Circumstances

"Here." Rick said, roughly nudging her bare arm with an open can of tuna fish.

The small tin was cool against her sweaty skin, but she felt no relief. She didn't feel much these days besides swollen and uncomfortable and sad- so very, very sad. She took the can, purposely over-grabbing it to let her fingers brush against her husband's in the exchange. At that slight touch, his hand dropped away like she'd burned him. He looked down at the prison's concrete floor, shook his head to himself and walked away.

She didn't know why she expected anything different. She thought, putting the uneaten can down on a nearby table, her appetite suddenly vanished. Rick hated her. She didn't blame him. How could she when she hated herself?

She was so engrossed in her thoughts, she didn't hear Carol until she was right beside her. "Give him time." She said gently, putting her hand on Lori's

shoulder and giving it a squeeze. Lori placed her own hand on top of her friend's and patted it, grateful for the simple comfort.

She didn't respond. What could she say? Time? Time for what? Time wouldn't change what she'd done. Time wouldn't erase all the lies and pain she'd caused.

Time couldn't force her husband and son to love her again. It couldn't make this baby she carried anything more than a living, breathing reminder of her betrayal to Rick. And worst of all, it wouldn't bring back Shane.

Carol watched her with knowing eyes. "You blame yourself. You shouldn't. Circumstances..." She began.

Lori laughed unexpectedly, and Carol shot her a worried look. "Circumstances?" She parroted the older woman's ironic choice of word.

If Carol only knew.

Circumstances...that had been her excuse. It was the razor-sharp lie that she used to stab Shane in the heart. The lie that she had never loved him. That she had only been with him because of circumstances. It was part of what eventually drove him mad, made him dangerous, forcing Rick and Carl to murder the man they both loved.

She had to make the hard choice, right? She had to try and fix the mistakes she'd made. She never meant to fall in love with two men. It was just...circumstances.

It had hurt so much, rejecting Shane. It felt like killing part of herself, but she did it anyway, because she thought it was the right thing. It wasn't. And in the end, none of her efforts had mattered.

She rubbed absently at her swollen belly, and felt the baby kick hard. "Ouch" she murmured. Carol put her hand over the spot and grinned broadly when the baby kicked again for her benefit.

Carol looked up at her and her smile faded to a concerned frown. "You look like hell, Lori." She admitted, taking in the bags under her eyes, and her near

skeletal frame.

"Gee, thanks." Lori deadpanned. "And you're going to be my labor nurse? Your bedside manner needs work."

"I'm serious. When's the last time you ate...slept?" Carol asked.

"None of us are exactly doing well with either of those things." Lori answered.

"None of us are nine months pregnant." Carol pointed out.

"Eight months." Lori said automatically, and Carol raised her eyebrows at her.

"Jesus, the lies just never stop, do they?" Lori said incredulously, sitting down on a nearby chair. "I amaze even myself with my delusions. You were with us at the quarry camp. You know who's baby this is..."

"Stop it, Lori! Stop beating yourself up like this. It's not good for you, or the baby." Carol admonished.

Lori looked down at her huge belly and wrapped her arms protectively around the bulk. "I love this baby, Carol." She said, tears beginning to roll down her gaunt cheeks.

"Of course you do, honey!" Carol soothed, pulling up a chair next to her friend.

"It's all I have left of him now. Shane's dead and it's all my fault." Lori said, her tears running freely now.

"Shh, stop it. You shouldn't talk this way. You're not a monster." Carol reasoned.

Lori started to sob at her friend's understanding words. Carol let her cry. She sat beside the weeping woman, rubbing gentle circles on her back. After a few moments she quieted, and with swollen, red-rimmed eyes, looked at her patient friend.

"This baby's Shane's." Lori admitted.

Carol smiled softly. "I know."

"I know you do, but I needed to say it, just the same. I've never told anyone, not even Shane." She let out a few shaky breaths.

"He knew." Carol said wisely.

"He did, but I still wish I had told him, you know? I wish I had said the words out loud to him." Lori admitted.

"I know that too." Carol said. "He was a good man, and you loved him."

"But I love Rick too. I never stopped, even when things were awful. Before the turn, we wanted to divorce, did you know that? Then, he was shot, Shane stepped in..." Lori remembered. "We thought Rick was gone forever. Both of us mourned him, both of us loved him. We comforted each other. Then it somehow

changed...became more."

"You loved him. It's ok to say it." Carol said.

"I did. I loved him. I loved Shane. Then Rick was alive. It was a miracle. Shane was so happy." She smiled.

"Of course he was. Rick was his best friend." Carol said.

"Yeah." Lori smiled. "You should of seen the two of them before the world went to hell, strutting around in their police uniforms, looking so high and mighty. The second they were out of the public eye they were back to cracking fart jokes and acting like ten-year-olds."

"I'm sure." Carol laughed. "I can picture it."

"Rick is my husband, Carol. Carl's father. When he came back to us there was really never any choice. You understand?" Lori pleaded.

"I do. People were going to get hurt." Carol said wisely.

"Yes. Shane..." Lori started.

"And you." Carol interrupted.

"Yes, but you see. I still loved my husband. Despite all that had happened before, I had never stopped loving him. I had my husband and son back, and Shane got pushed aside." Lori explained.

"What else could you have done?" Carol asked.

"I don't know!" Lori cried. "Something! Anything other than this!"

"Lori, there was nothing you could do." Carol told her.

"But Shane, I shouldn't of let him..." Lori mused.

"Your thought your husband was dead. You mourned with his best friend. A good man who loved Rick, and who loved Carl, and who, like you was grieving terribly. You did the best you could, Lori." Carol said.

Lori shook her head and swiped at her messy tears.

"Listen to me." Carol said grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to make eye contact with her, to see the truth in her words. "Did you believe your husband

was dead?"

"Yes!" Lori said

"Did Shane believe Rick would have survived outside of the hospital? Did he think he had any chance in that state?" Carol asked.

"No." She shook her head. "Shane would never have left him if he did. He told me later that he thought Rick had died before he even left the hospital grounds. The respirator was off and his pulse was so faint..."

"Exactly. Shane made the choice he knew Rick would want him to make. He couldn't save him, so he saved his family." Carol reasoned.

"And then I made a mess of things..." Lori pointed out.

"There was nothing you could do. The wheels were already set in motion. They both loved you, both wanted you. You had to make a choice, even though there was

no right choice to be made. Everyone had a part in this mess. It's not all on you." Carol explained.

Lori looked at her friend, thinking about all she had just said. Carol's reasoning had helped her sort out some of the pain cluttering her soul. She

would never forgive herself for the terrible mistakes she made, but she was grateful for her friendship and her understanding. "Thank you Carol."

She knew she didn't have long to live. She always knew that this pregnancy was a death sentence for her. There was no doubt in her mind that she wasn't going to survive this birth. Not under these primitive situations. Not with her health history. Carl's birth had been difficult with many complications. She had lost a lot of blood. She needed transfusions and medications, and that was in a hospital under ideal conditions. She just hope she lived long enough to safely deliver the baby and maybe hold it in her arms, just one time?

"Promise me something?" Lori asked her.

"If I can." Carol responded.

"If something should happen during the delivery, I want it clear that the baby's life is the priority." Lori said.

"Lori..." Carol interrupted.

"I mean it Carol. Promise me, promise me that if something should go wrong, you won't hesitate, you'll save my baby?" Lori begged.

Carol looked at her friend. She understood the strength of a mother's love. She wouldn't deny her this piece of mind. "I promise."

Lori smiled at her. "Ok. Now that's settled." She said slowly going from a sitting to a standing position, her hand supporting her aching lower-back. "Let's head out into the yard, get some fresh air?"

"Let's go." Carol agreed. She grabbed the tuna can to give to Lori later, put her arm around her friend's shoulder then the two women headed outside together.

Rick waited until he heard the heavy click of the prison's outer door before he finally took an audible breath. He didn't know why he felt compelled to head back and apologize to Lori after he basically ran away from her earlier. He hadn't uttered more than a few words to her that didn't involve Carl's

well-being since Shane's death. Irregardless, he found himself walking back when he saw Carol. Ducking behind a bookshelf, he waited for her to leave before he approached his wife.

But Carol didn't leave. She stayed to talk to Lori. They said a lot of things, and Rick overheard every single word. Hearing what he did, his first instinct was to grab his wife and hold her tight, and that thought absolutely terrified him. He knew he was too wounded to think clearly when it came to her. He was so angry that he could barely look at her most days. Why then did his heart trip in his chest hearing what she had to say to Carol? He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding to think on it. He didn't want to make any rash decisions he wasn't prepared to handle. That wouldn't be fair to Carl, or Lori.

He walked outside. It was a nice day, sunny and warm. He shielded his eyes to see better and realized most of the group was outside as well, enjoying the day. The sight made him smile. Maybe things would be alright, if there could be days like this, from time to time. He could see Lori and Carl across the yard, they were talking and smiling, which was a miracle unto itself. Rick watched them together for a moment. His heart lurched in his chest at the sight, and for the first time in a long time- he felt hope.

Tomorrow, he decided. Tomorrow he'd go to her, and they'd talk. Nothing would ever be the same, but maybe, they could somehow figure out a way through all the pain. Before he could form another thought, he heard screams. His head shot up, and he watched in horror as walkers began to fill the prison yard.

"Carl!" Rick yelled, springing into action, shooting and stabbing any dead thing in his path. "Lori!" But the access gate was locked. He couldn't get to them. He'd have to go around, waste precious seconds.

Glenn had found the hole in the fence where the walkers got in and was busy tying it back up. Rick ran past him, trying to get to the rest of the group. He rounded the corner just as Lori and Carl were escaping the overrun yard back inside the prison. There were still dozens of walkers between them. Maggie, Glenn, Daryl and Carol were with him, protecting the others, giving them a chance to escape. Rick stopped near Daryl, planted his feet, took aim and began shooting. Once they cleared the yard, he would find them. He had to believe they got away, that they were safe now inside.

"Lori!" He yelled out over the blast of his gun. She and Carl, and the baby, would make it. They just had to be fine. He needed to talk to her. He needed to tell her that...that despite everything he still loved her.

"Lori!" His yelled again when the yard was finally clear, when he was finally inside the prison, and could help them. "Carl!" His voice echoed down the prison halls. He waited in vain to hear a response, any response. But there was nothing.

Nothing.

There was just nothing.