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Things Left Unsaid
Dale's death had badly shaken the group. Their sanctuary of the farm had been breached and even though they had always had someone take watch, it was more of a precaution than a perceived necessity. Now they knew that anytime, a Walker could breach the fences, find a way around them. They had, of course, installed fortification but they still wondered 'Would it be enough?'
Carl was beating himself up about Dale's untimely demise, he knew that it was his fault that Dale was dead. He knew it, but he didn't talk about at first. He was too afraid that the adults would blame him too, that they would take his new shiny gun away, that his mom would never let him out of her sight anymore. He wanted to keep having adventures and when Sophia could walk again, he would take her with him and keep her safe – he would be a real hero, just like his dad.
While the group mourned the death of one of their own, they also knew that time did not stop for them so they kept up with their chores. They were even more meticulous with taking watch now, having decided that at night, two people would take watch instead of only one at the time. How else would they be able to sleep anyway? Rick was also painfully aware that they needed other supplies if they were going to last the winter. They needed clothing and more food because while the farm provided plentiful during growing season, winter would take most of the fresh food from their menus. And with two children, a pregnant woman and plenty of adults to feed, meager food just wouldn't make the cut. Rick talked to Shane and it was decided that the failed run had to be completed and that they would need to make at least two more soon in case they got snow and wouldn't be able to leave then. But Rick also hadn't forgotten how the last run had gone.
Everyone was surprised when Rick, on the evening of Dale's burial, asked Jasmin to go on the supply run the next day with Shane – no one more than the two people involved. Jasmin consented anyway but only Lori saw that Shane's eyes got a malicious glint in them after only a few moments. She hoped that he would get rid of that woman. Lori hadn't forgotten that Jasmin had supposedly left her after the accident and other than simply not liking the woman, she also treated Carl less favorable than she should have. Preferring Sophia over her precious boy, something just had to be wrong with that woman. The constant smoking was another thing she absolutely hated about the tattooed woman. Next on her shit-list was Dixon and then Shane himself had to go, but first he could get rid of the people Lori didn't like. Once these people were gone, only decent people were left in the group and life could finally be nearly as it had been before her husband got shot and the world had subsequently gone to shit.
Lori was wrong about Shane's plan though. In fact, no one would have guessed Shane's plan for the next 24 hours.
After dinner, Jasmin and Daryl once more met up at the small hill that had somehow become their meeting point for smoking after dinner. They sat down next to each other, both looking towards the forest where Dale had died.
After Dale's death, Daryl had marched straight off, only stopping to extract the cigarettes from Jasmin's back pocket – inadvertently grabbing her ass in the process. She hadn't said anything but Daryl was painfully aware of the fact even though he hadn't planned on doing so at that moment. He had only realized what he had done when he had taken the first drag of his cigarette. He had avoided her all day, not knowing how to confront her, how she would react. Illogically, he had missed her; not that he would ever admit that out loud. When she sat down next to him, not a hint of anger in her face, a small weight had lifted off his shoulders. Daryl wasn't exactly sure how she had done it, making him care so much about her in such a short period of time. It had only been a few weeks since they had met. She had sneaked up on him, made him care and he had to admit that he cared about the rest of the group too, hell he even liked Maggie. Before, he would have never stuck around long enough to grow close to people – either him or Merle always fucked up one way or another and the people they had hung out with wanted nothing to do with them anymore. He didn't count Merle's addict friends into that equation, even he knew that he was better than those people. Nevertheless, he didn't know how to deal with his, dare he say it, feelings for her. He knew she deserved better than him, fucked up, good-for-nothing Dixon that he was. And they had other things to worry about anyway.
Jasmin hadn't even thought much about Daryl's ass grab. She knew that he had just wanted the cigarettes, that he had wanted solitude and a smoke to deal with having to shoot Dale. Sure, it was a mercy kill, but that didn't change the fact that he had ended the life of someone he cared about. She had decided to give him space at first. It didn't seem like he was dealing with it all too well though.
"You know you did the right thing, yeah?" she finally broached the subject that was looming between them. "There was no way he would have survived that and you just ended his suffering. His life ended the second that Walker ripped him open."
"It's jus' real hard, people're dying all the damn time." Daryl said after a while.
"You know you can't save them all, right? You're just one man.."
"Wish it was different, that's all."
"You did all you could and you'll continue doing all you can. I've said it before, you're a good man and you try to save everyone but you can't. You can't take that responsibility."
"Don't want to lose no one else, ya know?"
Jasmin moved a bit and rested her head on his shoulder.
"I know. We'll just try our best to keep the group save. I don't know what I would do if something happened to Sophia or Carol or you or Andrea. You've all grown on me." Jasmin said then. "Just.. could you promise me something?"
"What?" Daryl didn't know where she was going and he wasn't sure if he liked her train of thoughts. Deep down, he knew that Jasmin was right, that he did what had to be done. That he helped Dale, it just hurt so much to see everyone around him dying. He had never had other people care about him and now the people who did – at least a little, kept dying and he couldn't keep them save.
"Will you help Carol keep Sophia save? Teach her how to shoot for real and maybe even defend herself with a knife? I'm not asking you to always protect them, just give them the skills to do it themselves and help me keep an eye on them?"
"Yeah, can do that."
"By the way, I still need my box back." Jasmin said after a while, nudging him lightly in the ribs after she sat up again. Daryl handed her the box that he had carried around all day in a pocket of his vest.
"Fact is, we might lose people – both family and friends – but we love them still and never stop caring for them just because they're gone. I think that's what you should do when people die – remember them, keep them with you, in your heart and thoughts because as long as someone still thinks of them, they aren't really gone."
"Damn woman, you a philosopher or somethin'?" Daryl said at last. "I think Merle's still out there somewhere, can feel it. Only Merle can kill Merle and all that."
"Maybe you'll find him one day. Who knows? The world has sure gotten a lot smaller with so little people still alive."
"Maybe. Nothin' I can do 'bout it now. Don't like that yer goin' on that run with that asshole."
"Don't worry, I'm not the main thorn in Shane's side and I don't want to die either so I'll keep my eyes open tomorrow."
"I have to get to watch, I have the first half of night watch with T-Dog soon." Jasmin said after the sun had gone down completely. Daryl got up first and held out his hand out to help her up. Between the two of them, she somehow got so much momentum that she lightly collided with Daryl's chest instead of standing in front of him. They froze looking into each others eyes until Jasmin pushed herself to her toes and closed the small gap between them.
Daryl was shocked by the feeling of her lips on his rather chapped ones at first. He had clearly not anticipated that move. When Jasmin lifted her arms to snake them around his neck, he finally reacted, kissing her back – softly at first, then with growing hunger.
Jasmin thought she was in heaven, kissing him was even better than she had anticipated. She had taken a chance right there, but somehow it had felt exactly right. At least it did until Daryl pulled back abruptly. He shook his head and turned away from her.
"Ya shouldn't be doin' this with me." He said, his back turned.
Jasmin took a step, putting one hand on his shoulder.
"You might think you don't deserve this or that now isn't the time for something like this, whatever this is but you're wrong. If you feel something for me, why shouldn't we just enjoy the time we have together? Who knows what will happen tomorrow or next week? I know you, Daryl. Maybe not everything but I know that you're a good man, I know that you've been through hell but still, you're good! I like you, I care about you so don't push me away."
Daryl shook his head once more without looking at her and then went off.
Jasmin was left standing on the hill, not really knowing what this meant for them. Did he need time? Why had he stopped kissing her in the first place? Were they still friends?
In the end, she went to take over watch without having an answer to any of her questions.
Daryl did not sleep well that night. He was confused and he didn't know how to deal with the situation. She had just kissed him out of the blue. Sure, they were good friends and her touch didn't set him off like nearly everyone else's but kissing, well that was another thing entirely. She was hot, young and a good person but he.. he was old, awkward and undeserving. He had fantasized, he could admit that but he had never thought it was a real possibility. He didn't know why exactly he had stopped kissing Jasmin. He had enjoyed it and he cared about her too. But he had other things to worry about – or at least he knew that he did have other things to worry about. Right now though, somehow getting her to kiss him again was pretty high on his priority list. Still, he wasn't boyfriend material or friends-with-benefits material either. He was just a damned Dixon, trying to survive in the apocalypse. Hell, he just killed Dale, even though it was a mercy killing.. well it didn't change the facts. He liked her though, and now that he had admitted that – even if it was only to himself, he would make sure she really came back from that run with Shane. He wouldn't lose her, not if he could help it.
Daryl had another gun and ammo in his pack by the bike and he had decided that he would give it to Jasmin. That gun was somewhat of a gem, it was reliable and beautiful just like her, he had to admit so it was only suiting that she got it. Jasmin's gun wasn't that good so she wouldn't refuse the newer one. While Daryl thought that, he started looking through his things and the gun was not where it was supposed to be. Someone must have taken it, he realized. He was instantly pissed off – no one took his stuff. Stalking off towards the middle of camp, he started muttering to himself. Those people were unbelievable. Taking his gun, going through his stuff, what was next?
"Ya people better tell me where ma damned gun is!" He shouted at the people already having breakfast. No one said anything, though Carl looked towards his dad. He had told Shane about what happened, who had ratted him out to his dad anyway but his dad had told him to keep the gun.
"Carl has it." Rick said calmly, "And I want him to keep it."
"And I would like ta know how he got it and why ya decided what happens to ma stuff now!" Daryl's accent got heavier as he grew even more agitated. Everyone hoped that Jasmin would come running soon and calm him down because in the last few weeks, she had somehow managed to take the wind out of his anger whenever there was an argument. She was no-where to be seen though so Rick started again.
"He took it, which was wrong but he needs a gun so I told him to keep it when I found out about it."
"He took it an' ya told him ta keep it. The hell? Gimme ma gun, boy before I get it maself!" Daryl threatened.
"Don't you threaten my boy, you stupid redneck-trash. You don't even need it. You have that stupid crossbow!" Lori shouted from where she was standing protectively over Carl. Daryl took a step back as if he had been slapped, he had thought those people cared about him but no one told her to shut up or anything. He couldn't help but wonder where Jasmin was, she wouldn't have allowed Lori to walk all over him, jeez he was going soft, wanting a woman to defend him.
"Give me ma gun, Rick. Get him another one, I don't fuckin' care but that little thief ain't walkin' round with ma gun." Daryl said with finality.
"Give him the stupid gun so he can get out of our faces, Rick." Lori commanded. Rick started moving so he could get the gun when Carol spoke up.
"Don't talk to him like that, Carl shouldn't have taken the gun."
"You mind your own business, you can't even keep your daughter safe!" Lori countered, insulting Carol more than she thought she would.
Rick finally retrieved the gun and gave it to Daryl, who just took off without another word. His morning had gone from mediocre to bad and he just wanted to be alone.
When he reached his tent, he saw something lying in front of his tent that he must have missed when he left it earlier. It was the dark blue metal box which contained Jasmin's cigarettes.. Daryl's mind immediately jumped back to a conversation they once had – "How about if I ever leave camp, I will leave some cigs for you, huh?" she had said. No.. she wouldn't just have left, would she? He ran to her tent, going in without so much as making his presence known and sure enough, her backpack and all her things were gone. He stood frozen for only a moment before storming toward Carol and Sophia, barking out, " You talk to her?"
"Talk to who?", was Carol's rather surprised answer.
"Jasmin." He spat.
"Um, no. Why? Haven't seen her since yesterday evening."
"Don't expect to see her no more, she's gone." He spat once more, feeling more betrayed than he had in a very long time. How could she just up and leave when she had said that she cared for him, for the others? She was worse than everyone else who had ever let him down. She had made him hope and then she had crushed it. He wanted to hurt her like she had hurt him, he was livid. He barely even registered that Sophia and Carol were asking him questions.
In the end, he just stalked into the forest, leaving a flabbergasted group behind. Why had she left? What had happened? Why hadn't she told anyone she was leaving? They would have given her some supplies so she would have made it for at least a few days if she had insisted on going after they tried to keep her there, but she hadn't given them a chance to do either of that. She had just up and left, betrayed them and now Rick knew that he had to make the run with Shane instead. It was exactly what he had been trying to avoid.
Shane was driving, gloating internally. His plan was coming along perfectly – he had already gotten rid of that stupid bitch Jasmin, making everyone think she had walked away on her own volition, even the stupid redneck. He had wanted to do a victory dance when he saw the hillbilly's face when he found the box. Ha, good thing Shane had heard that conversation. They made it too easy to fool them, he had even been assigned to be on watch the same time she had been so getting rid of her had been even easier than he had originally thought. If everything went along to plan, she was already dead. And now, he would get rid of Rick and then, nothing would stand between him, Lori, Carl and the baby.
He stopped the car in the middle of nowhere, telling Rick to exit the car at gunpoint. Now was his moment, now Lori would be his again, finally.
What Shane had forgotten in his elation, was that Rick also carried a gun. They stood on opposite sides of the car when Shane revealed his plan and what he had already done to Rick. He couldn't believe that his best friend was capable of planning such things. Leaving Jasmin to be killed by Walkers, not once but twice, wanting to kill him just so he had another shot at his wife.. He had hoped that somehow they could work out whatever it was that made Shane want to kill him. Now he knew that there was no way that would be accomplished. It was him or Shane now, only one of them would walk away from this.
Shane was still going on and on about how Rick should have just stayed dead or away and nothing would have happened when Rick decided that he would not die for Shane, not like this. He raised his gun and aimed through the still open doors. The shot rang out and just a second later, Shane was on the ground, bleeding out rapidly.
"You were my brother." Rick said, not quite believing that he had actually just killed his best friend since school. When Shane's chest moved no more, he got into the car and drove the short trip back to camp. Shane had only driven for about 5 minutes after leaving the farm, obviously not wanting to wait any longer.
When Rick arrived back at the farm, he was instantly off to find Daryl. They had to go look for Jasmin, maybe she was still alive. Rick felt so bad that he had just believed that the woman would just leave them – not once but twice now. Without even talking to anyone other than Andrea to tell her that she would have to keep watch, he went to Daryl's tent, dragging the man out of it.
"You have to help me track Shane's tracks in the forest." Rick commanded.
"Do it yerself or ask Shane himself ta do it." Daryl was still pissed at Rick for what had transpired earlier.
"You have to help me find Jasmin, Shane.. well he's dead and took her into the woods last night."
"He WHAT?!"
"Let's go, Daryl! Every second counts here!" Rick commanded.
With that, they were off. While they were walking, Daryl soon tracking Shane's steps back, Rick told Daryl what Shane had done. To say that Daryl was pissed would be an understatement, he was positively livid. Not only did he want to kill Shane all over again, he also wanted to kick himself. Now that he was thinking straight again, he realized how stupid he had been, thinking she had just up and left just because he had reacted badly. And to think that he had believed that she would leave her box behind – sure she had said that she would leave him cigarettes, but never had she said that she would give him the box, a box that meant a lot to her because it was a token of her sister. He remembered the story with clarity.
"Tell me somethin' 'bout yer sister." Daryl had often wondered about their bond, especially since he knew that Jasmin and her brothers hadn't gotten along very well. In fact he knew very little of her life before she had moved to that city where she studied.
"We were four years apart in age but it meant little because we were so similar. Not in looks or behavior really, but in things we cared about, how we dealt with things. And she was the only good thing I had at home. I told you that my mother and I.. well we didn't get along is one way of putting it but really, she hated me. I never knew what it was that I did to warrant that but she did and she let me know what she thought about me. I always told myself that she had a psychological problem because she would treat me like dirt and love my siblings with all her heart. She wasn't a bad mother for them but somehow, I never got the same treatment."
Daryl's whole posture had tensed while Jasmin talked and she caught on quickly, guessing what had him so tense.
"It wasn't like that, she'd push me around a bit, but other than that, it was all non-violent. She'd never get me anything for my birthday, I wouldn't get sweets, that sort of thing when I was younger, later she would make it her goal of the day to at least scream at me for one hour. By the time I was twelve, I had a problem with self-harm and I was in the wrong crowd. Still, my sister stood by me as best as she could. She'd sneak me some of her chocolate, save me something for dinner when I was out again not wanting to come home. She was the only one that knew what I went through and gave a damn. It hurt her, to see the way things were and in the end, I think it's because of what she knew I already went through and then seeing what I had to go through once more, that drove her over the edge. That box.. she told my mother she wanted it but the truth was, she knew I wanted it. It's the only thing I have left of her and I will have it 'til the day I die."
During Jasmin's story, Daryl didn't really know what to do – he had wanted to hear a happy story about how she had played some silly game with her sister while she was younger, something to make him feel better. Better about the world, about what the world had become now but he should have known better. There wasn't much good in the world and somehow both him and Jasmin had never had much of that little good for themselves.
Jasmin huffed then and said, as if that would explain everything, "My sister loved me and I will never stop loving her."
He hadn't thought about this when he was raging about her leaving him. Now he just hoped that they weren't too late. He'd never forgive himself if she was dead just because he hadn't really thought this through.
They continued following Shane's trail through the forest until they came to the ravine that Daryl had fallen down when he had been looking for Sophia. There she was, fighting off a Walker with only her legs as her arms were bound to the tree behind her. Daryl aimed and shot the Walker in the head. It nearly fell on top of her but she sidestepped it.
"Where is that sonofabitch? I will kill him!" She raged as the men jogged toward her.
"You okay?" Daryl asked as soon as they reached her.
"Yeah. It's mainly my pride that is hurt. And maybe my head. I'm lucky you came when you did. I wouldn't have been able to fight it off much longer."
"Shane's no longer a problem." Rick told Jasmin.
"How so? You got him under control or what?" She griped sarcastically.
"He's dead."
"Oh.. sorry. How?"
"I'll tell the group later, let's just get back now. The others will wonder what is going on." Rick decided.
They started the trek back to the farm, walking as fast as possible.
"What took you so long, anyway? It's got to be late afternoon at least. I thought you can track better than that." Jasmin said to Daryl.
He looked at the forest's floor for a while, then reached into his pocket and handed her the box, saying, "Found this in front of my tent, thought you's left." His voice sounded as miserable as he felt.
"That asshole must have been listening to our conversations, huh?" Anger was evident in her voice as she answered.
"Seems like it.." Daryl trailed off.
They soon arrived back at the farm where Rick got the group and Hershel together and told them of what had transpired when he had left for the run with Shane and what he had done previously. Everyone was quite shocked and Hershel shocked them even more when he told them that they could move into the house with him and his family so that they all would be safer. It was decided that they would pack up their stuff that evening and move into the house the next morning. After that, everyone went to work, not wanting to lose the little light they had left.
When they were all done, darkness had fallen. They left only what they needed for the night in their tents and Jasmin and Daryl walked to their hill once more, intending to talk about what had happened the night before.
After a moment of silence, Jasmin asked, "Hey.. we okay?" while touching his shoulder.
He turned his head then, looking her in the eye for the first time since they had freed her from the rope that bound her to the tree.
"Yeah, just.. not used to this, ya know?" He admitted and looked toward the forest. Just as Jasmin wanted to say something, he exclaimed, "Shit! C'mon, gotta get to the others and get the hell outta here!" She looked in the direction he had been looking at and understood immediately why he was so worried: hundreds of Walkers were coming right at the farm.
They ran back to the others as fast as they could, alerting everyone to the threat. What ensued can easily be described as pure chaos. Everyone was trying to get the last of their things into the cars and then themselves into them. Jasmin ran to help Carol carry Sophia to one of the cars, only to be distracted by Beth screaming. She ran toward the sound and that was the last Carol saw of her.
In the end, the group was separated only to be reunited at the highway where they had first lost Sophia.
"Where's the rest of us?" Daryl asked as he observed that several members of both groups were missing.
"Jimmy and Patricia were killed by Walkers, I saw it." Beth cried and was consoled by her father and sister, who were still hugging her after they were reunited.
"Jasmin ran to help Beth after helping me with Sophia." Carol said, then.
"Did anyone see her after that?" Rick asked. No one answered.
"Andrea helped me get Carl into the car, then we were full and she ran for another vehicle, that's all I know." Lori said. Again, no one said anything after that. No one knew what had happened to the two women. They could be dead or alive, for now at least.
"Did no one see them?" Carol asked.
"I wanna go back." Daryl declared without hesitation.
"No" Rick said as Daryl mounted his bike.
"We can't just leave 'em." Daryl said, set on going after them.
"We don't even know if they're there." Lori said.
"They aren't there, they aren't. They're either somewhere else or they're dead. There's no way to find them." Rick added.
"So we aren't even going to look for them?" Glenn asked incredulously.
"I'ma go look for 'em." Daryl once more said. "No way I'm leavin' her behind once more.. them, I mean."
"We gotta keep moving, head east!" Rick was in Daryl's face, wanting him to just do as he said.
"I ain't gonna leave 'em behind. I'ma go look for 'em and ya ain't stoppin' me. Ya can either wait 'ere or leave me behind as well. Yer choice."
"If Daryl's leaving, we are too." Carol declared, she had learned that she could count on Daryl, the others had already given up on finding Sophia when Daryl went out again.
What Daryl didn't know then was that the only thing he would find when he went looking would be a dark blue metal box that had been trampled on repeatedly, leaving it dented and dusty.
Wow, longest chapter so far.
So, we're saying goodbye to Jasmin for now. I'm not sure how long it's going to take until her fate is revealed. The next chapter should be pretty angsty though. :)
