Hello. Welcome to the humorous and eloquent parody of Pirates of the Carribean, Pirates of the Cocoabean: Curse of the Bad Parody, written and submitted by comcial genius poeismyhero on a sunny Friday afternoon in September. If you recognize this altered quote, then you'll know that I am going to see a performance from said show tonight with my best friend (and silently mouth the words to the music the whole time). This would be a momentous occasion, if not for the two papers I have to work on this weekend (darn you, procrastination!) Anyway, if I don't update on Monday, then you know why.
Just wanted to give a shout-out to MysticNightAngel for submitting the 20th review. It's great to know that my parody is brightening up someone's dull school day (seriously, what a great compliment!) To show my appreciation, I'm sending you magic imaginary cookies! Yay! Not only do these cookies arrive instantly to your doorstep, but they're also any flavor you want them to be! Chocolate chip, macademia nut, even strawberry-flavored, chocolate coated fudge cookies! Yum!
Enough jabbering! I know what you're REALLY here for! And here it is...the latest chappie!
Ext. Interceptor
WILL
When I was a lad, living in England, my mother raised me by herself.
JACK
(Rolls eyes)
That explains a lot.
WILL
After she died, I came out here, looking for my father.
JACK
(Bored to death after hearing WILL'S entire life story)
Is that so?
WILL
My father, Will Turner? At the jail it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help me. Since that's all I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack.
JACK
(Under his breath)
Says you.
WILL
You knew my father.
JACK
(In deep voice with his hands cupped over his mouth)
Luke…I am your father.
WILL
You're not my father! And my name's not Luke!
JACK
Kidding! Gosh, you eunuchs aren't any fun.
WILL
Don't call me that! It hurts my feelings…
JACK
(Continues in an attempt to keep WILL from crying like a baby)
I knew your father. Probably was the only one who called him William. Everyone else called him Bootstrap.
WILL
Bootstrap? Was he a cobbler?
JACK
(Rolls eyes and steers wheel)
He was a pirate, you dummy. You may have your father's looks, but you sure didn't get any of his brains.
WILL
You're wrong! He was a merchant sailor, a respectable man of the law!
JACK
He was a bloody pirate, a scallywag. You should be proud. Pirates are a lot cooler than "merchant sailors."
(Does quote fingers)
WILL
(Pulls out sword)
You did not just do the quote fingers!
JACK
Put it away, Will. You're not man enough to fight me, remember?
WILL
I could have beaten you if you played fair!
JACK
Life's not fair, kiddo. Just like this isn't fair!
(Turns wheel sharply so sail hits WILL and throws him into water)
Now, as I was saying –
(Notices WILL'S disappearance)
Will?
WILL
(Climbs onto deck, soaking wet)
You could have killed me!
JACK
(Helps him onto deck, then turns wheel sharply and strands WILL on sail-thingy again)
I never get tired of that. Now, while you're hanging out there, listen closely. There are only two things you need to know: what a man can do, and what a man can't do.
WILL
(Sarcastic)
Brilliant, Socrates.
JACK
(Ignores him)
For instance, I could let you drown –
WILL
You already tried!
JACK
Shut it!
WILL shuts it.
JACK
Anyway, I could do that, but I can't go into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy?
(Pauses)
Although…
WILL
(Realizes JACK is examining his options)
Give another example, Jack!
JACK
Well, you could accept that your old man was a pirate, or you can't. Personally, I don't give a crap. But pirate blood is in your blood, boy, and you'll have to square away with that someday.
POEISMYHERO
Yay, foreshadowing!
JACK swings wheel the other way and hits POEISMYHERO with another sail-thingy.
POEISMYHERO
(Flying into ocean)
I love you, Jack!
JACK
(Twitches, then turns back to WILL, who, with the turning of the wheel, is now lying on his back on the deck)
So, can you sail under the command of a pirate?
(Flips sword)
Or can't you?
POEISMYHERO
Will did it better.
JACK
Who are you, seriously?!
POEISMYHERO
You didn't see anything…
(Creates misty purple cloud and disappears)
JACK
(Under his breath)
Purple's a stupid color...
POEISMYHERO
(Still disappearing in cloud)
I heard that!
WILL
(Fed up with JACK AND POEISMYHERO'S banter and wants to get away from there as quick as possible)
So, Tortuga?
JACK
(Looks down and grins)
Tortuga.
WILL
(Smiles, then realizes something)
Tortuga? When did we decide on that?
JACK
Right about now.
Ext. Tortuga
PIRATES shoot their guns and get drunk, WENCHES act slutty, etc.
JACK
What do you think, dear William?
WILL
(Notices SOAKED DRUNK)
Truthfully? I feel like the pope at a sex club.
POEISMYHERO
Hey! No quoting Michael Kors!
WILL
You're the one who typed this!
POEISMYHERO
Oh yeah…look, a bug!
(Watches BUG in fascination)
JACK
I tell ya, mate. If every town was like this, no man would ever feel unwanted.
(Notices RED-HEADED SLUT)
Scarlett!
SCARLETT slaps JACK and walks off.
JACK
Not sure I deserved that.
SCARLETT (O.S.)
Yes you did!
JACK
(Turns and notices BLOND-HEADED SLUT)
Giselle!
GISELLE
Who was she?
JACK
Um…my chiropractor?
GISELLE slaps JACK and walks off.
JACK
I might have deserved that.
GOVERNOR SWANN comes out of nowhere and slaps JACK, then walks off. WILL AND POEISMYHERO are freaked out.
JACK
It was one time!
(Pauses)
He has very good rum.
POEISMYHERO
Why would Governor Swann have rum?
JACK
How else do you think he became governor?
Ext. Pig pen
MR. GIBBS
(Sleeping with pigs when splashed with water, waking him up. Turns to pig next to him)
You're not Jessica.
(Notices JACK with bucket of water)
Good heavens, Jack! You know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. It's bad luck!
JACK
Well, fortunately, I know how to counter your annoying superstition. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink, and the man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition by the man who did the waking.
MR. GIBBS
Uh…
JACK
Drink? Proposition?
MR. GIBBS
Oh!
(Gets up)
WILL throws bucket of water at MR. GIBBS.
MR. GIBBS
Blast it, I'm already awake!
WILL
That was for the smell.
MR. GIBBS
What smell?
(Lifts arm and sniffs pit)
Oh, that smell.
(Faints and gets dragged away by WILL and JACK, who have run out of water to throw)
Int. Tavern
PIRATES shoot their guns, get drunk, fight, etc., etc.
JACK
(Makes his way to WILL, who has pulled out an economy size bottle of hand sanitizer)
Keep a sharp eye.
WILL nods his head and pulls out a toy spyglass from his Happy Meal. JACK rolls his eyes and sits down with MR. GIBBS.
MR. GIBBS
Let me guess, we're going to go on an actiony, action movie quest with plot twists to keep the critics happy...and action.
JACK
Maybe...and I'm going after the Black Pearl.
MR. GIBBS AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTERAUNT EXCEPT WILL (who's having too much fun with his toy spyglass to pay attention) spits out their drink in a comedic fashion.
JACK
(Wipes off spit)
I got it all figured out. It's a done deal!
MR. GIBBS
Jack, are you nuts? That ship makes the Hope Diamond look like a blessing!
JACK
Yeah, but I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! All I need is a crew.
MR. GIBBS
Yeah, but Barbossa's an evil, undead skeleton now. Only a fool would try and stop him.
JACK
Then it's a good thing I'm the smartest character in the movie, eh?
MR. GIBBS
Even if that's true, what makes you think Barbossa will give up his ship to you? He led a mutiny against you, remember?
JACK
It's just a matter of having the right leverage...
WILL looks over at JACK, somehow mistaking the word "leverage" for his name. He shrugs and goes back to playing with his toy telescope. MR. GIBBS stares at JACK blankly. JACK motions his head to WILL. MR. GIBBS is confused. JACK motions his head to WILL again. MR. GIBBS is still confused. JACK grabs MR. GIBB'S head and turns it in WILL'S direction. WILL is beating up an extremely forward DRUNK WOMAN with his toy telescope.
MR. GIBBS
The wimp?
JACK
No, the drunk. Yes, the wimp! That is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner. His only child, savvy?
MR. GIBBS
Wow, what a coinkidink!
(Pauses)
Did I just say coinkidink?
POEISMYHERO
Hey, my script, my intentional word mispronunciation!
DRUNK WOMAN is rescued by DRUNK MAN. WILL breathes a sigh of relief and bathes himself in hand sanitizer.
MR. GIBBS
Hmm, this could actually work. Fine, I'll find you a crew. Even if I have to blackmail and pressgang every one of them to join this movie!
JACK
That's the spirit!
JACK hits MR. GIBBS'S mug and both drink in a toast to the surprise summer blockbuster.
