HEAVEN AND HELL
The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.
Our cast is:
Ares, the flier
Bane, the gnawer
Solovet, the killer
Hamnet, the killer
Twitchtip, the gnawer
Henry, the killer
Tick, the crawler
Twirltongue, the gnawer
Thalia, the flier
Frill, the hisser
Narrator: Another week has passed. Yes, time is flying isn't it? Not much has happened, it seems like our little friends are getting used to living in the cave. Are they loosing hope? Do they actually LIKE it here? Or are they just lazy?
Twirltongue: This is driving me up the wall.
Solovet: UP the wall? Why not DOWN the wall?
Pearlpelt: -gasps- You is being racist to the walls!!
Twirltongue: Wait…-confused-is that even possible?
Hamnet: No, racism is discriminating because of the species of something. I don't think inanimate objects such as walls count.
Pearlpelt: -getting mad- Nuh uh! Stop being mean to the walls!! They never did nothing to you.
Ares: -annoyed- What is it with you and walls?
Pearlpelt: -wide eyed and serious- Walls are my friiiiieeeends…
Thalia: -starts giggling insanely-
Twitchtip: -screaming at Thalia- SHUT UP!!
Solovet: Twitchtip…have you ever considered anger mana-
Twitchtip: -cuts her off- Don't you start with me Solovet! You locked Hamnet in a dungeon for speaking out against you. And I do NOT need anger management classes. So stfu.
Hamnet: -points- Henry and that one girl are coming back.
Narrator: Henry and Lulu are walking back toward the group after having been gone for about an hour.
Lulu: I have a name you know…
Twirltongue: -suggestively- And what were you doing over there?
Henry: Nothing…
Lulu: Ya, what he said -shifty eyes-
Magical Booming Voice From Nowhere: No shifty eyes for you!!
Lulu: -sigh- ya…ok… -mutters-
Solovet: I don't get it…
Henry: Inside joke.
Pearlpelt: -curiously- Inside of what?
Henry: -sarcastically- Your face.
Pearlpelt: -high pitched scream- AAAH!! I have something in my face! Oh my gosh with the death and the killing and the faaaaace! -clutches face spasmodically- There be face bad stuffness in my head!!
Twitchtip: -sigh- Now you've got him freaking out again. -walks over to Pearlpelt and stops him from clawing his eyes out- None of that now. He was just kidding.
Pearlpelt: Oh…. -lowers paws- Mk then…
Lulu: Awwww!! That's so cute!
Solovet: Ya…in some bizarre way, I guess it is.
Twirltongue: -fake gags- Ugh I'm gonna be sick…
Lulu: I think it's cute. They make a great couple.
Twitchtip: -eye twitches- Do not!! Pearlpelt, why don't you go talk to walls for a few minutes.
Pearlpelt: Ok! -whispers confidentially- The walls give me pop-tarts with blue stuff in them…
Twitchtip: -wtf look- Um ok then. -looks at Lulu- We are NOT a couple.
Henry: Yeah right.
Hamnet: You're one to talk Mr. um… -tries to think of a name- Mr. Take-the-new-girl-to-a-dark-corner-a-lot-of-times-and-stuff…
Ares: I believe the word you are looking for is 'man-whore'
Lulu: But he's a SEXY man-whore.
Solovet: Hey…-looks around- where's that little buggy thing?
Twitchtip: What buggy thing?
Solovet: You know…the crawler…whats-her-name. Tack, Tock….
Lulu: -helpfully- Tick.
Solovet: Ya!
Twirltongue: Hmm…she's normally said something random and meaningless to remind us that she's still alive.
Hamnet: So…where is she?
Pearlpelt: Why?! She took my walnuts with her!!
Narrator: After staring in confused disbelief at Pearlpelt for a couple minutes everyone breaks into search groups. Fifteen minutes of half hearted searching end in Pearlpelt engrossed in another wall, Twitchtip and Frill talking to each other, Henry and Lulu gone some where, and the rest in a small group.
Solovet: I don't know what you guys are so worried about. Bane probably ate her.
Hamnet: I hope he didn't…
Twirltongue: I don't care about her one bit, but I don't think Bane ate her. He hasn't eaten a crawler since the whole Razor incident. I think she escaped. And if she did we need to find out where she went.
Hamnet: That's true…but I think--
Thalia: -randomly pops in- What are you guys talking about?!
Solovet: Ah! Thalia go away!
Thalia: -whines- Nooooo, I wanna know!
Ares: Go away! We're not telling you.
Pearlpelt: -hears the argument- What's going on?
Twirltongue: See! You got his attention!
Pearlpelt: What are you talking about? -walks over- I want to know! Tell me! Tell me now!
Ares: Nothing, we weren't talking about ANYTHING. -obviously lying-
Pearlpelt: I think that's a lie from your mouth!
Twirltongue: Um…no…we weren't talking about anything. I think you're confused.
Pearlpelt: -gasp- Are you saying I'm a liar with the falseness of fictions and the statements untrue?!
Hamnet: What did he even say?
Solovet: No idea….just back away slowly…
Pearlpelt: -freaking out- I'm the king! I should know! TELL ME! I'm not wrong, you were talking. And you were talking without me! You're keeping secrets from the king!
Ares: -whispering to Twirltongue- you know this is all your fault.
Twirltongue: -sigh- ya…
Pearlpelt: And you're STILL talking without me! Treason! Rebellion! Blasphemy, even!
Twitchtip: -randomly- I want a Snickers bar.
Pearlpelt: And…and…some other words of things that are bad!! -points at the small group- You're bad peoples!! Cause I--
Twitchtip: -yelling- Someone get me a Snickers bar!!
Hamnet: What is this sneaker you speak of?
Solovet: She said Snickers.
Hamnet: Like laughing?
Twitchtip: No! Snickers! With a capital S stupid! Gimme.
Pearlpelt: What's a snickers? Can they fly?
Thalia: sniiiiiickerssss...-starts shaking violently-
Ares: Oh good god no...
Twirltongue: What?
Ares: EVERYONE DUCK AND COVER!!
Narrator: Everyone does so just as Thalia begins rocketing around the cave.
Twitchtip: What's going on?
Ares: she has a sugar high...
Solovet: How is that even possible?
Ares: she's in such a state of constant hyperness the mere mention of anything containing sugar sets her off.
Narrator: After half an hour of Thalia's insane sugar rush the cave is in shambles, which is pretty impressive since the only things around are rocks, but she managed to demolish it.
Henry: That was absolute hell...
Lulu: That would be why she named it Heaven and Hell.
Narrator: Everyone stares at Lulu for a little while who sighs when she realizes what she did.
Twitchtip: Mmmmkay...I just don't want to go through that ever EVER again.
Hamnet: I agree.
Solovet: Alright troops, report! time for roll call.
Ares -muttering- who made her the boss?
Solovet: Humans, sound off.
Lulu: I'm here!
Hamnet: As am I.
Henry: -staring at his reflection in the pool-
Lulu: -jabs Henry-
Henry: Teh sex is here.
Solovet: -rolls her eyes- Ya ok. Fliers?
Ares: I'm still here unfortunately.
Thalia: Whoo! Let's do that again!!
Everyone: NO!!
Solovet: Alright, gnawers?
Twirltongue: I survived.
Twitchtip: Damn...I'm not dead yet.
Pearlpelt: Hi!
Solovet: Alright, now--
Pearlpelt: HII!!
Solovet: Yes, Pearlpelt is here, so--
Pearlpelt: -jumps up and down with his hand waving in the air- Me! Me! Pick meeee!!
Solovet: -sighs- Alright...yes, Bane?
Pearlpelt: -thinks for a moment- hi!
Solovet: Someone kill him...
Hamnet: You forgot Frill.
Solovet: Oh yeah, freakish lizard thing, where you be? -looks around-
Narrator: There is silence.
Hamnet: Umm...Frill? Frill?! -looks around desperately- OMG where is she?!
Twirltongue: Don't know, don't care. I just want to know how she got out of this shit hole.
Twitchtip: Watch your language.
Henry: Ya...this is getting boring...-grabs Lulu-
Lulu: -is dragged away by Henry- Wheee...
Solovet: Ok guys, this is getting serious. I'm scared dammit!
Twitchtip: Language!
Twirltongue: Shut up! We're all big people here, it's not like you haven't sworn before.
Twitchtip: -sigh- where the hell is my Snickers bar?
Twirltongue: Enough about the Snickers!
Twitchtip: I can't help it!
Pearlpelt: Can I have cream cheese if she gets Snickers?
Solovet: No one is getting anything. Seriously guys, people are DISSAPEARING! I thought we couldn't die here! -bites nails- I'm getting paranoid...I-I think they're being picked off one by one.
Hamnet: -frantically searching for Frill- Why would anyone do such a thing?
Ares: -shrug- low ratings I guess.
Twitchtip: -nods- yep. The one with the least lines are going poof.
Pearlpelt: I like poof...
Twirltongue: -distractedly- we know you do, dear. -starts pacing back and forth- This is curious...first the crawler, then the hisser...what could they possibly have in common?
Frill: -sarcastically- Weeee're half way ssssssaaaaane.
Narrator: Everyone jumps, shocked by her sudden appearance. Hamnet runs and leaps at Frill, hugging her round the neck.
Hamnet: I thought you were gone for good!
Frill: Nooooooo
Ares: Well, where were you?
Thalia: Ya, where'd you go?
Twitchtip: -growling- still no candy bar...
Twirltongue and Solovet: WILL YOU SHUT UP!
Frill: I fffffound a waaaaay out...
Narrator: Well, that's the ending to the lucky seventh episode of HEAVEN AND HELL! Instead of asking questions...I'm going to just get on with the closing credits!
Twirltongue: Oh what the HELL?! That was THE WORST cliffie EVER!
Solovet: I hate you all.
Twitchtip: I want a--
Hamnet: we know we know...
Twitchtip: --Bagel.
