A little more angst, and some hope in the next chapter. Thank you for reading and enjoy!
"Ems! Come on, wake up!" Rapunzel shakes Emma none too gently and lies on the bed next to her, poking her shoulder until Emma opens her eyes.
"What?!"
"It's almost noon and I'm bored."
Emma groans and tries to put the pillow over her head, but her friend is relentless.
"You've been out half the night."
The memories of the boat ride with Killian flash behind Emma's closed lids and she just can't help smiling like an idiot.
"Did he finally kiss you?"
"No. But I kissed him... on the cheek.", Emma says and stretches out like a cat, then sits up and runs her fingers through her tangled hair. "It felt nice."
"I really picked a bad time to come here, didn't I?" Rapunzel asks and Emma shakes her head, forcing herself to leave her comfortable bed and start getting dressed.
"Don't worry about that. I'm glad you're here", Emma tells her because even if she practically aches to see Killian again, Rapunzel is her best friend and she's happy that she came to visit.
After the kiss she'd given him last night, Emma thinks it might be a good idea to keep her distance for a while, decide what she should do about the growing attraction and closeness between them before she goes to see him again, and Rapunzel's presence is the perfect excuse.
And so, the two friends go riding in the morning and spend the afternoons in the cool shade of the castle, playing with the housekeeper's litter of puppies and taking endless walks around the garden when they aren't reading in the library, and by an unspoken agreement, they don't discuss either Killian or Flynn.
A week goes by, then two, and Rapunzel announces that she'd like to go back home during breakfast they share with Snow alone because David is travelling on some important royal business. Emma and her mother try to convince Rapunzel to stay a bit longer, but she is adamant to leave, and by next morning her luggage is packed; she gives Emma a goodbye hug as they stand next to the carriage, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"I'll miss you", Rapunzel says and Emma swallows a lump in her own throat, holding on and wishing she didn't have to let go.
"Write me as soon as you arrive home", Emma tells her and Rapunzel winks, then climbs into the carriage, leaning out the window and enthusiastically waving at Emma and her mother.
"Don't be afraid!" She yells before disappearing inside the carriage and Emma smiles, pretending not to see her mother's quizzical look.
"What is my fearless daughter afraid of?" Snow finally asks and Emma just shrugs, telling Snow that it's just a private joke between them.
"It's fine being afraid sometimes", Snow says softly and wraps her arm around Emma's waist to pull her close against her side. "It's how you deal with the fear that matters."
Emma wonders if she'd be saying the same thing if she knew what was her daughter afraid of; starting something with a man who simply isn't of appropriate social standing to even court Emma, much less do anything else about their mutual attraction.
But then again, there's hope that he could be one again, if only Emma knew how to talk him into doing what needs to be done for him to get back to who he once was.
If only she knew how to help the blacksmith become a Lieutenant again.
Emma approaches the lake timidly, her steps uncertain and her heart hammering because it's been a while, and she's not sure how Killian is going to react to her presence.
She finds him pacing by the lake, and once he sees her a myriad of emotions play across his face before it settles on a look of disinterest that upsets her more than anything else could.
"Your Highness", he says coolly and then he's walking past her and back toward his horse.
"Killian, wait, don't go!" She exclaims and runs after him, her hand landing on his shoulder and halting his progress.
He doesn't turn toward her, and she can feel him shaking underneath her fingers.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't owe me anything, your Highness. Now that I'm certain you are well, I shall take my leave", he says and shrugs off her hand, and for a long minute Emma is rooted to her spot, debating whether or not she should let him leave and try to talk to him some other day.
The thing is, she's too afraid he'll stop coming here if she lets him go.
"I could tell you I was absent because my friend's visit kept me occupied, but it's not really true", she calls after him but he keeps walking, so she picks up her skirts and runs to catch up, running around him and planting herself in his path. "I was scared."
"I suppose one-handed blacksmiths can be quite scary", he says without a trace of humour in his voice and tries to step around her, but Emma lays her hands on his shoulders and makes him stay where he is.
"I know you know that it's not what I meant", she tells him firmly and tilts her head until he meets her gaze, a muscle jumping in his jaw when he presses his lips together.
"What did you mean?" He demands, his eyes flashing with challenge, and she's suddenly very aware of how close they are; the air around them seems charged, and it takes her a moment to find her voice. "Do you even know what you want from me, princess?"
Emma lets him go and backs away, a brief pang of regret piercing her heart; and yet, it's easier to get angry and keep her vulnerability well hidden than reveal herself too much, so she glares at him and plants her hands on her hips.
"You said it yourself; I don't owe you anything", Emma says and he wouldn't look more hurt if she had actually struck him. "We've been having fun, but we were also getting too familiar with each other."
"You kissed me, you reached for my hand!" He exclaims, his eyes wide with disbelief.
"You make me forget reason!" Emma yells and for a moment they are frozen, staring at each other, the rest of the world slowing down, and Emma doesn't listen to reason, completely ignoring propriety as she moves, covering the distance between them in a few quick steps and pressing herself against him, her fingers tangling in his hair as she pulls him down for a kiss.
Or at least tries to.
Killian's hand falls on her waist and he pushes her away, her lips barely brushing his before he sidesteps her, blood rushing into her cheeks from embarrassment.
For a long minute he stands facing away from her, motionless like a fine marble statue, and Emma curses herself for being so rash, half-expecting him to just walk away, her heart squeezing as panic rushes through her veins.
"I apologize, your Highness", he finally says, turning back to look at her with sad, resigned eyes, and Emma puts her hair behind her ears and takes a deep breath to compose herself as best as she can before speaking, her voice strangely calm.
"You didn't do anything wrong", she says and gives him a playful smile even though his rejection stung her horribly; frankly, she's not used to not getting what she wants, but she understands why he's trying to keep her at arms' length, and a part of her is even glad for it.
"It would've been wrong if I kissed you", he says, his chest heaving and his hand balling into a tight fist by his side as if he has to fight himself not to reach for her.
"Don't say that", she says softly and steps toward him, but he just steps back and the distance between them stays exactly the same.
"But it is; you're a princess."
"You're a Lieutenant!" Emma exclaims, her voice rising with desperation because she can feel him slipping further and further away from her with every word they exchange.
"I am not, princess", he snaps, and Emma flinches, his stormy expression instantly softening. "I… I can't do this, I can't offer you anything… I'm just a blacksmith."
"You gave me a month away from loneliness. You gave me a friend and one that is quickly-", Emma says, her stomach clenching because this isn't about whether he can provide for her or not; it's about not having to hide, about protecting him because if they were found out, she'd be alright, but he'd be anything but.
"No. I am sorry, your Highness", he says and ducks his head, his teeth worrying his bottom lip before he continues. "I am… I am honored by your presence here and as delighted I was to keep you company, this… Whatever we were… Whatever we were can't be and whatever we were doing can't continue."
"But-"
"Forgive me, Emma", he says and she feels her heart stutter because he had never uttered her name before, and she gets the feeling he's only saying it now because he thinks this is their final goodbye.
He doesn't know her at all if he thinks she's going to give up on him so easily.
"There's nothing to forgive", Emma says and walks to him, her fingers wrapping around his wrist so firmly he doesn't even attempt to pull away.
"I shudder to think what would happen to your reputation if we got caught together", he tells her and Emma feels a rush of warmth and affection she doesn't want to keep pretending doesn't exist.
"I don't care that you're a blacksmith, Killian", she tells him and raises her free hand to cup his cheek, making him look at her. "And my reputation would be fine, but I'm scared for you, and that's the only reason I want you to become a Lieutenant again."
"Who would employ a one-handed sailor, Swan? Much less an officer?" He asks and tips his head down, his forehead resting against hers.
"You took me sailing, and you managed just fine".
"I can't swordfight anymore", he says in a broken voice that makes her slide her hand down and entwine their fingers in an attempt to comfort him.
"You only need one hand for that", she tells him and the hurt in his eyes makes a cold chill of foreboding rush down her spine.
"I'm left-handed", he says, his voice catching and her heart breaking because she had thought that the only thing standing between him and a brilliant service was his guilt and the lingering pain of the loss of his brother.
"Killian…"
"You should go back to the castle, Swan. I don't have anything left to give you and-"
"You can learn how to sword-fight with your right hand", she says, pausing for just a moment before pressing on because she can't afford to backtrack now. "You can't tell me you've never tried it, just for fun, just to see how it goes."
"Of course I did."
"There you go."
"But even if I wanted to do it, where would I find somebody to spar with me?" He asks her, and she's overwhelmed because even despite everything that's happened to him there's still a tiny glimmer of hope shining in his eyes at the thought that he could find a way back to the man he once was.
"I know just the right person for the job", she tells him and smiles when a slow smile stretches his lips, his hand squeezing hers.
"You just don't know how to quit, do you, Swan?"
"Do you still have your sword?"
"Aye, I do."
"Bring it here tomorrow, and be ready to get knocked on your ass a few times", Emma tells him impishly and stands on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the cheek.
"I don't…", he starts, then trails off and lifts their hands to his lips to kiss the back of hers. "I will come, but don't expect miracles to happen."
"I'm going to try to be as patient as I can, but you have to really commit to this", Emma tells him and he lifts an eloquent eyebrow, her hand pressing against his mouth to stop him from teasing her because they both know she never really learned how to be patient. "I will see you tomorrow."
With that said, Emma takes a step back but his hand is still holding hers and it scares her how hard it is to let him go, to let her fingers slip from his and give him one last parting smile before she turns around and walks away.
Review?
