Disclaimer: I own nothing. The amazing show belongs to the amazing Frank Darabont.
Thank You to all my wonderful and awesome reviewers: Ryan1441, sweetkiwi604, and mrskaz453! You all are the best!
Thank You to the 55 favorites and 79 followers
Chapter Seven: Facing Fears
My shoulder was aching from the kickback of the gun, but I ignored it as I trailed behind Rick and Carl, stabbing the fallen walkers in the head, very few of them actually needed stabbing. Merle had joined us not too long ago, telling us what had happened in the cell block, at least Glenn and Lizzie were still alive. I was surprisingly numb about the ones we had lost, among them the sweet Dr. S who was one of the many who had helped me when I was huge and winey. Now he, along with several other people I had come to love were gone, yet I didn't feel like crying. I felt the beginnings of another headache flaring up behind my eyes. I had a sick feeling I needed glasses, given my headaches and blurry far away vision. My vision had been blurry before the walkers, I was not surprised that it was coming to this. Maybe on the next run I could grab a handful of glasses and see if any of them helped. Maybe Patrick's glasses were still laying around somewhere.
Our fence line was decreasing in length as the days past. The first section that fell was only standing on a prayer, it wouldn't take much to bring it down again. This new section would be down until the morning, and these bodies would lay here until then too. It was too dangerous to do anything with them tonight. In the morning we would clean up and move on. Just go day to day, fixing what needed fixing and doing what needed doing. We had been living a relatively normal life until a few days ago. I guess when it rains it pours and the universe decided we were having to easy of a time in the apocalypse. If only Daryl and the group would get back. I needed him.
"Why don't you go check on Shayla. We can take care of this." Rick says walking up to me and taking my metal stick from my. "She wants to see her mommy." I think about protesting, but I know if I don't go I'll have to deal with Rick and Merle, so I nod and walk towards the administration building. My rotate my shoulder several times and dump some water on my hands as I walk past the pavilion area. My shoes were covered in blood, but I was pretty clean, just really sweaty. I didn't want walker blood on Shayla. I didn't want her around it period.
I hear crying as I enter the building, and I can tell by the pitch it's not Judith. The closer I get to the wardens office I can hear Evelyn trying to sooth Shayla, but not having a lot of luck. A look of pure relief crosses her face when I walk through the door. "Oh thank god. She won't stop crying." Evelyn quickly walks over to me and holds Shayla out to me. A feeling of dread crosses my mind. I was tired and shaky, what if I dropped her for real this time? "She wants her mom." Evelyn says forcefully. I have no choice but to take her.
Her weight settles warmly in my arms and her cries lessen. Evelyn quickly leaves the room, probably in search of some quiet and sleep. But I stand still in the middle of the room and look at my crying daughter. My legs are tired, I carefully and slowly walk over to the chair and sit down, I tighten my arms until I get comfortable. She's still crying. I do what Hershel and Dr. S. told me to do to check if she was hungry and she didn't seem to be. Her diaper was clean. She wasn't feverish. I felt myself panic, what did she need? Why was she still crying?
I try to stay calm, but my mind was racing. Was I really so bad of a mother that, not only did I almost drop her, but I couldn't stop her crying? "Please tell me what you want?" I whisper to Shayla, she was still crying, but the longer we sat here it seemed to be slowly stopping. "Do you like it when I talk to you?" Her little eyes open, her face is red and blotchy, her mouth still in an angry O shape. "I don't know what to do Shayla. I'm not very good at this." There was a stinging behind my eyes. "I'm your mom. I'm supposed to know what to do. I'm supposed to be able to make you happy and keep you safe. But I guess I can't. I'm sorry I can't do better. I'm sorry I'm not the mom you deserve, and that I can't give you the life you deserve. I'm so sorry."
Daryl's PoV
I felt immense relief when the prison came into view. Michonne stepped a little harder on the gas and I sat up straighter in my seat. The car ride had mellowed my temper towards Bob, and the fact that we were so close to home and he could redeem himself helped too. We were close to home; I was close to seeing my daughter again. I could finally hold her again.
Carl opens the big doors and Rick opens the second gate. My heart speeds up when I see the mess of the prison. Michonne doesn't even get the car stopped before Tyreese is out of the van and asking about his sister. Rick doesn't have any answers, not surprised considering how he looked and the pile of walkers behind him. Tyreese and Bob take off with the meds; Michonne goes down where Carl is coming back up the hill, I go over to Rick and Merle. "Is Shayla and Kelly okay?"
"I just sent Kelly back to the admin building. She's been out here almost all afternoon and night." Rick says. He looks exhausted, even now, after all this time, he doesn't look like the man I tossed a bunch of squirrels at.
"She's not supposed to be near anybody, Hershel has her restricted."
"Hershel's a bit preoccupied. He went in with the sick to help."
"I'll help here then I'll go see-."
"We need to have a quick word." Merle says to me, he glances at Rick. "You fine?" when Rick nods my brother walks towards the pavilion, motioning me to follow him.
"Are you sure this cant wait? Rick looks dead on his feet."
"It's about your woman."
"What about her?"
"She's about two holes short of her raft sinking into the ocean that's what."
"What?" I'm confused.
"She hasn't been right all day. She came down pretty early this morning, and she only checked on Shayla once, she didn't even go see her when Carl said she was crying. And when we were killing walkers at the fence she was way out of hand. Just stabbing over and over."
"She probably had cabin fever-."
"No, its more than that. Daryl, she didn't go check on her own child when she was crying. You need to go check on her now." Merle wasn't one for false concern, and I could see it in his eyes. If Kelly's behavior was so out there that Merle was calling attention to it, I knew I should check her.
"Tell Rick I'll be back."
"If you need me holler. She's having a rough time."
As I made my way to the admin building I was thinking about all the things that could be wrong. Kelly had had misgiving about the baby since the start of the pregnancy, and Hershel and Dr. S had warned me early on that given Kelly's tendency to react badly to major issues that the baby might mess with her emotions, and with the added nightmares she had been having they said it was an even bigger possibility. But they didn't say it was going to result in possible neglect. I angrily push that thought aside. Kelly was a good person, there was no way she would hurt our child, no matter her mental state.
There was crying in the hallway, it wasn't loud, but it was still there. I pass where Beth and ass-kicker were and it was silent inside, so the crying was from Shayla. I get to the door and I hear Kelly's voice over Shayla's crying. What I hear her say makes me both angry and sad. Why was she doubting herself? Shayla had been on this Earth three days and Kelly was freaking out about being a bad mother? It made no sense. Her last sentence about Kelly not being the mother our baby deserved had me inside the office.
Kelly's head turns and her eyes grow big. "Daryl, oh my god, Daryl." Then she's on her feet, Shayla tight in her arms, then she's flush against me. I wrap my arms around her, she's shaking and crying. Shayla's cries start to pick up as she feels her mother's distress.
"Shh, Kelly it's okay. I'm here." I say, not knowing what else to say. It has been a long time since I've seen her this upset.
"Okay." she says back, her voice muffled by my shirt and Shayla's cries. I hate to pull back, but I want to see my daughter. Kelly reluctantly pulls back, but almost gladly hands Shayla to me.
It feels like a lifetime since I've seen her, my eyes seek out any changes I might had missed, even though I know its only been two days and that she hasn't. She stops crying gradually. The longer I hold her the quieter she became, her face is beat red, but I smile when she lets out a huge yawn, her mouth growing to the size of her face. "Guess all the boo-hooing made you tired huh?"
"At least you got her to stop crying." Kelly says, she tucks her arms into her shirt and sits down in the chair. "She missed her daddy."
"Daddy missed her too." I look down at Shayla, her eyes are opening and closing. I look up at Kelly. "And he missed you. are you okay?" she looks tired, I cant remember a recent time that she hasn't. Ever since the CDC she has always had a tired look about her. but I guess that happened if you were constantly worrying about everyone else.
"I'm just tired, it's been a busy day." She stands up from the chair, "I'm gonna take a shower and change, you enjoy your daughter." She presses a kiss to Shayla's head and my cheek before she walks out the door.
I sigh as the door closes behind her. I was tired too. Maybe I should just leave her alone and see how she was tomorrow. Maybe a talk with Hershel or Dr. S. was needed. A little wiggle in my arms draws my attention back to reality. As out of it as Kelly seemed to be, she did give me some good advice. I had lost some time with my daughter, and while she would never know, I knew. I needed to make up for the two days I missed. So I lay down on the mattress that was still on the floor. I roll on my side and lay Shayla down next to me. I just stare at her, mesmerized by her. How could Kelly question herself with our daughter? Shayla was perfect.
Kelly's PoV
When I got back to the office Daryl and Shayla were sound asleep on the mattress. There wasn't room for me next to them, but I was okay with that. I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. I had gotten a lot with the help of the pain meds, but I wasn't on them now, and I didn't want to miss watching them anyway. I sat down on the chair and was hit with something that felt like jealously. Daryl was able to get Shayla to sleep in less than five minutes, Daryl held her without hesitation, his face seemed to glow whenever he looked at her. and here I was, terrified I was going to hurt her.
I knew I wasn't the first parent to almost drop their baby, so why had that freaked me out so much? Maybe it was because I was supposed to keep her safe from walkers and I couldn't even hold her in a chair? Or guilt over trying not to get to attached while I was pregnant? Maybe it was feeling useless or like a burden? Hell, maybe a magical wizard messed with my brain while slept for all I knew. I didn't know why I felt fear around my own child. I loved her, there was no doubt about that, but I was afraid at the same time. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
The sound of little cries jerked me out of my unexpected slumber, Shayla was hungry. She had woken Daryl up too. He sat up and pulled her into his arms and motioned for me to get by him. the mattress was pushed against the wall so Daryl sat up, his back against the grimy wall. I sprawled beside him, my back again his chest, and he handed me Shayla who was very enthusiastic about her meal. "I guess formula is nothing compared to the real thing."
"Formula?"
"She had to eat something while I was dealing with the walkers."
"Why were you out there anyway? Hershel told you not to exert yourself."
"I'm fine. No damage done, besides, Hershel was busy and Maggie and Merle needed help."
"Your brother was there."
"Not this morning he wasn't. He and Carol went on a run."
"Why?"
I looked down at Shayla, she was still eating, I brushed my fingers across her bald little head. I wasn't too worried with her right now, maybe if I stayed glued to Daryl's side for the next eighteen years I would make a decent mother. "She killed Karen and David." I say looking up at him. his expression doesn't change, his eyes just widen a little. "Rick didn't tell me details, just that he she killed them and he left her out there. With a car and supplies of course." I laugh, "No matter how crazy people get Rick always gives them a chance."
"Just like how you need to give yourself a chance."
"What?" I ask, confused.
"Merle told me about what you've done today, and I heard what you told Shayla before I came in. Why do you think you're a bad mother?"
I told him everything that had happened since he left, I was worried that he was going to laugh at me or be mad, but I should have known better by now. Daryl just held me closer and told me that he believed I could do it, that I would make a good mother. He told me what Hershel had told him about me. and it looked like his prediction was true. I was a mess. "I just cant seem to do anything right Daryl." I say looking at Shayla who was once again asleep, her tummy full and her diaper dry.
"Maybe it's more of a fear that you're going to loose her still."
"What do you mean?"
"When you were pregnant, you refused to do all that tummy talk junk you were supposed to do because you were afraid that she wouldn't make it. And now that she's here that fear hasn't gone away. if anything it's gotten worse. Because she is here, and there is a chance we could loose her."
"But even before walkers there was a chance of loosing a child. Why weren't women running around afraid of their children then?"
"I cant answer that, this is my first one. Maybe talk to Hershel? He had two, maybe he can give you some advice."
He sighs when I look down at Shayla, I was so unsure of everything. "Look, all I can do is be here for you. and I will be. Me and you, we just have to do all we can to keep her safe, and I know we will. Even if we have to kill a thousand walkers and keep people away from her. we will keep her safe."
"Did Merle talk to you about Carter?" I ask after we get Shayla tucked into her mailbox.
"What, dumbass complain that I punched him?" I wanted to ask Daryl why he did that, but what I had to tell him was more pressing than my curiosity.
"He's dead Daryl. He turned."
"But you cut off his leg?" he asks, stiffening up.
"He got the flu. Merle and I went in to get me some aspirin and he attacked us. Merle did it." I sit up after Daryl sits in silence for several minutes, he was still, but his mind was whirling, I could see it in his eyes. He was trying to process how to feel.
"Is he buried?"
"Not yet."
"I'll do it tomorrow."
"Daryl, I don't think you need to see him."
"Why?"
"I just don't think you should. Please trust me. he doesn't look the same."
"We'll see." He rolls away from me and looks into Shayla's box. He stayed like that for a long time. I wish I knew how to help him.
I glanced down at Shayla who was laying awake in the body wrap sling as Daryl and I walked outside. We were all moving back into block C and I couldn't wait to be back. Beth, Judith, and all the kids had already left the administration building. Daryl and Merle had moved what little of my stuff was in the office to our cell. I couldn't wait for things to get back to normal. Daryl and I had talked a long time last night about my fears, he convinced me to talk to Hershel about them, and it sounded like a good idea.
I wasn't at the pavilion two seconds before Merle came over and quickly took Shayla from the sling and ran off with her. I rolled my eyes and started digging around for something to make for breakfast. Michonne, Maggie, and Merle had been carrying out bodies all morning. It looked like there was only a few trips left. Rick and Carl were down by the crops. All the people in A had the medicine and the ones that hadn't actually gotten sick were out and about. I was so happy to see Lizzie and Mika running around together again. Maybe the hard time was a reminder of how lucky we were, of how safe we were.
I settled on making pancakes again, I loved them. And it seemed like a good way to start the first day after the sickness. But I soon passed the job over to Katy before I ventured over to where Michonne and Daryl were loading more walkers onto the trailer. "Hey, need a hand?"
"We got it, where's Shayla?" Daryl asks, tossing a runaway arm on the pile.
"Your brother. Ran off in that direction." I point towards where the pig pen once stood. "This is what we get for keeping them apart for so long." I grab a leg and Michonne gets the other one and we pull the last body on the truck.
"You wanna come with me to burn them?" Michonne asks, brushing her hands together.
"I don't know-." I look at Daryl.
"Go on, give ya something to do while Merle is corrupting our baby."
"Don't let that man spend too much time with her." Hershel says, making his over to where we were all standing. "He'll make her first word be a curse word."
"Kelly and I are heading out, wanna come with us?" Michonne says from behind the wheel.
"I never said I was coming."
"Well make up your mind." Michonne says as Hershel climbs in beside her.
"Go on. The sooner you go the sooner you'll get back and we can eat." Daryl says, tossing his crossbow over his back.
"Okay. What are you gonna do?" I give in.
"We're gonna dig some more."
"If she gets hungry-."
"I know, go." Daryl says giving me a small shove. I roll my eyes and blow him a kiss. I squeeze in between Hershel and Michonne. I wave bye to Rick and Carl as we drive out the gates.
I'm hot and out of breath when we get all the bodies off the trailer and into another pile to burn. Michonne and Hershel get the gas cans while I drive the tuck up and away from where we're going to start the fire. We were going to be here for a bit, we couldn't just light a big fire and drive away, the last thing we needed was a forest fire heading towards the prison. I drive until Hershel motions for me to stop, indicating I was far enough away. I turn the truck off and step out.
I lean against the back of the truck and watch them set the bodies on fire. "We need some marshmallows!" I yell towards them.
"Only if you have chocolate and a cleaner fire." Michonne says as she walks up towards me. "I think there are some stale M&M's in the glove-compartment. I love those things." She walks past me, and I look back towards Hershel.
"Kelly!" and a sharp thud is the only warning I get before Michonne's body colludes with mine, knocking me to the ground. I scream when I see Brian standing above us, his gun pointed at Hershel.
"Shut up." He says, his voice level and smooth. My heart is pounding and fear is gripping my muscles tight. Michonne groans and sits up, she stills when Brian's gun enters her field of vision. My hand snakes to my knife at my side, he's not watching me. he doesn't consider me a threat. I grip the handle tight in my hand as he orders us to stand up. I roll over on my knees and as I move to stand up I lunge at him, my knife raised, but I don't get anywhere close. He easily catches my arm and shoves me back down to the ground. He angrily pulls my knife from my hand. "Good to see you too Kelly."
Next Chapter: The long awaited confrontation between Kelly and The Governor!
Daryl faces Carter's death, and the fall of the prison : (
Hope everyone enjoyed this short chapter, the next one is gonna be a long one.
Walking Dead finally returns Sunday! Cannot wait!
Pretty Pretty Please Review! They keep me motivated!
