Chapter 6: Why'd He Leave

3 months later….

It doesn't feel like time passes. It's like I'm stuck in a moment. The moment when he left. I don't want it to pass. Every second that he's gone means another second that he doesn't love me or our family. But it passes, regardless of my wishes.

"Raph, I'm considering putting you on medication."

I look up from staring at my cold pizza slice. Donnie is staring at me, flustered, like I'm a problem he can't solve.

"What?" I say.

"You haven't been above ground in three months, Raph. You don't do anything, even when your girl visits. All you do is lay around all the time."

"I'm not laying-"

"Fine, you're lifeless, Raph. Not laying around. Lifeless."

"I'm not taking happy pills, Donnie. Forget it."

Donnie glares at me, then hisses lowly, "You would if Leo asked you to."

I throw my plate at Donnie, almost cutting his arm, "SHUT UP!"

Donnie slams his hands on the table and stands angrily," NO! He was my brother, too, Raphael. Just because you treated him like crap it shouldn't mean that we have to suffer for your actions."

"He didn't leave just because of me."

"Oh, yes, he did. He…you hurt him so much, it practically killed him. Now he's gone. And all of us who needed him don't have him."

"All you ever needed him for was to look at stupid inventions. I needed him for everything!"

"You never needed him. Or else you wouldn't have treated him the way you did."

I stand, ready to go to my room, "You know what, I'm done arguing with you."

I start to my room when Donnie growls, "I wish you weren't my brother."

That's a shock in my heart, but it doesn't hurt too much. I just ignore Don and leave. I find myself going to the dojo instead of my room.

Master Splinter is hurt. I can tell. He hides it real well. But now that Leo's-ouch! - he's gone, we only have one training session a day, and April's doesn't last long. It's as if he's given up on us…

As I enter the dojo, I see Master Splinter meditating by his shrine.

Next to the picture of his old family is a picture of my big brother. My ani didn't go through Sensei's room like he went through ours. He left Master Splinter's room alone, so everything we can get to of my ani's is in our father's room.

Shell, I wish I could get into my big brothers room!

"What is it, Raphael?" Splinter asks.

I swallow hard before I ask my question, "Do you know how he is by chance?"

Master Splinter stands, but doesn't turn to me," He's fine. Leonardo is just having a hard time but healing. The open air is helping him. He wants to heal, but he needs to be alone to do so. He needs time."

I wince at his name and my thoughts. "Are you lying to me again?"

Sensei doesn't answer, but sighs," Anything else, Raphael?"

I bite my lip before forcing myself to say," Yeah. Why'd he leave? Is it truly my fault?"

I barely see it, but I notice that Splinter flinches. That kindles something in me. I snarl, "You think it's my fault, too!"

"Raphael, I never said-"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I DIDN'T WANT…I didn't mean…"

I sprint out of the dojo. I'm forcing back tears as I run to my room, slam the door and scream.

I didn't mean to hurt Leo! Argh! I didn't mean for him to leave! I don't mean to be mean! I should have been the one to run away! Leo should have stayed! And I should have disappeared forever instead of him…


Dear Donnie,

I'm sorry I'm not the brother you wish I was. I'd trade myself for Leo if I could. But I can't and I'm so sorry. I guess you're right. Leo did leave because of me. I ruined everybody's lives. I'm so sorry.

I'm happy father hasn't changed. He has every reason to disappear on us, but he doesn't. He stays with us. He stays our father.

Did you know that Splinter says that Leo's okay. He's just having a hard time, but he's getting better. He says the air is helping him. He's trying very hard to get better. He needs to be alone. Leo just needs time.

It's a lie. Sensei hasn't talked to Leo. He's just trying to make us feel better. I'm tired of lies. But the truth hurts so much worse. I don't know which I prefer.

I don't want to write anymore.

-Raph