Warnings: Imagery, soap-opera scenes, lies, Vocaloid, references, singing, sexiness, randomness, minor nudity, mentions of drugs, minor gore, grapefruit, cursing, .Flow, stupidity, and JAPAN'S L's are R's.
Chapter Three: Japan loses his trousers
(Part Two)
Announcer 2: We now return to The Young and the German. On this week's episode Italy and Japan have stumbled across a sticky situation in what appears to be a standstill between Nations and Hatsune Miku. Who will prevail? Will Italy and Germany finally reunite, or are they all doomed? Is the ice cream machine still broken? Have they been unfrozen yet?
Japan began to shake, falling to the floor as he stared wide eyed at the pop star. The girl stared back at him only...something was really off. The teal haired girl was a computer program so her skin shouldn't be that grey and has she recently put on like 300 pounds? Maybe she was eating too much of Kaito's ice cream or that vegetable juice was a lie! Stupid V8 was evil! He knew it! Pomegranate something was too good to be a low calorie dose of veggies! Nutrition his Japanese ass! ALL LIES!
As this internal monologue was going on...
The setting melted away leaving only blue and gold meshing and melding together to form the sunset, the bittersweet face of forbidden love between dusk and day. The ocean could be heard, her waves crashing upon the shore nearly in anger at the sun's departure from her view. Soon it would be replaced and her evil stepmother, the moon, would appear and make her forget her tragic memories until the sun rose again, giving her nostalgia and high blood pressure from stress. Yes, a tragic romance.
Germany stared across the Thing's discoloured cosplay costume to stare into Italy's eyes. "I-Italia..You're all right, ja?"
"V-Ve, Germany...You have glitter on your face. Have you been stripping for Austria's magazine again?"
"You're not Hatsune Miku!" Japan screamed, again throwing an accusatory finger at the creature, effectively cutting Germany off from replying to his conversation with Italy that had become awkward real fast.
"You're right! Get out of here!" Everyone looked back at the door before blinking in confusion. No one had said anything. "Over here! Sheesh, do I need to get Ronald McDonald's Putin song to get your unawesome attention?"
"Japan, who's talking?" Italy asked in fear and confusion.
Japan glanced around before his eyes landed on a familiar blue uniform. "Oh, I think it is Prussia."
"Oh yeah. I forgot about him." Germany muttered. Italy nodded.
"Losers! I'm the king of Awesome! You can't forget me! You can't!"
Announcer 2: And...He was forgotten for another ten minutes.
"Sorry, but you just brend in so werr." Japan stated, but wasn't sorry at all. He knew Prussia was there, but it was fun to mess with the guy.
"So, vhat vere you saying, East?" Germany asked after sighing ten times.
"I didn't say anything." Prussia stated, "But I guess I should tell Japan that there's a leek behind him."
"L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lllleelelelelel elelelelelelelelelelelele..." Japan kept on going for a solid two minutes, Italy joining him, thinking it was a game, "eleleleleleleleeeee...AWHOOOOOO!"
Japan smacked Italy across the face, "This isn't Twiright, no werewolves!"
Italy retaliated by kicking Japan in the shin and backhanding him in the face, "Well, this isn't Spongebob! Welcome to Italy, bitch!"
"Oh, damn! Snap, crackle, pop!" Prussia yelled like a teenage girl, doing poses on the catwalk. However, no one paid him any attention as they were too wrapped up in watching Japan and Italy duke it out like turtles mixed with giraffes...Lots of neck movements that felt as if they were watching the matrix with all the slow-mos. However, it was enough of a distraction that the repairman was able to sneak in and fix up the ice cream machine and then leave without incident. In fact, Prussia was the only one who noticed at , he walked over and grabbed three cones of bubblegum ice cream, humming to himself about being a bubblegum bitch. before breaking into song. NOTE: No one should ever question why a life-size barbie pink car ever appears. FYI: It was stolen from Poland and transported and funded by the Doctor.
I'll chew you up and I'll spit you out
Cause that's what young love is all about.
So pull me closer, and kiss me hard
I'm gonna pop your bubblegum heart
I'm miss sugar pink liquor, liquor lips
Hit me with your sweet love, steal me with a kiss.
I'm miss sugar pink liquor, liquor lips
I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch
I'm gonna be your bubblegum bitch
Queentex, latex, I'm your wonder maid
Life gave me some lemons so I made some lemonade
Soda pop soda pop, baby here I come,
Straight to number one.
Prussia proceeded to pose on the car throughout the song while leaving the ice cream machine on. After his song that deserved to be rated among the ten sexiest music videos, Prussia felt a sugar-high coming on. However, the fake-Hatsune Miku interrupted everyone by rushing up to Prussia and smacking him.
Prussia slammed into the wall and then plopped onto the ground. However, a dark aura overtook him as he sat up and took out a mirror to check his complexion, "You animal! Harming a young girl's face is-is..." He paused for dramatic effect, "Unforgivable!"
Japan drew his sword, "For years young girls' faces have been kept untainted, but now that peace is shattered. I sharr once again draw my sword in the name of vanity-er-I mean sarvation!" He paused and looked over at Italy, "Ready?"
Italy nodded, "I'm always ready for pasta~!" He took out two large servings of pasta along with a gigantic fork...No one even to this day knows how he kept in in his pocket, but that's alright for the world is still fascinated by rocks. Damn, just look at them all! So many shapes!
Random person: ohhhhhhh
Announcer 2: In the right corner is Japan and Italy! One a samurai the other a cannibal-er-pasta lover! However, with a fan base of millions and stunning twin tails, in the left corner is Hatsune Miku cosplayer-hentai-Thing! Who will win this showdown? Will this fight ever end? Will Germany ever reply to being in Austria's magazine? Will no one find how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
"That shit is copyrighted!" Mamic screamed, jumping up and down, "You can't go doing shit like that! You need a fucking disclaimer, like this," Mamic looks at the readers earnestly, almost cutely as the camera zooms in, "The author of this work of fiction owns nothing but all the OCs that are not as cool as me, announcer 2, and all things that sound like they belong to any other idiot, not including Prussia.
"Hey," the once-nation yelled in protest, but was hit by an anvil. "Yes, that was owned by the writer."
"Who's this writer you keep mentioning?" Italy asked, eating pasta and Japan stabbed at the fake Miku.
"Italy, who are you talking to?" Germany asked, worried that everyone was on dope. Italy stuttered, unsure of himself, but with the help of corny 4kids lines he jumped back into the battle.
"DIE!" Thing yelled angrily, ready to pound the two nations in, well, really just Japan, but he doesn't know that yet. However, his large grey hands were smacked with a large meter stick. The room had magically transformed into a classroom and the Thing was sitting at a desk three sizes too small for his ass. In the front of the room were Japan and Italy. They were dressed as fashionable teachers and wore fake glasses just because they could. Italy smacked the meter stick against his hands as the two tsked at the creature.
"Big-grey-brob-of-anomary, you are a fauking disgrace to this crass, your parents, and to society!" Japan lectured, "Arr you know how to say is die and you will not escape. This is not acceptabre! Do you kiss your oka-san with those rips!?"
"Ve~For the next few hours we'll teach you the easy way to know words! Have you ever heard of the phrase, sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?"
The Thing nodded, happy to know at least something.
"Obviousry, that person never had a...book thrown at their face!" Japan yelled, beaming a book at the monster's face. It hit dead on, "Words hurt a rot! It's time for pain!"
"Open that book to a random page and use every word in a long sentence with little to no correct grammar, just to piss off the grammar nazis, ve~!" Italy screamed, ignoring Germany's look at the word nazi.
The Thing opened the dictonary and began to form a sentence, "I'Ll TaKe A RAiNChECk bUT I fOrGoT MY raInCOAt CaUSe ThERE WAs No RaINFaLl In ThE rAInFOReST so The RaINGaUgE Was BroKen DIE RaInY RaISE To WaTeR, BEaT WiTh RaKE At RaLLy Or WiTh WilD RaM As I RAMbaLe rAbucTioUsLy AnD Like RaMenTum AnD RamIE So I RaMiFY The RaMP od RAMpAge In MY RampAncY oF raMPaNt PErsOnALiTy."
"Did you understand what you just said?" Japan asked, to which the monster shook his head no. Japan patted the creature's head, "Good! That's the first step to French."
"Wait, we're teaching English!" Italy said, holding the dictionary upside down, "Can you eat a dictionary, ve~"
"Why wourd you think that?"
"...It sounds like German sausage~"
"Itary, what...OH GOD! ITARY! Bad!" Japan began to spray the nation with a bottle of water for the dirty thoughts that were plaguing his mind. However, he was secretly enjoying them more than he should have. Italy seemed to have become a neko as he started to hiss and swat at the water coming at him.
While hissing at the water, Italy hit a drop, somehow sending a few drops flying through the air at the Thing. The little drops of water mysteriously turned to needles and pierced the Thing, one chopping off it's teal pigtail. The others broke one of the earphones and the other cut the belt that kept up the skirt.
All was silent as the skirt fell down.
"What the hell does this mean?" Germany yelled, not able to move his eyes from the horrible sight before him.
"Werr, from my deduction and understanding of generar hentai," Japan started suddenly wearing a monocle and casually holding a magnifying glass, "I have put together three possibirities. The first is that this Thing is not Hatsune Miku and is the Thing we've been running from. In this instance we wirr need to fight. However, the second posibirity is that due to Itary it wirr suddenry be defeated and disappear to fight rater. The third option is that we are high on drugs and wirr die from overdose."
"No! There must be a fourth version!" Prussia yelled, feeling like he's Watson or some person out of an anime that had some deal with the devil-or something akin to it.
"The authors don't fucking remember!" Mamic yelled, feeling grumpy and pissed off at the general world. Curse that stupid ice cream machine! The vanilla and chocolate were staring at him weirdly! "I have a mother fuckin' wife and kid!"
"Why are you yerring?" Japan yelled out, giving everyone-even the Thing-a reason to raise their brows.
"Does the Thing even have fucking eyebrows?" Mamic asked, looking at the ceiling for some answer from above.
"I'll check! Mew~~" Kat stated before heading out on her quest that took forty days and fifty nights. Hey, she stopped at the city that never sleeps and got a ride from the Doctor. It could happen! After that she finally arrived back to the present, which took all of ten seconds.
"Nope~Mew!" Mamic sweatdropped as did Japan at the key's antics.
"Japan, who are you sweatdropping at? You're starting to scare me! It's like that one time I walked in on Romania eating Austria's head and Miss Hungary holding a pitchfork! That was really scary!"
Japan rushed forwards and held Italy's hands as he shouted, "I'm not the onry one!"
"Urgh, bruder, I don't know what's going on." Prussia whispered, a bit afraid of the other two. However, as soon as the Thing disappeared the Prussian ran over to Japan and grabbed him by the shoulders.
"Japan...I...I...I...Watashi...I don't know Japanese~" Prussia started off seriously but then drifted off into song. Japan slapped him in the face, righting the situation. "Ouch! You bitch! Stop being unawesome, I just wanted you to know that..."
He trailed off, pausing for dramatic effect, before taking out a large axe and smashed it on Japan's head. The blade went halfway in, blood horrendously and sporadically and any other funny and gross sounding word that means that the blood was sprouting everywhere. Japan stared wide-eyed at the Prussian. In fact, everyone was.
"You just killed Japan!" Italy cried, tears gushing down his face. Germany reached for his iPod ready to pull out his lightsaber app and defend his fallen ally.
However, all were stopped at Japan turned to look at the two, which was really gross since he had an axe in his head and all. "It is arr right. This is fake. Even the brood." Japan then began to take the axe out of his head. Once it was in hand, the Japanese boy smiled creepily, "However, this is not."
That being said, Japan used the axe and sliced Prussia's throat open. Strangely enough, out of his neck came toys for all the boys and girls along with some beer. Japan picked one up and cracked it open and took a sip deeply. As he finished, Japan stared intently into the camera, "Budlight. Buy it."
"Cut! That was awful, redo it! Make the killing more intense. Be Mandy or Sebastian or even Sasuke! Kill me like Sasuke did Itachi! Make it remorseful! I want intensity! Give me more lip action!" Prussia screamed hysterically from behind the camera.
Japan felt an angry tick mark appear on his forehead, "I'rr show you rip action!"
The angry nation stomped over to Prussia and grabbed him by the collar, crashing his lips onto the Prussians. They heatedly kiss as Italy and Germany watched. The latter was starting to get into the mood and was slowly moving closer to the slender nation when said nation decided to open his mouth, "Whoa, I haven't seen a kiss like that since the last Christmas party! Romano ended up kissing Spain, Prussia, and making out with South Korea in a closet! I also remember France and England going upstairs! I went to tell them about dessert but there was this scary moaning sound and thumping so I went back downstairs!"
Italy leaned in closer to Germany and whispered, "I think Russia and America also made out in the bushes, but I'm not too sure."
Germany raised a brow and sweatdropped, "Italia, how do you know all of this?"
Italy only smiled creepily before suddenly pulling out a plate of pasta, "I don't have video cameras or anything... or do I?"
"That's hot. Let me eat your face." Germany whispered seductively but as he leaned in to kiss him his lips were met with something very chapped and disturbing. Opening his eyes he screamed like a lil' bitch as he came face to face with a zombie!
Zombie announcer: Formally announcer one, I have become a zombie. Newsflash: Give me sugar Germany! I need you!
Germany quickly threw some sugar cubes at the creature as he jumped into Italy's arms and squealed like a cross between a fangirl gone wrong and a pig. Everyone only stared at Germany. The man only stared back, "What? You never know when you'll need it for grapefruit."
"You rike grapefruit?" Japan asked in disbelief. Who likes grapefruit willingly?
"Ja," Germany replied as if Japan were a dumbass... which he may very well be. Who DOESN'T like grapefruit... besides mostly everyone.
Germany was then dropped like an electrified hot pocket that had gotten dipped in cat litter. He stared up at Italy in shock, "I-Italia.. why?"
"Grapefruit," Italy paused for dramatic effect as he held back tears, "murdered Grandpa Rome!"
"Let's get outta here!" Prussia yelled in anger, glaring at Germany as Japan hugged Italy to his chest.
"What about me?" Germany called.
"And me!" The zombie announcer yelled out.
"No one cares about you, Germany. Ain't nobody got time for you, zombie wannabe." Prussia stated before falling to his knees in pain, holding his side.
Japan and Italy gasped, rushing to the albino's aid. They hauled him to his feet as he breathed in shallowly, "No, I'm... alright... Watashi... insert Japanese."
Japan let go, allowing the Prussian to flop back onto the floor, "You're a fauking disgrace."
"Ja, I heard you the first time you asshole! Now, help me the fuck up! We were having a drama-mama moment!"
"Shut up all of you! I am tired of your shit day in and day motha fukin' out! Go to your rooms, right now!" Italy screamed obnoxiously, stomping his foot in agitation at the other two, "You can come out when you decide to apologize to each other!"
"What-" Prussia was cut off as Italy took out a purse and whacked him with it, "Now!"
"Fuck you and your mothers! Go the fok to your rooms now now now now now now! You bastards go go go!"
"Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!" Prussia challenged as he stomped his foot in anger. "You're not my mamma!"
Japan, watching the two cuss each other out, went over to the door at the knocking and opened it. There stood the Orbit girl, he indicated over his shoulder and she nodded. As she passed he saluted her. She was a true woman going to war.
The blonde woman walked over to the two and grabbed each by the wrist as they had started a catfight. She gripped each firmly, distributing her power as the two struggled to get at one another. "Let me at him!" Prussia screeched shrilly. Italy snapped his teeth in response.
"Spare the man, his life is now mine." Italy bit her arm in response, "There's a demon inside of you, inside of both of you."
Cue the sudden manifestation of wriggling black ooze that erupted from Orbit girl's arm, "Fear and anger only make it grow faster."
"I'm getting a little tired of this curse of yours Ashitaka-" Prussia started, but the blonde cut him off.
"It's Cindy, bitch."
Italy paused, "The Kaibutsu?"
"No!" With that she knocked both of them out with a falcon punch followed by stabbing them with the hilt of a sword. "I'm leaving and I'm taking the wolf girl." Cindy walked over to the side and opened a closet where she took out San and carried her away. Just as she reached the door she turned and, with an award winning smile, held up a package of Orbit gum, "Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit. Results may vary. NOW KISS!"
And... she was gone.
Germany and the zombie stood up and glanced at one another... The fuck just happened? The two took a step towards their fallen friends just as Japan collapsed. The German ran over to him, "Japan, are you alright? Are you injured?"
Japan grasped the German's toned hand in his, staring up at him with hazy eyes, "Watashi...Ore...ore...Oreos." Then he passed out.
"You're... oreos?"
Japan popped an eye open and smacked the German on the head, "Bitch, I meant get my oreos!" With that he settled back down Egyptian mummy style.
"You're friends are assholes," The Zombie stated, patting the German on the back, "you poor German asshole."
"Ja... Hey, wait a sec-"
"Here's a wooden box I stole. This will effectively move the plot along without you guys having to run around and look for it, seeing as the others are all passed out. Within this magic box of morning wood there lies a a key and here's a a medical k kit."
"Are you alright-wait a moment...? Morning wood..." Germany quickly took the wooden box, medical kit, and somehow picked up all his friends and loaded them onto his back before running out of the room.
"Wait, here's my number! Call me!" The zombie announcer yelled, reaching out to him, but then his arm fell off. "Shit!"
SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE ACTIVATE
The room that the key unlocked was located on the second floor. The wallpapering was a faded blue with a large fireplace and a table in the center. Germany set the others on the table, dodging the kick that Japan sent him in his sleep only to be punched in the balls by Italy.
Germany grit his teeth, refusing to throw his friends into the fireplace. Mainly due to to the fact that he didn't have a matchbox. However, upon opening the wooden box of morning wood, that was no longer an issue for him. Germany shifted his eyes to the door, more importantly to the lock on the door. Well, he wouldn't want his friends to try and escape. He quickly moved over and locked the door.
He grabbed Japan first and was moving to throw him in the fireplace when something bit his finger. He looked down to find a lone riceball on the floor. Angry for no apparent reason, the German lifted his foot and was about to squash the small ball of rice when a key suddenly hit him in the face. He dropped Japan and grabbed at his face in pain.
Japan landed on the floor with a thud, legs scrambled, and arms in disarray. He had also, barely, just avoided crushing Mamic. However, his fanny pack opened and Beifong fell out. Germany threw the key that attacked him somewhere over yonder before staring at the key that was Beifong. He picked it up angrily and pushed it under the door, not caring about what happened to it.
After his tantrum, Germany sat at the table and cried before smashing his head against a wall. After a good few minutes he picked up his hand held mirror and deemed himself gorgeous enough for now. Pain really does help to improve beauty, especially that of a sexy German nation. Now, if he could only remember why he felt so guilty.
Looking down at the riceball and at the key, Germany picked up both and shoved them into Japan's fanny pack. There, no harm done.
Germany started the fire and decided to wake up East in the most annoying way possible, "East, East, East."
"West."
"East."
"Hello?"
"This is West."
"This is I-Don't-Give-Free-Fucks."
"I would like to order the special."
"You know the costs?"
"Yes, are you ready?"
After a second of hesitation Prussia nodded:
(Prussia. Both. Germany)
I'm too sexy for my love (2x) love's
Going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy
For my shirt so sexy it hurts and I'm
Too sexy for Milan (2x) New York and
Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party (2x)
No way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model you know what I mean and
I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk (2x) yeah I do my
Little turn on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my car (2x) too sexy
By far and I'm too sexy for my hat
(2x) What do you think about that
I'm a model you know what I mean and
I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk (2x) yeah I shake
My little touche on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my (3x)
Cos I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the
Catwalk yeah on the catwalk (2x) yeah
I shake my little touche on the
Catwalk
I'm too sexy for my cat (2x) poor
Pussy poor pussy catI'm too sexy for
My love (2x) love's going to leave me
And I'm too sexy for this song
Once that little number ended the two went about putting back on their clothes. The two were silent, no words were exchanged. This was strictly a business exchange. Nothing more. However, that's was it should have been.
"Hey, West..." Prussia started as he slowly turned to face the younger German. The blonde paused as he was pulling on his black undershirt, "Hmmm? Vhat is it?"
"I-I...well, ya see..." Germany raised a brow at his brother's stuttering, "Ja?"
"Well, I've been thinking about this for awhile now and, well-" Prussia was cut off by Germany suddenly falling over, ready to sleep.
"Bruder, do me a favor, watch the fort for awhile, ja?" With that Germany passed out like a log. Prussia fumed and picked up the key and threw it at his brother's head. He wasn't even satified when it made direct contact with the blonde's head.
After calming, he slumped down in a chair and looked over at the other three. Germany was drooling and mumbling about wurst with his limbs sprawled out on the floor, Italy was curled up into... a pretzel (?) and was sound asleep, and, last but not least, Japan was curled up on the table before him, his sword tucked under his chin and grasped tightly in his hands.
Prussia smiled at them. They were all so cute when they slept, even Germany's disgusting drool face, and he couldn't deny Germany when he was tasked to stand guard. His red eyes glanced at the fire, taking in the flames that stood within the fire place. The glow is casted gave the room a warmer tint, but it also made the shadows longer.
Prussia took out his diary-er-notebook and began to write. For a while he'd been titling his journal The Memoirs of an Albino. He wrote all that he'd been and was currently feeling along with what had happened throughout his time awake.
Day XX,
Today I played the role of Hansel, witnessed a grey-ass, and played with Japan and bruder, mainly Japan. He's so cute when he's flustered, like foamy beer by the gallon. That sake stuff could never compare! Kesesesesese! I may be stuck in a haunted mansion with a Thing after my hot, awesome albino ass, but I've only wet my pants twice!
As of now, I'm alone just like Edgar, but my book won't end with my own self-sacrifice for some lord. Elliot would kill me! I don't think Leo could stop him, but, knowing the awesome me, I would somehow get out alive. Anyway, my lifeth is coming to my reflective eye, but what should I do for a feather? Tis no easy answer as thou hath not benneth so terrified of anythang.
I care about them, almost as much as my Pokemon and porn stash, but would I really be able to go through with this? If the time comes... if needed, I will sacrifice the wool hidden in the fireplace to my mutton god that doesn't exist.
~Man of Awesome, Prussia
P.S. Dye Japan's hair pink and steal Austria's mole.
P.S.S. I was bitten. I don't know how much time I have left. I may turn into a Runner or a Clicker within the hour. If it comes to that, please, journal, kill me. A gun is hidden inside the back page. Use it if I lose control. But don't aim for my face; I want to still have a sexy body. I promised France and some fangirls that they could fuck my corpse. Love you... Not really.
Prussia set the pen down and closed the journal. He shivered as a chill ran down his spine as he stood up to get closer to the fire. As he picked up the chair to bring with him there was a pulling at the door, prompting the man to trip and drop the chair into the fire.
He cursed to himself angrily and stomped over to the door with a sword in hand. He loved that chair like a son! That bastard would pay for making him kill him! He couldn't go to jail! Prussia was too awesome for that, too young, and way too sexy for those tacky orange jumpsuits!
He turned back to the others forlornly, "Sorry guys, but I loved the chair more. I'll be back, I won't die! I will live on in your hearts as a-"
Japan sat up and threw a book at him, "We get it, shut up!"
Prussia huffed and departed from the room. Japan went back to lying down and placed headphones into his ears, effectively cutting off the Prussian's girly screams.
AN: Very sorry about the late update! School was horrendous and we were sick relatively often. As you can tell, that three chapter split failed, but we're still going to go through with it. Part three will be centered on the entrance of the Allies!
P.S. Is it sad I can quote Princess Mononoke nearly word for word?
~Preview~
"I'm not imaginary! I'm real"
ReViEw, Ja?
!
