==Warnings: Depictions of alcohol abuse, prescription medication abuse, marijuana use, non-consensual sex, date-rape, panic attacks, depression and thoughts of suicide. If any of these are triggers, please do not read.==
"There are trace amounts of GHB in his blood, that much we are certain. The anal fissure is not severe in itself and will not require surgery. Blood works also showed no STD's and other than the trauma and fatigue, he's healthy." The doctor explained to him. "He's lucky you found him Mr. Hendricks, there was a high possibility he could have developed an infection." She stepped closer to him, "he's going to need therapy, a lot of men have problems trying to deal with what happened to them."
He nodded, though he couldn't believe this had happened. The guilt of not being there for Cas was tearing him up. If he only had checked his phone, he could have stopped this from happening. "Is there anything he needs?"
"Company, keep an eye on him. He'll heal and I'll give you instructions on what to feed him and to alleviate the pain. The pain should be gone in a couple of weeks, but the GHB might have some side effects like dizziness and diarrhea. Otherwise, we can release him today. After the police come of course."
"Yeah…the police." he was not looking forward to dealing with them. Preferably, he wanted to hunt the bastard down himself.
"Sadly, I don' t think they'll be much help. There wasn't much…evidence, and he has retrograde amnesia. He can't recall anything from anything before yesterday afternoon." She placed a hand on his shoulder, "he's going to need your support. He said you're the only friend he has since he has no family." She patted his shoulder and took her hand away. "You can see him now if you like."
"Thanks doc." he replied quietly. Slowly he walked over to the door where Cas was and stopped to collect himself. He should be the last person to talk to anyone about this. His ethic was to work through the pain, no matter what. In Hell he had been violated in so many ways, but he couldn't remember details, it was blurred like it was walled away. Cas might have had a hand in that, and he privately thanked the angel for that.
He couldn't do the same for him though. Cas as just as human as he was. While he was lying about in an alcohol induced stupor, Cas was out on the streets. In the cold with no help, no direction, no nothing. Yes he was mourning Sam, but that was still no excuse. He had only himself to blame for letting his best friend get raped and get dumped on the side of the road like trash.
Taking a deep breath, he entered the small room. Cas was lying on his stomach to relieve the pain, so he couldn't tell if the man was awake or not. "Cas?" he asked cautiously. He saw Cas tense up and tried to look back to see him.
"Dean." he said in a defeated voice that broke him to heat. "Are you doing ok?"
The man was in a hospital after being suffering an attack and he asks if he was doing ok. "I should be asking you that Cas." He walked over to the chair and pulled it up to the bed so Cas wouldn't have to strain his neck.
"I believe that evidence speaks for itself Dean. We are in a hospital since I am…damaged." Cas hung his head before lying it down on the pillow. "They tell me that I will heal in time and that I was not infected with anything. Supposedly, that is lucky." There was a bitterness now in his voice. "It is…frustrating, not remembering what happened."
"Yeah…but do you want to remember Cas?" he asked looking at him. Cas avoided contact with his eyes.
"I suppose not." now Cas looked at him, "I'm sorry Dean."
"What? What could you be sorry for Cas?" he asked surprised with a bit of worry.
"If it wasn't for me, Sam would still be here. All the angels would still be in Heaven and none of this would have happened."
He didn't want to say it, but he wanted to agree with Cas. If he hadn't pulled Dean to do his own mission, Sam might be alive. On the other hand, if he hadn't, they would have never known the trials would have killed Sam. It was easier to blame himself or Cas for what happened that night, but the truth was, there was no one to blame. And that made him angry, because it was unfair. If there was no one to blame, there was no one to hurt, to seek revenge on, to vent out on.
"Cas, it isn't your fault. Nothing could've saved Sam." he said softly, for himself as much for his friend.
"But Dean…I deserve to have this happen to me. Not just Sam, but what I did in heaven, for letting the leviathans outs, for breaking Sam's wall, losing your trust. I…this is my punishment."
"Bullshit Cas! Yeah you did stupid things back then, but I've long since forgiven you. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to be…to have done to them what you went through. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help you when you needed me man. This…" he said looking around the room, "this is on me. If I wasn't trying to drown myself in whiskey, I could have gotten you the first time you called." He took Cas's hand, "Cas, you're the only friend and family member I got left. I need you." A tear rolled down his cheek, "I'm so sorry man." He rested his head on the side of the bed, so Cas wouldn't see him tearing up, because he damned near lost him too.
There was silence for a moment before he felt Cas's shaking hand on his head. "Dean, it's ok. We're still here. I'll be…ok."
He was discharged later in the day. Claiming his ID was taken, he gave them a fake social security and filed the police report as best he could. The officer was compassionate and assured him they'll do all they can, but was honest enough to admit that there was little chance they can find who did this. Frankly, he didn't care nor did he want to remember who did this to him. All he wanted was to sleep and forget that this all happened.
The damage was not extensive and he should heal fine on his own, but they prescribed him some ointment and pills nonetheless. They also gave him a list of foods to avoid and encouraged him to eat plenty of fiber. Dean insisted on a wheelchair and wheeled him out to the Impala. Once he was in the car, he felt comfortable because this was familiar. More importantly, he felt safe, especially when Dean slid next to him and began to drive back to the bunker.
It was quiet, there wasn't even music to listen to. Each of them were absorbed in their own thoughts. Now that he was in a sitting position, he felt the pain still, but it was dulled by the pain medication he was given. It also had the effect of making him 'loopy' as Dean called this dizzying feeling. What he wanted was to smoke the joint he still had stashed in his bag which was in the trunk.
"You'll have to excuse the place Cas, I…kinda lost it after Sam." Dean said as they were closer to the bunker. "The library is a wreck. And I'll have to go out and get some food too." He just nodded still looking out the window. "I…buried him up near the hull by the entrance."
"You didn't cremate him?" he asked turning over to Dean.
"I can't. I wouldn't burn my baby brother Cas. He's buried in a special coffin, so Sam won't come back as a reverent or zombie." Dean replied keeping his eyes on the road.
"You think he might come back?"
"You never know, death doesn't seem to stick well with any of us."
He doubted Sam would be resurrected, being a lack of angels or god in Heaven to do so. There were also no more demons to deal with anymore. Then again, each of them had survived death multiple times, so it wasn't unreasonable. "Perhaps. What about the prophet?"
"Kevin booked out like he promised. He hasn't tried to call or anything. The kid can make it now with hell closed, he'll be ok." Dean sounded like he was sorry for letting the prophet go as well. He had truly been alone in the bunker for the past couple of weeks. "So…all the angels got booted out because of Metatron? He stole your grace?"
"Yes, he had recruited some of the other angels when he killed Naomi to trap me. One on one, I could have defeated him, but I was outnumbered. I had meant to stop him, but he got the better of me."
"Damn, so we got angels all over the place then?"
"Yes, with most of them wanting my head. They still retain a portion of their grace though they cannot fly. I do not know if the old wards and banishing sigils will still work on them."
"So…we gotta lay low while we figure it out then?"
He nodded, "yes, though I am no hurry to do so. They still have their powers, and I believe that them being on Earth may teach them more about humanity."
"Or they can go crazy and try to take over the world." Dean added sarcastically.
"I do not believe so Dean, if anything, I think they would want to return to Heaven. Also, if they are still linked, they might know the truth that it was Metatron who did this and not I." It was a hope, and even if it were true, that doesn't mean they still didn't want his head. He had devastated heaven itself and killed thousands of angels. A wave of dizziness washed over him all of a sudden at the thought and leaned forward for support.
"Whoa there Cas, you all right?" Dean asked concerned.
"Dizzy spell, the medication warning did say this might happen. I think I would rather smoke a joint."
Dean twisted to look over him with a concerned look, "you smoke weed now?"
He frowned, "you do not approve."
The hunter sighed, "no, not really. I smoked a bit back in the day. It's surprising just to hear you say joint."
"Would you care to join me Dean when we get to the bunker?" It was only polite to offer to share he learned.
He crinkled his forehead in thought, "you know what Cas, I think I might."
He hadn't smoked in years, not since Sam started hunting with him again. His brother disapproved of using drugs in any form, being a health nut and all. Then again, Sam did have muscles and could easily outpace him any day. Not that he didn't have muscles…there were just hidden slightly. It wasn't like he was crazy back in the day, but had done a number of drugs in the period between hunting alone and Sam coming back.
And he wasn't going to tell Cas no, if it relaxed him and made him feel better, then he's all for it. He knew there was no way they could go to a therapist. Cas was so weird he would be back in the mental hospital. He could stand to relax a little too, this thing with Cas had drawn his attention but his thoughts always circled back to Sam. His heart was still raw and the guilt he already had was now being piled with new guilt.
He couldn't help but think of the future Zachariah sent him to though. Cas was a drug dazed hippy sex guru there, and human. Like now. He looked over at Cas, who was looking out the window with a glazed look. This Cas was human too, and he already knew about marijuana, and he had been…well, he didn't want to talk about that. It was possible that Cas might use sex as a coping mechanism…he does. But that Cas was the product of a different future, this go around was different.
"So…how did you get introduced to Mary Jane?"
Cas looked over, "who is Mary Jane?"
He smiled a little, "marijuana, it's a code name for it. It's not legal in most places."
"It's legal in Colorado I am told. It was Sky, the man who brought me to Denver, who gave me my first hit. It was ineffective but the second time was very pleasant. Did you smoke Dean?"
"Oh yeah, I did. Smoked it every which way, rolled, in pipes, bongs, brownies, the whole shebang Cas. Mostly back in high school and when…back in the day at least. Not so much anymore, it does affect your reflexes." He glanced over at Cas again, "you like it then?"
"I do not think it is addictive, but it something that I find useful. Though my motor control is already affected by the current medication. Perhaps I should not smoke, it does make me cough."
He pulled up the dirt road to the bunker, "mind if I put you in the room across from mine? In case you need anything?" Cas nodded again. "We'll have to get you some clothes too and other stuff."
Cas yawned, "its ok Dean, we can take care of that later. I think I am feeling tired and sleepy. I think I might go to bed." Cas stretched out but winced when he moved to much. For a moment there it was like Cas was ok and Sam was just waiting back at the bunker. The reality came back where Sam was dead, he was a drunk and Cas survived being raped.
"Yeah, ok."
