Chapter 6 - Recalling the Past
12:35 A.M. March 31st, 2051.
Tokyo-3, Japan.
Dr. Katashi shuffled a bit in his chair, leaning forward, interested in what I had to say.
"Well, you see, I never really knew my father until about a year ago."
"That's very unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear that, but, would you be bothered if I asked why?"
"Not really. I don't remember exactly what happened because I was so young, but I'll try." I paused for a moment. "My father left me when I was about four. He abandoned me with my teacher. I had seen him very little before that. He was always away somewhere, presumable at his work now that I think back to it. He only brought me there once, and it was really my mother who did that."
"You haven't mentioned your mother until now. Why is that?"
"She's dead. She died the day she took me to father's work." Dr. Katashi could tell that I was trying to hold back tears.
"Wow, Shinji, I didn't realize you had such a traumatic childhood. No child should have to endure growing up without parental figures. I can tell that these memories are very painful for you to remember. You don't have to continue if you don't want to."
"No, it's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Alright, just remember, you can stop at any time. I'm not forcing you to do anything."
"Okay. Well, I didn't see my father again for eight years after my mother died."
"What happened then?"
"We both went to mother's grave that day. He didn't say anything to me. I'm not even sure why they have that stupid grave, it's not like there was a body to bury."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I don't know exactly. I was too young to remember what happened to my mother. My father said that there was nobody; she just vanished."
"I see. This must have really impacted you."
"Maybe."
"I think it has more than you think, but we'll get into that later. Anyways, when was the next time you saw your father?"
"That was about two years later, ten years since he abandoned me. I got an envelope in the mail from this place called Nerv. It had a bunch of paperwork in it and a letter requesting my presence. That was early last year." I paused for a moment. "The city was under lockdown, so my teacher couldn't gain access to the heart of the city where I was supposed to be dropped off. However, the documents I was given somehow granted me access, so I had to enter the city alone. I walked down to the meeting point, where Misato was supposed to pick me up."
"You mean your guardian, Ms. Katsuragi, correct?"
"Yeah, she was supposed to meet me, but she wasn't there. In fact, no one was there. The place was completely empty and sirens were blaring everywhere. I was a little nervous, so I decided to go to a payphone and see if I could contact any of the numbers that were on the sheets I had, but the phones were down. I turned around and next thing I knew I could have sworn I saw Rei."
"Rei? Who is Rei?"
"Oh, she's one of the other Eva pilots."
"Did you know her before this?"
"No, sir."
"I see. Go on." Dr. Katashi insisted, interesting in where this was going and wanting to know more. He didn't want to scramble my delicate train of thought with his insignificant questions, but he couldn't help it. My story was so interesting.
"It must have been a mirage or something, because she was gone when I blinked."
"Interesting." Dr. Katashi said, unable to hold himself back from asking a question. "Do you remember what the conditions were that day? Was it sunny, rainy, cloudy, that sort of thing?"
"It was a pretty nice day, warm and sunny and all."
"Was it hot?"
"Not super hot, but I guess it was a little hot."
"I see. Go on."
"Well, after I thought I saw Rei, this helicopter thing crashed down right in front of me, and then this huge grey foot came out of nowhere and crushes the thing in a big explosion. I was knocked flat on my back."
"I would assume this was the Angel."
"Yes, that was my first look at an Angel, and I hope I never have to get that close to one of them ever again."
"I can see why. They seem terrifying."
"They are."
"I bet, and you would know best. But enough my rambling, go on."
"Before I could get up, this blue car swung by and Misato opened the door and expected me to get in. I didn't know her back then so it was a little weird. First meeting someone and having them demand that you get into a car during a monster attack doesn't make for a good first impression."
"Indeed, and first impressions are very important. Anyways, go on."
"I didn't really have much of a choice but to get in. She sort of looked like the woman in the photo that was given to me in the envelope for reference, but she had glasses on, so I couldn't really tell. Plus, I was pretty freaked out by the whole Angel thing. I didn't even know what it was back then. Anyway, we got to a safe distance, but then Misato decided to stop and watch. Apparently, whoever was in charge of getting rid of this thing, probably the Japanese Self-Defense Force now that I think about it, decided to drop a bomb on the Angel or something like that and the blast knocked our car right off the road. We had to flip it back onto its wheels so we could drive off. Misato took me to a gas station to get some spare batteries and some tape for her car, then we finally went to Nerv. I asked her if she would get in trouble for stealing the batteries, but she said she had authority to do something like that under those circumstances. I didn't really believe her story, but I wasn't about to question it either. When we finally got to Nerv, we were lowered down to the secret base under the city. It was a beautiful sight, actually. I couldn't help but take in—"
"Sorry to interrupt you, Shinji, but could you get to the details about your father. Those are the ones that are truly important." Dr. Katashi interrupted.
"Okay then, when we got down to Nerv, I was introduced to the Eva by Ritsuko, head scientists at Nerv. It was then that I saw him. He was looming over the scene like a crackling puppet master. He asked me to get in the Eva, but I didn't want to. It was the first time I had ever seen the thing and he expected me to pilot it and fight the Angel I just barely escape. It was crazy!"
"Your father does seem a bit lacking in common sense. Either that or timing, or both."
"He's lacking in a lot of areas."
"I can tell you don't feel very good about him."
"No, I don't. He betrayed me."
"Oh, how so?"
"He keeps asking me to get in that damn Eva, and whenever I get into that horrible thing, someone I care about gets hurt!"
"Then why do you do it, Shinji? Why would you do something you hate?"
"Because, because when I pilot, people respect me. They praise me for piloting Eva. Without Eva, I'm nothing…" That last statement hit me hard. I started to tear up a bit when I said it, just now realizing everything that I had said and what it meant. I tried to hold back, like is was embarrassing, but I couldn't.
"It's alright, Shinji, just let it out. I'm here for you. You'll feel better once you've expressed yourself." Dr. Katashi insisted calmly. I took a few moments to rub my eyes and calm down before I spoke again.
"Without Eva, I'm nothing…"
"Now, Shinji, you shouldn't say things like that. If you keep talking negatively to yourself, soon or later you'll start believing it, if you don't already. Listen, Shinji, you're not a nobody without the Eva. You can be whatever you want; you can chose your own destiny. You shouldn't let the opinions or the decisions of others dictate your life. If you don't like piloting the Eva, then don't. If your friends look down on you for that, then they aren't your true friends. A true friend would stick by you and respect your wishes and your decisions. I can imagine that piloting the Eva is a tough job. You hold the weight of the world on your shoulders and you're forced to fight giant monsters you don't even understand. No one could possibly understand the hardships you've gone through, because none of them have had a similar experience. You are unique, you are special, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Shinji, you do what you want to do. Don't let others drag you down. Be free, Shinji, be free." I didn't know what to say. What the doctor said, it made sense, but I had never done something like that before. It was a new concept for me, something fresh, something bold, something better. I couldn't speak.
"Shinji? Is everything alright."
"Hiroto, I need help."
"I know, Shinji, and it's okay. Sometimes accepting that we need help and taking it is the best thing we can do. There is no shame in asking for help. That's what I'm here for."
"No, I really need help."
"You have no self-confidence, Shinji, I know. Your actions, emotions, even your mood is based entirely on those around you and what they think of you. If you want to get better, we have to fix this. We need to make you more intrinsic and not so extrinsic. You know what those two words mean, correct?"
"Not exactly."
"Extrinsic means that you take in what others say very seriously and care about their thoughts more than yours. People who are extrinsic need others to say that they did a good job. They don't give credibility to their own opinion. You are very much like that, Shinji, and, sadly, it's not a good thing. Taking in the feedback of others is fine, but not when you use it to shape your entire life. You live your own life, and people's opinions shouldn't make you change into someone you're not. If piloting Eva is a horrible experience for you, you have to stop doing it. You shouldn't let the fact that others praise you for it cloud your judgement. Praise is nice, but your well-being is what matters most, and you're not well."
"Can you fix me, Hiroto?"
"I believe I can. In fact, I just finished with a patient who has a similar problem to yours. It's not as extreme, but it's similar, and I think I can cure you just as I cured him, per say. I have a treatment specifically for people who have no self-confidence. It's a long, multi-step process that'll take time and effort on your part, but if you embrace what I am trying to do, stick with it, and try to make a difference, you will change Shinji, that I can assure you. You will change for the better, and when you do, you're going to be a fine young man, I can see it in you already!" Dr. Katashi glanced down briefly at his watch and he noticed that their time was over, "Oh my, look at the time! Well, it looks like we're going to have to finish this conversation at a later date." Dr. Katashi got up and opened the door. Misato, upon hearing the squeak of the door, instantaneously, almost as if on instinct, put down the magazine she was reading and got up to see how I was.
"Thank you for your time, Hiroto." I said to the doctor as he shook my hand at the door.
"It was my pleasure, Shinji. You did a great job today. We'll work on getting your confidence up next time. Ms. Katsuragi can schedule your next appointment with Stephanie at the counter… assuming you don't run off again!"
"How did you know about that?" Dr. Katashi made a gesture with his head towards Misato. I turned and looked at her with a bit of a pout.
"Misato!"
"It was an important detail! He had to know, Shinji!" Misato replied defensively.
"It's alright, Shinji," Dr. Katashi assured me, "it was a joke. I know that's in the past. You're a new person now, and I'm going to help mold you into the best person you can possibly be! I see great potential in you, Shinji, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!" The doctor's words really made me feel special. For the first time in quite a while, I smiled.
"That's my boy!" Dr. Katashi shouted in excitement, "Smile, be happy! Every day is a good day! You're on the road to success already! Alright, well, I'll see you next time." With that, Dr. Katashi returned to his office. Misato approached the desk and spoke with Stephanie about their next appointment. In a few minutes, she was done and she prompted me to the car. We exited the doctor's office and walked to her vehicle. We opened our respective doors and entered slowly. Misato sat down, relieved, as if the office made her uncomfortable.
"So, Shinji, what did you guys talk about."
"Hiroto said that I have confidence issues, and that he can fix me."
"That's good. Do you like him?"
"Yeah, he's a really nice guy. Super supportive."
"Glad to hear it! I hope he can really help fix this problem of yours." Misato paused for a moment, "You know I want the best for you, Shinji, right?" Misato said motherly.
"Yes, I know, Misato." I said, as if replying to an overprotective mother.
"Good!" Misato said as she perked up a smile and ruffled up my hair again, "Now let's get you home, I'm starving!" Misato said, sort of kidding.
"Is that all you think about, Misato?"
"It's good to have you back, Shinji. I missed you."
