Forever isn't endless
While Grace chose the next journal, Marlin drank some wine. "You know… I always thought we had a great childhood. It didn't matter they were working both. To me, it didn't matter; I thought they made that up. I loved how active they were. Even you and Ma talked me into a lot of sports, or I was just in the morgue with Mom. They supported almost everything."
"Well, they didn't want me to become a baseball player."
Marlin giggled. "You are good, but you are way better being a cop."
"I know!"
Grace cleared her throat.
"Dear Jane,
It was an early summer morning. The sun was about to rise, birds were singing in the trees. You stroke my hair away to kiss my neck. Your mouth wandered along my shoulder and my arm. Your fingertips found their way to my stomach, where they slipped under my shirt. You spread your fingers, slowly caressing my belly and up to my breast, just a little teasing.
We made love, slow and sweet, held each other just to start over again.
Later – the sun meanwhile got up – we went to get ready for the day. I took a shower, and heard you singing with your toothbrush. It made me laugh, which lead to you climbing under the water with me, and some more touching and teasing.
I loved that, soapy, wet skin on skin, hands gliding easily, a whole different sensation. I enjoyed washing your hair, letting my hands rest on your shoulders after that, then running down your spine. Even when we got older, our bodies were still sportive. Well – yours more than mine, but we tried. To me, I loved how you felt that day. Because you looked stunning; and because you looked… mine.
That still makes me smile. You are mine. Who could have told years ago? I never expected to have such a fulfilled life. I didn't even believe in love, but you proved me wrong. We raised two wonderful angels… most of the time… and loved the little devils they could be as well.
When we were done with the shower, we got dressed. You wore your favourite shirt with the police logo, and a pair of black pants. I decided for a white summer dress. It was my day off, I had to do some grocery shopping and a lot of laundry was waiting. We had planned a barbeque later.
You started making pancakes while I went upstairs again, bare feet on the wooden stairs. I went to Graces room first. The bed was empty, but I knew where to find her. The connection door to Marlins room was wide open. In the bed, cuddled under the blanket, I saw red and black hair. I sneaked closer, watched the kids for a moment. No matter how old they were, I hoped, they would always feel comfort with being together like that. They let each other feel secure, and I couldn't be gladder.
I woke them with kisses, tickled them when they didn't want to get up. They pulled me down with them, pillow fighting against me until we were out of breath. When we made it downstairs, following the tasty smell of pancakes, our hair was a mess, and our cheeks red from laughing.
We sat at our table, and talked about the daily schedule. The kids made announcements which things they desperately needed me to get while shopping. Marlin wanted to spend the afternoon in the animal shelter she used to help out sometimes. Grace had a baseball game, then had planned to meet her sister at the shelter, and later came home back together.
When the girls left the house, they hugged us and gave us a kiss, as usual we told them we love them. "Shine, be brilliant and foolish", you said when you kissed them once again.
I cleaned the table while you finally got ready for work. You hugged me from behind, held me, and then turned me around for a longing kiss. With a smile and a whispered promise you were gone.
I worked down my lists, singing along while cleaning. While changing the kid's bed sheets, I found condoms. Graces, I supposed. We would need to talk about that later.
It was afternoon, warm with a light breeze. I was preparing the dinner, we wanted to barbeque in the garden.
Then, I heard a car and looked outside. It was a police car, but it wasn't you who got out. They were two of your partners. I went to the door, watching them approaching. They stood right in front of the porch when they took down their caps.
I had to grab the door frame. "How bad?"
"The worst."
My knees gave in. I slide down untll I sat on the ground. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. They let me sit there for a while. Then they helped me up. They offered to go in, but I wanted to sit in the sun. We sat down at the bench.
"I need to know. Tell me the details."
They refused to, but I asked again. I needed to know.
"We came back from a coffee break. We had cookies and cake in the café around the corner. Jane was talking about something, when we reached the police station again. It seemed to be busy; a lot of people were standing around. Then we saw the reason. A young man held a gun to the head of a social worker. A small child was sitting in the car, looking at the scene. It seemed the social worker was taking the child to another location and the father wasn't okay with that. We tried to help. While the officers tried to move the crowd away, Jane started talking to the man. She talked about her family, and that he would never see his child again if he would kill that woman. After a while she seemed to reach him with her words. But then he realized all the guns, he didn't see any chance for him to survive. I don't know, but within a second he shot the social worker into her head – blood sprayed everywhere – and wanted to jump to the car and get away. Jane shot his leg, and he stumbled, fell. He… pointed at her, and before she could jump down the bullet hit her. She got shot in the heart."
I could only nod. She must have been dead before she hit the ground. The team offered help, asked if they should call anybody. I asked them to organize the funeral. Her brother already knew and was telling the elderly parents.
They left after a while, and I sat down on the porch, on our usual spot. The sun warmed my bare legs, I would get a lovely light brown tint. But to me, the birds didn't sing any more. I was aware of the brightness of the day, but everything inside me was frozen. I could barely breath. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move. I just kept sitting there."
Marlin put down the diary for a moment. She found her sister crying, only to learn she was crying the same tears. They pulled in for a long hug, held each other till the tears stopped falling. Grace kissed Marlins cheek.
"The kids came home. They were talking when they put their bikes away. They greeted me and started talking about their days, sitting down next to me. I slung my arms around them. And told them I loved them. My heart was breaking, and I wished I could just lie. I wished I could tell them their Ma would have gone to heaven, now shining for us as a star, watching over us. They weren't toddlers any more, but young ladies, teenagers, about to grow up. I remembered the condoms for a second."
"She called us 'my butterflies'". My. Not ours", Grace whispered. "And Ma was gone."
"It was such a hard time. I don't know how Mom managed to get up, kept us going day after day, in the usual routine. Everybody told us to slow down, but I was thankful for routines."
"Yes, it was something very steady. Do you remember the funeral? The sun was shining bright. A single cloud crossed the sky when Ma was buried; a small breeze crossed the cemetery."
"It was like her last goodbye."
Marlin held her sisters hand when they continued.
"Life continued. Life never stops.
I started working again after the funeral, I had to. I had to focus on something else. I had to keep going, had to do something I wouldn't have to think about. I am great in my job, and it was the easiest thing to be down there, in the quiet of the morgue again. Death didn't ask me questions, didn't give me looks.
It just took you away. I don't know how many times I cried on the bodies I've been working with, those secret tears I didn't want to share with anybody.
You were gone, my love, and after a while everybody got back to their usual life. Our girls had to deal with your loss. They were okay, more or less, they still had each other. Some nights, they crawled into our bed. They snuggled and held me like you used to do. We cried, but made each other smile again. They gave me so much strength. Without them, I wouldn't know where I would be.
We have had so many wonderful years together, but not enough. Never enough, Jane.
Later I realized you died the way I feared years ago. On duty, saving lives. But that was just you, the other half of you. I loved them both. Jane, my lover, my partner and family person, and Jane, the cop. It was your passion as well. As I feared you would die on duty – it didn't matter any more after it happened. You were gone. It didn't make a difference if it happened on duty or… of a disease, or age. You were gone, and took a part of me along.
You left me two wonderful daughters, one so much like you it hurts. It's like seeing a younger version of you sometimes. She is sparkling, shining as we always hoped. And Marlin is the same. As much as they are like us, they are different, their own individuals.
I kept going for them. And for myself. You would have wanted me to.
I missed you every day, every minute. I sometimes dreamed of you, and almost could feel you next to me, and wake up with a smile, only to realize it was just a dream. I missed you when the first snow fell. I missed you when the kids and I went Christmas shopping. I missed you in spring, in summer and in autumn. For a very long time, I didn't feel. There wasn't any joy.
Life went on, but it felt much calmer to me, without you storming through my world on a daily basis.
After a while, the kids started laughing again, not so young and innocent any more, but laughing after all. They finished school, started college. They had boyfriends. Life didn't treat me very bad, the world didn't fall apart. I had friends. I wasn't lonely. I had the family. And I had the feeling you would always be with me.
But when I sat on the stairs of our porch, loneliness hit me from time to time. And then, our twins brought beer and sat down next to me. Every time they saw me there. It didn't matter if they had dates. Nothing would stop them from being with me, there when I got lost in my thoughts about you. And even after I lost you, we never felt like we really lost you. To us, you are there, in the smile of our daughters, in the stories I tell, in this house, even in every beer we share on these stairs.
I miss you so much, miss the moments we shared, the things we did. In my mind, we are still doing them. But in the real world, I have to do them alone, or with somebody else. It is okay, it has to be. It's just… nobody can compare with you.
My Janie. I didn't believe in love other than chemical reactions. You proved me wrong. You captured my heart, stormed in like a whirlwind, and were gone almost the same way. In between we had the most amazing life together, more than I ever imagined I deserved.
You would call me stupid, telling me I deserve every star in the universe. And I wouldn't lecture you about the words.
Sometimes, forever isn't endless. You are gone, but you left your heart with me, letting me feel lonely but loved – forever."
Marlin sniffled again, and got hugged again. Grace kissed her sister. "You know, Mom is right – Ma is always with us. She was never gone."
They snuggled together for a while, giving each other closeness and safety. Marlin laid her head on her sister's shoulder.
It was dark, stars where shining. Grace looked out there into the wide of the sky. "Do you think there is a life after death?"
"There is no proof for that."
"But, what do you feel? Do you think; that if I may die, we would meet again?"
"I… read a book, about souls. It was a spiritual book. I haven't had anything else, so… but… it said that connected souls will always find each other again. I would always find you."
"Promise."
"Promise!"
