Part 7: Curses, Kisses, and Sweet, Sweet Revenge

Ryu sat by himself in the Nerima McDonald's, in a state of pure and utter self-loathing.

He had told Ranma that he loved him. It was not merely that he had, in a moment of weakness, called off his grudge against him, or renounced his hate for him - no, he had stood there, gaping like a fool as Ranma received some new curse that changed him into a bizarrely attractive woman, and then he had honestly, truly believed, with all his heart, that he had found love at first sight. His desperate longing when he followed the horde of students into the school and found that Ranma had (of course) eluded them had very quickly faded into disappointment, then into a healthy state of denial, and then, as he reflected on just who Ranma was, into his current self-hatred.

Ranma Saotome.

First off, he was a man. Ryu knew he was not exactly a ladies' man, but he was one-hundred percent straight. He had never, in his whole life, had thoughts that way about another man, and he actually had (along with most of the martial artist population of Nerima) a somewhat severe case of homophobia.

Second off, he had ruined Ryu's life.

Third, he was one of the most obnoxious, inconsiderate people he had ever had the displeasure of knowing. Fourth, he was...he was...

Ryu stopped and thought about that last one, staring at his cheeseburger and fries with a rising fury.

Obnoxious. Inconsiderate. Yes, Ranma certainly was those things, but what difference did that make? He fumed, crushing an unlucky fry in his fist. Ranma was a man. If Ranma had been a kind and considerate man, would that...

He cut off that thought hastily, tossed the remainder of his meal into the trash, and stalked out of the McDonald's.


Ranma, male again, sat on the roof of the high school, shivering.

Jerks.

Absolute, inconsiderate, insufferable jerks.

Turning in a girl was bad enough. Turning into a girl was even worse when the entire school knew about it, and turned his condition into a punch-line. (Three or four local comedians had, in fact, been known to incorporate 'Jusenkyokes' into their routines, giving Ranma a whole lot of completely unwanted, and, to his mind, completely unfunny, publicity.) Turning into a girl was absolutely intolerable when the entire school knew about it, and tried to hit on him anyway.

He fumed, his hand resting reassuringly on the kettle beside him. What the hell kind of water had Konatsu been walking around with, anyway? Spring of Drowned Western Girl? Why would blond hair provoke such an insane reaction? It had to be something else.

He thought, tapping his fingers against the railing.

"Okay," he muttered, hefting the bucket of cold water beside him. He turned around and looked at himself in the reflective surface of one of the windows looking out onto the roof. "Guess I'm gonna hafta see for myself..."

Splash.

She stared at herself. "Holy shit," she breathed, a small bit of drool escaping from her perfectly formed lips.

She had turned into the most insanely, ridiculously, absurdly beautiful girl that she had ever seen. Words are completely inadequate to describe the level of hotness she observed in the reflection. The hottest supermodels in the world were less than nothing compared to her. She was to a normal hot girl as a supernova is to a candle. A really, really big supernova.

She emptied the remains of the kettle on her head with a half-horrified, half-lust-filled shudder.

Okay, he reflected, so maybe I can't really hold their reactions against them. And I guess it is better than the valley girl curse...but still.

He started tapping his fingers again. What to do...

After a moment's thought, he realized what he really needed to do was somehow get a hold of Konatsu when he was separated from Ukyou - which was pretty much never - and get a look at what other Jusenkyo waters he had in his pack.

Relieved to have a plan at last, he darted off down the stairs.


Ryoga, male again after a quick trip to the hot water spigot in the first floor boys' room, nodded. "I heard him say it!"

"So..." Akane drew it out, her hand on the canal fence as the two of them walked back to the Tendo home. "What happened to Ranma?"

He scowled. "I guess it's just what Konatsu said. I mean, I guess he brought back a bunch of different kinds of Jusenkyo water."

"Why would he do that?"

"Well...he wants to be a girl, apparently, so why settle for just being a girl when you can be a really, really, really, ridiculously good looking blond girl?"

Akane shook her head. "Ridiculous." Her eyes had an intense look as she stared out over the canal. "Although I have to say...it would be better than...my current curse."

"Yes," Ryoga agreed, "I think anything would be." Well, he amended silently, not anything

He looked over at her furtively as they walked, and was surprised to find that he was not as embarrassed as he expected himself to be. Sure, his stomach turned to mush and his knees to jelly whenever she looked at him, but that was pretty much par for the course for a typical Ryoga Hibiki-interacts-with-a-girl situation. He found it very encouraging the additional Akane-only symptoms (such as banging his head repeatedly into telephone posts) seemed to be dying down somewhat. He wondered if that was due to his curse change (a burst of confidence because he was a pig no more? a loss of nervousness around girls because he was getting pretty familiar with his own cursed body?), or his kind-of-sort-of relationship with Akari, the fact that he'd been forced to actually interact with two other people for eight whole months, or...

"Anyway, Ryoga," she said, smiling at him (he felt his heart plop into his stomach), "I think I'm going to try to get some of that water from Konatsu."

He swallowed, trying to keep his head on straight. "I...uh...that's a...good idea..."

"I think so too," she agreed, oblivious to his discomfort. She cracked her knuckles. "And that Ukyou better not try to stop me, either. I can't believe she's flipped back into Ranma-I-will-have-my-revenge mode, after all this time!"

Ryoga looked uncomfortable, and, having spent a sizable chunk of his own life trying to exact revenge upon Ranma, didn't really know what to say to that. Akane turned down the street towards Ucchan's, and he followed in silence.


Ukyou and Konatsu looked at each other, then at the row of plastic bottles and small wooden casks filled with cursed water.

She tapped her finger against the fine wood grain of the table, and stared. Tap-tap-tap. The restaurant was still closed, it being too early for the dinner rush, but she had turned off the get-the-hell-out-already lights and the grill was already warming up. It felt like a restaurant again.

"So," Ukyou said, at length, breaking the awkward silence.

"Lady Ukyou," Konatsu mumbled, embarrassed, in that completely deferential voice he always used towards her. She despised that voice. In many ways, she liked Konatsu, and thought of him as a friend, but whenever she paused to think about that servile, completely effeminate voice, and realized it was coming from a man, it made her want to throw up. She was aware that she had somewhat old-fashioned views of how men ought to behave, and also aware that her position was somewhat absurd, given her habit of routinely crossdressing her way around school, but, in her defense, when she was dressed like a boy, she did her damnedest to act like she thought a boy should act, and had even, on occasion, been known to be appropriately feminine when she was dressed as a girl. Such a thin, pretty-faced, graceful boy as Ukyou-in-drag really did, after all, have to make up in behavior what 'he' lacked in appearance.

She did consider that if Konatsu actually become a girl, his deferential behavior probably wouldn't get on her nerves so much.

"So, Konatsu," she tried again, prodding him. "Are you going to do it, or not?"

He stared at the collection of waters before him, then suddenly gave a sharp nod. "Yes, Lady Ukyou. I am."

She grinned at him. "Don't regret it."

He gave her a hopeless look. "But I don't know which one to use!"

Puzzlement. "What do you mean? What are all these different waters, anyway?" Her grin took on a sardonic edge. "Don't tell me you're thinking about using the Spring of Super-Ultra-Ridiculously Hot Blond Girl, or whatever you called it?"

He flushed a delicate shade of pink. "Um...yes, I was thinking about it..." He poked at a small vial of water nervously. "I actually brought two samples of that water back..."

Ukyou couldn't stop a little laugh at that. "Just in case you lost one while trying to interfere in a duel?"

He didn't respond, and continued to stare moodily at the water.

"How much of the regular Spring of Drowned Girl water do you have, anyway, Konatsu?" she asked, suddenly struck by a thought.

He looked at her, puzzled, and pointed to one small cask, about the size of both her fists stacked on top of each other. That's probably not enough for two people, she reflected, estimating its volume.

"Why do you ask, Lady Ukyou?"

Ukyou gave him a pained look. "Konatsu? Just Ukyou. Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? Just Ukyou. None of this 'Lady' business. I've asked you a hundred times, but please just listen to me this time. Consider it your way of thanking me for giving you enough time off to go to Jusenkyo, okay? Okay?"

He nodded nervously.

"Right," she grumbled, sitting back. "So, yeah, I ask, well, partially for myself, but..." She trailed off, thinking. For herself? No... She looked down at her hands, still almost invisibly pulsing with psi energy. I like...whatever's happened to me, she realized, with something of a shock. I haven't even tried to change myself back yet. She knew it was affecting her mind somehow, but for some reason, it didn't bother her. And she really liked her newfound power.

Konatsu was looking at her, baffled. "For yourself, Lad...er, Ukyou? I don't think that this water will cure a bad dye-job, I'm sorry to say..."

She looked at him for a long moment, then began to laugh. Seeing his confusion increase, she choked down her laughter and just said, "Konatsu...it's a long story."

He didn't respond, so she stood up suddenly, and walked to the kitchen sink. Why haven't I changed back yet? she asked herself, wondering about this new curse that strange Protoss had given her. She waited for the water to become hot, and filled up a glass, then dumped it on herself.

She looked down at her hands, puzzled. Still kind of a gold color. Definitely still psi energy there. A strand of hair drooped down over her face, and she stared at it. Gray-green. Still.

She stepped back from the sink, trying to process this new development.

"L...Ukyou?" he ventured, watching her with mounting worry. "You're haven't been cursed, have you?"

She ignored him, staring at her dripping hands, shocked. "Maybe...maybe the water's just not...hot enough?" she mumbled to herself, disbelieving. She let the water run for a good thirty seconds this time, until it was scalding hot, then filled up a large pot with the steaming liquid and poured it on herself.

She looked down at her slightly scalded, but still golden-colored, hands.

"I don't change back with hot water," she breathed, suddenly realizing exactly what Zeratul had done to her. He must have combined my cursed body with my normal body. That's what all that crap about not being a true Protoss was about...

There was a knock at the door, and Konatsu leapt to answer it.

Akane and Ryoga stood there. She's slightly angry, if Ukyou was any judge, and he's embarrassed. But I guess that's no surprise, in either case.

"I want the cure," Akane announced abruptly, marching to the center of the room and favoring Ukyou with a challenging stare.

Ukyou shrugged, and gestured to Konatsu. "That's his call, sugar. You might try being a little more polite..."

Konatsu looked almost as embarrassed as Ryoga as he met Akane's infuriated, and just slightly desperate, eyes. "This is my water," he said, softly.

"Look, Konatsu," she said, a pleading edge breaking through her angry facade, "I know...I know you want that water so you can become a girl, and I guess that's important to you, but..." She shuddered. "Konatsu, I have a curse that warps my mind. Do you know how awful that is for me?" She watched him, studied him. "I...just want...to be cured."

Konatsu looked uncertain, so Ukyou added dryly, "You know, you might as well give her the girl water, Konatsu, it's not like you have a shortage of 'specialty' girl waters here to use on yourself if you decide to."

"I..." Konatsu gazed helplessly through his collection of Jusenkyo waters, but Ukyou's voice seemed to steel him. "Very well. Akane, you may have the water from the..."

He trailed off as he noticed one of the casks - not the Spring of Drowned Girl cask - had disappeared into thin air. As fate would have it, at the exact same time, a loud, somewhat rude knock sounded on the door, and Ryoga, seeing that everyone else was preoccupied, pulled the door open and stepped aside unobtrusively.

"You open?" the young man standing outside asked, leaning inside slightly.

Ukyou looked at him, then at the alarmed-looking Konatsu, then at the obvious hole in Konatsu's neat row of bottles. "Um...no, not yet..."

Ryoga was favoring the new visitor with an irritated stare. "Pantyhose Tarou," he greeted him, flatly.

Tarou stepped into the restaurant and smiled unpleasantly at Ryoga. "Hello there, pork chop, been a while. Miss me?"

"No."

Tarou grinned. "Didn't think so. So, think you could scare me up a bacon okonomiyaki there, pig boy...?"

Ryoga glowered at him. "Why are you here?" he demanded, clenching his fists.

"I like okonomiyaki," Tarou said, shrugging. "Why are you here?" he repeated, amused. "This the new hangout for Jusenkyo-cursed weirdos or something?"

"Look," Ukyou interrupted, "we're not open until 4:30, so, Pantyhose Tarou, if you-"

"DON'T CALL ME BY THAT NAME!" he roared, clutching his head in agony.

Ukyou stared at him. "Uh...what?"

Tarou stuck his fist out to punch her wall in frustration, but instead connected with...a shoulder. He looked suspiciously at the (apparently) empty space in front of him, then leveled a few more punches at it. A suddenly visible Ranma Saotome staggered back, a small cask of stolen water in his hand.

"Eheh..." he said, his hand behind his head nervously. "Hey there, guys..."

"My water!" Konatsu said, shocked.

"So, stooping to new lows, eh, fem-boy?" Tarou sneered, grinning nastily. "Robbing restaurants in broad daylight? Guess I shouldn't be too surprised, given that it's you..."

"Shut up, Pantyhose," Ranma growled, staring at him threateningly. "Come here to try and con a new name for yourself again? What, your plan to take over the world with magnetic back plasters didn't work out?"

Ukyou watched them with growing unease. She vaguely remembered Ranma talking about Pantyhose Tarou, something about him kidnapping Akane and trying to beat everybody up. She had the distinct feeling this could turn into a bloodbath at any moment.

Akane, evidently deciding the same thing, hurriedly ran over to Konatsu's table, retrieved the Spring of Drowned Girl cask, and emptied its contents on herself. She smiled with blessed relief as she felt the cold water hit her, and her brain was not suddenly consumed by a desire to go shopping.

Tarou chuckled. "This time, I won't fail." He removed a bottle of water from his pack. "Take a look at this, crossdresser! This is water from the Spring of Drowned Asshole." He was puzzled at the strange look that entered Ranma's eyes when he stared at the bottle. "Once I use this on the old man, my new name is all but assured!"

Ranma snorted back laughter. "I'm startin' to think the back plaster plan was one of your good ideas."

"How is turning Happosai into an even bigger asshole than he already is going to help you get a new name?" Ryoga demanded, his stance towards Tarou just as hostile as Ranma's.

Akane nodded, still smiling beatifically. "Yeah," she agreed, "that does sound like a pretty sad plan, Tarou..."

"Well, it's going to-" Tarou broke off, snorting. "Forget it, your feeble minds couldn't possibly comprehend my brilliant plan."

Akane scowled. "Now look here..."

Ryoga lifted Tarou up by his collar, growling. "How dare you talk to Akane that way?"

"No!" Ukyou shouted, jumping over the counter. "You idiots are not going to wreck my restaurant again!"

Too late.

Tarou twisted and kicked Ryoga in the face. Ryoga shrugged it off, grabbed his outstretched leg, and swung him bodily into the hard wood of a nearby booth. It shattered under the immense force of the impact.

Konatsu, sensing his chance, darted in and snatched his water back from Ranma's grasping fingers. Noticing that no one was paying any attention to him, and also that the room was in all likelihood about to erupt in a massive brawl, he made a sudden decision, and poured one of the bottles of water on himself.

"So, you're pretty strong," Tarou grated, jerking his leg out of Ryoga's iron grip and popping his knuckles. "For a pig."

Ranma moved to kick Tarou from behind, but he sensed it before he hit, spun, and let Ranma stumbled forward, off-balance. He smiled and thrust-kicked Ranma into another booth. It also shattered.

"God dammit!" Ukyou growled, her eyes and fists burning with psi energy. "YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"

Tarou, now sensing something really powerful behind him, turned around apprehensively at the green-haired, gold-skinned girl with the glowing hands and eyes. "Maybe we should take this outside," he suggested lightly, before receiving a hard hit in the face from Ranma. He flipped backwards, losing his grip on the bottle of Spring of Drowned Asshole water in his hand. It flew up into the air, and somehow the momentum shifting associated with the sudden movement caused the top to pop open.

It landed on Akane's head.

They all stared, horrified.

"Fucking shit," the now male Akane rumbled, flexing his massive arms angrily. He was a good foot-and-a-half taller than any of them, looked like he weighed about three times as much, had arms and legs like tree trunks, and looked really, really silly dressed in a tiny school girl's uniform, with his hair cut in a girly bob. He popped his enormous neck, grinning. His teeth were very large. "You pieces of dog shit just got me all fucking wet, and I'm gonna take it out of your hides."

The destruction of Ucchan's commenced, with much shouting, cursing, and breaking of inanimate objects over people's heads. Although everyone was really too preoccupied to care, a heart-shatteringly pretty blond girl dressed like a ninja jumped into the fray after a moment and started to break heads with the best of them.


About twenty minutes later, the six of them were strewn about the ruins of Ucchan's. Ryoga and Akane, both female again, were completely unconscious underneath a small heap of rubble that had resulted from the destruction of part of the wall. Ranma, soaking wet from multiple encounters with the ruptured kitchen sink as well as Konatsu's Jusenkyo water collection, was trying without much success to pull herself to her feet, wondering fatalistically what sort of weird girl she had turned into this time. Ukyou was sprawled out over the counter in an unnatural position, trying to claw her way towards Ranma, muttering something about sweet revenge. Tarou and Konatsu had collapsed together in the broken pieces of one of the booths.

"Say...Ucchan..." Ranma grunted, panting. "Do I...huff...look any different to you?"

Ukyou growled and kept inching her way towards him. She had a lump on her forehead the size of an apple. "Shut up...and take your punishment...like a man...Ranma..."

Ranma ventured a look up at her hair, and noticed, with a sigh, that it still looked blonde. It was hard to tell, though, because it was soaking wet...

Tarou coughed. His lungs felt like they were composed entirely of wood chips and concrete dust. "Get...off...me..." he snarled, half-heartedly, giving the masked figure sprawled out on top of him a light shove.

Konatsu, half-unconscious, tore off her mask and joined in the coughing, reflexively punching Tarou in the face.

Tarou stared.

Konatsu stared back, dizzy.

Tarou kept staring.

Konatsu's eyes narrowed. "What?" she growled, reaching for her sword, which she belatedly realized was buried up to its hilt in the side wall of the wrecked restaurant.

Tarou drooled a little bit and glomped her.

"EEEEEK!" she wailed, prying him off and beating him to a pulp with a large mallet.

Ukyou continued to crawl towards Ranma relentlessly until she finally came within grappling distance. She grabbed hold of Ranma's shoulders, pulling herself grimly to her knees.

"Ucchan," Ranma wheezed, "couldn't this...huff...maybe wait a bit...huff huff...?"

Ukyou locked her hands behind Ranma's head and started trying to wrestle her way to a better grappling position. "Huff...huff...die...Saotome..." Ranma squirmed fruitlessly, lacking the energy to either wrestle or escape.

Ryoga slowly came to and began to extract herself and Akane from the rubble. "Akane," she mumbled, scrambling and confused. "Akane, are you okay? Akane..."

Ukyou twisted and rolled Ranma over onto her back, pinning the other girl's arms to the ground with her hands. Ranma jerked her waist up, then shot her body quickly to the side, putting Ukyou off balance, then tumbled them both to the side, so that they were grappling on more-or-less even ground.

"You...ruined...my...life..." Ukyou was ranting, twisting around unsuccessfully, trying to gain position.

"Shaddap...Ucchan..." Ranma huffed, having equally little luck.

Ukyou suddenly gained a little leverage, and used it to elbow the other girl in the face. "Take that!" she snarled, leaning forward to do it again. Ranma used her momentum against her, wrapping her arm around Ukyou's other side and flipping her neatly over onto her back. Ukyou rolled with the maneuver, and the two scrambled for position. Suddenly, Ranma was on top, her legs locked around Ukyou, and she wrapped one of her arms around Ukyou's head and started to apply a submission hold. Ukyou gasped for air and twisted violently to one side, and somehow, Ranma lost her balance, and the two did a complete barrel roll in midair, slamming noisily into the ruins of the sink, bathing them both in a shower of steaming hot water, a tangled mess of bruised limbs with their faces mashed together.

And then, quite unintentionally, they were kissing.

Ryoga stumbled out of the rubble, the still-unconscious Akane hoisted unceremoniously over her shoulder, and stared.

"Um...hey..." she ventured, watching them with disbelief.

They completely ignored her, rolling around on the kitchen floor, kissing each other frantically as they tore each other's clothes off.

"Is this happening?" she muttered, rubbing her eyes. "Maybe I'm dreaming... HEY!" she shouted. "AKANE'S HURT, I'M TAKING HER TO THE CLINIC, MAYBE YOU JERKS MIGHT CARE."

Ranma and Ukyou looked up, suddenly seemed to come to their senses, and exchanged horrified glances with each other, then Ryoga, then the still-thankfully-unconscious Akane.

"Oh shit! Oh shit!" Ranma jumped off her in a panic, pulling his shirt back on hastily as he ran towards Ryoga. "No! It's not what it looks like! Let me explain! Don't kill me, Ak..." He paused, as what Ryoga said filtered through his mind. He examined Ryoga's clothing carefully. "Uh...wait. Ryoga?" Ryoga stared back at him, puzzled. Ranma continued, very nervously, "Ryoga...uh, why do you-"

Ukyou's hands began to shimmer, her immense psi energy healing her before their horrified eyes. "RANMA SAOTOME!" she roared, her eyes blazing. "ENEMY OF WOMEN!"

Ranma and Ryoga began to tear off towards the clinic, with the infuriated Ukyou hot on their heels.


Ryu looked down the street and saw a short-haired, athletic-looking girl, carrying another girl over her shoulder, being chased by an attractive green-haired girl who looked sort of like a psycho, and running beside the first girl was...

"Ranma Saotome," he rumbled, grinning. Time to take out his frustrations on the person who deserved it most! Revenge was going to be sweet, sweet, sweet... He jumped towards the rapidly approaching trio. "PREPARE YOURSELF, SAOTOME!"

Ranma and the short-haired girl twisted neatly in mid-air, completely avoiding him. He turned his head around as he sailed in the wrong direction, shocked. Ranma...fleeing from a battle? What was-?

His thoughts were interrupted when he careened into the attractive psychotic girl, sending them both sprawling to the ground.

"Who are..." he trailed off, staring at the girl in horror. It's her! Goddammit, why do I keep running into this crazy-

His thoughts were again interrupted, this time by the girl's brightly glowing fist connecting with his face.

"You let him get away," she snarled, her very strange silver-gold eyes burning. Then she stared at him for a moment, recognition dawning on her. "Hey...it's you...you wrecked my restaurant about a week ago..."

Ryu swallowed, remembering how well their impromptu duel hadn't gone the last time they'd met. "Uh...yeah, look, I'm just-"

"...and then you attacked me, during our battle with the Zerg," she continued, her eyes glowing hotter and hotter. "Said something about how I ought to expect no mercy, and you wouldn't go easy on me just because I'm a girl..."

Ryu slid into a fighting stance, his anger overwhelming his sense of self-preservation. "You want some, girl?" he growled, tensing. "I think it's about time we had a rematch..." He stared at her, letting his anger build. I can take her. I can take her. She's human right now, I can take her...

She smiled. "Think so?"

Then she attacked, showing him just how sweet revenge really was.


"So...uh, how's there two of you?" Ranma asked lightly, as they ran.

Ryoga looked over at him, baffled. "Two of what?"

Ranma grinned insolently at her. "Man, you're uncute, Lost Girl."

She had no idea what was going on. "Shut up and keep running, Ranma."

"Hello, Akane, Ranma!" Dr. Tofu said, giving them a welcoming smile. He peered quizzically at the girl slung over Ryoga's shoulder. Her head was pointed away from him, so he couldn't see her face. "Is your friend hurt, Akane?"

Ryoga wondered if this was her day to be confused, and nodded. "Um...yeah, she got hit in the head or something during a brawl we were having..."

Yeah, that sounded real good.

Tofu grinned. "I guess brawling's sort of a way of life for you, huh, Akane?" he said lightly, rummaging through some paperwork on the front desk.

Ryoga continued to look confused.

Ranma smirked and poked Ryoga in the ribs. "I think he's talkin' to you, there, tomboy."

Ryoga put her fist in Ranma's face.

"I see you've cut your hair even shorter," Tofu was saying, conversationally. "It looks good! Anyway, I can take a look at your friend right now, if you like, just set her down in room number three over there..."


Ranma stood in the bathroom of Dr. Tofu's clinic, staring at himself apprehensively in the mirror, trying very hard not to think about what had happened with Ukyou.

"Well," he mumbled, turning on the faucet. "Here goes nothin'..." He dunked his head underneath the stream of water, and felt the familiar awkward twinge course through his, now her, body.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

Yep, still really, really, really, ridiculously good looking. She sighed despondently.


Ryoga walked into the women's bathroom of the clinic, took one look in the mirror, and fell away in a dead faint.