Ch. 7

They pulled into the Guster's driveway a little late in the afternoon and the hungry teenagers could smell dinner from the porch. Tyler immediately jumped in the swing and pulled Gus down with him before they'd even knocked on the door. Being so close to his family and not greeting them first was something Gus had never done. He found the liberation strange to enjoy. Having the extra time to experience being back before he returned to being the old Gus. He shot a glance at Tyler and wondered if he'd taken it upon himself to call ahead.

The other boy was swinging them back and forth by one foot, his head leaned back and watching the sky. It was nowhere near as dark as Tyler usually liked it but a few stars could be spotted if he knew where to look. With his hair pushed away from his face, eyes up and mouth open as he sang, Tyler looked so exposed and vulnerable. Easily breakable, like he'd called himself when Gus had brought him down from hours on the roof without a coat that day in December. As if feeling the stare, Tyler's eyes seemed to snap in place with Gus' and the swing slowed.

"You kissed me." It seemed too loud on the quiet street and with where they were, Gus felt more than a little lost with his two world's colliding. Still, he knew better than to think Tyler had made it up.

"When?" Tyler seemed almost thankful for the question.

"Drunk." His left eye twitched and Gus knew they were playing the game. Fragment sentences to see how far they would get. At first Gus had done it to make fun of Tyler's knack for getting points across using as little words as possible before it spiraled out of control. It wasn't that strange until Tyler tried to convey "Hippie" by humping a potted plant and they were awkwardly kicked out for a day.

"You?" He cocked an eyebrow and Tyler understood.

"Enjoyed it." The eyes returned to the sky and Gus wanted them back.

"You did?" he asked, instead.

"You were sweet." Tyler whispered but it felt like they were spoken to the sky. It was odd that out here the sky didn't feel like his and Gus'.

"Sweet?" Gus repeated, knowing Tyler probably thought he was a little slow now.

"And wrong." Tyler supplied.

"How?"

"Not Shawn." Tyler pointed to his chest and it was a moment before Gus got it.

"I did, I'm sor—"

"You suck at the game, Gus." Tyler interjected, swinging them again. "There are no apologies in Tyger Sentences." He looked over and smiled to let Gus know he wasn't upset and was surprised to see that Gus was. "What's—"

"Again." Shot out like a bullet and they were about to start again when the door opened. Tyler looked up at the older woman in the doorway and felt the urge to jump up, like they'd been doing something wrong.

"Gus? This is a pleasant surprise." Mrs. Guster pulled Gus into her arms and laughed when he tried to pull back to breathe easier. "Sorry. I forget you don't have that meat on your bones anymore. Have you been eating well at that school of yours? I saw Debra Ray Graham's daughter a few weeks ago and that girl is nothing but skin and bone, it's just not healthy."

Tyler finally got to his feet and stood a few feet away, waiting to be introduced. Gus was grinning from ear to ear, not a trace of unhappiness on his face and Tyler hadn't seen that since… well he'd never seen him that unabashedly happy. He couldn't help the selfish bit of him that ached to make Gus feel that way, so he pasted a big grin on his face instead of stealing Gus back and running for the hills.

Eventually, Mrs. Guster noticed the other young man on her porch. She took a step back and slapped Gus on the arm, quite hard. "Burton William Guster, where are your manners! Introduce us."

Gus winced and glared at Tyler like it was his fault. "Mom, I was getting to it. Ow!" She slapped him again.

"Don't snap at me." She warned before opening her arms up to Tyler. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Winnie Guster, welcome to our home. Gus likes to pretend we're on complete opposites of the universe and doesn't keep me informed on everyone he meets."

Tyler laughed and looked to Gus as if asking for a list of what he was allowed to say. He usually just spit out whatever he wanted but this was Gus' mom and he wanted to give a good impression. "Tyler Austin. You must forgive us for not calling; we got a little caught up in a pillow fight before we got here."

Throwing her arms around him again, "You're Tyler? Oh, I've just heard so much about you. Come inside, I wanna hear all about your life. Gus seems to think the sun shines out of your butt from the way he talks about you on the phone." She yanked him by the arm into the house and Tyler barely got a chance to glance back at Gus for confirmation.

Laughing through his grin, Gus gestured for Tyler to follow her inside while he headed back to the car to get their bags. He wouldn't be long because there was no way in hell he was chancing his mother and Tyler talking for long without him there.

Tyler was talking a mile a minute when Gus made it inside with their bags. The recently mobile Mr. Guster sat on the couch from the excited conversation between his wife and the strange boy his son had brought home. Somewhere in the flurry of words flying back and forth, Mr. Guster gathered that the lively boy was the infamous Tyler Austin Gus hadn't shut up about in his calls home. The identifier gained some credit in Mr. G's eyes as no one had made Gus that animated since Shawn, and that was saying something. Speaking of, "Honey, have you seen Shawn?"

"So then me and Gus had to find something to put Josh out with. That's the reason we don't bring piñatas to Josh's parties anymore because Gus set someone on fire." Tyler finished with a dazzling smile, Mrs. Guster had to admit and the way he told stories, her son had found someone just as excited over him.

Still laughing, Mrs. Guster pet Tyler on the hand and responded to her husband. "Check the kitchen. I taught that boy to make lasagna and now I can never get him out of there." She turned back to Tyler and waved Gus over to the couch. If she was watching to see how close they sat on the couch, then Tyler thought she played it off well. It was something he'd wondered on the drive here; just how close would Gus' parents think they were? Would their judgments affect how they saw him?

"You have a lovely home, Mrs. Guster." Tyler remarked and he hoped she hadn't noticed the way his hand jumped beneath hers when Gus' hand brushed against his hip. He turned to face her more, mentally swearing when Gus scooted closer still.

"Thank you. Gus hasn't told me anything about your family. Where are your folks from, Tyler?" She asked, amused as Tyler finally settled on two inches of space away from her son.

Gus tried to lean in front of his friend and change the topic but Tyler had froze or paused at all. Almost effortlessly, "Well Michelle is from Athens, Georgia and Kenneth hails from Arlington, Texas. They live in Texas now. I wish I talked to them half as much as Gus talks to you."

"You call them by their first names?"

"Well, they introduced themselves that way." He waited for the question before he understood where Gus got his good manners from. "I grew up in foster care. I came to them when I was fifteen and they've been my parents ever since."

Patting his hand once more, Mrs. Guster nodded sweetly in response. "Well, you have quite a story." She started to stand and, surprisingly, Tyler jumped to his feet to help her up. "And a gentleman, as well. I'll let you know now, you can stop with all the pleasantries; you've passed my test."

Following his mother into the kitchen, Gus unconsciously took Tyler's hand from where it was dangling by his side. "Scared?" Tyler teased, squeezing back.

Shaking his head but not letting the nerves show, "No, but you should be."

"I bet he's not as scary as you're making him out to be." Tyler scoffed only to jump when a voice sounded from behind him.

"Shouldn't be so cocky when I'm holding a knife." They spun around, hands dropping and neither of them was sure who'd let go of who first. Gus was about to worry the proper greeting when Shawn dropped the cutlery and moved forward first. He tugged Gus into an embrace before Gus had time to second-guess himself.

Tyler took the opportunity to study the boy Gus had locked himself away for. Messy brown hair, quirkily handsome, sarcastic smile, blue could be brown eyes, Gus' height. He could understand what was appealing there but knowing Gus, looks weren't the only reason they'd been together. He had to be missing something; this boy didn't look at all like he possessed the power he seemed to have over Gus.

He seemed harmless and a little sad.

"I missed you so much, Gus. I ran into Mr. Laday at the post office last Saturday." Shawn began.

"Did he remember you?"

"Not at first but when I opened my mouth he did. He's still holding a grudge for that time I glued all of his erasers and chalk to the chalk tray."

And as Gus shook his head and laughed, Tyler finally got it. It wasn't that Shawn was cute, or that he could make Gus laugh, because if it had been, Tyler had that in the bag. It was this, this easy way they had with each other, the memories they'd never share with anyone else, the people nobody else would get to know in the same way, the inside jokes. If one were to spend long enough sharing that with just one other person they were bound to let that turn into some kind of feeling. Love was just the way Shawn and Gus' had manifested.

Tyler couldn't compete with the home advantage… unless he could change the game.

"Interrupting cough." Stepping closer to the conversation, Tyler held out his hand in a greeting. Shawn took one look at the offered hand and returned to studying Gus.

"Tyler, this is Shawn. Shawn this is Tyler." Gus hoped it could stop there so he could let his mom handle the dance of awkwardness that was about to ensue but, knowing Shawn would kill that dream.

"Shawn, so nice to meet you. I feel like I know your entire life story from what Gus has told me." Tyler began and Gus was thankful for the civility until Shawn spoke.

"Funny, I haven't heard a damn thing about you from Gus." Smirking, Shawn picked up the knife and returned to chopping vegetables. He looked up in time to see Tyler blow him a kiss and leave the room with Gus in tow. If he chopped the carrots in front of him with a little more vigor he blamed it on the new knife.


Dinner would've been tenser had Mrs. Guster not sat by Shawn in expectation. Tyler still hadn't formally introduced himself to Gus' father so that began the dinner conversation. Anytime Shawn chimed in with some insult or jibe at something Tyler said, he received a kick to the leg or a slap on the shoulder from Mrs. Guster. Gus would've been more thankful if he didn't think Tyler's ego needed to be taken down a peg.

He threw in little references to Shawn as subtly as he could but Gus got them and it was out of a wish for peace that he didn't give Tyler the same treatment Shawn was receiving across the table. It was snide little comments like, "I've had long hair all my life. I thought about cutting it last week but Gus told me he thinks longer hair looks cooler. Maybe I just have the face for it, what do you think, Shawn?"

Shawn stabbed a piece of broccoli on his plate and tried for a sweet tone. "You shouldn't hide your face, Ty. You don't look half as unattractive as you seem to think you do." A slap to the hand made him drop his fork and shoot a scandalized look at Mrs. Guster.

Then, "Gus is an amazing student. Seriously, he's crazy brilliant; I thought science was boring until he brought me outside to do this insane chemistry experiment where we actually made blue flames shoot out of a beaker." Tyler explained and that was harmless enough until he reached across the table to wrap a casual hand behind Gus' neck. That was even normal until Gus realized Tyler had taken his lack of objection as permission to touch him as many ways as possible. A hand on his knee under the table, a hand covering his in the middle of a good story, and even a brief kiss on the cheek after a particularly pointed compliment on Gus' modest good looks.

Even through that, it was the supposedly subtle piece on their newfound closeness that Gus drew the line at. "So, I've been bringing Gus over to mine more and more lately. I'm terrible at having people around. I mean, if I had it my way I'd always be naked. Gus is lucky I even wear pants half the time. I'm that disorganized."

Gus blinked and shook his head, glaring at Tyler on his left. A solemn shrug offset by the victorious smirk on his lips. And of course Shawn couldn't resist cutting in. "It takes that much focus to cover yourself? How'd you get into Stanford, Tyler? Either your parents are totally loaded or you slept with the Dean of Admissions."

Tyler's left eyebrow twitched and he bit out, "Why don't you decide? Which one gives you something to look forward to thinking about at night?"

"Clever, does that kind of line attract a lot of girls or just the deaf ones?"

"Tell me something, Shawn: are you bitter because I've completely taken over your role as Gus' best friend or because I get a lot of sex and I've completely taken over as Gus' best friend?"

"Never happened." Shawn shot out. Green eyes met dark brown eyes from across the table as neither Mrs. Guster or Gus made a move to scold either one.

"With girls or with Gus?"

An uncomfortable cough from where Gus' father sat and both boys stopped, looking down at their food. Now Tyler was sorry but Gus didn't throw his hand off as hard as he could've when he reached underneath the table to steal it. That was something and he couldn't resist sticking his tongue out at Shawn, even when Gus stomped on his foot.

By the end of dinner, Shawn and Gus were fuming while Tyler and Mrs. Guster could've sparkled with how bright they were beaming. Mr. Guster just sat back in his chair and drank his water with an entertained expression as he watched the display.


The conversation over sleeping arrangements made things between Tyler and Shawn even tenser. Still getting over Tyler's crappy attitude at the table, Gus had tuned out of the beginning until his name came up.

Mrs. Guster explained as the boys followed her to the linen closet. Why Shawn was there at all baffled Gus but he let it slide, again out a request for peace. "Tyler can have the pull out in the study and Gus, I guess you can share. I think it's big enough for two-"

"Actually, I mean since he's a guest, Tyler can have my bed. I'll bunk on the floor in the study. Gus can have the pull-out in there." Shawn offered and although Gus was clueless, Tyler understood his motive in a heartbeat.

"Well Gus is technically a guest too so me and Gus can have your bed, right?" Tyler snipped, sunny smile belying his tone. Gus was still lost in how ridiculous he thought both of them were being and Mrs. Guster was concentrating on matching linen sets. Maybe Gus had gotten his selective attention genetically, Shawn thought. "Since you offered so nicely."

"I offered to share with the guest." Shawn elaborated, glare in place but Tyler countered easily.

"Both of 'em? That beds gonna get pretty crowded Shawnsie. I don't know how I feel about spooning with a complete stranger but I suppose it'd be one hell of a way to get to know each other. Do you snore?"

"It's up to Gus." Shawn remarked, ignoring Tyler's comments. His stare made it clear Gus had better make the right choice. The glare was wasted because Gus' attention was elsewhere leaving Shawn staring at Gus and Tyler humming happily to himself. "There's only room for two people in my bed. And we both know who they are."

"Well, Shawn if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were dying to sleep with me." He grinned cheekily and pulled on his shirt. "I'll let you know right now, I'm just not that kind of girl."

"You sure?"

Mrs. Guster turned around, obviously ignoring their antics, and held out two sets of sheets and a couple of pillows. "Gus? Do you mind sharing with Tyler?" She meant the pull-out, unaware of the discussion.

Gus finally tuned back in and shrugged, the usual response when he didn't know what was happening. Tyler thrust a fist in the air and pulled the sheets to his chest and took Gus' arm. "Come on, roomie. We can stay up late and do our nails and talk about boys." He was still babbling in a high-pitched voice when he dragged Gus up the stairs.

Mrs. Guster chuckled and shook her head at his antics. It hurt a little to see that she'd taken to Tyler so readily when she'd been so hesitant to let Shawn in Gus' room at all after finding out what he was to her son. He felt like demanding to know why Tyler was so much more suitable for Gus than Shawn was. Instead he asked, "What'd you think?"

"Of Tyler?" She deduced. She chose her words carefully. "He's a sweet boy. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into loving my son. Gus wouldn't see a tree falling towards him until a branch hit him in the head."

Shawn gave a wry smirk at that. "True. He didn't know how I felt until I told him so. Everyone else did." His heart beat a little bit faster, the way it always did when he gave something away about his and Gus' relationship to the Gusters'. It always raced even though the couple had never admonished him for anything.

Nodding, she wrapped an arm around Shawn's shoulders. "I like him, I really do." She kissed Shawn on the forehead and started towards the stairs. Before she took the first step, she turned and added, "Don't sell yourself short, sweetheart."

Sharing a bed with Tyler after their conversation on the porch was strange to say the least. At dinner there were plenty of distractions from Tyler's confession outside but now the information hung in the air. They worked together changing the sheets on the bed as they took turns exchanging expectant stares but neither boy said anything other than "Hold that side and I'll get this one" or "here's the top sheet".

When they'd finished, Tyler kicked it off by jumping in the middle of the bed, spreading his arms out and whispering, "You can ravish me now." Seeing the stricken expression on Gus' face, Tyler gave a shaking laugh. "Just kidding."

Sitting down on the edge, Gus studied the new décor in his room. "Are you, though? Because I'm worried I make you uncomfortable—"

The other boy sat up with an annoyed sigh. "Gus, we're not having this conv—"

"We have to."

Tyler brushed a hand down Gus' back and took some comfort in the way his shivered in response. "Because we should never go to bed angry?"

"Tyler—"

"Because I'll still love you in the morning—"

"Tyler." Gus warned and Tyler took the opportunity.

"Gus, don't make me do this."

"Show me?" Gus suggested and Tyler had to grin. Sometimes Gus surprised him in the weirdest ways.

Tyler laid his cheek to the pillow and waited for Gus to look at him. "It was nothing. Really." Seeing Gus' disbelief, Tyler turned onto his stomach and leaned over Gus. He couldn't describe how satisfying it was to see the excited fear in Gus' eyes. He'd built this moment up in his head for months and he was about to throw it away to make Gus feel better. The fucker better appreciate it, Tyler thought.

Rushing in the last three inches, Tyler pressed their lips together, deciding at the last minute to let his arms come down. Letting their chests meet set the tone higher than it'd been that night in Tyler's room. The kiss was harder and Tyler felt like his skin was scorching from the contact through their clothes. Gus kissed back timidly but more readily when Tyler ran a hand down his side.

Tyler's head was swimming, cloudy at the sheer chance that Gus might enjoy this enough to want to keep this going between them. He felt too big for his clothes; like he was being restrained and all he wanted was to let himself go and take control of the kiss unashamedly. Move his right hand an inch to the side, let his left cover Gus' bony hip and he would be able to do what he really wanted; just take over and completely possess Gus. A dirty, determined slide of his tongue along Gus' top lip, gave Tyler the hint that his time was up.

It took will Tyler wasn't sure he had to pull back. Rolling back onto his back, Tyler clenched his eyes shut in an effort to calm his body's reaction before they had a repeat of earlier. Gus was still catching his breath beside him. "See. No big deal. Nothing to freak out over."

He could feel Gus' eyes on the side of his face but for once he couldn't smile back and reassure him that he was telling the truth because he wasn't and for once he didn't want to lie. Rather than comment on the obvious fib, Gus reached over and took Tyler's hand. It wasn't the big showy kiss and handjob Tyler had imagined their first sober kiss would end with but somehow, it was still okay.

Besides, Tyler reasoned, he had Gus in his bed and Shawn was hugging a couch pillow right now.


Shawn barely flinched as the desk drawer slammed into the closet door. He seemed to slink forward, dangerous glint in his eye and if Gus felt underdressed in just his boxers, well he tried not to show it. Glaring down where Gus was struggling to show no fear, it shot out like a bullet. "You're leaving?"

"I was—"

"You're leaving." A sure accusation, like Shawn already knew the truth and needed nothing else to prove his point.

"I couldn't figure out how to tell you." Gus refused to raise his head from his hands. He didn't know what he'd been thinking. It wasn't like him to pretend that if he didn't think about things they'd somehow just disappear from his life. It hadn't worked when his fifteen-year-old self had spent nights pretending he didn't have feelings for his sly-tongued best friend and it hadn't worked now. "I don't want to leave like this."

The desperate brown gaze came into view as Shawn kneeled down before him and pulled Gus' hands from his face. "So don't leave. Nothing has to change." The sheer hope in his eyes was stunning, the light dangerously close to spilling over into tears. Gus swallowed hard because years ago he'd promised to never watch Shawn cry again, not if he could help it.

And as much as he wanted to take everything back, act like nothing happened, he'd seen the looks of unabashed pride on his parents' faces. He'd watched his mother's eyes light up at the prospect of finally getting to see her baby boy grow up and make something of himself all on his own. He hadn't wanted to need that approval but now he craved it. He craved it from everyone.

"It already did."

"Please, don't do this. Please." Pleading grimace, the shine of wet eyes and Gus had to fight to look anywhere else. As if sensing that he'd broken through, Shawn's shaky hands came up to force Gus to look at him. "What did I do? I can fix it, I promise."

"It's nothing you did." He stumbled over his words. Not because they weren't true, but because he knew no matter the words, Shawn wouldn't believe them.

"It had to be. What was it? You can tell me, I won't get mad." He searched Gus' eyes critically before letting go of his hands. Faster than Gus could act, he started to pull at Gus's boxers. "Is it the sex? Am I terrible because I can be better."

Swallowing thickly, the younger boy tried to fashion a way out of this. "You'd know better than me if the sex was bad Shawn—"

"Was Michael better? I can learn, I promise." He threw out and fought with Gus' hands to get rid of the last barrier. Or I can have this part," He clawed at Gus' bare chest. "And I just won't have the rest if—if that's what you want." His voice broke, caught in the obvious lie.

"That's not what I want."

"Then what is it? What do you want Gus? It's not me!" He shouted, scratching at Gus' hands. The vicious glint to his brown eyes was frightening, enough to stop Gus from fighting. "Do you even know? I mean God…" He ran a harried hand through his scattered locks and bit at his lip. "What is so wrong with me that everyone I care about leaves? First Shane and now you—"

Shawn froze, wrists locked hard enough to grind the bones together against Gus' palms. "Don't say that; don't even think that." Gus spat, shaking Shawn as he did. He wished it didn't feel so good to see his own fear reflecting back at him in those dark eyes, but it did.

"Don't do this." His lips quivered and he sniffed to cover it up.

"I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm not even doing it just to leave; that was never part of it."

"I don't care, it's still shit. I will never forgive you for not fixing this." Scrawny arms given strength with the necessity of the situation pulled him up into Gus' chest from where he kneeled. Eventually they climbed to the head of the bed and lie down, Shawn on top of Gus, chest to chest as it should be. As shaky hands raked through his messy locks of hair he whispered. "I hate you."

Heart drumming away in his chest, Gus nodded solemnly and tried to pretend he hadn't heard. He barely registered the warm wetness spreading across his shoulder where Shawn was brushing his stubbled cheek back and forth. Suddenly, it seemed overwhelming; like he was drowning. He pushed at Shawn's weight on his chest, nails digging into his shoulder blades but Shawn wouldn't budge, wouldn't stop bearing down on his lungs. He felt trapped, clawing at the raw skin and getting nothing but matching scars and bruises in return. He gasped for breath, shoving at Shawn's chest, eyes watering with the lack of air but Shawn wouldn't move, spite fueling his glare. He wouldn't be satisfied until Gus gave in or suffocated or both.

He wanted so badly to push the weight on his chest off and away so that he could breathe easier. He tried screaming but his throat was closing up and his vision started to swim, the water had risen to his eyes, it was swimming in.

The water was everywhere.

Tyler awoke to an elbow plowing him in the face. It was pitch black in his room as he pushed the strange shape off of his face and tried to process where he was. He'd gathered that this wasn't his bed when a blunt object stabbed him in the side. He chased it blindly, feeling moving cloth flying around in desperate movements. Still coming out of a dreamless sleep, he briefly feared a blanket monster. Snapping out of bed and switching on the bedside lamp, Tyler sighed at Gus' foot poking over the edge of the bed.

He climbed back into bed, trying to pull the blanket off of Gus' head. He gripped it and yanked but Gus was holding on with more strength than his body gave him credit for. "Gus, Gus come on buddy. If you wanna play 'Under the Sea' without me can you at least not kick me?" He continued pulling until he realized Gus was making weird noises. "Gus, come on."

The high-pitched keening noises had started to make Tyler feel sick to his stomach, jarring him out of sleep more. He gave up on the sheet and started shaking Gus, half shushing him and half pleading with him. "Gus, please." Shaking gave way to slapping and in the end he was cradling Gus' head in his hands and lightly smacking his face.

When the younger boy finally woke up, he was greeted by Tyler pulling him tight to his chest and rubbing patterns into his back. "Wha's goin' on?"

When they separated, relief on his features, Tyler's eyes were bright and still worried. "You tell me."

Shaking his head, Gus pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his fists into his eyes. As if he could wipe away the image that left him scared. "Nightmare." He could feel the throbbing self-inflicted welts on his forearm.

"Yeah, well no shit." He resumed rubbing circles into Gus' back and when they were accepted, he pressed a little harder. "What about?"

It was a moment before he would say anything. When he finally did explain, the story behind them and their variations, Tyler's response wasn't what he'd expected. "He was manipulating you."

Gus shook his head, still staring up at the peckle-marked ceiling. "I don't think so" Even now hot, fresh tears spread in his eyes before swimming down into the comforter below his head.

"He didn't mean it." He kneeled closer to the smaller boy and resisted the urge to touch the salty trails on Gus' face to his tongue. He wished he didn't like watching Gus cry but there was something novel in seeing him so disorganized, uncontrolled. "Why are you crying?"

"He was right." His breathing went uneven, back arching as he tried to put it into some semblance of a normal rhythm.

Tyler nodded and tried to see it from Shawn's point of view. "You gave him parts of yourself and took them away barely a few months in. You promised him more time and at the last second it was gone. And then you didn't stay to fix things."

Shaking his head slowly and almost blind with the tears welling up, "No, no, I tried to—" He paused when Tyler heaved him into his arms.

"But you couldn't. And you made it so you couldn't possibly go back to being friends." Tyler reasoned and he didn't really know why it was so easy for him to be cruel at a time like this. Holding Gus when his words were tearing him down. But he relished in it. Gus had to see that he couldn't keep letting this guilt rule his life and if Tyler had to hurt him to make him see well… better he do it now before he'd grown too attached.

"I didn't mean to." Gus argued, head rearing back into Tyler's nose. The pain relaxed his grip for a moment but he regained it fast enough. "I didn't." Now he sounded like he meant it.

"You're breathing too fast, you have to calm down." Tyler squeezed his eyes shut at the feel of Gus' bony, heaving chest against his side. "Please, for me. Try to calm down."

It was like he didn't even hear the warning. If anything, he breathed harder. "I d-didn't t-try to ruin everything. I w-wasn't even sure I wanted to go."

Tyler rocked him slowly, murmuring nonsensical things to get him to be quieter, breath steadier, stop making his own chest ache. "It's okay. I know that; I'm sure he knows that too."

"My m-mom and m-my dad were so excited. And Joy and Kara wouldn't stop t-talking about how happy I was gonna b-be—"

"Gus please settle down." Tyler tried again. "You're scaring me."

"What if I was wrong?" He asked, breathing slowing a bit.

"Sometimes you have to be." And it seemed like Gus accepted that for a moment. He quieted where he was pressed against Tyler's chest, mouth thick from crying, eyes red and burning. Tyler never wanted to move and deep down wondered if he'd ever get a chance to hold Gus like this when one of them wasn't crying. Then he realized with a wry grimace that in order for that to happen, their pasts would have to erase completely.

He continued rocking them carefully, savoring the feel of being the one put-together for a change. "He hates me."

Whether it was selfish or he truly believed it, Tyler didn't disagree.


Why Shawn decided to tag along on Tyler's tour of Santa Barbara was overshadowed by the events that transpired. It started out with Shawn wanting more time to check out his competition and became more about gauging where he and Gus were at on the reconciliation scale. Especially when halfway to the park where Shawn and Gus had unofficially adopted baby geese, he noticed a line of scratches on Tyler's arms starting at the wrist and disappearing into his sleeves. His dad had trained him to notice these things and he noted that some were deeper than others and they looked defensive.

"Rough night, Tyler?" He asked, letting Gus take a few steps ahead of them. He was explaining or asking something, Shawn didn't know. He wasn't paying attention to him right now, not like Tyler was pretending to.

Tyler glanced over his shoulder at Shawn, smirk in place before returning to Gus. "No rougher than usual, why? Want the details?"

Shawn laughed it off and walked close enough to tug on Tyler's left sleeve. "About these, yeah. What'd you do? Make a move on Gus and get rejected?"

Unsure, Tyler tried to play if off. "We wrestle all the time." He squinted to watch Gus in the bright sunlight. The younger boy seemed unfazed by Tyler's closeness to Shawn but that didn't mean it was Tyler's place to tell other people about his nightmare. Especially the star of it.

A defensive glint to his glare, Shawn stepped in front of Tyler and stopped him, hand on his chest. "We've wrestled before but never enough to get scratches."

"Maybe you just play nicer. We play to win." He suggested, cocking an eyebrow. He wasn't sure what Shawn was getting at until he spoke again.

"Gus may not like it, but I still care about him," He leaned in closer, breath hot on Tyler's face. "And if you ever hurt him I'll hurt you."

Tyler took a step back, assessing the situation. He had scratches, his nose ached a bit and he was pretty sure he was developing a light bruise on his right hip. If anything, it looked like Gus had beat him up. Of course Shawn wouldn't see it that way, what with his determination to eliminate the competition. "What're you gonna do? Tie my shoelaces together?"

In place of a comeback, Shawn shoved at the taller boy's shoulder and started towards where Gus was walking by the water, still talking. "Just play nicer, okay?"


When things between Shawn and Tyler finally erupted, both were only surprised it took so long. After spending the day outside on the patio talking while Tyler and Gus' father played a lazy game of catch, Shawn thought things were getting better. He hadn't contemplated punching Tyler in the face or locking Gus in the basement and keeping him there forever recently. A childish part of him still wished Gus would push him into a wall, shove their mouths together and tell him that going to Stanford had been a huge mistake and he loved Shawn more than anything and he promised to never leave again. As much as he wished the opposite, he knew he would've taken Gus back apology or not.

What set the stage for the blow up was a harmless comment thrown Gus' way as Tyler came over to fetch the baseball from the bushes. Mr. G was jogging in small circles, relishing in his energy returning, Gus was smiling back at him and it wasn't that mask-like polite one he used to wear; all felt right in the world so it really should've taken more to upset everything.

Tyler stopped at Gus' chair, leaned down simply and muttered, "We should really get you one of those heating blankets when you move in next term because you spooned me and if that wasn't criminal enough, I felt like I was sleeping on a furnace." Gus started to laugh it off, shoving at Tyler's shoulder when Shawn snapped.

"You can handle dancing for Taiwanese business men, but you can't handle a little spooning?" Gus shot back.

"Not if I'm the little spoon."

"If?"

Shawn interjected, eying Tyler for an answer but speaking to Gus. "Move in? With this guy, are you serious?"

"Shawn, what's the big deal? We're friends." Gus supplied, once again defensive over Tyler and wasn't that just what had pissed Shawn off in the first place?

"Friends, right?" He sneered, gesturing at the lack of space between the two boys in front of him. "That's a load of bullshit. I may still be the stupid kid you left with your parents to water and feed but I'm not blind, Gus."

"You said you weren't jealous!" Gus shot back, feeling a bit ridiculous at mentioning such prime ammo that Tyler could use.

"That was when he was 'just a friend'. You know before you were jumping at any opportunity to share a bed with him and shove in my face just how pleased you are at us being over."

"I'm not—I didn't jump at anything. And I'm not pleased." Tyler felt a bit sick at the way the boy he'd come to know dwarfed completely into this meek, tiny child trying his damndest to fight the lurking ogre. "That's not fair. You're not being fair."

"Neither are you. If you're so eager to move on, Gus, at least have the decency to not parade it in my face and make me watch."

"There isn't anything to wat—" Gus had started when Shawn shook his head and left to go back inside. Looking up to Tyler for confirmation of what had just happened to find that Tyler had followed Shawn inside.

Cringing, Gus sat further back and closed his eyes in defeat. Hearing approaching footsteps in the grass, Gus braced himself for the speech he knew was coming. "I know, I know. I should go in there and make sure they don't kill each other. I'm just gearing up for it, Dad."

The familiar deep chuckle sounded, "I know you were. I'll just sit here with you while you do. Is that okay, or am I interrupting your process?"

Inside, Shawn had stormed his way up to his room only to fume even more at the sight of the messy bed coverings. He knew better than to think they'd done anything other than sleep in this bed but that was enough to keep him angry. He sat down at the edge of the bed and stared at the mirror on top of the dresser. Sure he'd changed, he was stronger, thicker and the rings around his eyes had finally faded but Gus had changed too.

He was still scrawny and thin, hidden strength somewhere in his bony body but he seemed bigger somehow. He laughed louder, he made jokes now, he was less inhibited and when he smiled it was more carefree than ever. And when he looked at Tyler everything was laden with this layer of urgency, like he always had to check his side to make sure Tyler had disappeared, hadn't left him. Gus acted like he needed Tyler and he'd never been that way with Shawn, never had to check to make sure he was there. Cursing, Shawn threw the mess of sheets off of the bed just as the door to the room burst open.

"Cleaning?" Tyler asked, closing the door and leaning against it with a smug expression Shawn would've been perfectly satisfied to punch. "Don't mind me, I'll just be here judging you."

"That's what you've been doing? Let me guess, you think I'm too immature for Gus?" Sitting back down, Shawn laughed humorlessly. "You and me both."

"Actually, no." Tyler thought about it for a moment before settling on, "I've been thinking of all the reasons not to kick your ass, namely Gus never speaking to me."

"What did I do to him?"

Crossing his arms and studying his nails, Tyler didn't hesitate to explain. "You guilted him into feeling bad about leaving. I know Gus and I know—"

"You've known him for less than a year, don't try to act like you know him better than I do—"

Determined to talk over Shawn, "I know how easy it is to make him sorry for something he shouldn't apologize for—"

"You think I don't know that?" Shawn screamed, finally shocking Tyler into silence. "I don't know what I wanted, I just needed him to feel something. I had to make him—"

"You made him feel like he didn't deserve to be happy." Tyler said, voice quiet and somber the way it always got when he had to swallow down the urge to fight. It scared him how desperately he wanted to bridge their gap and use his fists to get Shawn to feel some amount of the pain he'd watched transpire on Gus' face when he spoke about their history.

And maybe Shawn would dwell on that later, pile it in with all the other things he dwelled on when he let himself feel like a miserable, sad sack but he'd be damned if Tyler was going to have the last word. "I know your game, Tyler. I've played it and you won't get further than I have, trust me. Gus gets distracted by shiny and new people every now and then but you've got nothing on me. We're so alike it's disgusting." He knew enough to know Tyler knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I get that you think I'm encroaching on your territory—"

"No, I know you are. Gus is still mine—I know it and he knows it. You just got here, you're an outsider." Now he whispered, knowing Mrs. Guster had probably heard most of their argument.

"You like to think of Gus as your little puppy that used to follow you around all the time but he is so much more than that." Tyler said, placing a hand over his heart. "Everything he is, he is despite all the shit he had to go through. He's funny, he's bright, he's compassionate and way more trusting than he has any sense to be. You don't get to make him yours because he doesn't know he's allowed to say 'no' to you. No one should have to feel as worthless as you made him feel out there."

Seeing Shawn had actually been rendered speechless, he continued. "He can't not care about you. And he's afraid to need me, he's afraid to love me because he knows that you'll hate him for that."

"Gus knows I could never hate him."

"But he thinks you do. You told him that one hundred and six postcards ago." Tyler challenged. He stepped over Shawn's feet and moved to get his and Gus' stuff. He'd enjoyed meeting Gus' parents and seeing the place where Gus had lived and grown up but it had started to feel toxic. "You hurt him to keep him and as long as you own parts of him, he'll never belong to anyone else and that's just fine with you no matter who it hurts, isn't it?"

Shawn didn't speak but Tyler heard the "Yes" hanging in the air. He couldn't blame Shawn for feeling that way because he wasn't one to deny himself what he wanted either. They really were a lot alike and instead of this realization comforting him, it made him sick to his stomach. He couldn't fathom ever hurting Gus an inch as much as Shawn had.

"Do me a favor?" Waiting for Shawn's gaze to meet his own, Tyler continued. "Just break him for good and be done with him. It's starting to look pathetic."