May 7th

When I opened up my locker two days ago, I saw my leather jacket hanging there like I walked into the school with it on. I didn't. I threw it away. I know this, you guys know this, but it was just hanging in there with no scratches or the spills from other junk I threw out that night. Perfectly clean like the day Neji bought it for me. I took it out and stuffed it into the nearest trash can in hopes of never seeing it again. (And it still smelt like Neji, even more so than before the disposal.)

That was the very start of my morning and it was way too fucking early in the morning for that shit. If you've been keeping up with my past entries, you should know that Neji has not spoken to me for the past few days. After the injuries he inflicted on me back in April, he's done a total 180 and been borderline ignoring my existence other than getting his book back from me. And it's been killing me.

I said it, I said it so many times how I wanted this space and when I get it... I just... I don't know.

So, my day went on as usual without my former lover, spending time with my friends, and heading home to change into my uniform for work. My mother drove me to work, I punch in, and head back to the children's section for the start of my day. If you think I'm about to type about Neji popping up like some deranged stalker, you're wrong. He rarely ever showed up to my job unless he desperately needed a certain book. That's why he would call and text me all the time, so he wouldn't be bothering me on my hours, if that makes any sense to you. I sat at my little table with my little chairs and began to read some of the newest children's books that came in to pass time. Seven hours flew by with the same normal routine of answering customers' questions and instructing them where this and this section is and all of my book recommendations. Sometimes work just wears me out.

My mom couldn't get me from work because she was running a late night shift (she works as a nurse, even more of a reason why she freaked when she saw my hand), Kankuro and Temari were out at a friend's party, and all there was left was the step-dad. Thanks, but no thanks. I preferred to just walk. So that's what I did. My feet were in so much freaking pain having to hoof it from uptown to downtown. All I could think was how bad I needed a foot massage. A massage with lavender oil, being fed candies, and complaining about the little things that nagged me by the end of the work day. Just like I did with Ne-

Knock, knock-knock, knock, slap, knock-knock.

I screwed up. I screwed up bad.

The window in front of me creaked open. "Gaara?"

I don't know how to looked to Neji, but I was in full blown panic mode. Have you ever driven and suddenly realized you were at your destination without a single memory of the drive to? I guess that was what happened to me. I was so lost in my thoughts that my feet directed me to my usual after work stop before I went home. Since my mother was able to get me from work lately, I hadn't done it, but I wasn't focused on avoiding Neji during my walk. I thought about him pampering me and that was good of an enough reason for my feet to drag me there. And now, pale eyes bore into mine in curiosity of my appearance. What the hell was I supposed to say?

My eyes dropped down to his neck. The last time, there was what I thought was blood across it. It was perfectly normal now. A plain throat.

"Gaara?"

I looked to him, words jumping off my tongue with little thought. "Can I come in?"

His eyes widened along with mine, but he quickly stammered, "Y-Yeah, sure," and moved out of the way. Mistake Number Two.

I slinked into the room feet first through the small window, shimmying my small hips past the frame and landing feet first on a pile of pillows. Neji had them set up months ago just for me, in case I fell wrong, I wouldn't fall hard on his hardwood floor. He still hadn't cleaned them up. I kicked a purple pillow out of my way and looked around his bedroom. Unchanged. Art supplies spilling out of every cabinet, clothes hapzardly tossed into drawers, a large eisel with canvas in the corner of the room, and his tall bookcase overloaded with books. Piles of books were on top of the case, piles on the floor beside it. And of course, the bed I was very familiar with, sitting dead center in the room in front of me.

Neji stepped in front of me as my eyes roamed near the eisel, asking, "What?"

'What?' 'What?' indeed. I literally had no words to say. I had no reason to be at his house, in his room. I was there out of my own subconscious whims and had nothing to save my skin.

My silence must have irritated him as he rolled his eyes and turned his back to me. He made his way to the closet, yanking open a door. He reached in and pulled out a familiar jacket, holding it out towards me. A white, vegan leather jacket with a black painted zipper. The same fucking jacket I tossed that morning.

Rather than acknowledging my shock, he looked off and said, "I think you dropped this today."

I was frozen in place, eyes wide as saucers, unable to word my feelings. Are you fucking kidding?! I did not fucking 'drop' the jacket, I threw it away. I 'dropped' it into the trash can, where it belonged, where it should have stayed the first time I tossed it. However, this proved that Neji wasn't entirely ignoring me, he was just fucking stalking me! How else would he managed to get the jacket out of the trash to put into my locker the first time. And before you think that Neji broke into my locker, we know each others' combinations, that's it. Anyway, that also means he was somehow watching me in the morning when I threw it away at school. I have no idea when he had the time to dumpster dive for it, but was it worth the frustration he was causing me? Definitely not to me.

"I threw it away, fucking psycho," I told him, pushing the jacket away from me.

His eyes lit up, not happy with my response. "I'm not a psycho," he tried to calmly explain.

"Really!? Then how the hell do you explain getting it back twice?"

He ignored my question and stepped forward, pressing the jacket towards me, adamant on returning it to its former owner. "Keep it."

I looked at the white jacket against my chest. Its soft texture laying against the itchy jacket I've been wearing since we broke up. Style and comfort would be the only reasons I'd take it back, but I didn't want the secondary attachments that came with it. Memories, his scent, the fact that keeping it would remind me of being his for as long as I owned it. I wasn't his. I wasn't.

I shook my head, pushing the faux leather pelt away from me, where it should stay. I told him, "I don't want it."

He tried to do the same thing, telling me to keep it and I did the same thing, telling him I don't want it. After three more times, he shoved the jacket harder into my chest, almost tumbling me towards the wall. His jaw clenched, practically seething. "Take. The fucking. Jacket."

"Fuck that jacket," I replied, reclaiming my balance.

It was swiftly gone as I got pushed again, down into the pillows. The weight of Neji's body knocked the wind out of me, but I could still hear him say, "I bought it for you, okay?" His knee dug into my stomach to emphasize his point. "You have to keep it," he said as I wheezed.

The weight of his body was nothing compared to the weight in my chest. Looking up to those hovering sharp eyes lit up thoughts I hated. Especially the ones that screamed how much I missed him, how I needed him. I wanted nothing more than him to lean down and capture me in his gentle embrace.

The hairs on my arm stood as he did lean in, but not for the reason I wanted. His hand slid down my wrist, grabbing a rough hold with his nails. He pressed his forehead into mine. His height bent his neck at a weird angle, but he still managed to get my eyes locked on his. Manic, crazed. His words echoed in my head. Anything for you.

I watched his lips move, just barely able to make out the words.

Mistake Number Three. I refused.


I lied. Neji wasn't always gentle with me like I said. I know I told you about the way he grabbed my wrist over desserts, but there were other times I blocked out of my mind.

After work, I was supposed to go over to Neji's to watch a movie, but the boss had me stay later to do more work. I never had a chance though to contact him and tell him. I get to Neji's three hours late. I knocked on the window, ready to give my excuse and an apology, but instead, I was harshly yanked through the window by my arms, forearm sliced by the sharp wood frame. I even lost a shoe on the way in. I was dropped onto the floor, face barely missing the pillow pile.

As I tried to get up, I heard him say, "You're late."

"I'm so-" I get cut off.

"Three fucking hours!" He yells, almost scaring me. I've never heard him yell. He was always such a calm person, so this was new to me.

I get on my feet, lifting my arm up to inspect the stinging wound. Luckily it wasn't too big, but it was bleeding pretty heavy. Probably nicked a vein or artery. Neji looks at it and glares, bending over to pick up a random shirt. He throws it at me, saying, "Quit bleeding on my floor. It'll stain."

Once again, I didn't expect a reaction like that. When I get papercuts, he kisses the pain away. Why the hell was he acting like such a douche?

"What the hell's your problem?" I risk asking.

He storms up to almost immediately, shoving me down to the floor. I hit the wood hard, wondering why he didn't push me into the pillows. Or the question I should have been thinking, 'Why is he pushing me down in the first place? I haven't done anything.' His one hand crushes my shoulder against the floor, the other one traveling down to my wounded arm.

Some of his brown hair slipped from its ponytail. I could taste the ends on my lips. Oil, smelt like bergamot, Neji's second favorite scent. I smelt it a second time as a hand quickly lashed across my face. Before it registered, my hair is grabbed, my wound squeezed. My head is yanked in his direction, watching anger swirl in his face. His words are less human, saying something along the lines of, "When I say 'nine,' I fucking mean 'nine.'"

Something about the way he says it, or the way he looks, I find myself apologizing. I had a reason for it, a legitimate one, and yet I didn't say it. I don't want Neji mad at me. I didn't have to stay late. If I said 'no,' the boss would have asked another worker to stay late. I had plans and I said yes anyway, I was in the wrong. Neji was mad because I made a promise and I broke it.

His face immediately softened and let go of my arm and hair. He said, "I forgive you, but you shouldn't do something like this. I was worried about you." He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss. "So worried."

And the night moved on like it never happened. There were plenty of other times that I pretended never happened either. A shove into a brick wall when I giggled when he tripped with an apology given afterward. He pulled my hair in a store when I said I wanted a leather jacket instead of a faux leather one. In the end, I walked out with the white one, thanking Neji for choosing it. We got into a fight over a salesperson guy coming up to me, talking about clothes. Neji dragged me away from the guy and into the car. We parked somewhere away from other people and yelled at each other, mostly me not understanding why he was so angry. Jealousy, I asked. A slap across the face shut me up.

"He has nothing on me, you love me, right?"

Of course I did. All was forgiven, all was forgotten, then he treated me for some ice cream and french fries. Like nothing fucking happened.

Remember when I told you how deeply in love we were with each other? I couldn't pull logic out in those moments. As cheesy as it was, I was blinded by love. I honestly thought I deserved what I got and that I was the bad apple that Neji kept giving chances to. After the fight about the salesperson, I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends. I mean, I was hardly spending time with them because they kept badmouthing Neji, but now I was spending almost all my time with Neji. He had a low self-esteem, I told myself. I didn't want him to feel jealous or feel like I might leave him for someone else. He needed me to make him happy and I was willing to do it at all costs. As long as I behaved well, we would work.

I don't remember when, but slowly, the love smog started to clear up. I was seeing things, I was realizing things, I was understanding this wasn't right. None of it. I wish I knew sooner though.


I felt numb, so fucking numb, like someone held ice to my heart, I just couldn't feel. I felt vibrations. Muscles throbbing and hands shaking. My fat, busted lip was trembling in the cold air. It was even a wonder that I was able to call Naruto to pick me up. I was just lying on a park bench at two in the morning. I was vulnerable. Any creep could have snuck up on me and had their way, but really, they'd just be having Neji's sloppy seconds.

I didn't have a long wait. Naruto's car pulled up with a loud screech, shouting, "Gaara!"

I couldn't call back, my throat seemed to close up on me now that someone was here. He coaxed me into the backseat to lay down, but I didn't want to. I did enough of that tonight.


I had the worst shower of my life. I watched different colored fluids circle down the drain. Red from the marks he left, white from...well, you know, and yellow, vomiting up my stress. I wished I was liquid. I wanted to go down that drain too.


I couldn't fall asleep at Naruto's. I kept thinking of what happened, repeating it over and over again in my head.

I was raped. It feels so stupid to type out because I keep thinking of those girls on Law and Order: SVU and suddenly I am one. I'm a character on the show, scarred by their attacker, physically and emotionally. Much like the episodes, it was done by someone I knew and trusted. And over and over and over in my head, I'm watching myself in his bed, enduring the blows and scratches and the dry thrusts, doing nothing. I stared at the ceiling, taking what I deserved. I made three mistakes that led to this, so it's on me.

I don't want to give gritty details, I don't want to alarm others or set off bad memories for anyone else. I don't even want to keep thinking about it, but I feel like I need to tell you guys something. Before anything happened, I did want Neji in that sort of way. That 'gentle embrace?' Yeah, that was the more poetic term for it, but I didn't want it like that. I didn't want to be beaten the way I was. Stripped of my clothes and dignity. I should have fought back, I should have. I couldn't. He literally beat my will to fight out of me. Neji was a feral creature, out for my blood, out for my flesh. Human versus beast, I was bound to lose regardless.

As the rounds grew calmer, gentler, I think I felt more disgusted. Groggily whispering romantic bullshit into my ear as if I could even hear. I felt the vibrations of his words, the heat of his breath, and nothing else. I was a lifeless sex doll, waiting to be tossed to the side. When I was, I laid still on the floor. Not a single thought, not a single feeling. I almost didn't even notice Neji left the room. I honestly don't know how I left his house and got to the park. Everything between then and Naruto's was a blur. I'm not sure I want to remember though.


I didn't tell Naruto that night, but I think he could tell. His mouth was gaped, eyebrows drooped, breathing as if he was going to cry when he first saw me. He said nothing and I'm glad for that. I didn't want to talk, I wanted somewhere safe to go, away from everything. My soon-to-be step-dad and brother, my plummeting grades, especially him.

I skipped school the next day (yesterday) with Naruto and we worked on my homework I missed from the night before. Two hours before the time school would be out, I went home, curled up under the blankets, and cried my eyes out straight through. The overwhelming urge to do it didn't beckon me at Naruto's, but as soon as I got into my bed, it all unleashed. I sobbed and screamed and hated myself for it all. As ugly as it might have looked with my nose and tear ducts turned on like a faucet, I needed to let this out. It almost felt good to get it out, though it did nothing to remedy the facts: My ex-boyfriend has been abusing and stalking me for weeks now, a year if you count the in-relationship abuse and I hadn't let Neji go to the police. Did I finally reach the line to do it? To make him pay for the new wounds, the theft of my trust and self being?

I still haven't called the police. I haven't told my mom or my brother or anyone. Naruto's the only one and even he doesn't know exactly what happened. I'm not ready. I can't do it yet. Don't call me stupid or weak. I need time to heal and clear up my head. Until then, I may not come back here in a while. This blog is nothing but him. I'm sick of him. I'm sick of everything.

- Gaara Sabaku