The Texan thought it was weird how overwhelming the feeling of suicide could be. Between the nightmares and panic attacks, it was a thought that almost possessed his mind. He had never thought about before in his entire life, and now it seemed to be the only thing he could think about. It just seemed so easy and perfect to be able to end his suffering that quick and painlessly. At least he thought it would be painless. It probably would be, for him anyway.
Everytime Nick got dangerously close to going through with it, Greg always took over his mind. Everytime he actually picked up the gun and held it in his hand, he didn't feel the cold steel in his palm or the trigger against his finger. He felt Greg's hand in his and could see his eyes in his mind. He could see the pained look in the dark brown eyes he loves so much and could feel Greg's hand shaking in his own. So Nick would always drop the gun and go out on the back porch and drink or smoke. Or both.
But alcohol and tobacco were starting to lessen their affects and not take the edge off as much as they used to. Nick didn't know what else to do, so he resorted to something he hadn't done since college. It wasn't something he was proud of or anything, but he definitely knew it worked. He even had some in his closet from when his old college room mate had come to visit him and thought he was still in to the stuff. Now Nick was glad that he had given it to him.
Reluctantly, Nick went inside and dug the needle and heroin out of his closet and sat down heavily on the bed. He knew what to do and how much to take where he would feel the effects, but not overdose from it. In college he had used it sparingly and never developed an addiction to it. That he was thankful for. What he wasn't thankful for was knowing that he had to resort to this to try and make the pain go away.
Nick glanced at the clock. Greg wouldn't be home for at least another four hours, which left plenty of time for the signs to wear off. Without giving it another thought, Nick cooked it like he had been taught by his room mate Josh and put it into the needle. Before he could talk himself out of it he had stuck the needle in his vein and was injecting the drug into his bloodstream.
Nick felt the rush generate throughout his entire body almost instantly. His entire body felt regenerized and full of energy. The euphoric feeling was one of the best he could ever remember feeling. He wasn't sure how long it lasted, but it didn't seem long enough. He was then met with the feeling of being very awake, which he knew would soon be followed by a cycle of being exhausted. As much as he hated that part, he felt that the rush had been worth it.
But Nick hadn't counted on another side affect. Since he hadn't used it in a long time, his body wasn't used to it. So instead of just being extremely tired for a little while, he felt his mouth go dry and heartbeat slow down. He knew within seconds that he was going to pass out. He didn't have time to get rid of the needle in his hand or the bag of heroin laying on the bed next to him.
Nick soon forgot about that completely as he unvoluntarily fell back and laid down on the bed just as his eyes closed right before he blacked out.
Nick was awoken some hours later by the sound of a car door slamming. It seemed louder to him than it actually was. The sudden noise jerked him from his sleep and he sat upright quickly. The blood rushed from his head, making him feel dizzy and lightheaded. But he didn't care. He stood up just as quickly and hid what he didn't want Greg to see in the back of the closet before falling backwards on the bed as the front door was opening and closing. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and tried to will away his awful headache that seemed to only be getting worse.
Nick was so concentrated on trying to force away his headache that he didn't hear Greg walk into the bedroom. He was unaware of the other man's precense until he felt Greg sit down on the bed next to him and lightly brush his hand through his hair.
"Are you okay sweetie?" Greg asked quietly.
Nick nodded slightly. "Yeah, just a headache."
Greg's eyes wandered from Nick's pale face and down the length of his body. He had missed it the first time, but when he looked up again he saw the mark on Nick's left arm and knew right away what it was from without even having to ask.
"Nicky..." Greg said as he brushed his finger over the track mark on the inside of Nick's arm.
Nick jerked his arm away. "Yeah?" He asked, his eyes still closed.
"Why did you do that?" Greg asked, cutting right to the chase.
Nick opened his eyes and looked up at Greg. "Do what?" He asked, trying to play dumb.
"I'm not an idiot Nick. How long have you been doing this to yourself...and why?"
Nick knew he couldn't try to fool Greg now. He sat up slowly and kept his eyes looking anywhere but into Greg's. Nick didn't exactly know how to answer that question, nor did he want to. He was afraid of the truth and wanted to keep running away from it as long as he could.
"I don't know...it was just today. I needed it I guess." Nick finally answered weakly.
Greg shook his head. "You don't need it Nicky. It'll only make things worse." Greg slid his hand into Nick's and gently rubbed the top of his hand with his thumb. "Promise me you'll stop."
Nick looked up at Greg and saw the fear in the other man's eyes. Nick could see how this was scaring the hell out of Greg, and it had only been one time. "I promise G." Nick whispered.
Greg leaned down and kissed Nick's forehead softly. When he pulled back and looked down at Nick, tears were building up in his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks.
"I hate to see you in pain and doing something like that to yourself. Let me help you...I don't want you to get hurt."
Nick reached up and brushed away the tears before the made it past Greg's lips. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm going to be okay as long as I have you. Just...don't leave me, okay?"
Greg shook his head slowly. "Why would I do that?"
"I can tell you right now that things are gonna get rough. I'm trying to stop it from happening, but it's still gonna be hell. I know there's no way I'm going to be able to do it without you. If you wanna bail, I don't blame you. But-"
Nick was cut off by Greg gently pressing their lips together. "You don't have to go through this alone. I'm not going anywhere."
