"Alchemy. It's built up as a big, great science, but really it's just drawing circles and then clapping your hands down onto the circle to create something in the middle, using whatever was already there, even the ground itself. But you can't create something out of nothing. Nor can you create human life, because how exactly does conservation of mass account for souls?"
…
AGAIN
Episode 7: Soylent Green
Ed, Al, and Armstrong went to Risembool. On the way, they met a boring man named Dr. Marcoh. Then they actually went to Risembool and got fixed up. Now Ed and Al must find the truth within the truth within the Central Library. Then they can learn about Philosopher's Stones.
…
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" Ed cursed to the heavens.
"Awww…" moaned Al. The brothers had gone to the library, only to find that it was recently burnt to the ground.
"This is most unfortunate." commented Armstrong.
…
Lust and Gluttony were talking to each other on a tower somewhere.
"I burnt the library. It was hot." said Lust.
"Literally or does everything make you feel like that?" Gluttony asked.
"Yes."
"Can we go to the restaurant now?"
"No, that hunk Greg isn't working the register anymore."
"I didn't think you were that picky."
"… Good point, let's go."
"No wait! I can smell the Ishvalan! I'mma eat him! I'MMA EAT ME SOME ISHVALAN!"
"Gluttony, quit shouting. People will notice us."
…
Scar was walking in the sewers.
"Must kill more alchemists. Must kill more alchemists. Must remember to pick up dry cleaning."
"I SMELL YOU!"
"Huh?" Scar turned around to see Gluttony's eyes glowing in the darkness. "Well… here comes a new challenger."
Scar and Gluttony ran toward each other, and Scar got the first move, deconstructing Gluttony's arm.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"Now that that's settled-"
Lust came from nowhere to stab Scar.
"Oh that felt so right…" commented the female homunculus.
"Everything… going dark…" Scar fainted upon uttering these words. Gluttony and Lust gave each other a high five and proceeded to go on to the restaurant. Why did Gluttony forget to eat scar? Because Gluttony wasn't the brightest of the homunculi, this seems to be an acknowledged fact.
…
"So we haven't seen hide nor hair of Scar since he went after Edward Elric." Hawkeye reported. Mustang was displeased.
"Nuts. I have to catch Scar or else I won't look good in front of the higher ups! Then I'll never make it to Fuhrer! Do you know how great the Fuhrer has it? He has a hot tub! He's so powerful, he can afford anachronism!"
"He hurt his what?" Havoc asked. Before he got any answers, a soldier burst in.
"SIR! WE'VE HEARD OF AN EXPLOSION APPEARING NEAR THE RIVER!"
"Lousy kids, playing with their Xingese firecrackers… Why should I care?"
"… Sir? You don't think maybe it had to do with Scar?" Hawkeye asked.
"… Oh yeah. That. All right guys, let's go."
…
Mustang's team deployed to the riverside. Hawkeye found Scar's bloodied jacket.
"Yep, Scar was here." commented the First Lieutenant.
"All right we'll have to find this Scar guy before he can hurt anyone else. Havoc, I'm gonna slave drive you so that you and your underlings are going to work restlessly until you find him."
"Lame…" commented Havoc. Many civilians gathered around to see what all the commotion was about. Among the crowd were Lust and Gluttony in disguise.
"Lust, I forgot to eat the Ishvalan."
"Well he's under a few tons of rubble now, so Scar and his manly, muscular frame are going to be out of the picture. At least for long enough so that we can continue with Father's plans."
"… What on Earth are you two talkin' about?" asked a common citizen who overheard the homunculi. This caught the both of them off guard.
"Uhhh… We were… practicing for… a play?" Lust lied.
"Dinner theater!" Gluttony added.
"Okay I'll buy that." said the man.
…
Ed was still cursing like a sailor over the loss of the library.
"Major Armstrong, sir!" a voice called out. Armstrong looked over.
"Oh. Second Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh. Greetings!"
Name - Denny Brosh
Specialty - None of any note
Note - His one day off work is very important
"We are to take look after the Elrics, sir!" Ross said.
"We were chosen due to the fact that my hairstyle resembles Edward Elric's hairstyle completely, sir!" Brosh said.
"If you insist. Farewell, Elric Brothers! Until we meet again!"
"Okay." the brothers responded.
…
The two military people and the brothers were riding in a car through the city.
"Well there was this one woman who knew a lot about the library's branch, so she could be of use…" Ross recalled.
"Hot dog, let's go!" said Ed.
"Why are you wearing armor?" Brosh asked Al. The younger brother had a simple excuse.
"Because I'm awesome."
…
The four people made it to a house somewhere in the city. They found themselves in a room full of books. Ross called out for someone.
"Hey! Sheska! Are you here?"
A woman's voice was muffled, as she was buried by a pile of books.
"Uh-oh." Al was the first to notice. Before long, they had dug Sheska out from under the books, essentially saving her life.
Name - Sheska
Specialty - Reading, memorizing books
Note - Loves books
"I love books!" Sheska announced.
"Uh, that's nice. Do you know any books that concern Dr. Marcoh and the Philosopher's Stone?" asked Al.
"Yes, because it was in a book and I love books! Can I tell you my backstory?"
"No, just tell us what we need to know, lady, and Fuzzy won't get hurt." Ed held up a teddy bear with glasses.
"That's not my doll. I don't even have dolls. My only affection goes to books and my mother!"
"Then who's doll did I just pick up?" Ed asked. Brosh walked over to him.
"Um… Excuse me, Ed… Um…"
"Good grief…" Ed returned Brosh's doll to its owner. Al took over the conversation.
"So will you tell us?"
"Okay! Because it was in a book and I love books! Marcoh wrote about the Philosopher's Stone in some notes. The notes were stuffed into one of the books in the library!"
"… D*** it! We're right back where we started!" Ed complained.
"I memorized the notes, because they were in a book, and I love books so much that I can do that. Do you want me to copy the notes?" Sheska asked. Ed and Al were caught completely off guard.
"Uhhh, kinda… maybe… if it isn't a problem…" Ed answered.
"This is a task related to books, which means I'm all for it!
Five Days Later…
"Ta-da!" Sheska presented the copy of the notes to Ed and Al.
"Hallelujah! Thank Lito for bookworms, huh Al?"
"Hey you got His name right, Brother!"
"1,000 Easy Recipes, by Tim Marcoh! I loved that book, you're in for a great read!"
"WHAAAAAAT?" exclaimed Ed, Al, Ross, and Brosh.
"Was it the wrong Tim Marcoh?" Brosh asked.
"I still thought his name was Dr. Mario…" said Ed. "What on earth is Marcoh doing writing a cookbook? He's a doctor! Did he just go through a cooking phase or something?"
…
And now, don't change that channel, we're back from our commercial break! Cooking with Marcoh!
"Hello everyone, welcome back to Cooking with Marcoh. I'm still the host, Tim Marcoh. I hate my life. My assistant will show you how to prepare mousse while I dwell on every mistake I've made in my life." Marcoh announced before walking to the corner and moping.
…
"So… this was all for nothing, Lieutenant?" asked Brosh.
"I'm afraid-" but Ross started to say.
"Not." Ed interrupted. "Wow, I timed that perfectly. Either way, alchemists are very protective of their notes, so they always put them in a secret code. Just crack the code and we're all set!"
"Yay! You're so smart, Brother!"
"Here Sheska, you get… uhh… carry the four… 10,000 cens for your trouble. Have fun." Ed paid Sheska and walked off with the notes with Al, whistling the song, 'Period'.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Ross when she saw all that money.
"SO MUCH MONEY!" Sheska shouted.
…
Ed and Al were sitting in a room somewhere, ready to go over the notes.
"So how are these cookbooks going to help you?" Brosh asked.
"Do you pay attention to anything? Ever?" Ed questioned.
"Sorry, I recently dealt with the trauma of having Fuzzy threatened. Mr. Doll Threaten-er!"
"All right, all right! Anyway it's all a secret code. Crack it, and we find what we want." Ed explained. Brosh nodded.
"Cool beans."
…
FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Sheska
FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST - Maria Ross & Denny Brosh
"This is haaaaaaard!" Ed complained. Hours of research had gone by.
"Brother, we should ask Dr. Marcoh about this. He was willing to take us this far, wasn't he?"
"NO! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SPEAKING THAT WAY AGAIN, AL! WE MUST NEVER RETURN TO HIS HOUSE! EVER!"
"But why?"
"… I, uh… I stole a few books from his Calvin & Hobbescollection so I'd have something to read on the train to Risembool."
"You did what? … Which ones did you get?"
"Well there's this one where Calvin-"
"Hi Ed and Al! I still love books!" Sheska came into the room, interrupting the conversation.
"Sheska? What are you doing here?" Al asked.
"Oh, she wanted to speak to you two." explained Brosh.
"Hey everybody, what's up?" Hughes interrupted the interruption.
"Hey Hughes, this lady needs a job." Ed said. "… Somehow I know that without being told."
"What can she do?" asked Hughes.
"I love books."
"Good enough, you're hired!"
"Hooray!" Sheska cheered.
Hughes dragged Sheska off to get her to her new job. At the time, Ed and Al kept working. Hours had gone by.
"Hmm… I think I've narrowed it down to the last clue."
"That's great, Brother! What is it?"
"It says that the ingredient to create a Philosopher's Stone is… a strange word, must be foreign. You have to have a group of things called… sowels. That's how I'm pronouncing it at least. S-O-U-L, sowel."
"Brother, I think the word you're looking for is 'soul'."
"Like the bottoms of peoples' shoes? Wow. To think, the answer was right under our feet the whole time! Literally!"
"Brother…"
"… Ohhhh… You mean thatkind…" Ed said. Al nodded. Both brothers screamed after letting this horrible revelation sink in.
"-"
Ross and Brosh came into the room to see what was going on.
"You guys okay?" Brosh asked.
"Philosopher's Stones are Soylent Green!" Ed and Al screamed.
"What's Soylent Green?" Brosh asked. Al told him.
"Soylent Green is people!"
"Gaspy face!" Brosh responded.
"Are you sure about that?" asked Ross. Ed and Al nodded.
"Hey don't tell anyone about this, it wouldn't be pretty if lots of people knew." Ed said.
…
"What is this heresy? The Elric Brothers refuse to leave their room? But I had previously invited them to Karaoke Night at the club! And they said they'd come! How rude of them!" Armstrong said as if he were genuinely hurt.
"Sorry, sir." Ross and Brosh spoke at the same time.
"Well anyway, it's no surprise, given what they found out about the Philoso…" Brosh noticed that he said that right in front of Armstrong, getting the Major's attention. "… Oh no."
…
Armstrong barged into the brothers' room, without a shirt for some reason.
"ELRIC BROTHERS! I KNOW WHAT THOSE NOTES SAY!"
"How does he keep finding us, Brother?"
"I don't know, Al!"
"WHAT A TRAGEDY! YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS REVEAL SUCH A HORRIBLE SECRET! SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR AWAY! COME! YOU TWO DESERVE ANOTHER HUG!"
"No, no we don't!" Ed tried to stop him. "Hey wait a second! Al, maybe we're not totally screwed, after all! This is the truth, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"So there's got to be another truth inside of this truth!"
"I thought this was the truth within the truth of the recipes."
"No way Al, that's dumb."
"You should go to the Fifth Laboratory." Armstrong recommended. "It's closed down, clearly there must be purpose for this."
"Okay." Ed and Al agreed, nonchalantly.
"We shall go tomorrow! Now come! I had invited you both to Karaoke Night!" Armstrong told the brothers.
"Awww no way!" Ed complained. "I wanna go now!"
"WE SHALL BE LEAVING TOMORROW FOR THE FIFTH LABORATORY, AND I WILL NOT HEAR OF YOU LEAVING ANY SOONER!"
…
Ed and Al were sneaking through the streets of Central.
"Well he's not hearing of this, so technically it's all good." Ed justified himself to Al.
"Brother, there's a guard! Hi guard!"
"Hi Al!" greeted the guard.
"Al don't talk to strangers. … Hey wait! Why is there a guard in front of an unused building?"
"Well it isa safety hazard to be inside, so-"
"So the police tape should've been good enough. This has suspicion all over it." Ed and Al snuck over to the side of the building.
"Give me a boost, Al. I'm gonna crawl through here. You wait outside."
"Aw man…" complained Al, though he complied. He boosted Ed up to the small hole and the older brother started crawling through.
…
"66, I think we have visitors."
"48, for the last time, I don't care!"
"We'll let you chop the one standing outside."
"Oooh! 48, you know how to strike a bargain! I'm off!"
…
Al was still standing outside the building.
"Bored… bored… bored… Wait… who's there?"
Someone drops from the roof.
"Must CHOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"
"Oh no."
…
USO
Next time, Ed and Al get into a fight with merciless killers.
See you next time, State Alchemist
RIP - Isaac, Cornello, Grand, Tucker, Nina, Alexander
