*Author's Note: Decided I wanted to add some more Deanna in and to clarify their relationship at this point. Plus I just wanted some happy fluffy feelings. Let me know if you want more of this, or if you want me to stick to the family/original character stuff.*
Deanna picks up the phone on the first ring, says a reassuring, "I'm here, Stef," as a greeting, and then waits. Stephanie is still crying happy tears. All she can say at first is, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Deanna patiently waits for Stef to be able to say more, or anything really.
Deanna had been super nervous ever since Stephanie's call. She'd heard enough about DJ to know that, while the rest of the family might be shocked at first and might take a little bit of adjusting just because it is a big change, DJ is the one person who might actually maintain some form of objection to who Stephanie is. Stef hadn't said much about DJ's belief systems, mostly because she didn't seem to know for sure, but it sounded like her late-husband came from a very religious background, and DJ was following his lead. It mostly showed in seemingly innocuous stuff like Facebook posts that Tommy shared and DJ liked. But when Deanna saw Stephanie's face fall periodically when she was just scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed, she asked what it was about. Stephanie never said anything. Just showed Dea the post from some church that Tommy was apparently really involved in. They were promoting a right-wing political candidate who was calling for a Constitutional Amendment to overturn the Supreme Court's decision granting equal marriage rights to gay couples. Over the next several weeks and months, every time something upsetting showed up on Stephanie's newsfeed due to her sister's activity, Stef would just mournfully hand the phone over to Dea. She found that Stephanie never wanted to discuss it or even vent and rag on her sister. She just wanted someone to share the pain she was feeling in her heart.
But this time, Deanna knew that Stephanie would want to talk. She quietly prompts, "What happened, hon?"
Still sniffling, Stephanie starts, "She…she didn't react at all how I thought. I mean, we didn't dig into big moral or political questions. She actually didn't talk much at all. I just…I took your advice. And I told her. I told her about you and how I've known since I was 12 and I told her that she's the first person in this part of my world that I've let see me since Gia. And she just…she just hugged me and apologized for the shit she'd said in the car earlier and then asked me to give her some slack when she screws up."
Smiling, Deanna says, "I'm so happy for you, babe. Your sister let her love for you win out. That's a good thing. Not a lot of people with religious so-called convictions on this stuff let their hearts talk."
"Yeah," Stephanie agrees, "I have a feeling we'll probably talk about harder stuff later, but for right now, I'm just going to bask in the fact that I'm out to both of my sisters and the world hasn't ended."
Laughing, Deanna reiterates, "That's so great, Stef. I'm so happy for you."
For the first time since they've known each other, the silence that lingers between them doesn't feel comfortable. When Stef had first decided to move back to San Francisco, they had said they'd both take some time and let each other know what they want to do about their relationship. But two weeks had passed and they'd continued texting and talking as much as they normally do when Stephanie is away on a DJ-ing gig or Deanna is away at a medical conference.
For some reason, the lack of that promised conversation feels heavy in this moment. And neither is entirely sure where to begin.
"So…you might not want to talk about this right now." Deanna takes a deep breath, "but we really should talk about what we're doing at some point."
"I know," says Stephanie mournfully. "I just…I made the decision to move back here so quickly. And…I feel like once I come out to everyone, everything is just going to feel so much different. And I'm not 100% sure, but I feel like I'm still going to want to stay. Even if it's hard, DJ is still going to need my help with the kids."
"Yeah, I get it," says Deanna. "But where does that leave us? I mean, we moved to Chicago together because I got the job at the clinic here and it's a good central location for your music. And you can kind of set up wherever you want, so we decided it made sense to let my job be the home base. But now…"
"I know, I know," Stephanie says, "now I have a more or less permanent home base that is half way across the country from you… And as much as I may want to, I can't ask you to follow me here."
"Why can't you?" asks Deanna, surprising even herself with the question.
Stephanie is stunned and has no clue what to say, so Dea continues, "Look, I know when we started seeing each other, we never really had a serious talk about what we wanted or where we were going. We just gravitated towards each other and then somehow that snowballed into this…"
Stephanie interjects, "And what is 'this' exactly?" She doesn't ask it in an accusatory way. Just honestly wanting to know.
"That's my point," says Deanna. "We have this amazing connection. I could feel it from the very second we met. Even when you thought you hated me for saying all that stuff about you and your background. I don't say that kind of stuff to just anyone, Stef. You just fascinated and aggravated me all at the same time and I've been hooked ever since. And I miss you like crazy. Every time I get home from a shift, I spend hours searching for flight deals to SF. I forget to eat dinner half the time because I get so absorbed in it. I've been trying to give you your space to settle in and figure this all out. But…if I was just your coming out affair… "
Stephanie interjects, "Dea, you know you weren't the first girl I've slept with." Deanna continues, "I know, babe, but I was the first one that you…" "Actually admitted to?" offers Stephanie.
"Yeah, something like that. And that's a big deal. And a relationship under those circumstances can get really emotional and deep really quickly. And I guess, with everything that's going on with you, I worry that the reason why you've stayed with me is because I was close and all those good emotions were happening, but now that I'm far away… I don't know. I don't know where you stand. And it's hard, because I love you and…if you got what you needed from me," realizing how that sounded, Deanna rushes to continue, "and I don't mean that in a negative way. I'm not saying you used me. But I did really help you along your whole self-discovery and acceptance journey. And if that's all I was, all I am to you, that's okay, Stephanie. It really is. But I need to know. Because those deep emotions…they weren't one sided. I'm so head over heels in love with you, Stephanie Tanner, that I can't think about anything else. But it's only going to get worse and more painful for me if I'm constantly left wondering where you stand and what you want, especially with all this distance. So please, just…tell me. I'd rather find out now than keep wasting all my free time looking up flights I'm never going to be able to take," Deanna finally finishes, feeling terrified and exhausted.
Stephanie is already emotionally exhausted from her talk with DJ, but she knows that she owes this to Deanna, that they can't just keep going on like one of them is just away on business. So she begins, "Dea, I feel like everything with my family is still so up in the air right now that I can't…I can't just tell you that I'm planning on moving back to Chicago, that my time here in SF has an end date. I can't promise that. But…I want to. Not because I want to leave San Fran. I really don't. But…I wish I could promise that because I'm not ready to lose you."
Stephanie pauses to compose herself, "But I also feel like I have no right to ask you to look for another job. You're at an amazing clinic, working under some of the best doctors in the country right now, trying to build up the type of clinics for LGBT youth that SF already has. And I can't ask you to derail your career and stop pursuing that amazing goal just because my life suddenly and drastically shifted."
"Let me ask you this," says Deanna hesitantly, "if there was a way somewhere down the road for me to keep pursuing that goal but also spend a couple weeks a month in San Francisco, would I have a place in your life there? And would you be able and willing to come to Chicago with me for weekend events or shows every once and a while?"
Shocked, Stephanie stammers, "I…Dea that sounds like a dream come true, but I have no clue what you're getting at?"
Deanna explains, "Well, you mentioned that what we're trying to set up here in Chicago is something that San Francisco already has, which is completely true. They have Strut and Dimensions and several other amazing centres focusing on LGBT youth and health care. Which is exactly why this could work, if we wanted it to. There are so many things I could learn from the clinics out there. I haven't talked to my boss, Gloria, about it yet, but she has been talking about wanting to learn from other places that have done the same thing. I think in a month or so, once our staffing is a bit more stable, I would probably be able to transition to at least part time work flying to other clinics and learning from them. Gloria has talked about wanting to go visit some places, but she never has the time. I want to talk to her about having a conversation with the SF clinics about forming a type of partnership or mentorship relationship. If we set it up right, I could spend a week or two a month working at one or more clinics there in SF learning from the staff and management. But if we were to do this, keep dating and I'm traveling out to SF, I feel like the only way we can really make it work is if you come here sometimes too. There needs to be balance and-"
Stephanie cuts Deanna off, "Yeah, I completely get that part. I wouldn't want you to feel like you always have to be the one coming to me. But Dea," Stephanie pauses as she tries to absorb everything she's just heard, "are you serious about all of this? You would do all of that for me?"
Deanna chuckles, "It's not just for you, babe. I mean, yeah, if I can know for sure that you're in the same place as me when it comes to committing to this thing and all of that, I would do pretty much anything to make this work. But I also think having an official partnership with the best and one of the first clinics of this type in the nation would be the best thing for my clinic. You moving to San Francisco and me desperately wanting to still be with you made me think about all of this, but I really do think it would be a great move for the clinic. And while I think Gloria will go for it, I still need to get her on board. And one or more of the SF clinics, obviously. So it's not a done deal by a long shot. But before I could even consider going to Gloria or anyone else with it, I need to know where you stand."
Stephanie has spent the last couples hours going through one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of her life. And she should be exhausted and confused and completely incapable of assessing her own feelings at the moment. But instead, it is one of the clearest moments of her life, only surpassed by that first early morning conversation with Deanna all that time ago.
"Deanna, I want nothing more than to keep you in my life. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so nuts about you. I want you to keep pushing me and challenging me and inspiring me. I want you to meet my family so you can drive them crazy with your brutal but oh-so-necessary insights. I want to be with you. In Chicago. In SF. And everywhere in between and beyond. You're it for me. That's never been more clear than in this moment."
After a long pause where Stephanie knows that Deanna is wiping her eyes and just breathing in the moment, Deanna finally says, "Goddamn, I've never hated being so far away from you as much as I do in this moment."
"I know, love, I know," Stef says breathlessly.
"Listen," Stef says, trying to pull herself out of her need to be with Deanna in that moment, "I really do want you to come visit me some weekend soon, but I need to come out to my Dad and everyone else first. How about I come see you next weekend? I'm not sure when my Dad's going to be here next, and I really need us to be together sooner rather than later."
"Mmmmm," hums Deanna, trying to control her own longing. "You know, this weekend extends to Monday with the holiday right? I've got the money. If you'd let me, I'd love to buy you a ticket here leaving first thing tomorrow morning."
"Oh my god!" Stephanie nearly screams, and then remembers that there are sleeping children two floors up. More quietly, she continues, "let me just text Deej to confirm that she doesn't need me over the next couple days. She should still be awake."
"And if she's not, you better wake her up!" laughs Deanna, the excitement at seeing Stef again rolling off of her in waves. "Text me to let me know what she says. I'm gonna let you go so I can have the flight info all pulled up and ready to go for when you say the word."
"Okay!" Stephanie says excitedly, the whole tone of the conversation having rapidly shifted. "I'm so excited! I really don't even want to leave the loft the entire time I'm there. Are you sure you can afford to fly me out? I don't want this to be a regular thing. You know I like paying my own way."
"I know," says Deanna, "but we both really need this right now."
"Yeah, we really do. That's why I'm not even putting up a fight about it. Alright. I love you so so much, baby. I'll text you in a couple minutes."
"Can't wait, gorgeous," says Deanna, and they both disconnect with giant grins glued to their faces.
*Author's Note: I figured with San Francisco's history, they'd likely have LGBT-focused clinics, so I looked up a couple names to reference in this, but I don't actually know if they're the oldest or most reputable. And I know Chicago has Center on Halsted, which I'm sure has great clinic references or even on in-house. Anyways, point being, no clue if the clinic-partnership story line truly makes sense in the real world, but it did in my story so…. Hope you all liked it! Thanks for reading and commenting.*
