Chapter 7: A Way With Women
I found them. However, it's no great feat to discover the whereabouts of two particularly raucous girls. They had trailed the old woman like pack hounds into the spacious drawing room a ways along the right wing. Once there, Madame Soileaux must have retired immediately to the sofa upon which she lay when I joined the scene, having dropped her bag which lay half open beside her. What a delicate sleeper! Her head hung back unnaturally, revealing folds of wrinkled flesh where a neck should have been, and nostrils flared out as wide as a horse's with mouth equally agape. Her snoring was atrocious. It certainly didn't sound like a woman. It sounded like a dying animal...or, if one would so graciously prefer, like La Carlotta on one of her good days.
I watched in silence as the girls peeked over the arm she lay back closest to. Unnoticing of my presence, Soisette reached over to the old thing with an impish grin and prodded her in the ample stomach. Madame Soileaux lurched then quoted dutifully in her sleep, "In forming the plan of a campaign, it is requisite to foresee everything the enemy may do, and to be prepared with the necessary means to..." And then went into an indistinguishable din of muttering until she was prodded again and exclaimed with a jump, still in a deep but restless coma of sleep, "...the heart of a statesman must be in his head!"
Soisette and Elyssa exploded with the same horrid laughter. Not only did the woman not awake at the noise, she fell over with a theatrical "thump" like a frightened goat and remained in that rather disturbing, bent-sideways position as if she had been suddenly stabbed in the back. The snoring resumed. Soisette reached over again, this time further to repeat the cycle of entertainment.
"That will be quite enough of that," I encroached.
Soisette only laughed, "But look what happens when you..-"
"Pestering the senile is hardly honorable, child. More importantly, it is loud and I've had enough loud over the past twenty-four hours sufficient to last a lifetime. Stop touching that poor thing...you don't know where it's been," sneered I.
Soisette sent me a pleading look, as if she would be so miserably bored otherwise. The blue satin ribbon hung loosely in her curls, close to undone from fighting. For such a belligerent little soul she was indeed delicate. It wasn't a hard notice at all.
When I had their undivided attention, I lectured as I examined the lethargic caretaker, "As much as I am thrilled to be your personal slave, I do believe it necessary to lay out a few ground rules. Firstly, I'll have no screaming, shouting, shrieking or anything of the sort. Do I make myself clear?"
The children nodded. Madame Soileaux's unconscious limb suddenly fell and hung off the side of the sofa as I passed by. Trust your dear Erik, devoted, it was disgusting.
"Ugh... very well then. I should also like to make it inescapable that there will be no scuffling like savages inside the house. Whatever you break I apparently have to clean up. Therefore you may so kindly tear each other apart out of doors, as long as you stay clear of the shrubberies and what all else. Unless either one of you loses a limb I would rather not be disturbed and furthermore...are you listening to me?!"
They weren't. Both sets of eyes were firmly affixed to the beast that stared us down from the hallway outside. It stood stock still and trembling. The creature's nose twitched like a nervous rabbit's as its beady black eyes gorged themselves on me, flinching when I made a slight move. It cocked its head, seeming to assess the situation, then stretched its dainty neck out into the room. One forefoot followed cautiously, then another. It watched me in the strangest, most captivated sort of way, not in the least bit concerned with the children. How unlucky for it.
"OOOOOOOO!" they squealed, aghast with delight. In a fleeting moment they were on the ground communing with it. Soisette immediate took the animal up, grappling the upper body and front legs in her arms where it hung limp as a rag doll while Elyssa dotingly fondled one of its ears of tightly ringed white curls. Tiny bows of pink accented the base of these ears and a larger one was attached to the end of its rat tail. Its fur was cut in the most ridiculous looking manner. Fluffy balls of hair adorned the feet and two at the very top of the rump as if someone had pasted puffs of cotton there as a cruel joke. It's head and chest were amply fluffed as well as the tip of the tail- the rest was shaved naked.
The beast was unfazed, still staring me down with the same strange spark in its eye even as it was being cuddled indignantly like a stuffed plaything, which was exactly what it looked to be. The girls giggled and talked to it the way zealous old ladies do to infants. It was repulsive.
"Don't pull it's paw so...that's a lovely way to get bitten!" I shouted, ready to pry them off the strange dog for fear I'd be held accountable should anything happen.
The tiny thing barred its teeth as I neared. Its eyes turned savage with a hateful sort of defensive fire. "Nonsense Erik!" Soisette held the animal closer as it stiffened, "She's much to sweet to do such a terrible thing. Look here girl, he didn't mean it! She must belong to Madame Soileaux. Oh I've always wanted a poodle!"
"Put that thing down I say! There will be no dogs in the house!"
"Why not?" cried Elyssa, catching the deranged beast as it lunged for me out of Soisettes grasp.
"Because I said so!" I didn't come a step further. The thing looked as if it would go into convulsions if I made another move. It snarled fiercely across its nasty little snout. This was exactly the kind of thing I needed at the moment...quite like a wooden stake in the head. I repositioned the mask calmly to show off my composure. How silly it is to be frightened of a dog that wouldn't fill half a meat pie.
Soisette grabbed the enraged animal's black velvet collar and struggled to read the attached golden tag.
"Buh-...beej-" she fought to see the engraved lettering against the dog's strains against her sister's hold. "BIJOU!"
The beast stopped its struggle at the sound of its name to lick the child in the face. Soisette laughed. Elyssa giggled. Bijou whipped her ugly tail back and forth happily, pulling her attention off of threatening old me as they continued to coddle her. I was not as amused.
"Can't she stay Erik? We'll take care of her, honest we will! You won't have to clean anything," Soisette pleaded.
"It isn't yours to take care of," I told her firmly. Madame Soileaux's snoring took precedence then and shook the foundation beneath our feet in a sudden burst. There was no doubt in my mind that the barbaric little thing belonged to her. Neither was I convinced that she would be waking at any near point in time. I was already saddled with the two brats and keeping up with that ridiculously expansive estate would be no little jaunt through Tuileries either. A temperamental toy poodle I did not need.
They hugged the dog tighter, laying their pitiful eyes on thick. If they had found a new way to make me miserable they would cling to it for dear life. So are the ways of darling children.
"Look!" I shouted, indicating to the sleeping woman sprawled gracelessly over the drawing room furniture, "I have enough to deal with already without tending this woman's psychotic beast! If either of you paid any attention to anything that's been said there would be no questioning it. It's just more for me do, isn't it?"
"But we'll...-"
"You will do no such thing! At least I know better than that." I was determined not to be swayed. Bijou's incessant barking ceased but I could easily tell how she regarded me. Never in my days had a seen an animal with such pent up anger against someone it did not even know. One could guess her reaction would be out of fear of an ominous looking stranger of course, but this disturbing stare down was bizarre. However, it may not have been all that confounding. This was not the only female I'd ever instilled such feelings in.
The rat's eyes were still glued to my every move. A low growl came up again from the pit of her adorned throat. I had half a mind to growl back. Nothing, neither man nor beast, would out-vicious me. Not with what I've been forced to endure.
I was growing impatient, "Now put that thing out before I throw it out!"
They begged. They cried. They groveled. It was apparent they were skilled in the art of the howling tantrum. But I stood firm before them. I would make on thing oh so very clear to them from the beginning: I am no Raoul DeChagny. I would show no mercy or would be shown no mercy to. Underneath those sweet, innocent mugs lied professional manipulation artists. At this point I resolved to keep this constantly in mind and hardened heart. That was it. À l'enfer avec cette négociation! They would surrender the dog. I would take the reins. I would walk away from this one victorious...
I'm still not sure what possessed me to pick up that dog. The immediate siege of all-sovereign control must have gone to my head because I soon found myself tending a nasty bite wound across the right wrist. Mademoiselle Bijou had outdone herself. It was quite impressive. But somehow, I felt, nothing had come out less intact than my dignity which, not to mention, was in as many shreds as the corner of the dining room rug I would find later on that the dog had taken to at liberty.
"Does it bleed?" asked Soisette with enthusiastic gasp. She skipped into the kitchen, Bijou springing merrily at her heels, with an unwinding ribbon of gauze bandage trailing from the roll in her hands from out of the door and down the corridor.
I cringed, dipping the bite into the pan of chilled water Elyssa had brought me and replied between gritted teeth, "No. No it doesn't."
The two crowded into me at the center of the table at which I stood, struggling to see exactly what such a wound would look like on an unearthly spirit like myself.
"Does it hurt?" softly inquired the younger child, darling Elyssa, taking up my afflicted left arm with its ruffled white sleeve rolled high and pressing her plump, childish face against it tenderly. 'It's in their nature', I recalled. Never used to such affections, this angel resolved himself not to begin to play daddy dearest. As promised.
"Yes," I said with sarcastic spite, trying to remove the little pest from me without result,"Convenient don't you find?"
"But how? Aren't you supposed to be an angel?"
How I did so appreciate the reminder. "It would seem so," I replied. Suddenly, something peculiar nudged the side of one leg. Bijou was sniffing me intently with a faint look that seemed to spell repulsion. Her snout was pinched as if smelling something awful. If I had been in any other "situation" that dog would not have lived long enough to be found in the next chapter. But for fear of a repeat bite, having to clean up the mess dispatching the obnoxious beast would necessitate or otherwise, I only tensed and was still.
Soisette followed Elyssa's lead, delicately taking up my opposite arm and whimpered with pitiful tone, "She's sorry. She really is, see?" Those dinner-plate eyes watered a little as they expertly cast their wantful gaze up at me.
The beggars! Just like women- desperately trying to get a hold of your good side so they may wrap you around their fingers any which way they choose. The female creature may as well have been born with this uncanny skill. And how early they pick it up! They knew what they wanted and precisely how to get it: by being adorable. Unfortunately for them, you can imagine, such endearment had no effect on such a callous soul as mine, therefore I was immune. But I was never immune to everything...
I gave a glance down at the suddenly benign poodle at my feet. Bijou seemed to be playing up the moment to the best of her intellectual advantage. She was no less of a mooch than the other two arm-pieces. The dog gave a dainty sneeze at the most perfect moment. The girls "awww"ed pitifully and plead for my mercy upon the defenseless creature. Bijou faced sleeping outside, tied to something and well out of my hair. But when the tears started to fall I would find exactly what I wasn't immune to.
Soisette's bawling increased in gasping intensity as she spoke, "You-... you're just going to leave her out-... out there to die aren't you?! You don't care about her! You-... you don't care about us either! I bet you'd put us out to die too, w-w-wouldn't you?"
Their sobbing mixed into a flood of tears and flying childish accusations so extravagant that it was hard it believe all of this was over a dog that had been here for less than forty-five minutes. Notwithstanding, they used the last of their ammunition with full force. And it worked.
Enter my weakness: the crying woman.
The battle was as good as lost. Chalk one up for the ankle biters.
I, for one of the few times in my life-... -excusez-moi- ...afterlife, rather, I apologized(one may have called it pleading with finesse). Profusely. Somewhat embarrased, I covered up my apology by putting them in charge of her care and promising crossly that if she caused any more trouble or if they were lax about their duties she would be out of there in a split instant. This went over well- as well as could be imagined- and I was in their favor in no time at all. Oh the pleasantries of being forgiven! Nothing could have made me happier to see them relieved and elated that she could stay, and being thanked to a pulp for it. The girls danced about, enjoying the lively company that was their new companion. I wasn't good enough. Hmph! I was positively hurt. Perhaps, I mused kindly to myself, this would give them something to busy themselves. Perhaps, thought I, nasty little Bijou could save me a helping of trouble for what she was worth. Perhaps I hadn't lost after all.
But I could feel those scraps of dignity being blown out of my reach as well as I could feel the squish of fresh dog dropping between my foot and the floor.
...From Bijou with love. I always had a way with women...
