A/N: Sorry about the long wait. You know how things go... Anyway, I'm going to try and get a few more chapters up over the next few weeks, hopefully until it's done! Again, this story is written with PhantomTigre, so go check out her stories as well if you like this one.
A few days later Hermione found Ron crying in the common room. It was late in the evening- Hermione had been at the library, losing herself in studying. She hadn't expected anyone else to be up. Why was he down there alone- where was Ginny, where was Harry? Ron shouldn't have been alone- Hermione suddenly realized that she was one of the people that should have been around too. With a quick wash of guilt she noticed she'd sort of been ignoring Harry and Ron, assuming that Harry was fine because he'd seemed fine, assuming Ron was fine because he was cheerful… But it hadn't been a year for all of them.
"Ron?" she asked softly, creeping up behind him. The sniffles stopped short and the redhead looked over at her, blinking furiously.
"I- it's not," he started to say, but Hermione moved around the sofa and sat down beside him in front of the warm, reassuring fire. She paused to stare at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug.
"It's okay, Ron," she told him softly, holding him tight. He let a shuddering half gasp half sob and starting crying again.
"How can everyone act so normal?" Ron whispered a few minutes later and pulled back from her to lean against the sofa, his eyes red- but everything was red in the Gryffindor common room.
"I hope you don't think I'm acting normal," Hermione said with a short laugh- making out with Malfoy, chasing after Professor Snape… Of course Ron didn't know about either of those things, but Hermione was still acutely aware that she'd become a rather different person.
"Not you," Ron said shakily, taking a few deep breaths, "Nor Harry or Ginny… Just, everyone else. The Professors. The students who didn't lose anyone. The war wasn't a wash over- it didn't touch some people and others… It's so screwed up."
"It's their way of coping," Hermione told him, "Just keep on living, one breath at a time. There isn't anyone the war didn't touch, Ron."
"It's so fake," Ron said in response to that, "To just keep pretending. It's so fake. Lavender broke down crying in Care of Magical Creatures- someone escorted her away and we just went on with the lesson, as if it were normal and as if it wasn't like we all felt like crying too."
Hermione just nodded, thinking about how she'd been doing a lot of crying recently too. Just for different reasons. She'd finished crying for the war a long time ago. Severus had helped her get over that, in part. She wondered if he remembered.
It had been three months since Hermione had landed herself in the past. Three agonizing months of trying and trying and trying to find a way back. It was depressing. She sat out by the lake, under the same tree she would sit with Harry by in ten years. It was very lonely, and Hermione found herself missing Harry tremendously. It wouldn't be so bad if she'd been sent back, say twenty years, when people like James and Lupin would all be there and she could entertain herself getting to know the young versions of the people she'd get to know in the future. But no- the only people here were some of the Professors that stayed on for another ten years and longer- Severus for one, and Dumbledore most of all. Seeing Dumbledore was painful every time. It vividly reminded her of the war, but it was also… it was like dreaming about a good memory, like eating cookies you know you won't ever get to taste again.
But she felt so alone there. It reminded her chillingly of under the tent, the night of Bill and Fleur's wedding. Not knowing where Ron was- the moths still fluttering cheerfully around the golden lanterns. She could hear them Apparate in- a slight whoosh of displaced air swirling around them… That was when they started running, and hadn't stopped running for so long that Hermione had thought it might be forever. She shivered, then suddenly realized she couldn't stop shivering. Her hands shook in her lap and she stood up, intending to go back up to the castle. She couldn't stay down there any longer, in the grass, alone… She knew you couldn't Apparate onto Hogwarts grounds but… She walked quicker up the grass, wringing her hands together in attempt to stop them from shaking. It only became more pronounced.
She hurried up the steps and was about to reach for the door handle when it instead opened for her. Hermione looked up, and saw Severus standing there.
"Miss Saunders…" he started to say, then noticed the expression on her face, and the shaking of her hands and shoulders.
"I…" Hermione started to say, but then Severus took her by the shoulders and pulled her inside. He directed her through the halls and down into the dungeons and into his office, where he sat her down on the sofa and then moved over to his shelves, scanning them for a moment before plucking out a small vial. He took a cup off his desk and waved his wand over it, then poured a few drops from the vial into the cup.
"Drink this," he demanded, thrusting the cup at her.
Hermione was too startled to disobey, so she took the cup and sipped at it. It tasted like tea, and something else that she couldn't quite identify, but she drank it anyway, assuming the Potions Master knew what he was giving her. As she sat, with him leaning up against the door way, the shaking in her arms, in her body, slowed down and then finally came to a stop. Hermione sighed and leaned back against the sofa.
"Now tell me why you're having panic attacks in the middle of the day while alone outside," he said, gazing at her unflinchingly.
Hermione looked up at him, her brain grinding to try and figure out what to say and how to react to what he was saying. Just tell the truth, something inside her whispered, He'll assume it's from the first war…
"I…" Hermione started, then faltered, finding herself at a loss for coherent speech. She still felt a chill inside her, even though the shaking had stopped. She could still hear that thrum in the air from Apparating Death Eaters.
But Severus was silent. He didn't press her, so she took a deep breath and found the courage to speak.
"I was just remembering," she said, "The war- against You-Know-Who. It… I got to feeling lonely and… I was at a wedding when Death Eaters started Apparating around us. So many of them. I had no defense, I was only nine... I didn't know where my family was. I've never felt so scared in my entire life. It was as if… as if my life ended there. I was so sure I was going to die. Apparation makes this noise, you know. From the air movement. I can still hear it. And just now, sitting out under the tree… I felt alone. It got to me. I… sorry."
"There is no need to apologize for what is beyond the conscious mind's control," Severus said softly, "How do you feel?"
"Still a little shaky- inside," Hermione confessed, then added, "I feel cold."
"Need I walk you to your rooms?" he inquired, straightening up, "You should be fine. I would advise trying to take a nap. Tea would help, as well."
"No, I'll be all right," Hermione started to say, then thought of walking down the corridors by herself and shuddered, "Actually…I would appreciate that very much, sir."
He nodded, and they left his office. He did not say anything as they walked to her rooms, and Hermione was grateful. She wasn't quite sure what to make of this Snape, this Snape who recognized what was needed and wasted not a moment in doing it. It was something she would have expected of McGonagall, but Severus Snape? Maybe not…
They stopped at the door to her rooms and she touched the door handle, preparing to go in, but then stopped and looked up at him, whispering, "Thank you."
He didn't answer, but Hermione had the feeling he was pleased. She slipped inside her room and closed the door. When she sat down on the edge of her bed, she realized that that one small thing made her feel a lot better than the potion or talking about it had. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.
Hermione, over the next few days, tried to put Severus out of her mind. She considered moving on from him, putting their relationship down as gone and continuing with the life she had led before going back in time. Maybe even start something serious with Malfoy- though she had a feeling she'd be getting into something with him either way. But then she'd go into Potions class, and she stayed quiet and discreet, but she also watched him. She watched him picking on students, heard his careful word choice and his mixing of potions during demonstrations. Every movement, every word, reminded her of when she was with him. She also remembered how he'd helped her, and she had the feeling he'd do that again, if given the chance, even now.
Severus had aged ten years, and been through more than she figured she could imagine, but he was, she sensed, still essentially the same person. Hermione still loved him, and she couldn't let that go.
She wondered if the age gap made a difference- he had been eleven years older than her when they first fell in love, now he was twenty-one years older. She supposed there had been weirder relationships, but most of the young woman-old man relationships revolved around money, and nothing between her and Severus was even remotely related to monetary issues. There was an age gap before, and there still was, and Hermione knew it didn't matter to her. She only hoped he didn't see her as too young now, that he had the sense to realize that she couldn't possibly be too young when she had been the same age ten years earlier.
This is going to be a long haul, she thought, watching him swoop around the classroom, For me to rewin his heart. In all this time, he's become cold again, colder than he had been before.
It was the first really cold day of the year, in late October. Some of the trees were already completely naked, unhappily anticipating the cold winter months ahead, while others were still stubbornly holding onto as many of their colorful dying accessories as possible. The frosty ground crunched satisfyingly underneath Hermione's feet as she, Harry, and Ron trudged down to pay Hagrid a visit. She suspected that this was an attempt of Harry and Ron's to try and distract her, or cheer her up, and spend more 'just the three of us' time.
Hagrid was out back in the pumpkin patch when they arrived, trying to coax some last minute growth spurts of the large orange vegetables for the Halloween feast. And some of them were quite huge, the largest, Hermione guessed, being almost three feet in diameter.
She hadn't seen much of Hagrid when she'd been back in time. He hadn't been a Professor back then, still the groundskeeper. The half-giant seemed to prefer being less noticeable.
Today though, he was happy as usual to see them.
"Nasty bit of weather we're having?" he asked amiably as he finished with the pumpkins. Hermione pet Fang absentmindedly, who'd come up behind her and shoved a wet nose into her hand.
"Bitter," Ron commented.
"Well, I have to feed the Thestrals now," Hagrid said, "Tenebrus has been rather particular about his meat this past month."
Harry perked up a little bit at that, despite their creepy appearance Harry had always seemed to have an interest in the creatures ever since their wild ministry ride. Hermione had an appreciation for them, like all animals, but she'd didn't particularly want to repeat that ride- even with them visible. Harry had always attracted the stranger animals, and was probably able to relate to them more she supposed.
So they followed Hagrid out behind his hut into the Forbidden Forest. It was around midday, so they had no trouble seeing what looked like an ordinary forest. Hermione knew there really weren't very many forests like the one around Hogwarts though. It was only a few minutes until they came upon a clearing where the Thestrals were- meandering about in a bored fashion. Hermione suspected they were perfectly capable of finding food on their own- but Hagrid would insist on caring for them anyway.
Seeing them made an intense loneliness wash over Hermione. They were such strange creatures, and it always made her mind hurt to think that these were the creatures she rode and Harry saw when they flew to the Department of Mysteries.
"I've never seen it from this way before," Hermione said as the carts she once thought of as horseless jolted up to the gates of Hogwarts and all those except the first years poured out. The thin, dark, and bony creatures that pulled them looked particularly sinister.
Severus glanced at her, and eyebrow raised, and Hermione suddenly realized he must have expected her to be from another school- after all, she hadn't been there last year, or the year before…
She gave him a look like, "What?" and hoped he didn't think on it anymore. If she didn't make a big deal of her slip, he probably wouldn't notice. Severus was a quiet man.
"You can see them." It was a statement. Hermione glanced back over at the Potions Master and met his gaze. She looked away, back towards the ghostly horses, and the nodded.
"Thestrals, right?" she asked, "They eat carrion and are sometimes seen as bad omens. Yet invisible to almost everyone. I wonder what the general population of Hogwarts would do if they realized that Thestrals pulled the carriages."
Severus made a noise and Hermione looked back at him. He looked amused. Hermione smiled too and wrapped her arms around her. It was September again- in a month it'd be a year. A year in the past.
"Who was it?" Severus asked, looking at her again.
"Who?" Hermione responded, even though she knew. When she met his glance once more she saw that he knew that too. She sighed and stepped closer to him, thinking about the future- when she'd seen people die. A place she probably wouldn't see for another nine years. She shivered- it would be horrible having to relive all six years of Hogwarts and the seventh when they were horcrux hunting, watching and knowing everything that was going on and being unable to stop it, unable to reveal herself until it was over.
"I didn't really have much of a childhood," she said a few moments later, to Severus as they started to walk back into the entrance hall, to meet the students there. Well- Severus would. She'd already be seated inside.
They paused inside and Hermione added on, "A friend's older brother was one of them. You-Know-Who's followers."
"That must have been hard," Severus said, and took her hand as they stood there, giving it a slight squeeze.
"It was a long time ago," Hermione said- even though it wasn't. It felt like seven years- which she supposed it would have been if she'd really lived through the first Voldemort War.
They stopped talking as they heard the chatter of students coming up the lawn outside. Time for the welcoming feast- and the sorting. That would be fun. She and Severus exchanged close glances, then departed.
When Hagrid started spreading out foul meat for the Thestrals they wandered over, looking curiously at Harry, Ron, and her. Hermione smiled and stepped over to one of them and patted its scaly, bony neck. It stared at her with pale white eyes as it ripped another chunk of meat from off the ground.
"You're not that bad," Hermione told it, then stepped back and gave Harry a smile.
When they left Hagrid some time later, Hermione realized that she felt better. She felt almost happy. Harry and Ron headed back up the common room while Hermione slipped off to the library, planning on getting in some extra studying.
"So, how about that kiss?" a voice drawled. She was in a side corridor, still a minute or so from the library.
Hermione felt a brief flash of guiltiness for playing around with Malfoy while planning on pursuing Severus Snape. Malfoy though… Hermione needed to feel someone's arms around her.
"How about it?" she teased with a smile.
Malfoy stepped forward until his face was bare inches from hers, daring her to continue teasing him. Hermione took this as an invitation and kissed him gently, still holding onto her bag.
"This probably isn't the best place," Hermione breathed as she lowered her face. Malfoy's arms had wrapped themselves around her sometime during their kiss and Hermione wasn't totally sure she was comfortable with someone walking down the hallway and discovering them.
"I know a few places," Malfoy commented with a smirk. His hair was neat and tidy today. He looked as though he'd probably been heading from the library to his dormitory. His icy blue eyes met hers confidently but without a trace of the animosity that had characterized their encounters during their former school years. Perhaps ocean blue would be a better word to describe them.
Hermione laughed and slung her back over her shoulder, "Lead the way."
Malfoy led her to a set of room that was very obviously unoccupied. It looked like it might have been a Professor's suite at one point, but the inch of dust covering some of the furniture suggested it hadn't been that in a while. The sofa and bed however, were not dusty, and Hermione suspected Malfoy wasn't the only person who brought people here.
"You know Malfoy," Hermione said dropping her bag onto the floor, "I want you to know that I know you're not really a jerk. You're just another person who's scared to death, I've always known that."
Malfoy looked a little offended but answered honestly, "That's what I like about you Granger. I always felt that you knew me better than I knew myself. It made me uneasy."
Hermione let herself laugh thinking about how he'd spent most of last summer with the Death Eaters, and Severus. If anyone knew what fear was, he did. She was surprised at how easy it was to talk to him though. She hadn't expected him to be so forward and truthful about his own feelings.
"So, fancy a quick shag?" he asked gesturing towards the bed.
Hermione could tell he was half joking, but it suddenly seemed tempting to her and without really thinking about, she decided to take him up on it.
"You'll need your clothes off first Malfoy," she said walking over to him and undoing the clasp on his robes. Malfoy looked momentarily surprised but quickly recovered as Hermione kissed him gently, letting his robes drop to the ground.
A/N: Thank you for reading, any comments/critiques would be much appreciated!
