égoïste
raison #7
Akaashi glanced at Shiori from the side of his eye. He was sure that she had said something she didn't want to say, that's why she tried so hard to cover it up earlier.
After they'd finished dinner, they studied for a while and now they were on their break. It was closing in on 9pm.
"Ah, I'm beat." Konoha leaned back on the chair, his head hanging back. "I can't do anymore."
"Same…" Bokuto's voice was somewhat muffled, as his face was stuffed in the notebook.
Yukie poked Bokuto, "Finish the worksheet before going home."
"I feel like you two are always getting tired around the same time." Shiori directed her comment at the wing spikers, putting down her pen. She had just finished a math problem. "You guys can go home to rest if you want."
"Yeah, okay." Konoha yawned. He started to pack his things.
Bokuto let out a snoring sound before being slapped awake by Yukie, who took her notebook out from under him just in case he drooled on it.
"Uwah?!" Bo snapped awake, staring at the manager.
"Kou, if you're tired, just go home and sleep. You can finish the worksheet later." Shiori reached over to him and gently pet his head, "Okay?" She said sweetly.
Bokuto nodded slowly, his eyes going somewhat droopy. Shiori smiled and continued to pet him; she found his hair so interesting. Bokuto's cheeks became a dusty pink when he found himself liking her touch, pushing his head into her hand as a relaxed smile went onto his face.
Once she realised what she was doing after long, quiet stares from the others, she stopped and helped him with packing his things, a neutral expression on her face to cover her 'oh my Goshiki what did I do'.
"Why did you stop? That felt good." Bo grabbed his bag and sloppily put it around his shoulders, standing up and heading to the door. Konoha did the same, and even Yukie.
Shiori only laughed lightly at his comment, but didn't respond to it. She turned to Akaashi, "Are you going to go too?"
"…not yet, I still have some questions I want to finish." The setter replied. He stood up when Shiori stood up so that they could say bye to the others when they left.
"Have a safe trip home, okay you guys? Don't fall asleep when walking." Shiori looked at Kou when she spoke those last lines. It happened once and he fell on her, so she had to half carry him and half drag him to their destination.
"Mhmm." The ace grinned and lifted his arm, hand in a fist. She fist bumped him. "Goodnight! I'll see you two tomorrow!"
"See ya tomorrow!" Konoha fist bumped her and gave a lazy wave, smiling crookedly.
"Goodnight!" Yukie and Shiori hugged, giving each other grins before she went to bid the vice-captain goodnight.
Akaashi and Shiori waved as they left, seeing them go off.
The female closed the door and went back to the dining table where they were doing their work. "Are they English questions?"
"Yeah."
"I'm surprised you're doing harder work than us in English." Shiori commented, taking a seat at the end of the table.
Akaashi moved his things so that he sat adjacent to her. "That's because I'm in the advanced class. It's kind of compulsory." He didn't mention that he did the more advanced stuff because he had finished the easier ones.
Shiori made a blank face, before patting the boy on the back, "I feel kinda sorry for you, Keiji-kun. You have my newfound respect for having to do tough stuff like this every day."
"It's alright." The setter looked down at his English sheet, then to her. "For the hardest subject, I have the best tutor, so it's alright."
It took Shiori a moment to understand that he was referring to her. When she did get it, her brows shot up and her lips parted in surprise.
"Geez, Keiji! You're going to make me blush!" She laughed, lightly hitting his back.
Weren't you the one who said 'flattery will get you nowhere?' Akaashi questioned to himself.
"Anyway, which ones did you want help with?" She smiled.
He pointed to the questions that he wasn't able to answer. "I'm not sure how to answer them in English."
"Hm…okay." She looked at the sheet and formulated some examples, explaining them to Akaashi in simple terms, trying to make it as easy as possible.
After all, she couldn't let him down now that he said she was the best English tutor.
"You're done!" Shiori patted the boy on the shoulder, "Good job!" She stood up to go get some water for the both of them.
"Thanks as always for your help."
She nearly jumped 5 feet into the air when she heard his voice behind her. She didn't even hear him follow her.
"That's not good for my heart…" She muttered, exhaling stressfully. She filled two mugs with warm water and handed one to her friend.
"Shiori-san," He started.
"You want to ask volleyball related questions, right?" The female raised a brow at him.
He looked mildly surprised but nodded.
"I thought so," She chuckled, "Every time we're in the kitchen I feel like we're always talking about volleyball."
That's true…the second year thought.
"So? What did you want to ask me?" She asked, taking a sip of water.
Seeing the stunned look on the boy's face at her question, she elaborated quickly, "You're always asking me about volleyball related things, and you even went to ask me to help with your team's practice and stuff—well, more like blackmailed but like, you know—and, uh, so, now everyone kinda knows who I am…"
He stared at her for a long moment.
With a big sigh, she said, "I mean to say that you can ask me whatever. Most of the secret's already out anyway. What difference does it make if you ask more?" She rubbed the back of her neck, looking away.
"If you say so."
Shiori looked back at him, "Oh yeah, you do know that blackmailing people isn't the right way to go, right?"
"You wouldn't have agreed if I didn't," He leaned his back on the counter, drinking some water.
Shiori frowned, staring at the water in her cup. She could almost see the steam fog up her vision. "Yeah, I wouldn't have." She added, "But I did have fun. So, I'll give you my thanks."
Akaashi was silent for a moment, staring at his reflection on the steel fridge. He then spoke after a moment, "You're too nice of a person, Shiori-san."
"Huh?" She looked up, wondering if she heard right.
"If I can ask, is middle school the reason you stopped volleyball?" He swirled the water in his mug, turning to her.
She didn't meet his gaze, only staring at the water. "You know, Keiji, you're awfully nosy about situations that involve me and my volleyball." She mused.
"Guh." He made a face, one that resembled the ones where he realises that Bokuto's going into his emo mode.
She laughed lightly at his reaction. "Don't make it sound like I've caught you red handed."
He let out a light sigh.
"Well, I don't mind too much now. It got me kind of freaking out when you first approached me about it, but now I don't mind. People are bound to find out anyway. So, what's better than to hear it from the person themselves?" She closed her eyes for a moment, resting them. After the intermission, she opened them again, flickering her dark eyes to his slate grays. "Considering you watched all my official matches, I'm sure you'd want to know the reason why."
She was low key hinting that he was a fan of hers. That was the conclusion she had drawn when she pieced together what he had told her.
"…I do." He spoke truthfully. "I'm sorry that I'm asking too much."
She smiled, waving her free hand. "It's fine."
She pushed herself off from leaning against the counter, walking slowly to the lounge room. Akaashi followed behind her, watching her turn off the lights in the kitchen and dining room.
She sat down comfortably on a beanbag and crossed her legs while Akaashi sat on the sofa.
"To answer your question, yes, it is middle school that made me stop playing volleyball competitively." Shiori confessed. "I'm sure you saw in the official matches, Akaashi, that the roster was different for the last year, my third year."
Keiji was silent, listening to her words. He recalled back a few years ago, then it came to him. "…you weren't one of the regulars. You were a pinch server." It was then that it reminded him of just earlier, when Bokuto asked her a question, and she replied with 'I wouldn't even be a regular anyway'.
Shiori chuckled, but it sounded forced. "That's right. I was kicked off and became a pinch server." She paused, then shook her head, "I'm not saying that being a pinch server is a bad thing, but rather, it's disheartening when I wasn't part of the regulars anymore. Of course, I was still quite happy to have been in the game."
She glanced at Akaashi. Even with his normal apathetic expression, his eyes showed what he wanted to ask.
"Why, huh…well, I'm sure you've heard that there were rumours of the coach removing me from the starting line-up because I was bad at other plays, right?"
He nodded.
"That's not exactly true. Back then in middle school…the coach didn't remove me at their will. It was actually the team itself."
"Huh?" He held a look of shock.
"I know right? I was shocked too. In the end, it wasn't even the coaches' decision, but the team's. Well, that was only for the very last tournament. The other one I was a regular. But even then, it was a little bit complicated."
She took a pause, "All plays besides serving I'm mediocre in. I can hold my own, but there's nothing spectacular about it. Nothing flashy. But even so, I became the most well-known within Kitagawa Daiichi's girls' team, for serving, even though there were some good players. To put it simply, they kicked me off because they thought I sucked. Their expectation of me was too high, and they simply just threw me away after that."
"Expectation was too high?" Akaashi questioned.
Shiori nodded, a contemplative smile on her lips. "Blocking, spiking, receiving."
It was then that Akaashi understood.
"They expected me to be the best, the forefront, the leader. I wasn't even the captain, but the captain was relying on me. First of all, they jabbed me with comments that would suggest for me to improve something, and I would do my best to. I improved, but it wasn't enough for them.
"They themselves were working hard to keep up, and I did too, because I loved volleyball, and I wanted to go to nationals again. I don't know why they thought that I wasn't working as hard as them, but that was the main reason. They couldn't kick me off fully or else their offensive would weaken, so they knew to keep me on the bench.
"I heard this second hand from one of my friends, but he had overheard some girls saying that it wasn't fair that I was practicing with him and my other friend, since they were from a different team.
"What they didn't know was that to improve, it's better to have a lot more range in what you're receiving to what you're given." Shiori sighed after her long little speech, taking a sip of water.
"In essence their underlying reason was jealousy." She sighed, "Though that may only account for 0.01% of their reasoning, I feel. But there were times that it was really hard to sync up with them. They also got really frustrated at me since my spikes were nothing like my serves."
Akaashi let the reasoning sink in. It seemed like a normal reason, something that wasn't uncommon. But for them to kick her out like that, it was, how would he put it: premature, or immature.
He remembered, apart from her serving, Shiori really was just normal at all the other basic plays. He was quite confused as to why she couldn't do spikes like her serves. She didn't even jump as high, either.
So that was the result of not synching up with her team? Akaashi thought with a poised look.
"You're probably thinking now: 'so that was the result of not synching up with the team', right?" Shiori laughed when she saw Akaashi's expression change, just slightly, that confirmed her suspicions.
She took another gulp of water and placed the mug down onto the glass coffee table, "I know what you're thinking. They thought the same as well, especially since we had goals to end up back in nationals.
"As much as I'd like for my spikes and the jumps to be similar to the jump and hit when I serve, it's a little harder when I'm not the one handling the ball. I know it's a strange thing to say and hear, but that's the hard truth to it. There was only one setter that was able to sync up to me, and that was the senpai in the year level above at that time. But after, when she graduated, the then current one wasn't able to. We did practice lots though, but it was always hit and miss. It's not easy to sync up with people. You of all people should know that, Akaashi." She leaned back on the beanbag and looked up at the ceiling.
"Well, anyway, that should be most of it." She lifted herself back up only to see his concentrated face, like he was thinking hard about something.
"Hm? What are you thinking about now?" Shiori tilted her head slightly.
"So you don't want to be on a team because of that?" Akaashi questioned.
Shiori didn't respond for a moment, thinking of what to say.
In essence, almost being shunned from the team due to the gap of expectation and reality was pretty hard on her at that time. It did put her off from being on a team for a while, but she kept at it with different formations of teams at the sports centre after moving from Miyagi to Tokyo.
"It's not that I don't want to be on a team, Keiji." She tapped her fingers against her thigh. "But rather, I'm not sure if I would fit into a team."
"How so?"
"If you saw any more of those games I played in the sports centre, you would see that it's kind of hard to be my teammate right now."
The setter leaned on her legs, "Right now, as in how you're unable to find that exhilaration that you once had? That has nothing to do with being a good or bad teammate."
Upon hearing his words, Shiori was reminded of when she had spoken to herself when he first asked her about volleyball in the kitchen.
She cracked a strained smirk, "So you heard that." She stated. "Surprised you figured out what I meant and said."
"I searched it up."
"…yeah, okay, okay, but like, you got me there. I did say something along the lines of that." She leaned back again. Her voice softened, "Keiji, do you know that feel? Have you ever felt it before…that feeling when you do something successfully, be it a block, a spike or a serve, and you score a point, and you're so ecstatic that you cheer along with your teammates?"
He didn't reply, but he did know that he cheered with the team when they scored a point, or if he scored one. They were good moments. He did get what she was getting at.
"I'm trying to find it again." She reached her hand up to the ceiling, like she was going to grasp something, but couldn't grab it. She flexed her fingers and then pulled her hand back towards herself, letting it flop to the side.
"I can't seem to find it though." She sat up on the beanbag. "That's why I wanted you to delete the videos. If you had posted them, people would hound me to play volleyball for their entertainment. I can't do that yet if I can't find that thrill in it."
"Even when you're practicing on a daily basis?" Akaashi questioned. He now got the reason as to why she didn't want him to post the videos. It was a simple reason, really, and may not seem like much to the average person, but it made sense if it was someone who had gone through what Shiori did.
"…should I call the police on you?" Shiori deadpanned. She then chuckled at Akaashi's exasperated expression, "I'm kidding! But I swear you know so much about me that it's kind of…I don't know if I should call it endearing or stalker like." She then grinned, "Well, whatever. You're a friend so it makes sense that you know stuff about me. But yeah, I do practice on a daily basis. I'm going to have a guess and say that you're just guessing, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I am. I don't think you'd give up volleyball completely. After I saw you in that game it made sense that you've been practicing a lot." The setter smiled small, "It's good that you didn't give up volleyball."
Shiori had gone silent, staring at the second year with wide eyes, processing his words and smile. She was never going to get used to him smiling. Like, ever. Maybe it was because his expressions were always so limited, so it made his smile stand out so much more.
"You should smile more." She blurted out. It was silent when Akaashi's smile dropped and was replaced with a parting of the lips at her sudden remark.
"Uh…forget I said anything," She nervously laughed and stood up, taking her mug and Akaashi's now empty mug, bringing it back to the kitchen.
She came back after a moment, composed, "As I was saying before, I want to find that special feeling I get when I play volleyball. Like, don't get me wrong, I love volleyball, but before I can safely say that I will play competitively again on a national stage, hopefully, I want to get that feeling back. It will make winning all the more enjoyable."
Keiji watched how her eyes twinkled. He realised it was a goal that she herself had wanted, and wouldn't stop until she got it. That's why, behind the scenes, she was trying.
He went through what he was thinking before. He had a little plan in mind, but he didn't know if she would allow him to go through with it.
"I know, it's selfish of me, isn't it?" Her voice made him snap out of his thoughts.
His eyes widened a little bit, finding that she was referring to herself. He wanted to say that it technically wasn't, but he stopped himself, knowing that he was doing the exact same thing.
If anything, I'm the selfish one here.
