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Chapter 7
Clare and I were finishing up a really nice dinner at Little Miss Steaks, when the waiter brought over the check. "Yoink," Clare said as she grabbed it.
"You're treating me?" I asked with an eyebrow raised. "It's not even my birthday." Clare and I used to take turns paying for each other back when we were together, though I usually tried to make sure I took care of the special occasions. But since we'd been dating more casually, we'd been splitting things 50/50 or paying for ourselves.
"Well, it was my night to pick what we did, and I couldn't come up with anything better than going out to dinner, so yes, it's my treat." She folded a few bills into the check holder and left it at the end of the table. "Besides, you deserve a nice reward for how much progress you've been making in your room."
"How about I pay for dinner and you give me a different reward?" I wiggled my eyebrows at her.
She blushed and scooted out of the booth without responding. I followed her out of the restaurant, watching her hips sway with a sexiness that I knew was completely unintended.
It was so hard to be around her and hold back. If I had thought about trying to get Clare to kiss me before we had started dating, it was nothing compared to now. I knew what her mouth felt like on mine, the exact line of the curve of her hip, the feeling of her fingernails grazing the skin on my back, the gasp she released when I slid my fingers inside of her.
Being around her but not being able to kiss her whenever I wanted was torture.
Clare fortunately didn't notice that I was lusting after her. "It's still early. What do you want to do?" she asked, stopping in front of the restaurant.
"Ice cream?"
She wrinkled her nose. "I'm stuffed. Bookstore?"
There were already way too many books cluttering my room, and it felt like a crime to throw out books. "I checked out a whole stack of books from the library so I'm set for a while. But if you want to...?"
"Nah, just a thought."
We walked down the street in companionable silence until we got to the corner where we would split to go to our separate houses – though if Clare decided to go home, I'd walk her.
"I'd invite you over, but my mom's home," she said.
I frowned. I wasn't sure what I'd need to do to make Mrs. Edwards tolerate me again. "You could come over my house. I'm sure Cece could give you a ride home later."
"Sounds great," she smiled, and I couldn't dwell on the situation with her mother when Clare was looking at me like that. She slipped her hand into mine as we walked down the street together.
Her phone buzzed and I was worried it was her mother asking her to come home. "It's Alli," she said as she read the text. "Sav's going to pick me up at nine tomorrow and then we'll come get you."
"Nine on a Saturday? That's so early," I grumbled.
"Well, it's a two hour drive up to Wasaga Beach, so we need to get going early or we'll lose the whole day."
That's exactly why I thought we should make it an overnight trip but neither Clare's parents nor the Bhandaris seemed to agree with me.
"It's still early."
"Pack your stuff tonight, and you won't have to get up as early."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "I bet you've already got your bag waiting next to the front door."
Clare giggled. "Of course." I shook my head. She was almost too organized for me. "You'll appreciate me tomorrow when you forget to bring sun block because you were half asleep when you packed your bag."
I laughed. "Yeah, definitely wouldn't have remembered that." I wondered if Clare would let me rub the lotion into her skin. I wondered just how much skin her bathing suit would show. "Did you get a new bathing suit?"
Clare's cheeks flushed. "I got two actually. Alli helped me pick them out."
I thought about the way Alli used to dress pre-uniform, and wondered if she might have influenced Clare to buy something a little bit sexy. "One piece or two?"
"One of each," she said.
"Awesome," I said, unable to contain myself. "Which one are you going to wear?"
"I don't know yet," she said, a little embarrassed.
I squeezed her hand, not wanting to pressure her any more. "I know you'll look beautiful in whatever you wear. Just like you do tonight."
"Thank you," she said softly. She was wearing a flowered button down blouse over a denim skirt; it was a typical Clare outfit, nothing special, but as usual, she looked radiant.
Things were quiet again but I thought everything was fine until I noticed the nervous expression on Clare's face. I knew my compliment couldn't have frazzled her that much and wondered what was going through her mind. I didn't want to push, but I was starting to get anxious as she stiffened up slightly next to me.
"Everything okay, Clare?"
She gave a short, unconvincing laugh. "Of course, this has been great. Our dates always are."
I bumped her hip with mine, hoping to lighten the mood. "Spit it out, Edwards."
She sighed. "I was just trying to decide if I should ask Cece for one of your anxiety pills. Since we'll be gone for so long tomorrow. Just in case you need one."
I dropped her hand and stopped walking. I couldn't believe she had thought of doing that. I couldn't believe she didn't trust me. "I'll be fine, Clare," I said sharply. "Trips to the beach aren't exactly terror inducing."
"I know. I just…" she stuttered. "I'm sorry." She looked really remorseful. "I'm just trying to look out for you."
As annoyed as I was, I knew Clare meant well. It was just that now that the thought was planted in my head, I was feeling anxious about our trip for the first time. I tried to keep myself calm and fight through the feeling.
"I haven't taken a pill in almost two weeks," I said. I tried to ignore her look of surprise. "I've been doing really well."
"That's good, Eli. I'm really glad to hear that." She hesitated for a second, then held out her hand again. "I'm sorry I doubted you. I really only meant it just in case."
I took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "If I'm feeling anxious tomorrow morning, I'll ask Cece to give you a pill. But I think I'll be okay."
We had just reached my front steps and she jumped up so that we were at the same eye level. "I don't know. If I end up wearing my bikini, your heart will be racing so fast you might need a way to calm down," she said, biting her lip in a nervous tic that just made me want to kiss her even more. I knew she was trying to tease me and lighten the mood, but she only succeeded in turning me on.
I led her into the house, wishing I could drag her up to my room and tear her clothes off, but figuring we could hang out in the TV room for a little while and find something to watch on Netflix streaming. We found Cece and Bullfrog curled up together on the couch.
"Oh no, the kids are home," Bullfrog said, and Cece pushed his shoulder.
"You can join us if you want," Cece said. "We're just watching True Blood."
I glanced at the TV and saw that Anna Paquin's breasts were prominently displayed on screen. "Clare does love vampires," I said, unable to tear my eyes away.
"My parents don't let me watch this show," Clare said, tugging on my hand. When I didn't move, she tugged on my hand even harder. Bullfrog and Cece exchanged amused expressions.
"Have fun," Bullfrog said.
I followed Clare up to my room, fully expecting to have to apologize for ogling another woman's breasts when she slammed the door shut, pushed me up against it, and kissed me with a ferocity I was not expecting.
We'd shared a few kisses over the past month, but they were goodnight kisses or reward kisses, sweet and way too short and just dancing on the edge of passionate.
This was something else entirely.
I ripped my lips from her, panting as I tried to catch my breath after her surprise attack. "Clare, what are you…?" I tried to ask, but I couldn't even get the whole sentence out before she kissed me again, her tongue forcing her way into my mouth and stroking mine deeply. I let out a low moan, but she didn't pull away at all. She wound her fingers into my hair and tugged my face closer to hers.
I pressed my palms into the door, afraid to put them on her body. I wanted to touch her everywhere, and I wasn't really sure where this was going. She clearly didn't have the same hesitance. She smoothed over my shoulders and my chest and in a move that almost killed me, she stood on her tiptoes and placed a trail of open mouth kisses down my neck, stopping to suck hard enough that I had no doubt she had marked me.
My mouth was unoccupied, but I still struggled to speak. "Are you sure, Clare? Is this okay?"
She looked straight into my eyes. "I've missed kissing you."
"Oh God, me too," I groaned. My fingers found her slim waist and pulled her to me once again. I grazed her pouting bottom lip with my teeth and she slipped her hands into the back pockets of my jeans, squeezing my ass in a way I was pretty sure she had never done before.
I decided to take a chance and moved my hands to her hips, putting just enough pressure on her that she started to step back toward my bed without removing her lips from mine. I was glad I had recreated the open pathway so she could move without hurting herself. The back of her legs hit my mattress and she giggled. "Anxious to get me in bed?"
I flinched unconsciously; it was a poor choice of words on her part. She must have noticed because she took my hand. "Because I am," she said emphatically. She jumped back onto the bed, tugging my hand with enough force that I flew right over her.
We landed in a tangle of limbs and I rolled off her and onto my back as we both burst out in hysterical laughter. "Smooth, Edwards," I said, reaching over to push the curls away from her eyes and behind her ear.
"Hey, it got you where I wanted you, didn't it?" She climbed on top of me, and I was grateful because I really wanted her to take the lead. Her position also had the added benefit that when she straddled my waist, her denim skirt rose up and revealed even more of the skin on her thighs.
But as much as I wanted to grope her legs, to caress her smooth skin as I moved my hand between them and slipped my fingers into her underwear, I knew we weren't there yet. So I kept my hands neutral, rubbing my dull fingernails against her back. There was some tension in my hands but it had nothing to do with nerves and everything to do with how desperately I wanted her.
I was starting to feel lightheaded. Our kisses hadn't slowed for a second and Clare was making these little sounds that just took my breath away. She wiggled down my body, and straddled my hips rather than my waist, pressing herself directly against my cock. My hips moved against her of their own accord and I moved my hand down and cupped her ass, pushing her into me even farther.
"Eli," she whispered, leaving kisses along my jawline before sucking my earlobe into her mouth. I whimpered as she nibbled on my collarbone, sucking in a deep breath when her hands moved to my chest and started unbuttoning my shirt. Her mouth followed, kissing every inch of newly exposed skin. The last button was directly over the waistband of my jeans, and she left another hickey right below my belly button.
Clare spread the fabric of my shirt and sat up, her hands tracing all over my chest. She was biting her lip, deep in thought. "I love…" she said so softly I barely heard her. I wondered if she was trying to tell me she still loved me when she said a little more strongly, "I love being with you like this."
It wasn't a grand declaration of feelings but it was good enough for me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and flipped her over, placing my body between her legs and letting my weight fall on her. I wanted to unbutton her shirt like she had done to me, and I was happy when she pushed my shirt down my arms and removed it entirely. But even with all of her aggressive moves, I couldn't keep my mind from holding back.
I had never fully lost myself in Clare's kisses, knowing that we would always stop before the natural endpoint that I desired so much. But since we made the leap to third base, I had let myself get pulled further and further under her spell, knowing that she was ready and willing to do most of the things I wanted. I had never gone down on her, but I knew that had been merely a matter of opportunity, not something that was off-limits.
But now that things were so complicated between us, the space between kissing and sex had turned into a chasm, and I was desperate to take the leap and terrified of either hurting her or falling in too deep.
I tested the waters, sliding both hands underneath her shirt. She didn't protest; she just kept kissing me. I slowly moved one hand over her stomach and onto the cup of her bra and she just arched into my touch. I traced the edge of the bra, startled to feel a line of lace at the top that I could not remember from any of Clare's previous undergarments.
I pulled back and gazed at her and she gave me a smirk that could rival one of my own. "Don't you want to see?"
I practically stopped breathing at Clare's uncommon flirtatiousness and tried to make my brain focus on something practical: like getting the buttons on her shirt undone in the shortest amount of time. Her cheeks were flushed and she turned her head away as I spread the fabric and got my first look at her body in over three months.
I was used to Clare's white, cotton bras – very utilitarian, very covering. They were built for support rather than sexiness but it didn't bother me since in the past, I had been allowed to take them off. This one was light blue, cut way lower than usual and covered with both a flowered pattern and a red lace border. It was very Clare and very sexy and I gazed at her nakedly.
"Wow," I said, unable to stop gawking at her curvy frame. She looked back at me and I tried to hold her gaze, but the sight of her breasts was just too tempting. "This is new."
She still looked embarrassed, but I could tell she was pleased. "I told you I went shopping with Alli."
I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to touch her, and she moaned softly at the feeling. "That girl is a good influence on you," I said, leaning over to kiss her neck, which in turned caused her to arch her breasts into my naked chest.
Clare's breathing was shallow and she stuttered out, "I think I'm going to have to wear the one piece tomorrow. I don't think you'll be able to control yourself when you see the other one."
"Good point," I said, trailing my tongue into her cleavage. "You'll have to save that for the next time we're alone." I hesitated for a second, hoping I wasn't pushing too hard. She didn't respond but her hands were digging into my back and I knew this wasn't a one time thing.
I thought occurred to me, and I had to know the answer. "Did you buy this thinking that I would get to see it?"
I didn't think it was possible for her flush to deepen but it did. "I didn't buy it for today necessarily, but the thought might have crossed my mind."
Oh God, she thought about taking her clothes off for me when I wasn't even there. I nuzzled one of her straps down her arm with my nose, and followed the line of the lace with my mouth, placing kisses over all of her exposed skin. She was mewling and sighing and I lowered the cup using my teeth, taking her nipple fully into my mouth. "Eli," she moaned and all of my resistance shattered.
I flipped us over and unhooked her bra, tugging her clothes from her body at record pace. Our hands were everywhere and everything was intense, and I was really starting to wonder where this was going. Her hips came down against me harshly and I pushed up to meet her.
My hands found the outside of her thighs and I pushed her skirt up a little, since it didn't have far to go. I could see that her underwear matched her bra and I slipped my hands underneath to cup her ass. She started thrusting against me in earnest, and I felt like I was going to bust out of my pants. She was groaning in my ear, enticing me with her little pants and sighs, and I decided to take a chance and stroke one finger between her legs through her underwear.
"Oh," she said, but it was a word and not a moan and I ripped my hand away immediately.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I said quickly.
"I just didn't realize," she said, between deep breaths. "That we were taking it that far."
"We don't have to. It's okay," I reassured her, feeling like the world's biggest asshole. "Let's just stop here. This has been great, but we can stop."
She sat up, leaning back so that she was straddling my legs. She wouldn't meet my eyes. "Do you want to keep going?"
Her hands moved to the button of my jeans and she was so close to touching me, and I felt like there was no good answer to that question. "Only if you do," I said finally, knowing I was a complete asshole for not just saying no.
She didn't respond but her fingers were still touching the button, as if she was trying to will herself to undo it. Clare had always been a little shy about getting physical, a little bit reserved. But this wasn't normal nervousness. The only time I had seen her look like this was the last time we were together. And the memory of her guilty blowjob and betrayal was not what I wanted to be thinking about when we took that step together once again – not even if she was totally into this, which clearly she wasn't.
I removed her hand from the button. "We need to stop."
She moved off of me and we sat down next to each other on the bed. She seemed embarrassed and immediately crossed her arms over her chest. "Can you pass me my shirt?" she asked.
We redressed awkwardly. It was like the sexy moments had all evaporated and now we were left with nothing but our unclear feelings for each other.
"Are you okay?" I finally asked, daring to touch her cheek.
She closed her eyes. "Yes. I just…" She leaned closer, resting her head on my shoulder as my arms wrapped around her waist. I held her in my arms for a few minutes, waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she never did.
"It's getting late," she finally said.
I nodded. "Let me get Cece."
We drove to her house in silence. Cece must have sensed the shift in attitude between us, because she refrained from pestering us asking for details of our trip tomorrow or giving us a synopsis of the True Blood episode they had just watched.
I didn't want to leave things so unsettled, especially since tomorrow we'd be spending the whole day together and we'd be with Sav and Alli and therefore, couldn't actually work things out. So when we pulled up at the house, I jumped out of the car and walked Clare to her door.
"I just want you to know that what happened between us tonight…it meant something to me. It wasn't just about sex or being horny or missing you, and I'm sorry if I took it too far. We can slow things down if you want and take all the time in the world, but I'd really, really like to keep kissing you and taking you out on special dates and I'd really like to walk on the beach holding your hand tomorrow," I said, my stomach lurching as I realized just how much I was revealing to her.
Her smile was lit by the soft porch light. "I want all of those things too," she said. "I'm just not quite ready to go back to the way thing were before. I need a little more time."
"I can give you that," I promised, though really I was wondering just how much more time she needed.
She leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. "This means a lot to me too. I want to make sure you know that."
She reached for the doorknob but I wasn't quite ready to say goodnight to her. "Is there anything else I can do? To make things better between us."
Her face softened. "Just keep doing what you're doing. You've done everything right, Eli. I'm proud of you and happy for us that we've made it this far." She squeezed my hand. "Just a little more time. That's all I need."
I pretended to look at my watch. "Well that's good because in about 10 hours, we'll be picking you up for the beach trip."
She smiled. "See you tomorrow, Eli."
"Goodnight, Clare."
