Spencer

Spencer logged into his website to find that the amount of students had dwindled down to next to nothing - pretty much everyone had dropped his course as soon as they found out who he really was. There were a few names remaining, but he was willing to bet they just hadn't had the time to drop it yet. There were no e-mails with notifications saying that anyone needed homework help, and he guessed that none would show up either. He scrolled through the list and saw 'Blackhawk' was one of the first to go. Frustrated, he clicked out of it, running a hand through his hair and sighing. There went his best way to make money and help with the bills. At this point, he would have to rely on odd jobs to help out. When he wasn't doing those, his focus needed to be on his college applications, his homework, and taking care of his mother. He couldn't live in a fantasy world where one day, Derek Morgan would realize he was wrong and talk to him. He was ridiculous to ever believe he had a shot with someone like Derek Morgan. People like Derek? They got happy endings all the time. People like Spencer? They should just expect nothing in life, that way when they get nothing, they can't be disappointed. He sighed, rubbing his eyes before shutting down his computer, walking over to his bed and lying down, staring up at the ceiling blankly.


Derek

His mind was going a million miles a minute pretty much all of the time. One of the first things he had done was drop out of the tutoring website. The last thing Spencer would want to do at this point was help him with his math homework. If it came down to it, he would just have to figure everything out for himself. He tried opening e-mails to message Spencer and try to explain everything to him, but when he would open it up, his fingers would just hover over the keys, wondering how he could even begin to explain everything. He was an absolute ass, and he knew it, and he couldn't think of a way to make all of this better, so he tried avoidance. It wasn't the most mature option, but at this point, he couldn't think of anything else.


Penelope

She'd been giving Derek the cold shoulder for a few days now, mainly because she was furious that he didn't say anything, even though he knew exactly who was behind it. Yes, the hockey team would be down some of their best players, but they'd be getting what they deserved for hurting the poor kid. Not to mention since the season hadn't even started yet, there was plenty of time to get new players to replace them.

She wanted to know how Spencer was doing, but didn't want to bother him if he'd chosen to take everything internally. Instead, she decided to go to who she thought would be the best source for information. After the student council meeting let out, she stepped into the room, slipping into the desk beside JJ.

"Can we talk?"

JJ packed up her things. "Sure. What's up, PG?"

"Well, as much as I want to play catch up with you and figure out what's going on in the brains of my other favorite blonde, I was actually wondering how Spencer's doing? Everytime I see him in the halls, he looks like someone just kicked his puppy and I kind of just want to hug him and feed him candy."

JJ smiled slightly, picking up her backpack and putting it over her shoulder. "I wish I could sugarcoat it. I've never seen him this bad. He's been through a whole lot in his life and this is his rock bottom."

Penelope frowned. "Is there anything I could do?"

She shook her head. "There isn't even anything I can do. He's absolutely heartbroken and upset. The fact that people in the hallways only see Derek Morgan's side of things is pretty crappy of them, if you ask me." She paused, turning to Penelope. "No offense."

She put up her hands. "Absolutely none taken, believe me. Even I can't be on Derek's side for this one, after saving him from that panic attack."

JJ turned to her. "Thank you or that, by the way. It meant a lot that you looked out for him."

"I'm glad I could help. Does he at least have a distraction or something to keep him busy?"

JJ sighed, walking out of the classroom with her. "He still takes odd jobs to occupy his time, but none of them ever last too long. He had his tutoring, which he absolutely loved, but considering everything that happened? He shut down the site and gave up on it. Told me he can't see himself helping someone else when he can't even help himself." She ran a hand through his hair. "I never thought I'd miss my fact-spurting happy genius friend, but this emotionless shell of a person? I don't like him and I want the real Spencer back."

"Maybe someone else in the student body can do something and make themselves the laughing stock so all of the pressure is off of him?"

JJ held up crossed fingers.

"Wishful thinking, I guess," Penelope said, reaching out and rubbing her arm. "He has my phone number if he needs someone to talk to who's outside of his box. Remind him of that for me?"

She nodded slightly. "He barely talks to me, but I'll let him know." She dug her car keys out of her bag. "I'm going to attempt to talk to him now, so I'll try."

"Thank you."

She sighed, walking down the stairs to the parking lot.

Penelope followed. "...And JJ?"

JJ turned around to face her. "Yeah?"

"Once all of this is over, shopping trip? We're long overdue."

JJ grinned. "Definitely."


Derek

This week had been his most miserable in quite some time. He was still being treated the same, but his mind was always nagging him about Spencer. Anytime he saw him in the hallways, he was being ridiculed, and would probably be shoved around if he wasn't being walked to class by his friends. He couldn't help but think that was his fault. If he'd stopped them from leaking the information, Spencer could still be living his life how he wanted, and not protecting himself and shielding himself from everyone as much as he could. He'd gone on the tutoring website to see if he'd been keeping himself busy, but when he clicked on the link, it was an empty page. From his conversations, he knew that the website had been Spencer's escape from real life, so he knew how hard that must've been for him. Shaking his head, he clicked off of the page, running a hand over his face and sighing. Clearing the air with Spencer was the right thing to do, but that would involve outing himself, something he wasn't going to be ready for anytime soon. His mind definitely wasn't going to stop nagging him anytime soon, but he really needed to figure this out.

It had been another week of the same thing for Derek. He'd pass Spencer in the hallways, and his friends would just glare at him if he even thought of approaching him. He wanted to send him e-mails, but there weren't enough words in the English language that he could put together to say just how sorry he really was. He avoided the jocks at all costs, wanting to distance himself from them and their ridiculous antics. When at school, he stuck by Hotch and Haley, but unfortunately, any attempt to talk to Penelope was immediately met with the cold shoulder.

Because he didn't have tutoring anymore, he was doing horribly in math. He tried working with his teacher so he could get a better understanding, but the way they taught it was nothing compared to the way Spencer did it. With Spencer, he'd get individualized attention and all of the help he could possibly need. Unfortunately, it seemed like his teacher was just focused on helping him through the one problem, then heading out the door. He tried his absolute hardest on everything, but he just couldn't get a handle on it like he did with Spencer's help. As a result, his grades in math were on a downward slope with little hope of a turnaround.

One afternoon, he walked into his house and set his bag down before sitting on the couch, burying his head in his hands and sighing.

"Everything okay?"

He looked up and saw his mother coming in from the kitchen. "I thought you were working today?"

"I was… and then I got a call from your principal."

He winced, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Damn," he muttered under his breath, sighing.

She walked over, taking a seat next to him. "Told me that your math teacher was worried about you, because your grades have been slipping."

He swallowed. "I can take make-up tests. It'll be fine."

She rubbed his back. "I have faith in you, but I know my son better than to think that's all that's bugging you. Now come on, out with it."

"Where are Sarah and Desi?" he asked, not wanting them to hear this conversation. If there was anyone on this planet who could pull information out of him, it was his mother.

"Sarah's at a study group and Desiree is at volleyball practice," she assured him.

He took a deep breath. "How much time do you have?"

"For you? As much as you need."

He ran a hand over his face. "I don't even know where to start."

"I do," she said, straightening up. "Something is seriously bothering you and I haven't seen you shut down like this in a very long time. You give me short answers when I ask you questions, you're constantly upset, usually I can't put food in front of you fast enough but now you're barely poking at your plate at dinner, and now the phone call from the school? This is all adding up to something irritating you and I'm guessing it involves Penelope, considering I haven't seen her around the house in a couple of weeks."

He swallowed, fidgeting with his fingers. "Mom, as a mother, you love your kids no matter what, right?"

She reached over, rubbing his back. "Of course. I could never stop loving you, and that's a promise. But I'll warn you, if you commit murder, I'm dragging you to the police station by the ear and throwing you in a jail cell myself."

He smiled slightly, nodding. "Believe me, I know."

She patted his back. "Take your time."

He cleared his throat, trying to get his thoughts straight. He needed to come clean and tell her everything, and he meant everything. He had always been horrible at keeping secrets from her, and knew that this would be no different. Exhaling, he cracked his knuckles.

"You know that I had that tutor from the ads at school, and you know that I was talking to him for a while because I was pretty much screwed when it came to math."

She nodded slightly, motioning for him to go on.

"He would help me with my homework and not let me give up on myself. You know that, because you started paying him for all of his hard work, calling him the one who 'brought out the real Derek'."

"He did," she said, "when you got help from him and finally understood it, you were happy."

He smiled to himself. "After he'd help me out, we'd get to talking, and I got to know him. We talked, and shared things with each other even our best friends don't know, because we were that comfortable with each other. Finally, it reached a point where I decided I needed to meet him, so we planned to meet up at the Halloween dance."

She frowned. "Was he there?"

He nodded. "He was there," he assured her. "We met up, we talked, we bonded, and we got to know each other even better, if that was even possible. Unfortunately, he had to leave early and I didn't even get his name."

She put a hand up to stop him before moving closer. "Derek, do you have feelings for this boy?"

He bit down on his cheek, nodding slightly. "I don't want to label myself, which people insist on, but I really liked him. More than Jordan, more than Tamara, and even more than Savannah. He just, he knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. As soon as he walked away, I missed him. I knew I could just send him a message or something, but I missed being around him."

She wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his arm. "What happened, does he not feel the same way?"

Sighing, he chewed on his cheek. "I tried to find out who he was. He dropped his phone so I figured Penelope could trace whose it was, but it didn't work. I sent him e-mails, but none of them were read. So I decided that I needed to find him anyway possible - I taped up posters around the school asking if anyone had information on who was 'Zorro' at the Halloween party."

"Did it work?"

He shook his head, sighing. "Not even a little bit. Lots of joke calls and texts, but nothing solid. Then nearly two weeks ago, when I thought about giving up, there was a note in my locker that he wanted to meet me face-to-face in the locker room to talk this through."

"...I take it he didn't show up?"

He swallowed. "He did, then the rest of the hockey team did. They set it all up. They hacked into my e-mail, got copies of our conversations, tortured him with them, then beat him up. I walked in after it all happened, and there was nothing I could do." He shook his head. "I saw him for this first time and I knew his eyes. He just looked at me and he was broken. I tried to talk to him, but no words would come out, and he bolted before I could say anything. I yelled at the guys on the hockey team that I wouldn't protect them, but the damage was done and they'd already set up the e-mails to go out to everyone in school with our conversations. I tried to find him but he was gone. It turned out that Penelope had found him and calmed him down from a pretty bad panic attack. He hadn't had one in years, but I indirectly caused one."

She sighed, rubbing his back. "It's not your fault, Derek. You didn't hurt him."

"But I couldn't exactly get there in time to stop it," he argued. "Since then, everything's gone to hell. The e-mails went out, the whole school knows."

"...So they're treating you differently?"

He shook his head again. "That's the thing. I'm still being treated like the same old Derek and the hockey team is their usual selves. It's Spencer who took the hit. He hides his face in crowds, he always has friends walking him to classes so he doesn't get harassed but it still happens, he ducks out of his classes to cry in the bathroom. Even Penelope won't talk to me." He ran a hand over his scalp. "And I guess I just have no clue what I'm supposed to do."

The first thing his mother did was wrap her arms around him, pulling him into a hug and rubbing his back. He leaned his head against her shoulder, sighing. "This sucks."

"From the sound of it, yes it does."

He swallowed. "I don't know what to do and I could really do with some of your expert advice."

"You're not going to like it," she told him, looking down at him.

"I need to hear it."

She patted his back. "First thing's first? You need to get the hockey team disciplined for what they did. You can't let them think that they can hurt people and get away with it. If that means a few people are going to be mad at you? So be it."

He winced, but nodded. "I'll tell the principal as soon as I get to school tomorrow."

"That's my boy. And second?"

He sat up, looking at her. "Second?"

She reached over, putting a hand on his chest. "You need to listen to what you're feeling in here. It's not about your head. You care about this boy and your heart and your head aren't going to be in the same place."

He placed his hand on hers, nodding slightly. "Okay. Anything else?"

She patted his back. "Honestly, I want you to think about what your father would want to see you do. You always worry about making him proud, and I think this would be a great opportunity to show him that you can do the right thing."

He smiled slightly. "You don't think he'd be disappointed, do you?"

She shook her head. "Absolutely not. Your father loved you all very much, and I know if you use the mindset of what would make him happy, he'll be even more proud of you."

He rested his head on her shoulder, sighing. "When did life get so confusing?"

She kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back. "An answer I wish I had for you. But I believe that you can make this right if you set your heart on it."

He nodded, staring at the wall in front of him. Something about telling everything to her and letting her know everything that had been bothering him felt right, and she had always been his greatest therapist.


Spencer

Alone was how he preferred to spend his time now. JJ would drive him to school, and she and Emily felt obligated to protect him as much as they could during the day, but once he got home, he enjoyed alone time. When he had jobs to do outside of the house, he would get them done quickly and efficiently, then spend the rest of his afternoon in his room. He would leave to do things like make dinner or take a shower, but other than that, he liked to pretend the outside world didn't exist. Nobody could hurt him if he didn't let them in, like he had with Derek Morgan.

At school, things hadn't let up and nothing had taken the place of his 'stupidity' to the student body, so it was still fresh on their minds. When he saw members of the hockey team and how smug they were, he wanted more than anything to hit the smiles off of their faces. JJ and Emily eventually got to a point where they couldn't walk him to every single class, so they did the best they could. Unfortunately, people waited for them not to be around to throw insults at him, and he had to keep a straight face.

Some of the faculty had found out about everything that happened, and he'd been called into the principal's office to name his attackers. He told them the truth - he didn't know any names, and could likely identify them if he was shown them, but he highly doubted that they would have a police station line-up for him. If he remembered anything, they wanted him to report back to the office. He agreed, but knew he'd never come back. He'd just stick to his story that he didn't know them, which wasn't a direct lie.

He sat up on his bed, a pillow in his arms, chewing on his cheek and looking down at his bedspread, reaching down and picking off stray threads.

When there was a knock on the door, he raised an eyebrow, checking to see if JJ had texted him. Seeing he had no new messages, he turned toward the door. "Not in the mood, JJ."

The door opened and his mother stepped inside, a plate in her hands. "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not JJ." She sat on the foot of the bed, holding out the plate to him. "Smooth peanut butter and grape jelly, no crusts. It was always your favorite after school snack."

He smiled, setting the pillow down and taking the plate from her. "And you even remembered the animal crackers."

"I've always said a mother knows." She reached out, pushing his hair back. "What's wrong?"

He picked off a piece of the sandwich with his fingers, looking up at her. "Are you having a good day today?"

"Moreso than usual. Doctor Norman seems to have finally found the right combination. I've been out of bed every day this week. If this keeps up, the university may possibly let me teach from home next semester."

He grinned. "I'm happy to hear that."

She played with his hair again. "We're not here to talk about me, so come on, tell me."

He swallowed the piece of his sandwich, grabbing his water bottle and taking a sip. "I did something that was extremely idiotic and uncharacteristic for myself."

She looked at him, curious. "And what was that?"

He cleared his throat. "I fell in love," he said softly, picking off another piece of his sandwich and sighing. "I met someone in my tutoring, we talked, I got to know him, I met him in person, I fell in love with him, we didn't even exchange names. I found a note in my locker telling me he wanted to meet me, I went, he wasn't there, the hockey team was." He bit down on his lip. "I'm sure you can figure the rest out."

"You didn't get hurt cleaning Mrs. Cabot's yard, did you?"

He shook his head slightly. "Just the story I told. I don't have any names for who hurt me, but I do know that he showed up there and didn't say anything. I left, and by the time I got to school the next morning, everyone in the entire school had been sent copies of our conversations. His reputation stayed in tact, and I can barely survive a day without an anxiety attack." His voice cracked. "I'm sorry, Mom."

She sat beside him, rubbing his back. "You have nothing to apologize for, those boys do."

He sniffed, wiping at his eyes. "Dad did always say I'd be screwed up. At least I did somebody proud."

She grabbed his chin, turning it toward her. "Spencer Reid, your father was not right about you. You are an amazing, kind, gentle person and though things may not be how you planned them, you still keep going."

"I blame JJ," he muttered. "She's the one who forced me to go to school every day."

"Smart, I knew I liked that girl," she said, patting his back and smiling. "In the end, Spencer, all I want for you is to be happy. The past few years have been especially trying and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for the two of us. You took any job you could get to be sure we could keep the house and still eat every day. You're extremely selfless, and you have more than earned the chance to be happy."

He eyed her. "So what do I do?"

"You shut down that big old brain of yours up there and listen to what you really want to do in here," she said, motioning toward his chest. "Nobody else deserves happiness more."

"Thanks, Mom."

She patted his back, getting up and pointing to the plate. "Think later. The first thing you need to do is eat. You're too skinny. Finish that and dinner will be ready in a couple of hours. And the Jareaus are out of town tonight, so JJ's coming over."

He smiled, nodding. "Yes, Mom."

After she walked out, he grinned to himself. Sure, his life wasn't going according to plan right now, but with his mother being better, he knew this was a step in the right direction.

When there was a knock on the door a couple of hours later, Spencer opened it to find JJ standing there.

She put up her hands. "I know, I know. You want your space and need your distance right now, and I respect that, but your Mom came over this morning and told my parents she wanted me to come over for dinner since they're going to be out of town and they made the plans without me knowing. If you want me to leave, I will."

He shook his head, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her. "Thank you for sticking by me."

She paused before smiling, hugging him back. "Of course, anything for you." She pulled back. "Are you doing okay?"

He thought it over before giving her an answer. "...Better."

"I'll take it." She stepped inside, closing the door. "What's for dinner, Mrs. Reid?"

"Spencer's favorite - lasagna. Old family recipe."

"Can't wait," JJ said, walking out to the kitchen.

Spencer sighed contentedly to himself, looking out to the kitchen and seeing his mother moving around and talking and smiling again - he'd really missed her smile. At this point in time, maybe he didn't have all of the answers he needed, but tonight was definitely a step in the right direction to find out how to make himself happy.