Pikachu's Girlfriend by Father Hulk
(Keldeo's Point of View, of course)
(Keldeo appears to be upset and very unenthusiastic)
It's me, Keldeo The Critic. I review Pokemon FanFiction when I'm not training with the other Swords of Justice.
I am in a very bad mood. Why? Two reasons. One, Melloetta broke up with me. Two, I have to review this stupid fanfic called "Pikachu's Girlfriend."
I know what you're thinking, what could be wrong with Pikachu getting a girlfriend? Well, nothing. But this fanfic just does the stupidest things! That's what the whole thing is. Stupid. So, why don't we just dive right in and get this over with!
It's chow time for Ash and his pals, and romance calls Pikachu away. But is it all for the best? RR Plz!
What an innocent little summary. . .it's funny how it hides the incompetence this story possess!
So, we start off from Pikachu's point of view.
I was hungry. Really hungry. My stomach gurgled as I walked beside Ash towards Goldenrod City. We hadn't eaten anything since the morning, and since it was 4:30 in the afternoon, my system definitely needed more nourishment.
"Ash!" I cried, "I'm hungry!" Unfortunately, my message came out sounding like my name. Again.
Wait-wait-wait. . .You're upset by this? That's how it's always been! At the time of this fanfic you've traveled all over Kanto! You'd think you'd be used to the language barrier by now!
And another thing, when does this fanfic take place? Ash is alone, he's not traveling with anyone. He's got his Kanto Pokemon, and Goldenrod City is in Kanto, but where are Brock and Misty? Why is Ash even there! He got the Plain Badge, why is he going back? To eat? To visit? Answer me!
"Come on, Pikachu," Ash said, "I can tell you're just as hungry as I am." And so, he hoisted me onto his shoulders and we entered the Goldenrod Department Store and got on the elevator to the food court level.
"Help you, can I?" said the host when we arrived.
"I'd like a large booth for me and my Pokemon." Ash told him.
"Hmm… This way, come." said the host, and he darted off. We tried to follow, and we saw him peeking around the corner. "Come on, come on!" he called. "Good food waits, yes!"
He led us to a large corner booth. "Here, you shall sit. Be with you in a moment, the waiter will." And he was gone.
"All right you guys, chow time!" Ash declared, and with a brilliant flash of white light, all my friends were sitting around the booth.
"All right, dinner time at last!" cried Charmander.
"I'm so hungry I could eat a Ponyta!" said Chikorita.
"I'm getting everything on the menu!" declared Charizard, who had some difficulty sitting at the booth, what with his wings and all. Of course, Ash understood none of this, which was good at times. Having your own language is kind of cool.
At long last, the waiter appeared with his Mr. Mime. "What can I get you folks tonight?" He asked.
"Er, maybe Charizard should order first." said Ash.
"Certainly. I'll get another order pad."
What is going on here? Pokemon don't eat with humans? And they don't eat human food either? How come no one watches the show?
Well, luckily, the Point of view changes and we move over to see Team Rocket sitting in the restaurant- oh my gosh, why are criminals sitting in a restaurant? I mean, they attacked a nearby farm! Shouldn't there be wanted posters? And they're wearing big red "R's" on their chests? How could anyone miss that?
"Hmm…" Meowth put his chin in his hands. He then spotted a passing Delcatty. "Hey baby, what are you doing Saturday night?" He promptly got hit with her tail.
(WAH-WAH-WAH-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)
Aha! I got a sound effect to do it for me this time!
Suddenly, a Delibird wandered through the tables and chairs, looking left and right. Over its shoulder was a brown bag with a big, red "R" on it.
"Hey, little bird, over here!" Jessie called. The Delibird wandered over and held up a piece of paper on which was written "Jessie and James."
"That's us."
He then pulled something out of the bag… a Poke Ball and a communicator. He handed them to James, and returned the way he came.
"What do you suppose this is?" James wondered. He pressed the Activate button on the communicator, and a flickering image of Giovanni appeared.
"I've decided to end one of our biggest issues." He said, cutting right to the chase. "All of your efforts to catch that kid's Pikachu, especially when you could be doing more serious missions, have failed miserably. So… here's a Pikachu for your very own."
Jessie gasped.
"So now maybe you can forget the brat and get on to more important things. This Pikachu's name is Pikette. Take good care of her. See you back at the base. Farewell." The image faded and disappeared.
After a moment of silence, all three of them broke into huge grins. "WE GOT A PIKACHU! WE GOT A PIKACHU!" Jessie and James hugged each other. "We finally got a Pikachu!"
"Let's see it then." Meowth said.
Jessie slowly pressed the center button of the Poke Ball, and in a flash of light, there stood a Pikachu, slightly shorter than Ash's, and with a pink flower next to her right ear. "PIKACHU!" She looked around at them, and said, "Pikachu PIKAchu Chu!"
That's right! Team Rocket has received a female Pikachu, and to tell us she's female, she has a flower in her hair! Yeah, it's not like female Pikachu's have any real natural sexual dimorphisms like, oh, I don't know. . .maybe. . .AN INDENT ON THE TAIL TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A HEART! USE - A - POKEDEX!
So, it seems Pikette really likes Team Rocket. And Meanwhile, back with Pikachu.
I have never tasted any better food than what they serve here in Goldenrod. With the plates piled high we began our feast. Charizard wolfed down a plateful at a gulp, and Bulbasaur and Chikorita grabbed their food with their vines and tossed in into their mouths. I noticed that Charmander was slowly breathing fire over his hamburger.
(Keldeo is shaking with rage as his eyes twitch)
. . . .
Are you kidding me?
You've got Charmander and Charizard?
Don't you now anything?!
Ash's Charmander evolved into Charizard! They can't both be here at the same time! They're the same Pokemon! What are you, a moron?! Don't you have any idea how the show works! How dare you write FanFiction! A fan would not get this stuff wrong!
(Keldeo bangs his head on the ground)
Uggh. . .let's move on, please!
"But…" I trailed off before I could finish. For, you see, I had shifted my gaze to my right, and to a few tables over. There, standing upon that table, was a vision of beauty… A gorgeousfemale Pikachu! I didn't even notice whose table she was at… I was mesmerized! I couldn't help but stare. Gradually, Ash's voice cut into my thoughts.
"…Pikachu? Pikachu!"
"What? What is it?" I cried, coming back to my senses.
"What were you staring at?" Ash asked.
I turned and pointed to the other table.
Ash was startled when he saw who was sitting there. "You were staring at Jessie and James?"
"No, stupid! Look over THERE!"
Ash looked again, and then grinned. "So you're checking out the ladies, huh Pikachu?"
I grinned sheepishly, then turned back to gaze at her once again.
"Well, don't become too interested." Ash said, turning back to his meal. "Any Pokemon that is friends with those two means trouble, so I won't let you near her."
"WHAT?" I cried, "You can't be serious!"
Ash could tell that I was upset, but said, "It won't do you any good to complain, Pikachu. Team Rocket AND their Pokemon are bad news."
My heart split.
Yeah! Shame on you Ash! Same on you for keeping Pikachu away from evil criminals who repeatedly try to kidnap him!
Portal Announcer: Sarcasm Sphere self test complete
Ah. . that sounds better than GLaDOS!
And also, if you spotted criminals from a terrorist organization sitting in a restaurant, shouldn't your first instinct be to call the cops? I mean, what if you saw members of Al Qaeda in McDonald's? Shouldn't you do something? Think Ash! THINK!
So, meanwhile, Pikette is also entranced with Pikachu.
"Okay. So, Pikette, in Team Rocket we have three passions: Money, Evil, and… money again! Ha ha ha! You with me so far? Pikette? Pikette!" James had to yell at their new companion, who had seemingly gone into a trance. Then James followed her gaze over to the adjacent table.
James quickly sat at attention and whispered to the group, "Don't look behind me."
Meowth craned his neck to look. James slapped him down. "I SAID don't look. It's the twerp."
"What?" Jessie whispered furiously. "What is HE doing here? Is that Pikachu with him?"
James looked again. "Yes."
Jessie grinned and said, "James, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That Martha Stewart is totally not guilty? Totally!"
(Keldeo has a stupefied look on his face)
I don't know what's going on! I'm so confused! Who's Martha Stewart? Is she even from Kanto? Or Unova? Who even cares?!
Jessie smacked him. "No, nitwit! I'm thinking that we use our Pikachu to lure the twerp's Pikachu over to us, and then we have both of them!"
James got an anime happy face. "It's the perfect plan, Jess! Let's do it!"
"Okay, Pikette, go make nice with that Pikachu over there and bring him to us!"
"Pika pika pika!"
"She said she'll do it." Meowth said. Pikette began walking towards Ash's table.
And so, the temptress comes to Pikachu. . .
Suddenly, I looked up, and saw her coming towards me! I rubbed my eyes, and looked again. There she was! I cried out for joy!
"My love!" I cried, jumping up.
"Pikachu!" She called. "Come to me!" She waved and winked.
I went to dash over to her, but Ash grabbed me around the waist and held on to me. "Oh no you don't! Hey you, other Pikachu, stay away from MY Pikachu!"
"I mean no harm to you or your Trainer, sweet Pikachu!" she called out in an angelic voice. "Break free! Break free!"
I couldn't help myself. It was like the sirens calling to Odysseus, who was tied to the mast of his ship. Only this time, the bonds could be undone! I thundershocked Ash, and he cried and let go. I was free! I bounded over the seat!
Wow. . .that was a pretty good allusion to a very famous Greek epic Poem. . .
(Suddenly, Coballion walks in with a smile and begins speaking)
"Indeed!" Coballion said, still smiling, "The Odyssey, or Greek: Odýsseia, is one of two major ancient Greek epic poems attributed to Homer."
Yeah, I know, and-
"It is, in part, a sequel to the Iliad, the other work ascribed to Homer."
Um, yeah, you had me read it last summer. So-
"The poem is fundamental to the modern Western canon, and is the second oldest extant work of Western literature, the Iliad being the oldest."
Um, Coballion, I'm trying to-
"It is believed to have been composed near the end of the 8th century BC, somewhere in Ionia, the Greek coastal region of Anatolia."
Oh boy. Ignore him.
(Coballion continues to do a Wikipedia-like speech in the background)
So, I have to admit, making this comparison was a clever idea. In fact, that might actually boost my opinion of this Fanfic a bit!
Slow Motion/Slow Talking scene!
(Keldeo gains a desperate look)
No. . . .
ASH: Piiiiiiikachuuuu!
CHARIZARD: Gooo get her!
ASH: Don't goooo!
ME: Piiiikaaa!
End Slow Motion scene
Okay! You blew it! You blew it! I mean, why would you have a slow motion scene in a FanFic? I mean, if this animated, then it would be funny. But, when you're reading it, there is no speed! Any speed there is comes from the readers mind! I could do the whole thing in slow mo if I wanted to, because I'm the one reading it. This cheesy attempt at humor just shows how lame this story is!
"Many scholars believe that the original poem was composed in an oral tradition by an aoidos, perhaps a rhapsode , and was more likely intended to be heard than read."
And so, Pikachu and Pikette hit of real quick, until they reach Team Rocket's table.
I glared daggers up at Jessie and James and I said, "Touch me and you die!"
Pikette giggled. "Oh Pikachu, don't be silly. They're my friends. They won't hurt you."
"You don't know them like I do," I warned her. "They're dangerous."
"Hey, Pikachu thinks you guys are dangerous!" Meowth told them.
Well, yeah! And shouldn't Pikachu be suspicious of a Pokemon who works with the EVIL Team Rocket? Well, guess what? He should have!
Pikette turned to me with the most beautiful smile on her face. "Ah, Pikachu? I was wondering if you would do something for me, sweetie?"
"Anything!" I said, too infatuated to be suspicious.
Well, thanks for clearing that up! I would never have known!
Portal 2 Announcer: Sarcasm Sphere self test complete
"She looked down, ran her foot across the floor, looked up and said, "Welll, I'd really love it if you'd get into this Poke Ball for me." She held up a Poke Ball that Meowth had passed her.
BWEE! BWEE! BWEE! Red flag, red flag! I abhorred Poke Balls, I hated them, I despised them, and I swore to myself I would never ever EVER get into one!
"No way! I'm sorry, but no way in heck!" I crossed my arms.
(Keldeo holds his head in his hooves)
You know, now that we're in the inner depths of Pikachu's psyche, we could've had a very interesting sequence where we discover why Pikachu hates Pokeballs. That would have been really cool. Maybe a quick flash-back. I could've been serious or humorous. Or maybe Pikachu could have just gone out and said why. But nope! we don't even get a Noodle Incident to think about! It's just "I hate Pokeballs" and that's it! It's called details, Father Hulk! Try using them once in a while!
Pikette took my hand and gazed into my eyes. "Pleeease? For me, Pikachu?"
I found my will weakening. She was just so beautiful… I found it difficult to argue. "Well… well…"
She kissed me! The gorgeous thing kissed me! That tore away the last of my resistance. "PUT ME IN IT, BABY!" I screamed, pounding my chest.
"Good boy!" She cooed in my ear, and pressed the Poke Ball against my head, and I was drawn inside.
She kissed him? Where? On the cheek? On the lips? On the tail? What kind of kiss was it? How long? Did he kiss back? How did it feel? It was your first kiss! How was it! Explain it describe! GIVE ME SOME DETAILS YOU DUMMY!
"That was so easy!" James cried.
"I know! I know! We're the best!"
"Oh, Jessie, I love you!"
Jessie seemed confused. "What did you say, James?"
"I said, I love you…. Uh, in that shirt! It looks really good on you."
The horrible lack of details has blinded me so much that I can't even enjoy the Rocketshipping!
"The Odyssey begins ten years after the end of the ten-year Trojan War (that is the subject of the Iliad), and Odysseus has still not returned home from the war."
Suddenly, a huge shadow fell over the table. The pair looked up to see Ash and his whole crew of Pokemon glaring at them.
"Give… back… my… Pikachu."
"Oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that!" Jessie cackled. "You're too late!"
"I said, give him back." Ash growled, cracking his knuckles.
Pikette jumped in between them. "Don't you hurt my trainers!"
"And you! I'll take care of you first!"
Jessie and James rose to their feet. "Are you sure you want to do that? Are you willing to get into a brawl right here in the restaurant? Because we've got a better Pikachu on our side, and we'll defeat all of you."
Ash ignored this comment. "Charizard… handle the femme Pikachu."
Obediently, Charizard picked up Pikette in his scaly claw. Pikette summoned down the Thunder and blew Charizard across the room.
"This is war!" Ash screamed, and the Pokemon went at it.
So, you'd think an all out brawl between all of those Pokemon would be awesome, right?
NOPE! NOT IN THIS FANFIC!
The battle is not at all described. All we know is that they go at it, but we don't get to see the attacks or techniques being used at all. And wait, it gets worse! Ash actually fights Jessie and James with his bare hands!
WATCH!
THE!
SHOW!
This is like, Yugi and Kaiba are dueling, and suddenly Kaiba just pulls out a guns and shoots him!
People duel with Pokemon in this world! They don't fight anymore!
Thank goodness we're almost at the end.
He snatched Pikachu's Poke Ball and threw it down, releasing me into the whole mess!
"Pikachu!" Ash cried, "Stop them!"
"I can't!" I cried back. "Pikette will get hurt!"
"I can't understand you!" Ash called as James roundhoused him. "Just do it!"
I ran to Pikette's side. "We have to stop them!" I cried.
"I know!" She yelled over the noise. "It looks like we have but one choice."
We nodded, kissed, held on to each other, and then summoned Thunderbolts on all sides.
KABOOM!
The smoke slowly but surely cleared, and the scene to behold was a sight to see! Everyone was still standing, covered completely in soot. All the Pokemon had been knocked out except us, and Ash and Jessie and James were standing with a look of bewilderment on their faces.
Finally, James coughed out smoke and said, "Hey, Jess… we're still here. We didn't blast off."
"How….shocking!"
Everybody burst out laughing.
THE END!
(Keldeo stares blankly for a moment, but then suddenly repeatedly uses Secret Sword)
THIS FIC STINKS! THIS FIC STINKS! IT STINKS! IT STINKS! STINK-STINK-STINK!
(The FanFic explodes after being hit with Secret Sword so many times)
This is crazy! In every possible meaning of the word! Nothing about this FanFic makes sense! It's pure nonsense!
This story was written by Father Hulk
© 2004 PDG Network in association with the St. Eva Church
This guy actually has the nerve to put a Copyright on the bottom of this, as if anyone would want to steal this!
This story went nowhere! It had a whole bunch of errors in relation to the canon, it had Charizard and Charmander at the same time, it left us wondering if Pikette was really evil or even really loved Pikachu, it gave us a bunch of stupid jokes that fell flat, and ended in the most of stupid of ways that had no resolution whatsoever! This has go to be one of the worst Pokemon FanFics I have ever read!
Well, I'm Keldeo the Critic, and I just reviewed a Pokemon FanFiction!
(Keldeo walks off, but Coballion is still talking with his eyes closed while smiling proudly)
"The Odyssey was written in dactylic hexameter. The Odyssey opens in medias res, in the middle of the overall story, with prior events described through flashbacks or storytelling. This device is also used by later authors of literary epics, such as Virgil in the Aeneid, Luís de Camões in Os Lusíadas and Alexander Pope in The Rape of the Lock.
In the first episodes, we trace Telemachus' efforts to assert control of the household, and then, at Athena's advice, to search for news of his long-lost father. Then the scene shifts: Odysseus has been a captive of the beautiful nymph Calypso, with whom he has spent seven of his ten lost years. Released by the intercession of his patroness Athena, through the aid of Hermes, he departs, but his raft is destroyed by his divine enemy Poseidon, who is angry because Odysseus blinded his son, Polyphemus. When Odysseus washes up on Scherie, home to the Phaeacians, he is assisted by the young Nausicaa and is treated hospitably. In return, he satisfies the Phaeacians' curiosity, telling them, and the reader, of all his adventures since departing from Troy. The shipbuilding Phaeacians then loan him a ship to return to Ithaca. . ."
THE END
Performed by Keldeo of the Swords of Justice
Credits
Wikipedia
The comments expressed in this review are exaggerated and more focused on the negative aspects rather than the good aspects in an attempt to create humorous reactions. Therefore, there may be a chance that there may be an appearance of bashing when in reality there is none and the FanFiction itself is in fact a very good one and deserves the highest praise. Also, particularly bad FanFictions will receive a total thrashing.
(This was a parody of the Nostalgia Critic by Doug Walker on That Guy With The Glasses)
