got to work.

It wasn't long before the precinct came to life as people began arriving. It seemed like everyone who walked in the door took a moment to come over and welcome her back. By the time Ryan and Esposito strolled in she was feeling great. Before she knew it, they were back to business as usual. She was busy putting up information on the board when Roger joined them.

She gave him a friendly smile and held out her hand. "I don't think we got a chance to meet the other day. I'm Detective Beckett."

Roger gave her a half-hearted handshake. "I'm Roger."

Although he hadn't said anything, Beckett got the feeling that he didn't like her much. Since she hadn't done anything wrong, she dismissed it and went back to work.

Twenty minutes later, Castle walked in and joined the group at the board. "Hey guys. Beckett." She tries to make eye contact with him, but he is all business. She fills him in on the case and they are soon caught up in the task of putting together a suspect list. Finally they get to a point where Ryan and Esposito leave to track down leads.

Castle starts to walk towards his office when she calls out to him. "Castle, can I talk to you for a minute."

Before he could answer, the Captain walks up. "Actually, I would like to talk to both of you for a minute." They follow her to her office and sit down.

The Captain shut the door and sat down on the other side of the desk. "How are you feeling Detective Beckett?"

"Much better Ma'am. I want to thank you again for being so understanding about before."

"You're welcome. It's completely understandable under the circumstances. Anyway, the reason I called you both in here was to talk about your relationship."

Taken aback by that comment, Beckett said "Excuse me?"

Castle said "You don't need to worry about that Captain. We're partners, that's all."

Beckett didn't look happy with Castle's answer. "Yes, we're partners." Then she looked at Castle, "And friends."

He turned to look at her and they locked eyes briefly.

The Captain cleared her throat. "Umm, I was referring to your working relationship."

Beckett blushed and said, "Oh."

Castle asked, "What about our working relationship?"

"I just was thinking that we need to clarify roles. Detective Beckett, Mr. Castle's role here has changed, as you are aware. He is no longer a writer shadowing you. He is an equal part of the team now and I just want to make it sure that everyone is on the same page in that respect."

Beckett sat silently. Castle said, "Captain, we've always worked as a team. I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about." She didn't look too convinced. Truthfully neither was he. "Is that all?"

"Well, since it was brought up, I think I should put it out there that I am not comfortable with office romances, so I'm glad to hear this not an issue I'm going to have to address with you two."

They walked out of the office and went over to her desk.

Castle smiled, "Well that was awkward."

She smiled back, "Just a little."

"So, you said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah, I do. Castle, I-"

"There you are," interrupted Roger. "I saw you two talking to the Captain. Everything okay?"

Castle looked annoyed. "Yes, everything is fine." He looked back at Beckett. "You were saying?"

Before she could answer, Ryan and Esposito came over.

"Guess what! We found 12 calls made to the same number in the hour before she was killed. And guess who they were made to?"

"Mr. Callaway!" Both Castle and Beckett said in unison.

Ryan smiled at Esposito. "They're so cute when they do that."

Beckett smiled. "Okay, we're cute. Can we get on with solving this case, please."

They spent the rest of the day putting together their theory and checking facts. Beckett was enjoying being back so much, she was surprised the day had gone so quickly. Before she knew it, everyone was packing up and leaving for the evening.

Castle came over and pulled a chair up to sit by her desk. "So, you made it through your first day back. You holding up okay?"

She smiled. "You know, I am. It was so great to be back here. I really missed this place." She lowered her eyes and started fiddling with a pencil she was holding. Castle patiently sat and waited for her to gather her thoughts. He knew she had been wanting to talk to him about something all day. As anxious as he was to find out what it was, he knew that he needed to let her say it in her own time. Whatever she planned to say, he could see she that it really had her torn up. She went from fiddling the pencil to tapping it on the desk and Castle could sense that she was about to shut down.

He reached over and grabbed her hand to stop the tapping. In a quiet voice he said, "Hey, relax. It's just me. Just tell me". When she still didn't say anything, he got an idea of what might help. He stood up without letting go of her hand. She looked up at him confused, but stood up with him. Lacing his fingers with hers, he led her to his office. Instead of turning on the bright over-head light, he turned on the small reading light on his desk. It gave off just enough light for them to see where they were going.

Beckett looked around. She hadn't been in his office yet. One wall held a ceiling to floor built in book shelf. She walked over, running her fingers over the spines of the books as she looked at them, using that time to calm her nerves. When she felt more in control she turned around to look for Castle. He was sitting on a small leather sofa in the corner of the room. She walked over and sat next to him. It was scary how well he knew her. He knew she would feel more comfortable talking to him in the low lighting. It would keep him from reading her face, letting her tell him only what she wanted him to know. That simple act of compassion brought tears to her eyes.

She took a deep, steadying breath and finally started talking. "First, I need to know something. Why did you stop coming to the hospital?"

"Why? Why do you think? You told me to leave you alone. And you obviously meant it because you got so upset that I was forced to leave the room. Alarms started going off and the nurse told me I was agitating you and that I had to get out. If it makes you feel any better, I hid in the hallway until I knew that you were okay." He wondered if he should say anything about Josh and decided it was best left unsaid. That was her story to tell.

"I don't remember any of that. My first memory is waking up and finding out that I had been shot. I looked for you, but you weren't there. I kept waiting and waiting for you. I knew you were angry at me for pursuing my mother's case, but I never thought you would hate me enough to leave me alone in the hospital. That hurt me Castle, more than you can ever know. I felt so... betrayed."

He could hear the pain in her voice. And to know that he had caused it was almost too much to bear. "First of all, I could never hate you. Never. And you weren't alone. You had Josh."

She turned to look at him for the first time since they had sat down. "I didn't want Josh, Castle. I wanted you! You are my best friend. You have been there for me, even when I didn't want you to be. I needed you to tell me it was okay, to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You said you would always be there for me, but you weren't."

She got up and went to stand where she could look out the window. "I'm sorry. I know I don't have any right to be angry now that I know what really happened. And I'm not. I guess I've just lived with it for so long now that I had to just get it out."

Castle got up to stand behind her. Although he wasn't quite close enough for his body to touch hers, he could sense her tension. "Do you want to know why I really didn't come back?"

"You told me why. Because I told you to go."

"No. The main reason was because I was terrified that my being there was going to cause you to have a set back. When I heard that alarm go off that day and knew that I had caused it somehow, it scared the hell out of me. I wanted to be there with you more than anything, but not if it was going to cause you more pain. If I had known..."

She was so close that he could feel her hair brush against his chest as she shook her head. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. I never told you."

He thought about that for a minute. "Why didn't I know?"

"What do you mean?"

He put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around to face him. "You said I couldn't have known. Why didn't you ever call me. If you were so mad and wondered where I was, why didn't you just ask?"

She didn't know what to do. What was she going to say? Because your daughter came and told me that it was all my fault? That she told me if I cared about you to at all I would let you go? She could say that, and maybe she should. But she had promised Alexis that she wouldn't say anything to him and she planned on keeping her promise.

She turned back around and said, "You know me. Too proud to ask for help, I guess." Now that she thought about it, that was probably just as true, so she didn't feel too bad omitting the part about Alexis' visit.

He put his hands on her shoulders. "It's okay to ask for help you know. It's normal to need other people. It doesn't make you weak."

"Maybe, but in the long run, isn't it better not to need anyone than to need someone who's not there?" Realizing she had revealed too much, she started to walk away.

He felt the second she started to pull away, physically and emotionally. He let his hands slide down her arms and then cross over her small waist, hugging her from behind. Expecting her to pull away, he was surprised when she snuggled back into him, laying her head on his chest under his chin. He was almost afraid to talk and ruin the moment.

"No Kate, it isn't better. I mean, of course needing someone is a risk. But it's a risk worth taking. I promise you, I won't let you down again. I told you before that I don't know what we are, and I guess that's still true. But I really want to find out."

He felt her stiffen in his arms. "What if I'm not ready to find out?"

"Then I guess I'll wait until you are."