Bring Me Down

If you would only stay gone, maybe I could move on

After I sent the message I stared at my phone for a moment, wondering what had possessed me to send it. It wasn't like the message was a confession of love or anything, but I regretted that it was midnight and Duncan would now know I was thinking of him. And that I thought he would care that I was engaged. I put the phone down, I didn't really expect a reply. He was probably asleep with Gwen in his arms. But surprisingly, after only a few seconds, my phone buzzed with a message from him.

Congratulations.

Was that it? I sighed. I don't know why I was disappointed when I hadn't even expected him to reply at all. There was nothing for me to say to his congratulations so I put my phone down again, but a second later I got another message.

I mean, I assume you're happy about it.

Was it my imagination, or did he actually care? I hesitated, my thumbs hovering over the keypad. Should I reply honestly?

I don't know yet.

His response was quick.

Is he there now?

No.

A second later my phone started ringing, with Duncan's name on the screen.

"Why are you calling me?" I asked.

"I hate texting."

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Shouldn't you?" Duncan retorted. I said nothing, waiting for him to tell me why he was calling. "Are you busy tomorrow night?"

"I guess not. Why?" I asked.

"You should come over after you finish work. I put Ariel to bed at eight, you could come round after that," Duncan suggested.

"I'm still mad at you," I told him.

"And I'm still mad at you."

"What about Gwen?" I reminded him.

"She won't be here," Duncan said.

"Fine," I agreed after a moment. God knows why. Alright maybe I did know why. I wanted to see him, ridiculous as it was. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

We both hung up and I turned off the radio. Scott arrived home half an hour later, and I pretended to be asleep.

The next day at work I was nervous all day. I couldn't decide if I should actually go and see Duncan or not. I told him I would, but that was in the middle of the night when I was feeling vulnerable. And, like I'd said before, I didn't owe him anything. I wouldn't feel bad if I just stood him up, it was what he deserved after all. I felt like I should stand him up. That was what the logical part of me said I should do. But I really did want to see him.

At 8pm when everyone else had gone home, I started packing up my stuff, still not sure if I was going to go to Duncan's place or not. I did know that if I was going to go, I wasn't going to be on time. I didn't want to seem eager. So I packed up slowly, then I went to the bathroom. I fixed my hair in the mirror, re-pinning all the loose strands, before deciding to take them all out altogether and wear it loose. I touched up my make up and undid a couple of buttons on my shirt. Ugh, what was I doing? I shouldn't go. I hated Duncan.

But I did go. I drove to the address he had messaged me, an apartment block not too far from his work, and pressed the button of the number of his apartment. He buzzed me up without saying a word. I guess he wasn't expecting anyone else tonight. I walked upstairs and knocked on the door, butterflies filling my stomach as I waited for him to open it. My heart did a flip in my chest when I finally saw him and I knew I was in trouble. His hair and clothes were a mess, but looked great anyway. He grinned when he saw me and gestured for me to come in.

"You actually came," he observed. "I was expecting you to stand me up."

"Believe me, I seriously considered it," I responded shrewdly. He just smirked and closed the door behind me.

"Have you eaten?" he asked, heading into the kitchen.

"No actually," I said, realising how hungry I was.

"I've got some lasagne left over, do you want some?" he offered.

"Sure."

I snooped around his living room while he heated up the lasagne. It was a pretty nice place, but I guessed that was Gwen's doing, not Duncan's. There wasn't many pictures around the place, just one of Duncan, Gwen and Ariel, where Ariel was in the middle and both her parents were holding her hands. There was even a bookshelf, which I thought was weird since I didn't think either Gwen or Duncan were big on reading books, but on closer inspection they were mostly children's books, most likely read to Ariel by one of her parents.

Duncan came in and handed me a plate of lasagne, then sat beside me on the couch.

"Did you make this or did Gwen?" I asked suspiciously as I bit into it. It was really good and I was under the impression that neither Gwen nor Duncan could cook very well. Much like myself as it turned out.

"Courtney…" Duncan said slowly.

"Mmm?"

"There's something you should know about Gwen…" he hesitated, like he was nervous to tell me or something.

"What is it?" I asked worriedly.

"She's… a terrible cook," he said finally, grinning as he said it. I rolled my eyes and punched him in the arm.

"You idiot! I thought you were going to say she died or something horrible like that," I huffed.

"Would you really care if she did?" Duncan raised an eyebrow.

"Of course I'd care! I'm not that heartless," I scoffed.

"Sure you aren't," Duncan snorted.

"I'm not!" I insisted. "You're the heartless one!"

"Despite countless years trying to deny it, I actually do have a heart," Duncan said forcefully.

"Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it?" I snapped, narrowing my eyes. Duncan immediately grabbed my hand and pulled it to his chest, allowing me to feel his rapid heartbeat. My own heart was beating just as fast, the simple contact of his hand over mine on his chest feeling more intimate than anything Scott and I had ever done. I found myself hoping he wouldn't let go. "Do you believe me now?" he whispered, leaning in close.

"In the face of such evidence I suppose I have to," I replied, surprised I could form a coherent sentence with the way I was feeling. Duncan finally let go of my hand.

"You want to watch a movie?" he asked. I nodded in response. "What do you want to watch?"

"You're actually asking me?" I questioned, surprised. We used to fight over what movie to watch all the time, neither of us wanted to watch whatever lame movie the other wanted.

"Doesn't mean I'll agree," Duncan smirked. I rolled my eyes at him.

"I don't care… as long as it's nothing romantic," I said. Watching romantic movies was something you made your boyfriend do (or fiancé), not something you did with your ex who you were trying very hard (but not succeeding) to crush your feelings for.

"Thank god for that," Duncan said in relief. He opened the cabinet next to the TV to reveal an extensive collection of DVDs. Figures, all the illegal shit he's done in his life, but he actually buys DVDs. He put in a movie called "Now You See Me" which he apparently hadn't seen yet, and neither had I. He poured us both a glass of wine before turning off the lights and returning to the couch next to me. I may have been imagining it, but it seemed like he was sitting a lot closer than before.

Luckily the movie was compelling and I got caught up in the story, forgetting that it was Duncan who was next to me. Although, when something dramatic happened, I forgot a little too much, and I gripped Duncan's thigh, digging my fingernails in, watching the car chase, hoping the guy would get away. Duncan brought me back to reality by slipping his hand over mine and interlocking his fingers with mine, so that I would loosen my grip.

"Oh, sorry," I blushed.

"It's fine," he laughed. "You're stronger than you realise." He went back to watching the movie but he didn't let go of my hand this time and I didn't pull away. Instead I rested my head against his shoulder and pulled my feet up onto the couch, snuggling up to him. It felt kind of natural to be with Duncan, as well as kind of exciting, knowing now, from the way his thumb brushed over my hand, and the way he leant his head against mine, that he wanted to be with me too. Not "be with" in the sense of a relationship, but just in the sense of enjoying the closeness of the other person.

The movie was over too soon and I knew I had to go, before this went any further, no matter how much I might want it to. I had a fiancé to go home to, and I knew he would be upset had he known where I was, though technically I'd done nothing wrong so far, right?

I stood up and Duncan walked me to the door, not bothering to turn the lights back on.

"Come again tomorrow?" he asked as we stood by the door in the dark.

"I don't know Duncan…" I said reluctantly.

"Well, I'll be here," he said. I nodded and we looked at each other in silence for a moment. I thought he might kiss me, but instead he just shook my hand awkwardly. "Bye," he said, ushering me out the door. I frowned at him questioningly, wondering why he was suddenly so eager to get rid of me. "Don't want to do anything you might regret," he shrugged, closing the door.

I turned away and began walking down the hallway to the lift. I drove home to Scott, who was already asleep by the time I crawled into bed next to him. I reminded myself I had nothing to feel guilty about. So Duncan and I had held hands, big deal. Nothing was going to come of it. We both had fiancés, and we were both responsible adults who could hang out and watch movies together without something… untoward happening. We were far more likely to get into an argument than anything else.

My feelings were irrelevant and not something I could control anyway. Scott need never know I wanted to kiss Duncan, as long as I never actually did it. And he ever found out that I'd seen Duncan and not told him about it… well I was sure I could talk my way out of it, but I would deal with that if it ever happened.

I closed my eyes, thinking about the last thing he said to me.

Don't want to do anything you might regret. He must have been thinking the same things as me. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, surely. But he knew he'd regret it if he messed it up with Gwen again. Which made me wonder why he was even bothering with me. If Gwen found out we'd been hanging out, surely she'd be upset about it, whether or not we'd done anything worse than hold hands. It wasn't likely she'd believe it anyway, considering how she and Duncan got together in the first place. So wasn't he already doing things he might regret?

That's when it occurred to me, he hadn't said he didn't want to do anything he'd regret. Don't want to do anything you might regret. You. As in me. He didn't want to do anything I might regret. Did that mean if something happened between us he wouldn't regret it? Was he more concerned for how I might suffer for it than for his own relationship with Gwen? Or was it just a phrase, a misplaced word that I was reading too much in to, and he had meant to say we and not you.

Regardless, I found myself imagining what might happen the next time I went to Duncan's. For I had no doubt now that I would go again. And as long as nothing I imagined actually happened, I wasn't being unfaithful, right?


Note: Ok but seriously guys what do you think Courtney should do... Duncan or Scott or neither... because I can't decide.