This is All I Know...
sequel to chapter 5 (This is all we know.)
Hey Boys,
I'm sorry. I am so sorry – but I'm blowing the smoke out the window – I have to go.
This is the exact opposite of what I do, so perhaps that is why I am doing it.
Don't follow me, dears. I'm gone by my will, and I know you won't accept it at first, but I'm – I'm begging you to. I don't want to promise anything, but I'm probably not gone forever.
I know I'm hurting you. I know, and I'm going to have to live with that. But this time, I'm going for myself, and I know I deserve a break. I want to get to know myself - if it makes any sense to you.
I am tired – of the ruts I've put myself through. Although, I have never regretted a single moment standing by your sides. That's where I know I belonged.
I will explain myself a little better, in the future, when I understand my own impulse from today.
Thank you for all the love, support, and strength. Thank you for being my family. I know you're angry (you especially, Dean,) but I hope you will still consider me family, wherever I am. Because I will always consider you family. Always.
Love,
Brie.
P.S. This next part is only for Dean.
Oh, Darling.
Please don't ever think me leaving you both is me leaving you in any way. I know, we haven't been ourselves lately – come to think of it, we never were ourselves, truly, with each other, except when we were in the bed. That was the one time of the day we didn't lie to each other. And you know as well as I do, that we were just in it for the comfort of being together. For the safety of being with each other, rather than someone who was vulnerable to the kind of lives we lead, and who made us vulnerable to falling head over heels.
I want the real deal. I want to feel the strings leading from my heart to his. I want to feel the pain of insecurity, jealousy, and I want to fight for him, I want to fight with him. I don't know what he'll be like or if I ever will meet someone – If anyone does exist out there for me.
What we had won't ever leave me, dear, I know that. There will always be a corner of my heart, dedicated a shrine to you, my first and foremost hero. And there will always be love in that corner. I will come running to your aid, but I want the chance to live. To live for me, selfishly, normally, but still weirdly and crazily. I know, for people like us, it's too much to ask for, too good to be true.
But if I am going to die, I'm going to do it pursuing something that makes me happy – while trying to keep a meaningful life alive. I don't want to die anonymously. I want to leave legacies – I want to create, instead of killing.
I know this is me being selfish. And that's alright.
I hope you understand me, but even if you don't, just trust me, and let me go, fly, until I decide to return home.
Promise me something – that you won't do anything self-destructive. That you won't vent your anger onto others, that you'll let Sam help you, and just don't be angry, okay?
Love and always love for you.
Brie.
