Chapter 7

"Olivia gonna be alright, Captain?" Fin asked when Cragen entered the squad room. Cragen just nodded and headed into his office. Elliot, who was still angry that no one would tell him what's going on, followed.

"What the hell is going on?"

"It's none of your business, Elliot."

"She's my partner!"

"Then she can tell you herself if she wants. Let it go, Elliot." Elliot fumed for a minute, wanting to demand Cragen tell him, but finally his better judgement won out and he left. His better judgement didn't extend any further, unfortunately, and he not only left Cragen's office, he left the building. He got in his car and headed straight for Olivia's apartment.

Outside Olivia's door Elliot managed to restrain himself from banging full force on the door. He knocked firmly and continued in a steady rhythm until the door swung inwards and Elliot barely stopped his fist in time to avoid hitting her. "Elliot, please leave me alone."

"What the hell is going on? Cragen won't tell me anything. What happened up there?"

"It's none of your business, Elliot."

"You're my partner! Olivia, what's going on? Talk to me." Olivia shook her head and closed the door. Elliot didn't bother trying to stop her. He stood outside her door for a while, weighing the pros and cons of knocking again, then finally left.

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"You should be grateful for the time off." Brittany said, sipping a cooler.

"It's not the time off I mind. Cragen doesn't want me anywhere near the station until I get the counseling I need."

"Which means you can't sleep in the crib anymore." Olivia nodded. "I take it sleeping at home isn't going well."

"The crib is the only place I feel safe, and even there I can only get a few hours sleep."

"Let's not deal with that right now. I want to talk to you about your next step."

"Shouldn't I finish the first one before I move on?"

"Everyone says walking a path is just putting one foot in front of the other, but walking doesn't work like that. One foot supports your weight while the other swings forward, following a path parallel to the first. You have to coordinate your steps, shifting your weight from one foot to the next. Right now your foot is planted on the path, so now you need to swing your other leg forward. Some steps in your therapy may carry on longer than others, but that's alright; that's why you have two feet." She took another sip of the cooler.

"I can't believe you drink coolers. I haven't had a cooler since I first started drinking."

"It's more alcohol than beer and it tastes like Kool Aid – focus. Every victim reacts to varying degrees, based on events in their past, how sensitive they are by nature, and the assault itself. You seem to be reacting particularly badly to this event, and since you don't strike me as the cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type, I suspect it has more to do with your past experiences. Right now your mind is focusing on the fact that you weren't technically raped. You feel ashamed because you're suffering so much and you feel you don't have a right to suffer. We need to fix that."

"I've gone down this road with my therapist. I know I have a right to feel the way I do, but that doesn't change anything."

"Repeating over and over to yourself that you have no reason to feel ashamed won't help. So I want you to think about all the things that have happened to you to make you feel the way you do. Let's start with when you were young. Do you know anyone who was sexually assaulted when you were young?"

"My mother."

Brittany was surprised. "Well, that explains a lot. How old were you?"

"Negative a couple days." Brittany looked confused for a minute, then nodded slowly as understanding hit.

"That explains even more. With all you see every day and your...heritage...it's no wonder you've reacted like this. But I suppose you know all this already." Olivia nodded. "What are you so afraid of?"

"What do you mean?"

"There's something about your past, something you've seen in your cases that scares you. You're afraid of it happening to you. What is it exactly you're so afraid of? Because believe me, Olivia, whatever it is you're running from is only driving you to even worse things."

Olivia shook her head. "I honestly don't know."

"Then you need to figure it out. Think about it and we'll talk about it at our next session." She drained the last mouthful of her cooler, set the bottle on the table and headed for the door. "I talked to James, by the way. He's not as freaked out by what happened as you assume – give him a call."

Olivia waited for a while after Brittany left, then picked up her phone. She stared at it for a while, put it down, picked it up again. After about half an hour of debating with herself she finally dialed the number. She held it to her ear, listening to it ring, not entirely sure whether or not she wanted anyone to answer. "Hello?" Still not sure, she had no choice but to let the conversation run its course.

"Hey, it's me."

"I was worried you might have dropped off the earth. It's good to hear from you. Is, uh...is everything alright?"

"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" Her violent outburst happened nearly a week ago and she had assured him since then that she was fine. What was he so worried about?

James sighed heavily into the phone, making a crackling sound in Olivia's ear. "Elliot came by. He wanted to know if I'd talked to you in the last couple days, asked me if I knew what was wrong with you. He was pretty upset, Liv. What happened?"

"My captain ordered me to take some time off. I've been having a rough time at work lately, that's all."

"You're lying." Olivia felt sort of insulted by his blunt accusation. He was right, of course, but that was beside the point. She couldn't help thinking that maybe it was for the best, though. Brittany had said Olivia needed someone to confide in and maybe she was right. On the other hand – though Olivia was pretty sure she had run out of hands now – she cared about James, felt connected to him, and she didn't want to ruin that. Pouring all of her problems on him would only drive him away, and that was the last thing she needed.

"I'm sorry, James. I just...I'm fine, really. You're going to have to trust me for now."

"Promise we'll talk about it when you're ready?"

"I promise." She couldn't be sure how long that would take, but if their relationship managed to last that long, she was sure she would keep that promise.

"You feel like going for a drink?"

"Isn't the person who makes the call supposed to extend the invitation?"

"I guess I'm just used to making the calls. So why did you call?"

"To see if you wanted to go for a drink." She smiled.

"Funny, I was just thinking that same thing. Pick you up in half an hour?" Olivia agreed and they hung up the phone.

An hour later they were sitting in a booth at their favourite bistro, sipping wine. "So Brittany said you two hit it off. What do you think of her?"

"I don't really know yet. What's she's doing for these women is really great, though." Olivia hoped she could change the subject soon.

"Yeah. I don't know much about her methods now, she prefers not to talk much about her patients, but she helped me more than any psychiatrist when I was a teenager."

"How did she help you?"

"You know, I don't remember much in the way of specifics. She helped me work through my anger, gave me some tough love, got me involved in community projects...all the stuff a juvenile delinquent needs."

"Delinquent?"

"I was a pretty angry kid. I blamed myself for my brother's death and my mom's. Totally confused when it came to sex I slept with every girl that came my way, and believe me, I don't say that proudly. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself for everything, but Brittany eventually convinced me that I was a victim and I needed help. Once I figured that out, things started changing fast. I picked my life up, brought my grades up and decided to go to med school. It was a pretty brutal struggle getting through all those years of school, but it was worth it. You know the children's ward at the local hospital was the first place I volunteered with Brittany."

Olivia took a long sip of her drink and James watched her, his head tilted, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. "I remember this one little girl, Abby. She had leukemia and was on her second round of chemo. She was convinced it was her fault that her mom was miserable, and her parents were always arguing. I spent weeks visiting her every day, convincing her it wasn't her fault. We sort of...healed each other. I love children, Olivia, but my love for them is no different from yours."

"You can talk about this all you want, but it's not going to change anything right now. I still haven't made up my mind. Isn't it enough that I'm here and we're having a good time?"

"No. I want you to trust me."

Olivia sighed and looked at him pleadingly. "Can you let it be enough for now?"

He sighed and then smiled sadly. "Sure. C'mon, let's go catch a movie."