Santana groaned out softly as her body suddenly decided to wake up. She was stiff, probably because she had slept in one position all night. She yawned and that's when she realized her mouth was dry and tasted like she had licked a few feet. She grimaced at that and lifted her hand to rub at her face. That's when she felt the note stuck to her face.
Her eyes blinked open and she pulled the note off her face and held it out to read it. She had trouble focusing on it for a moment but eventually she could see the letters:
Went to lunch with Rachel. Didn't want to wake you. There's water on your nightstand. Hope you don't feel too bad. -Em
Santana crumbled the note and threw it aside as a yawn ripped through her mouth. She felt like crap. Too much alcohol, too little sleep. She let out a heavy sigh and reached for the water. At least her cousin was thoughtful. She smiled at that and took a drink from the cup. That's when the events of the night before came flooding back to her.
She coughed and choked on her water as she shot up in her bed. She was suddenly panicking. What was Rachel telling Emily? Wait, what was Rachel even thinking? Did she even remember? Of course she did, she had been nearly sober when it had happened. Santana let out a long groan and cupped her hands around her face. She wanted to die. She had no idea what was going to happen now or how their friendship would recover, if it even could. She ran a hand through her hair and groaned again. She had a headache and she was pretty sure it wasn't because she was hungover.
She had to figure something out. She had to put together a game plan. She had to make up some excuse as to why she did something as stupid as kiss Rachel. She would lie. Lie through her teeth. If there was one thing Santana Lopez was good at it was lying. She nodded to herself as she climbed out of bed, grabbed her water, and headed to the bathroom to find something for her headache. She was going to fabricate the greatest lie in the history of lies.
Santana had found some aspirin and was standing in the kitchen chugging down her water when the loft door opened. She froze. She hadn't even had time to swallow her headache curing medicine so she could start thinking up a lie! So she just stood there like a messy, hungover deer in the headlights.
"Oh, you're up!" Emily smiled as she kicked off her shoes. "How you feeling this morning?"
Santana just swallowed the water in her mouth. Her eyes had drifted passed her cousin and landed on Rachel coming in behind her. Their eyes met and Rachel looked away quickly which caused Santana to frown. She sighed softly and looked back at her cousin "How was lunch?"
"Amazing. Rachel took me to this kosher deli that is run by a cute couple who said they used the business to help their daughter through college." Emily nodded and moved toward the couch.
"Yeah that's a great place. Their prime rib sandwich is pretty good" Santana offered her a weak smile then her eyes flickered to Rachel who was sitting awkwardly on the couch as far away from Santana as possible. Santana sighed and put a hand to her face. She pinched at her nose lightly and gave her head a shake. "Look, Em, I think I just need a little more sleep. My head is killing me. I'm going to go lay down for a bit then I promise when I get up we will do whatever you want to do."
Emily frowned a little and gave her head a nod "Do you need anything?"
Santana just shook her head and her eyes glanced at Rachel again "No I just need a little quiet until my head stops pounding."
Emily just nodded and gave her a little smile. She watched Santana disappear into her room before looking at Rachel and shrugging a little "I guess she had a rougher night than I thought."
"Yeah" Rachel nodded, glancing back toward Santana's room with a shrug. She looked back to the tv and let out a sigh. She had barely slept a wink last night because of what had happened. Half of her wanted to just march into Santana's room and demand an explanation. The other half of her was too afraid to hear what Santana might say. It was killing her not having the answers. She knew this was going to be awkward until they talked it out but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
Santana let out a heavy sigh and closed her eyes as soon as she laid down on her bed. She couldn't take this. Just the look on Rachel's face was too much. There was no way she was going to be able to lie to Rachel about this. Rachel knew her too well. The moment she opened her mouth she knew Rachel would be able to tell that she was lying. So now they were at an impasse. Santana wouldn't want to talk about it because she couldn't lie through it and apparently Rachel was going to avoid the subject altogether. So what now? A bucket full of awkwardness until they die. Or Santana could just move out in the dead of the night. That might work, too. Better than having to lie for the rest of her life.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
When Santana's eyes opened again it was dark. She sat up quickly and looked around, squinting at her clock to see what time it was. "Shit" She mumbled softly as she slid out of bed. It was after ten. She must have really needed the sleep. At least her headache was gone.
She heard the tv on and she figured Emily must still be waiting for her. She frowned at the thought of disappointing her cousin and quickly rushed out of her room and into the living room. "Em, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to sleep this long. We can still go out tonight if you want."
The form sitting in the dark watching tv lifted the remote and muted the sound before turning around to look at Santana. "She's actually out with Paige."
"Rachel?" Santana mumbled, pausing mid-step about a foot away from the couch. She blinked through the darkness as her eyes focused on her roommate. She bit her lip and took in a shaky breath slowly before shrugging "Uh...what are you doing home?"
"I took a personal day" Rachel said with a shrug. "My understudy was all too happy to take the reigns. I didn't sleep much last night and I've been up all day so by the time it rolled around that I had to be at the theater I knew I just couldn't give my all."
"Oh" Santana nodded slowly and twisted her fingers together with themselves. She stood there awkwardly rocking back and forth on her feet for a few moments before slowly turning around toward the kitchen. "Okay" She said softly and moved toward the fridge. She pulled it open and looked through it, casting a glance toward Rachel every now and then. Great. This was only the most awkward thing she had ever experienced. Usually she would just call it out and address it with some sass and colorful language but this was different. This was Rachel. She had no idea how to deal with it this time.
She was so lost in thought that she didn't hear Rachel come up behind her. "Is the cheese wrestling with the eggs again?"
Santana nearly jumped out of her skin. She whipped around, her eyes wide, a hand to her heart, and shook her head slightly "Holy shit, Berry. You need a bell or something. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
"Sorry" Rachel bit her lip and offered a little smile. "You just seemed very interested in what was going on in the fridge so I thought I'd come take a look."
"Huh?" Santana glanced behind her and when she realized what Rachel meant, she let out a breath of a laugh and shrugged "Sorry. I'm starved. I haven't eaten all day and, you know, deciding what to eat when it's your first meal in nearly twenty-four hours is a huge decision."
"It could ruin your entire day" Rachel said with an over zealous nod. "I see where the pressure is coming from."
"Exactly" Santana pointed and let out a little laugh. She closed the fridge after all of that and let out a sigh. She wiped her hands over the front of her sweats then clapped her hands softly "And it looks like there isn't much to eat here so I guess I should go out and get something." She hurried over toward the door and pushed her feet into her shoes. She looked over her shoulder and gave a smile "Do you want anything while I'm out?"
"Santana" Rachel frowned and folded her arms across her chest.
"Hmm?" Santana reached for her wallet from the bowl near the door where her keys were held.
"What are you doing?"
"Going to get food." Santana said with a shrug.
Rachel let out a sigh and shook her head "I meant why? Why are you so suddenly willing to leave when you usually complain about leaving and just order for delivery? Why haven't you been able to look at me for longer than a split second? Why have you been hiding in your room all day?"
"What?" Santana said with a forced laugh and rolled her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've been hungover all day that's why I slept so long. And now I'm feeling better and I feel like getting some fresh air, hence the leaving." She let out another little nervous laugh and shrugged "Pay attention, Berry." She rolled her eyes and reached for the handle of the door.
"Santana" Rachel said a little more firmly. She took a few steps toward her and shook her head. "Will you just stop, please?"
"Stop what?" Santana rolled her eyes and pulled the door open.
"Stop avoiding me. Stop dancing around the subject. Stop acting like you're walking on eggshells." Rachel let out a frustrated sigh and moved closer to Santana.
Santana froze again. She took a deep breath and slowly lifted her eyes to look at Rachel. The two of them locked eyes for a few long moments before she finally closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh "I don't want to talk about this, Rachel."
"I know" Rachel lifted her hands up in a sign of surrender and gave a shake of her head. "Neither do I to be honest. But look at you" She motioned with a hand toward Santana "You can't even sit still around me. You can't look at me. We've barely said three words to each other all day. I can't live like this, Santana. I can't live every day dancing around each other because of something stupid that happened when you were drunk."
Santana nodded slowly and drew in a deep breath. She pushed the loft door closed and crossed her arms loosely. She gave a shrug with just one shoulder and let out a heavy sigh "All I can say is I'm sorry."
Rachel gave a little nod and offered a sweet smile "It's okay. We all do silly things when we are drunk. I mean, I made out with Blaine, remember? I guess you were just having one of those 'I wanna make out' type drunks. It's not like you meant it."
Santana's heart jumped right into her throat. Rachel didn't think it had meant anything? She thought it was just one of those stupid moments people have when they are drunk. Maybe she wouldn't have to lie after all. She slowly nodded her head and offered an unconvincing smile "Yeah, you're right. I was just being a stupid drunk. I just, you know" She shrugged and let out a laugh "I didn't want you to be uncomfortable because of something stupid like that."
"Sweetie I've known you way too long and lived with you long enough that being uncomfortable around you isn't possible. I've heard you being..." Rachel cleared her throat "...intimate. I've seen you kiss your girlfriends. It doesn't bother me."
Santana fought off a bit of a blush when Rachel stumbled over the word intimate. They really did need real walls. "You know I don't think you are uncomfortable with me being gay. I meant being uncomfortable because I drunkenly kissed you."
Rachel let out a laugh and waved her hands "Not at all! It's not like you secretly harbor feelings for me and that was the truth coming out through a few too many drinks or anything."
Santana froze again. She blinked once, swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, and let out a nervous laugh "Yeah, totally. Now THAT would be weird."
Rachel perked an eyebrow at Santana's reaction. She had not only hesitated but the laugh had not been convincing at all. She bit her bottom lip then let it slowly slip out before she let out a soft breath "Santana?"
"Hmm?" Santana arched her eyebrows and bit her lower lip as well.
Rachel drew in a deep breath then let it out very slowly. She moved closer and reached her hand out to rest it lightly against Santana's arm. She swallowed softly then spoke in barely a whisper "You don't, do you?"
"Don't what?" Santana said quickly, moving past Rachel now and kicking off her shoes now that she wasn't escaping the loft to go get food. They did have plenty to cook, she could find something there.
"Don't" Rachel turned and followed Santana slowly. She waited until she stopped then reached out and put her hand on Santana's shoulder again "You don't harbor secret feelings for me, do you?"
Santana let out a huff and shrugged her shoulder away from Rachel's touch. She shook her head and kept her back toward Rachel as she tugged at her fingers nervously again. Her eyes focused on what her hands were doing and stayed quiet. If she didn't acknowledge the question then she wouldn't have to lie to Rachel, or herself.
"Santana?" Rachel perked an eyebrow and moved closer to her again. She moved around the front of Santana and reached out to stop her hands from fidgeting. She leaned her head down to try and find Santana's eyes and offered a very soft, patient look "You don't have feelings for me, do you?"
Santana drew in a deep breath and rolled her eyes. She gave her head a shake and sighed heavily as her eyes finally lifted to look at Rachel now. She opened her mouth to speak, which was going to be a really elaborate roundabout denial and avoidance of the topic altogether but she didn't have to delve into that at all. At that exact moment the loft door slid open and Emily and Paige appeared, giggling about something.
When they realized Santana and Rachel were standing right there in the kitchen, both of the other girls stopped. Paige arched an eyebrow slowly and Emily just looked between them before giving them a smile "Are we interrupting special roommate time?"
"No" Santana whirled away from Rachel quickly, almost too quickly because she ran into the table. But she bounced off the table and went to the fridge "Just discussing some dinner."
"At like eleven at night?" Paige asked with a soft laugh as she set her keys down near the door.
"Well I just woke up" Santana snarled and ripped the fridge open. She huffed and stood as close to the fridge as she could as if trying to climb into it and disappear.
"Someone went a little too hard last night" Emily mumbled with a little laugh then kicked off her shoes. She looked at Rachel and gave her a smile "Why did you let her get so drunk."
Rachel's eyes lingered on Santana before she looked over at Emily and gave a shrug "You and I both know you don't let Santana do anything. She does whatever she wants."
"Hear, hear" Emily nodded and went over to the couch. She saw the tv on but muted and looked over to Rachel curiously "Oh are you watching something?"
"No, no, go ahead" Rachel motioned with her hands for her to go ahead. She turned and looked at Paige with a smile "So are you staying the night again."
"Can't" Paige shrugged and gave her a little smile "I have a super early practice. I just wanted to make sure she got home safe."
"How sweet" Rachel genuinely smiled and glanced at Santana who was still staring into the fridge. She gave a crooked frown then looked back to Paige "Well she's home safe and I'm glad to see you. We need to have lunch soon. I never got to hear what you thought about the show the other night."
"Totally" Paige said with a nod then moved over to the couch. She smiled down to Emily then leaned down slowly. When Emily leaned up the two of them pressed their lips together in a light, sweet kiss. They both let it linger for a few moments before it broke apart. Paige reached out and slowly slid her hand along Emily's cheek before straightening up "I'll see you tomorrow?"
Emily nodded quickly and chewed at her lower lip before mumbling softly "See you tomorrow."
The two girls stared at each other, Paige walking backwards as she did, until she slipped out of the door and disappeared. Rachel perked an eyebrow and fought off a delighted little giggle as she moved to close the door. She turned and looked at Emily and shook her head with a wide grin on her lips "You two are so cute."
"Stop" Emily blushed and giggled softly. She rolled her eyes and lifted the remote again. "Can we please change the subject? Like are we sure Santana is alive over there? She has been staring into the fridge like she is considering becoming neighbors with the cheese."
Rachel let out a sigh and looked over her shoulder. She shook her head at Santana who now at least held a container in her hands, showing that she was alive still. She shook her head and looked back at Emily with a shrug "She's fine" Rachel moved over to the couch and sat next to Emily with a smile "So what did you and Paige do tonight?"
"Sex, drugs, rock and roll" Emily said without batting an eye as she stared at the tv.
Rachel nodded and drew a breath in through her teeth "I can see the family resemblance between you and Santana more and more each day."
Santana clunked past the couch with some food and disappeared into her room. Emily perked an eyebrow and looked at Rachel curiously "She is really grumpy."
Rachel nodded. She glanced in the direction of Santana's room then to Emily and offered a weak smile "I guess so."Both girls settled into a comfortable silence on the couch. Emily was glad that Rachel was no longer asking her about Paige and Rachel was deep in thought. She didn't know what to do now. Going to talk to Santana didn't seem like it would get them anywhere. But sitting out here not knowing was killing her. She needed to talk about it. She needed to get it all out there. She let out a sigh and lifted her fingers to her mouth. She started to chew her fingernails. She started to bounce her leg. She couldn't sit still. She felt like she was going to explode.
"Did you have too much soda or something?" Emily glanced over at Rachel curiously.
"Huh?" Rachel perked an eyebrow.
Emily motioned at the way Rachel was nervously twitching next to her and smiled "You haven't sat still since you sat down. Is everything okay?"
Rachel nodded and dropped her hand away from her mouth. She let out a sigh and looked at Emily softly. She didn't know her that well and she knew Santana hated her personal life being discussed but it was kind of Rachel's personal life now too, right? Not completely but there was a part of her that was involved so that counted, right? She let out a soft grunt and felt her steeled nerves melt away "I think I know why she's upset."
"Why?" Emily perked up a bit, curious now as to what insight Rachel might have.
Rachel glanced over her shoulder toward Santana's room then looked back to Emily with a sigh. "Last night when she was drunk she kissed me."
"What!" Emily almost yelled the word. She quickly covered her mouth and sunk down into the couch. She shook her head, her eyes wide over her hand, and slowly dropped her hand from her mouth "What?" She whispered now, hoping Santana hadn't heard her first outburst.
Rachel nodded quickly and glanced behind her too. When there was no sign of life from Santana's room she turned and looked back at Emily. The two of them now huddled together and whispered just to be safe "Yeah last night I was trying to help her up from the floor and she is like freakishly strong and ended up actually pulling me down. I was trying to get up and she wouldn't let me up. I was getting frustrated at her then all the sudden she gets this serious look in her eyes and she asks if she can kiss me."
Emily blinked a few times, her face showing true shock. Her head was whirling with this information. "Then she just kissed you?"
"Well not immediately. I started rambling on and on about how she doesn't really want to kiss me and she was drunk and how she shouldn't kiss me because it would be weird and did she even think about how this could affect our friendship and then she kissed me!"
Emily nodded slowly. She honestly had no idea how to take all this information. She thought it over for a few moments then took a deep breath before she spoke "And did you kiss her back?"
"Uh" Rachel shook her head quickly then stopped. She tilted her head to the side and thought about it. She couldn't remember. The only thing that stuck out in her mind was the shock of Santana kissing her. She shrugged after a moment and shook her head "I don't know? I don't think so. Or maybe I did. All I know is I was completely shocked that it happened."
Emily nodded again. She felt like a bobblehead with all the nodding she was doing but she wanted Rachel to know that she was listening. "Well did you ever say no? Maybe that's why she just went ahead and did it."
"Yes" Rachel said firmly. Then she thought it over and shrugged "Maybe I didn't. I mean I remember saying the word no but I also remember explaining what I meant by no as in no you shouldn't kiss me because it would make things weird."
"But you never said the words no do not kiss me, Santana?" Emily perked an eyebrow at that and fought a smirk. So maybe Rachel had something going on deep down that she hadn't realized.
Rachel just shook her head quickly. She hadn't. She had not strung together a definite sentence that told Santana not to kiss her. Was this her fault? And why hadn't she told Santana no?
Emily bit her lip, feeling a bit bad having pried. But she also knew now was the best time to get information out of Rachel. So she drew a deep breath in, reached over to lay her hand on her leg, and gave her a soft smile "Did you like the kiss?"
Rachel blinked quickly and looked at Emily like she had three heads. She let out a muffled laugh and tucked some hair behind her ear before shaking her head "Why would you ask me that? She was drunk and it's not like it had any meaning so what difference does it make if either of us liked it?"
Emily was a bit surprised by the sudden panicked rambling from Rachel. That wasn't what she had expected. She thought she would get a firm answer and now she had no answer and Rachel Berry rambling on in denial. She reached out and took Rachel's hand, giving it a soft squeeze "Woah, hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it. Forget I asked."
Rachel shook her head and gave Emily's hand a squeeze before pulling her hand free. She got up from the couch and took a few steps away. She started to wring her hands together softly and soon she was pacing. She was thinking about the questions. Had she liked it? And why didn't she just tell Santana no? There was no way she wanted this. The kiss had caught her by surprise! It's not like she had been sitting around waiting for Santana to make a move. No she had been completely surprised by the mere notion of Santana kissing her.
"Are-" Emily bit her lip and let out a sigh. "Are you okay?"
Rachel nodded and paused her pacing. She looked up at Emily with a frown and finally shook her head. Her brows creased together and her entire face fell into distress "I have no idea, Emily. I don't know what is going on now! Why didn't I say no? Did I like the kiss? Did I kiss her back? I don't have any of the answers! Most importantly I have no idea where Santana and I stand! I mean I tried to talk to her about it and when I said it didn't even mean anything because it was just her being drunk and stupid she seemed to agree. I mean she kind of hesitated but, I mean, she agreed! And I was happy with that! But now what! Do I actually wish it meant more? Do I tell Santana?"
"Woah" Emily jumped up off the couch and went over to Rachel. She grabbed her shoulders and made a soft shushing sound while glancing at Santana's room. "Okay you have to calm down and be quiet. Santana might hear you and then where will you be? You need to, apparently, figure out what you are thinking and feeling before talking to her!"
Rachel drew in a deep breath and nodded quickly. She closed her eyes and drew in slow, steady breaths until she felt her heart stop racing. She licked at her lips and opened her eyes and offered a soft smile to Emily "You are right. I need to calm down and approach this with a calm head. I need to think this through and let the shock wear off. I am sure that things will be clearer in the morning. A good night sleep and a calm head is what I need."
Emily gave a little nod, smiled softly, and let Rachel go. "Exactly. You just need to step back, let it settle in, and answer those questions that are lingering. Do it when you aren't so suddenly faced with all the information and questions. Give yourself time to think it over. There is no rush to figure it out."
Rachel gave a single nod and took a deep breath "You're right. Maybe I can make a list! Pros and cons? Not really pros and cons, though. It would be more like a question and answer brainstorming list. Yes, that might work."
Emily gave her another smile and folded her arms lightly "Good. Now go take a few breaths, get on some pajamas, and get a good night's sleep."
Rachel nodded and moved toward her bedroom. She hoped she could get a good night of sleep but she was sure it would be another restless night. Her mind would be racing with all of the questions she had to answer now. At least Emily was right about one thing, figuring it out before she talked to Santana was a good idea. The best idea. Hopefully she could figure it out over night because if not it was going to be even more awkward in the morning.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Santana's head was pounding when she woke up the next morning. It was probably a mix of getting too much sleep and the lingering hangover from the day before. She was determined to get up today, pretend nothing was wrong, and go to work like always. She was not going to let this whole stupid thing with Rachel get to her. This needs to just blow over and what better way then to start moving forward from it.
She was mid-yawn when she stepped out of her room and was immediately looking at Rachel coming out of her own room. She paused for just a moment, let her yawn pass, contemplated going back into her room, then put on a smile and shrugged "Morning."
Rachel had paused when she had seen Santana coming out of her room at the same time that she was. Her heart had immediately jumped into her throat and she felt her body go warm. She had barely slept a wink. She had been up all night tossing and turning as she tried to answer the lingering questions Emily had posed the night before and she had no answers. She was not ready to face Santana. So she just froze. That was until Santana just shrugged, greeted her, then headed toward the kitchen.
Rachel blinked, a little confused at the nonchalance of it all. She watched Santana stumble toward the coffee pot and gave her head a bit of a shake. Was she dreaming? That hadn't been awkward at all. How long had she been in her room tossing and turning? Because the way Santana had just acted was a complete turn around from the day before. What had happened to make her change? And now how was Rachel supposed to act?
Santana perked an eyebrow to herself as she made coffee. She could see Rachel standing there out of the corner of her eye, looking a little dazed and confused. She lifted the corner of her lip into a slight smirk at that. Good. Maybe she would spend the day confused and not be able to bug Santana about it all.
"Here" Santana plopped a coffee mug down on the counter toward Rachel then turned toward the bathroom. "I'm going to go shower, the coffee will be ready in a minute." She didn't look back as she walked into the bathroom and closed the door. If she continued to just go about her business as usual, and not awkwardly, this could definitely work.
Rachel just nodded at the words as her eyes landed on the coffee mug. Santana was being very cavalier about all of this all of the sudden. She slowly moved toward the mug and picked it up before looking at the bathroom. She stared at the door as if trying to figure out what Santana was trying to do before shrugging and reaching for the coffee pot "Well I suppose this gives me more time to figure out what is going on with me."
"Who are you talking to?" Emily, who had crashed on the couch, now approached the coffee pot with a yawn.
Rachel whirled around to face her, a hand on her heart, having been given a scare "Jesus, Emily, announce yourself before you sneak up on someone. I thought you were asleep!"
"I was" Emily frowned and shrugged her shoulders as she poured herself a cup. "I woke up when I got a whiff of the coffee, stood up and stretched, heard you talking, and decided to ask who you were talking to. I didn't mean to scare you."
"Well you did" Rachel let out a grumpy sigh and took a sip of her coffee. She stared at Emily for a moment with a scowl before rolling her eyes and softening her expression. "I didn't mean to snap, I apologize. I didn't get much sleep."
"Still thinking about the kiss?" Emily smirked and took a drink from her own cup now.
"No" Rachel huffed and shook her head. She took another drink then rolled her eyes and her demeanor softened again with a sigh "Yes. Mostly all the questions posed to me by you last night. I have no idea what to make of it all."
Emily nodded and offered her a smile "You don't have to rush to any conclusions. Take your time."
"And in the meantime, what? Avoid Santana? Pretend like there's nothing going on? Act like I'm not going through a personal struggle of self-awareness and confusion about where exactly my roommate slash best friend and I stand? Act like my entire world hasn't been flipped on it's head because of some stupid, drunken kiss?"
"Calm down" Emily said softly, reaching a hand out to place on Rachel's shoulder. The girl was breathing heavily and looking a little crazy in the eyes. She shook her head and shrugged her shoulder "I don't know what to do, okay? By the time I realized I was in love with my best friend she was gone. By the time I figure out I was gay, it was too late to tell her. So I figured I would never see her again and I should move on. And I did. And it was just fine." She smiled very softly at that "None of this is easy and being in love with a friend is even worse. The only piece of advice I have is just be honest with yourself."
"I'm not in love with her" Rachel nearly shouted. She then looked at the bathroom and winced. She waited to see if Santana had heard and was going to come out to confront her but it seemed she was still occupied in the warmth of the running shower. She let out a sigh of relief then looked back at Emily "I'm not in love with her. I mean, sure, I love her but in the same way I love Kurt or musicals. It's not a question of being in love with her it's a question of how I feel about the kiss."
Emily just nodded. She was fighting a smile but it wasn't really working because it spread over her lips quickly. She put a hand over Rachel's shoulder, gave it a squeeze, then walked passed her. "Are you too confused to have lunch with me today?"
"What?" Rachel perked an eyebrow at the curious change of subject. She turned and watched Emily walk back toward the couch and sit down. "No. I mean I have to eat anyway. Why?"
Emily just shrugged but the look on her face was much akin to that of Santana's when she was up to something "I just think maybe you should get away from the loft and yourself for a bit and have a nice lunch with me. Food and air always helps me clear my head."
Rachel stared at her curiously for a moment before finally just giving a defeated shrug "Okay, sure. We can do lunch today."
Just then Santana came out of the bathroom, a towel around her body, and one around her head. She moved over to the coffee pot, grabbed a mug, and poured herself some. She looked up at both the girls who were looking at her, smirked, then took a sip from the cup. She let the warm liquid fill her mouth and slowly move down her throat before letting out a satisfied sigh at the taste and feel of it. "Mmm nothing like a hot shower and hot coffee to start your day." She sauntered right passed Rachel in that cocky way she always had before and headed toward her room.
Once she was gone, Rachel, who had followed Santana's path through the loft, slowly turned to look at Emily with a shocked look on her face "Did you see that? Walking around here half naked as if nothing has happened!"
Emily gave a soft giggle and just shook her head "That's what she does."
"Walks around naked?" Rachel huffed.
Emily rolled her eyes at that and shook her head "No. Pretends nothing is wrong and goes on with life as usual. You should know this by now you've known her for years."
"Yeah and half that time she was plotting some sort of ugly attack on me or threatening my solos or stealing my boyfriends..." Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Then there was the time she was my understudy and we fought constantly for months but she never did the whole..." She motioned toward Santana's door "...acting normal thing. No she was evil, pure and simple." She shrugged slightly "We've never had a situation like this."
"Trust me" Emily nodded and set down her cup "She is probably trying to pretend like nothing is wrong so that things go back to normal and you can all act like nothing happened. Don't you remember Brittany?"
"What about Brittany?" Rachel shook her head and moved to the sink to set her cup into it.
Emily smiled softly "Just think about how she acted."
Rachel shook her head and rolled her eyes. That was too cryptic. But apparently she wasn't getting an answer from Emily so she just rolled her eyes and moved toward her bedroom. She huffed a bit as she dug out some clothes so she could go shower and get ready. Brittany? She thought about it for a moment then let out a grunt. That didn't help at all!
It wasn't until halfway through her shower that she got it. She remembered exactly how Santana had acted. She pushed it down, hid her true feelings, and even pretended to date Karofsky. She acted like nothing was wrong until, well, that Rachel didn't know. One day Brittany and Santana were together and Santana stopped pretending. But what's going to happen if Rachel doesn't give Santana that one day? Will she keep pretending everything is okay forever or would it eventually crumble to an irreparable state? Would she lose her best friend? The thought twisted Rachel's stomach. That was the last thing she wanted. She needed to figure herself out quickly and then figure out how to deal with what she figured out. This was going to take a lot of work.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Rachel tapped her fingers against the mug of tea she had ordered to sip on at lunch. She was waiting, patiently, for Emily to show up. She bit the inside of her cheeks lightly and let out a sigh as she tried to keep herself calm. She wondered if tardiness was a genetic trait in that family. It probably was. Santana could never be on time, either.
"Sorry" Emily said with a smile as she slid into her seat across from Rachel. Paige moved to sit in the chair next to Emily and gave Rachel a smile.
"It's okay" Rachel said with a shrug. She looked at both girls and offered a smile before looking at her cup then taking a sip. "So" She said with a shrug once she swallowed "Why was it so important that we had lunch today?"
"Because" Emily grinned and took the menu to look at as she spoke "You need to get out of the loft and clear your head. I think being in the place that is swimming with Santana might be clouding your head a bit. So some fresh air and a surrounding that doesn't remind you of Santana is good for you."
Rachel rolled her eyes and let out a sigh. She just sipped her tea with a shake of her head. She didn't want to think about this anymore even though there was literally no progress in her figuring things out. She was just done with it already.
"Plus" Paige chimed in now and smiled at her friend "Maybe another opinion can help, too."
"I'm assuming you mean yours?" Rachel perked an eyebrow at her friend then let out a laugh. "Perfect. Everyone's an expert on what I should do."
Just then the server came by to get their orders. Once everything was taken down and the server left to fill the order, Paige cleared her throat and spoke again softly "We aren't experts on what you should do. We do, however, have insight. We have been through this entire confusing situation before."
"I'm not gay" Rachel said with a roll of her eyes.
"No one said you were" Emily said with a little shrug. "You are, however, confused."
"About how I feel about this whole my best friend kissing me thing!"
Paige smiled softly and reached out to put a hand over Rachel's lightly "Okay, look, if you didn't kind of like the entire idea of it all then you would know how you felt. There would be no confusion. You would be able to say without hesitation that it was just a drunk kiss that meant nothing. You'd laugh at it even. But the fact that you can't just say that-"
"I can" Rachel said quickly, almost desperately. "It was just a drunk kiss! It didn't mean anything! People get drunk and kiss, right?"
Emily shrugged. Paige nodded. They looked at each other then back to Rachel. Paige took a sip of her water that had been delivered then cleared her throat again "They do, you're right. So it's no big deal. Problem solved."
"But why did she do it?" Rachel huffed out loudly. "And why didn't I stop it?"
"And there we go" Paige said with a laugh. "It is a big deal to you. You're confused about it all and that is okay."
"I'm not confused" Rachel shook her head and looked into her cup. She was quiet a moment before letting out a sigh and looking back up at the girls across from her "I just don't understand a few things about it. Mainly why she did it in the first place and why I didn't stop her."
Emily just gave a nod and glanced at Paige. The girls shared a look then Paige shrugged and took a drink of her water. "I guess the only way to find out is to ask."
"I have" Rachel said with a quick nod. Their food came just then and all girls leaned back to allow for the food to be set down in front of them. Once they were all settled and the server had walked away, Rachel picked up her fork and poked at her salad a few times. "I asked Santana and she avoided it like she does every real issue in her life."
"That's fair" Emily said with a nod. "She is like that and you know that. So with her you are going to have to wait for her to come around in her own time."
Rachel shrugged and rolled her eyes "There goes your theory that all I have to do is ask."
"Where Santana is concerned" Paige nodded as she wiped at her mouth after having taken a bite of her food. "That just leaves you."
"Me?" Rachel perked an eyebrow and wiped at her mouth. "What about me?"
"You have to ask you some questions" Paige said with a nod. "You have to ask yourself why you didn't stop her. Really, truly ask yourself that and truly answer yourself."
"I don't know why I didn't" Rachel said with a shrug as she mindlessly swirled her fork around in her food. She stared at the way the colors mixed together and let out a heavy sigh. Of all the things that had cost her to lose sleep the last couple days, this was the biggest reason. She couldn't answer that question.
"Give it some time" Emily said with a nod, reaching over to pat at Rachel's hand lightly. "Everything else will figure itself out. Just focus on you and trying to answer that question first and foremost."
"Yeah. Don't worry about Santana and all that. Just focus on yourself." Paige took another drink and shrugged her shoulders. "Right now the important thing is you being able to be honest with you. After that everything else won't seem so hard."
Rachel was staring at her food. She didn't want to look up. She didn't want them to see the fear in her eyes. She was afraid to be honest with herself. Why? Because she wasn't sure what the truth was and she wasn't sure she could handle it if she ever figured it out.
"Hey don't worry" Emily said softly, frowning at Rachel's inability to even look at them now. "It's not as scary as you think it is. Honesty, after all, is the only thing in life that isn't fake."
Rachel just nodded and let out a soft sigh. Yeah, sure, honesty is true. It also brought with it a truth that was undeniable and that, well, that could turn your entire world upside down without even thinking twice about it.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
