This is the chapter, where the quote in the summary came from and the longest chapter yet. All that good stuff. Enjoy!


My Dearest Morphine

Chapter 7: Paroxysm


"Damn it, I don't care! My wife is breaking down inside! Although she appears to be hysterical, I don't know what's happening to her heart and soul! You better fix this Tomoyo Daidouji or you'll regret this for your life!"

His deep voice rang and echoed through the line. I was instantly petrified, my heart dropping after each word. There was a certain authority in his voice that made me cringe. He was doubtlessly angry, frustrated, and hurt. I had no choice but to apologize.

"I'm sorry," I said after a long pause, taking my time to regain my shaky voice. "Did I hurt you because I healed Kaho?" Somehow the question didn't make sense to me. How could I help someone and end up hurting someone else, even if they are on the same side. Technically, they were both my patients.

"Yes, yes, you did."

His words truly stung my heart. Never in my life have I been accused of hurting someone. I was the innocent woman, ever since I've vowed to help others with all my power and kindness. I had to. It was the only way to make up for the past.

My mother caused all this; she was a vengeful woman, wherever she went, trouble followed. Because I was born with her name, I've suffered her consequences. People regarded me as a devil not because I've done anything wrong but simply because I bore a bad name. My mother was a witch, a bad witch. She could control the mind, force others to do unspeakable things. I had seen all of her wrongdoings because I always traveled with her. I knew the people that she would hurt just to live a bit of her cherished hysterical happiness. Whenever someone was tortured, I would hear their screams and not be able to do anything. They always looked at me pleadingly, accusing me of just standing there and doing nothing. But really, I had no choice—I couldn't overpower my mother.

One day, she died.

It wasn't tragic at all.

In fact, people cherished her death and commemorated as the day of liberation. They shunned me, and sent me away to the mountains. It was then that I discovered something special about myself. I came across a temple, full of saintly monks, who unwillingly and pitifully took me in. I promised to do good. And they promised to teach me how to purge myself of my mother's remains, of her sins. They said that I was special. They said that I could heal people's hearts. I asked them if it was magic, fearing that I would able to hurt and torture strangers just like my mother did. Knowingly, they smiled at me and said 'no, this is something different, something better and invaluable. You will heal everyone around you, not hurt them.'

Since then, I've believed in that… that I couldn't hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt anyone. There was already enough bad karma on my name that if I piled more, I would be drowned in my mother's sins.

Damn him, Eriol Hiiragizawa. He asked for it. He asked me to uncover the truth. He had no right to accuse me of hurting him. I won't let him destroy all the hard work that I've done to regain redemption. Who did he think he was? He sought to change my ways with my patients by ordering me to his house. He disturbed my concentration with my other patients with his frequent phone calls.

As I saw how he acted towards his wife, I judged him as a good man. But I was so wrong. The truth was: he was a horrible man, an insane and useless philosopher, isolated from the world, and obsessed with the only human in his life: his wife.

I realized that I tightened my grip on my cell phone so hard that my hand began to hurt. I stretched my fingers and leaned back in my chair. From the corner of my eye, I glanced at the calendar and immediately sat up. "Damn, Rena is coming!" I exclaimed to myself, without realizing that I was talking to myself.

As if on cue, Rena knocked on the door politely.

"Please come in!"

The gentle woman stepped into the room with a curious glance. I didn't blame her. My usually clean and organized office was in a chaotic state that day. Since I had been involved with Eriol Hiiragizawa, I stopped doing the little things that I used to enjoy, like rearranging my psychology books.

"Please, take a seat," I told Rena.

That day, it was extremely hard not to frown every two minutes. Rena had made no progress at all. Unlike my usual self, I grew impatient in the first ten minutes. I found my leg shaking in impatience without realizing that I was actually doing it. But apparently, Rena noticed. She seemed concerned and nervous, understanding perfectly my signs of impatience. The previous week, I got one or two words out of her mouth but that day, I got none. She couldn't even look at me in the eye without an apologetic look. For the whole session, she didn't cling on my hand; in fact, she didn't even reach out for it. Somehow, her strange behavior never crossed my mind. I just kept tapping my foot continuously in exasperation.

I didn't realize that perhaps, I was hurting her too.

"Look, Rena," I began, trying to suppress my annoyed tone, "don't come back to see me until you can tell me exactly what's wrong. I am sick of the silence. I can't analyze your problems without knowing anything! You need to share in order to free yourself of the past!" My voice echoed in my office. The usually humid and warm air seemed to be dry and cold that day.

Her eyes grew wider at each word that rolled off my tongue. She retracted from me little and little and curled up in a ball on her chair, drawing her knees to her chest. She rocked herself forward and back in a slow motion, as if she was meditating. I frowned at her. For the next five minutes, I scrutinized her expression but found nothing: no signs of confession, no signs of change, except the fact that her frail body was trembling in fear—fear of me.

"I'm sorry that this session was futile," I said flatly, with an accusing tone, "I will not make an appointment with you again unless you speak fully with me."

She nodded slowly and did not utter a word. Without anything left to express, she got out of her chair like a handicapped person and trotted to the office door. My eyes unconsciously followed her form and lingered on the office door. Something was bothering me; something pricked at my brain, telling me that something about Rena was horribly wrong, that I had missed something significant. But the rest of my brain was consumed by Eriol and Kaho Hiiragizawa's case. Nothing made sense anymore.

For the longest time, an hour, two, or perhaps three, I simply stared at the door futilely, expecting it to shout some obvious answer at me. There had to be something I could do.

Eriol Hiiragizawa accused me of erasing his wife's memories. I didn't remember that I had such power, or even any power at all. I truly preferred to believe that my healing power was only because of my gentleness. Suddenly, a sudden image flashed in my head. It was a young and charming woman, with stylishly coiffed hair, dressed in a beautiful vibrant dress, and a perfect smile. But slowly, that smile turned into a scowl of arrogance. Her icy glare spoke the words 'you are inferior to me' and made me tremble. She was—and is—my mother, the one whom I couldn't escape from. She was my greatest fear. 'You are cursed just like me. You will destroy everyone around you, just like I did. And while you suck the lives out of them, you will enjoy it. You will enjoy the power, the control that you have over others.'

Somehow, that seemed almost welcoming. But I dismissed the cruel and torturous thought. No, I couldn't be like her. That would destroy my entire existence, all that I've worked for…

Suddenly, a sharp ringing echoed in the room, waking me from my reveries. I immediately grew excited, anticipating for Eriol Hiiragizawa to call and apologize so that I wouldn't have to do it.

"Tomoyo Daidouji speaking," I began, my voice still a little shaky.

"Ms. Daidouji," a man began. I sighed into the phone, not even attempting to hide my disappointment. It wasn't Eriol Hiiragizawa. "I am Rena's brother. You need to tell me what happened during your appointment with her."

"Nothing happened," I replied flatly.
"Nothing?"

"We just sat there in silence."

"Did you say anything to her? Anything… hurtful?"

I cringed. "No…" That was a big fat lie and my trembling voice didn't help to hide it.

"Rena locked the door to her room and has been sobbing in there for four hours." Ah, so that's how long I've been staring at the door… My mind slowly trailed away from the gentleman's words. I was sure that his message was important but I simply couldn't bring myself to concentrate. "… end up disastrous."

"I understand, sir," I said in a fake compassionate voice that disgusted even myself, "I will do my best the next time I meet her—"

"Speaking of that," he interrupted, "Rena shook her head violently when I asked her for the date of her next appointment with you. Why is that?"

"I…," I frowned to myself, trying to remember my previous outburst to the poor woman, "ah, I told her to not meet me until she is ready to tell me what's wrong."

"…" The man paused in a solemn silence. "Ms. Daidouji, I beg of you. Please help Rena. I brought her to you because you are known to heal people, to help people talk about their problems so that they can be relieved. You can't possibly expect Rena to just achieve all of that on her own. She is mentally weak right now and has no confidence whatsoever."

"I'm sorry. I promise that I will approach her better next time."

There was nothing left to say, so Rena's brother hung up in semi-desperation. My empty promises didn't seem to reassure him at all. He definitely wasn't a fool. With my trembling hand, I put my phone down on the desk and sighed. I failed yet another patient just because I was so engrossed in that stupid case. I could have just quit, refused my services but somehow, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Something in my head screamed to do something about Eriol Hiiragizawa and Kaho Mizuki's marriage. Perhaps, I mused, breaking it apart was the best solution.

I leaned backward into my chair and stared at the textured ceiling. The previous night, I had met with Kaho and we talked for the longest time, until the restaurant boss personally walked to our table to kick us out. She had so much to say and I had so much patience to listen. I was intrigued by her story and she was willing to share. Without her husband beside us, Kaho was much more relaxed and held no grudge against me. It was like she suddenly remembered that I was just a healer. Although it must have been comforting for her to lift the burden off her shoulders, I felt extremely fatigued after our long discussion; all her emotional burdens transferred to me. That was how I healed— I absorbed pain through physical contact. Usually, I had no problem dissipating the pain with my happiness and relaxation. But Kaho's pains were so sharp and heavy that they engulfed my mind. Eriol was wrong; their problem didn't just the five years of their marriage—it was much longer than that. It has existed for lifetimes, for exactly five lifetimes. That was approximately four hundred years of constant suffering from her part and the pain of her realization. I was so impressed and so appalled by their history that I doubted my own healing powers for the first time. How could I fix four hundred years of pain with a few single touches, merely holding hands with them and uttering sympathetic consolations? I would need to delve into their minds for months to unravel and fix everything. I knew that I didn't have time for that; their marriage was already falling apart at an exponential rate.

For the next few days, I refused to see patients. I probably ended up hurting them too, my beloved patients who trusted me to heal them. At the time, I didn't feel like I needed to apologize. I grumbled and scowled at their dependence on me, never realizing my hypocrisy and my previous love of helping them. Kaho's discourse ran across my mind every minute. I was just… stuck.

I thought back to the end of that night, when Kaho looked into my eyes directly and plainly, without anything to hide, for the first time. She begged me, begged me like a homeless child on the street would to a rich passerby. "I love him too much," she had said, her voice dripping with pain and regret, "I know that it is wrong. But I don't want to know that anymore. If I could forget, if I could just ignore everything that I know, everything would turn back to normal. If I didn't have these morals to follow, these guidelines to live up to, I could finally live a perfect life with Eriol. I want that more than anything, Tomoyo. Please…" It was the first time she called my first name in such a tone, one that was devoid of contempt and disregard. I had laid my hands on hers and sighed. "I understand," I told her. I had closed my eyes to help me concentrate. I had to do something to help her. Maybe, I thought, if I could erase someone's pains, I could also erase their memories, their logic, and their morals. I imagined that a light shone, like it usually would when magic is performed. But I didn't feel anything. Everything just suddenly felt empty, as if the environment turned into vacuum. Then, a split second later, everything turned back to normal. I drove Kaho home safely and bid her farewell. As she left my car, I remarked a confused look on her face, as if she forgot why she was in my car for the first place.


I suppose that you could call it sulking…

I sulked for an entire week without speaking to anyone before I decided to face Eriol Hiiragizawa again. His accusing voice still rang in my mind over and over again as I reached for his door. Even if I felt the key pricking in my breast pocket, I rang the doorbell, asking for an invitation instead of just barging in. It just felt appropriate.

"Finally," he said as he saw me. I could feel his anticipation, for better or for worse. "It has been a week," he frowned at me in disapproval.

He stepped away from the door and walked into the main hall, not bothering to welcome me in. I reluctantly stepped inside the warm house. With a last glance at the outside, I noticed that all the plum blossoms trees from a week ago were dead, as if all the water and life was sucked out of them. I sighed. Had I affected his mood so much that his magical creations began to die? He gestured for me to sit in the living room.

"Kaho is not home," he began, implying that I could say whatever I wished to. He probably expected me to explain everything that I knew. With an intent stare, he commanded me to start.

"Kaho and I went to the restaurant—"

"Get to the point," he ordered mercilessly. "What is the big problem?" His voice dripped with venom. All his previous sympathetic smiles and his sweet behavior simply vanished with his patience. He didn't seek for my hand as he did a week ago. He simply sat there with his fingers tapping softly on the couch. His aura grew overpowering. The authority that he held in his voice chilled my bones.

I gulped and opened my mouth but no sound came out. I tried again and felt my heart almost skip a beat in nervousness. A minute of silence passed where we could hear nothing but his drumming on the sofa arm.

"In your previous lives," I began, cringing a bit at how hoarse my voice was, "Kaho had been your relative." I paused, waiting for his reactions. But he just stared blankly at me, as if he didn't digest the idea yet. "She had been your older sister for five lifetimes. What you two felt when you met… that spark, it was definitely love. But it wasn't this kind of love; it was sibling love and recognition. Both of you are indeed soul mates… but, you aren't meant to be lovers. Your souls have shared so many lifetimes that they keep yearning for each other. But… but…" I paused for air as my soliloquy was said in one breath. I hiccupped in fear as I watched his eyes widen slowly in realization. He was appalled and disgusted at what I was saying but didn't gesture me to stop. "You two aren't meant to be married. You are meant to be brother and sister. Your auras are so intermixed only because you have shared four hundred years together. You only seem like the perfect couple because … because you understand each other so well as brother and sister."

The silence was piercing. My heart ached for something. I wished that there were music in the background, or even to hear his scream. My heart simply stopped beating against my ribcage. Everything was suspended in time. I wondered that was a consequence of Mr. Hiiragizawa's magic.

"I'm sorry…"

He emitted a deadly cry, as if the entire world fell on his shoulders and he couldn't support its weight. The cry was worse than that of thousands of tortured infants, worse than the moaning of the dead. It was filled with pure desperation and anguish. The great Eriol Hiiragizawa fell so far down that he couldn't even dare to look up.

Suddenly, I felt something crush my breasts. I sighed, feeling a bit of relief. The great Eriol Hiiragizawa lowered himself; he was in my arms, sobbing like an infant. He was so debased that nothing mattered anymore. He clung to me even more desperately than the worse of my patients. I could feel his warm breath on my cold and dry skin and his warm tears streaking down my blouse, traversing my shirt and touching my heart. I was relieved that he reached out for me but soon, I regretted that he did. Although I knew that this was the first step to recovery, I preferred his blank-stare state. His pains were seeping physically and magically across our skins, reaching my vulnerable heart. Piled on top of the pains that I absorbed from Kaho a week ago, this new pain crushed my lungs. I couldn't breathe at all. This was a new pain that I just couldn't bear. Darkness slowly overcame me as I fell into desperation. But just before I was completely enveloped in unconsciousness, I saw a rare smile grace Eriol Hiiragizawa's lips. I didn't have enough time to decipher his smile but I optimistically viewed it as a smile of relief on his part.

I fell cold on the couch, my head hanging in midair as a cushion barely supported my back. His frozen tears soaked through my blouse, through my bra but somehow, somehow I felt a warm hand on my chest. It was a new hope for me, the first time that someone was going to heal me of my pains.


Author's Notes: I only got 3 reviews for the last chapter, which is rather discouraging. With 7 favs and 13 alerts, I expected more. Oh well. It'd just be nice if the review count went up because that's what attracts more readers J

So if you like/dislike/hate(?) this chapter, please review. I welcome constructive criticism so please give me some of that to improve my writing. This took a lot out of me to write and edit so I think that it's fair for me to be rewarded.