Fitter/ Happier
I leaned over the edge of the balcony, arms crossed like a child, lips pursed tight and jaw rigid. I could tell that I was fighting something, something that had bubbled up inside me quite unexpectedly and now needed to be carefully contained, lest I incriminate myself any further. I shook my head slowly, scolded myself for my behavior. It was just that—the past few years had been so tiresome, and so embarrassing…
I had a throbbing headache, and an oppressive weariness—as if all the sleep I had ever missed was suddenly catching up with me now, dragging me down and pressing me into the ground. I was exhausted. The whole world was emitting a kind of piercing, irritating buzz. That must be the static of indignation.
I leaned further over the edge of the boat, trying to catch a glimpse of myself in the currents racing down below me. I tried to comfort myself by thinking that in just a few hours I would be back on my way to Japan, and I would be able to put this whole horrifically surreal chapter of my life behind me. I could go back to the routine, something - familiar.
My thinking was interrupted by the sound of the door opening and closing behind me, and I spun around to see Jounouchi approaching me, his fists balled, back rigid, and eyes blazing with ire. I could practically feel the heat radiating off him. I knew as he came closer that I wouldn't have to listen—I knew exactly what he was going to say. It's like his brain only run on pre-scripted phrases. I wondered if there was a string dangling off his back that I could pull to make him talk - though it would be far more convenient if he came with a button that would make him shut up.
"And just what do you think you're doing, threatening my friend Yuugi like that? He didn't do anything to you! Just because you don't get a chance to duel the Pharaoh doesn't mean that you get to go around throwing a hissy fit and picking on everybody else. What gives you the right to force your own bad attitude on other people?!"
He took a step back, his face betraying both his confusion and his astonishment.
"How did you know what I was going to say?"
"We've been running in these same circles for years, I and all your little friends. I would be ashamed of myself if I hadn't memorized all your speeches by now."
"Hm…" he paused for a moment to recollect his thoughts. I could tell that I had taken the wind out of his sails, but to retreat now would be to admit that I was right, and he was too stubborn for that. "So, if you knew everything that I was going to say—why did you do it?"
I turned from him, shrugged, and didn't take my eyes off the water. "Let's leave the psychoanalysis for another time and just leave me alone."
"No, Kaiba, I'm not going to leave you alone! I'm not going to leave until you give me an explanation for what your problem is!" He stamped his foot to emphasize his point.
I could tell that he intended to stand by his word, but I had no desire to humor him.
"And what do you care about my feelings. Aren't I evil to you?"
"...What?"
"You called me that once."
I studied his reflection in the moonlit water. It was clearer than mine. I could see him sway and twitch and fidget with a loose thread on his jacket as he tried to find the right words to smoothe over the truth. It occurred to me that he must have a very kinetic brain, the kind of mind that can't function unless the entire body is in motion.
"Well, you were—used to be." He said finally, almost resigned.
"Used to be? So I see I must have risen in your estimation. How flattering."
"Hey, don't get too excited. You're only…slightly evil now—it's not much of a compliment." His reflection took on a different series of angles now—he was more relaxed. Telling the truth. And trying to be kind to me.
I laughed softly. "Only slightly…yes, I suppose that would be an improvement in your eyes. Fortunately I don't spend too much time wondering whether I'm deemed morally sufficient by that despotic moral authority that seems to have the rest of you held captive, so I suppose it's not too difficult for me to accept the idea of being only slightly evil. Indeed, considering what I'm capable of that's actually an insult."
"Well, you were completely evil once and that didn't turn out very well for anyone."
We passed several moments in silence, listening to the sound of the current. He kept his eyes fixed on me and I kept mine on the water. We were clearly testing each other, trying to see who would give first. I clenched my silence tightly, refusing to be the one responsible for breaking it. But he was so persistent with his constant sloppy splatterings of questioning and sentimental looks.
"I don't believe that, you know. I've seen the way you treat Mokuba. Sometimes I think that you're not as evil as you pretend to be. But why is it so important for you to beat the Pharaoh like that? I mean, I'm as stubborn and competitive as the next guy, but even I know when to give it a rest. It's not good for you to go on like this."
He was so irritating. "Just leave me alone, will you?! I don't need your comforting or your pep talks or your advice!" I snarled at his reflection in the water.
He shook his head at me, almost remorsefully it seemed. "I used to be just like you, you know Kaiba. I tried to solve all my problems myself, never talked to anyone, never trusted anyone. I…felt like I couldn't, the kind of life I was leading. I had so many secrets that no one really knew the real me, not even I did. I thought that that was the only way things could be. And I was miserable without even knowing that I was miserable because - because I just thought that that was how everyone felt all the time! But after I met Yuugi everything changed for me. He made me see things differently - see myself differently. He made me want to be a better person, and I can't really say that about anyone else. And that's why I don't understand why you seem to hate him so much. It seems to me that if you guys could be friends it would make life a lot easier for you. And he wants to be friends with you, we all do. But you don't make it easy for anyone, always pushing people away.
"I mean, I've been through some of the same dark places as you have. I've been hurt by people that were supposed to protect me. I've done bad things, and I used to think that I was outside the law, better than what other people said was right and wrong. I've been a loser and a jerk and a lost little kid who didn't dare look five years into the future because I didn't know if I was even going to be alive then. I've been in the gutter, and I got out. But I couldn't have done it alone.
"Look at me." I refused to look at him. "I'm living proof that you can be ambitious, you can have goals and be proud and be stubborn and obnoxious, and you can also be happy. Losing a game doesn't mean you have to lose your life, making a mistake doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself. But to get better first you have to admit that there's something wrong."
His voice washed over me like those waves that had been washing over the shore for a thousand years, and some of it began to percolate.
"Used to be like me…would make life easier…better..than I am?"
"Yeah, exactly! If you could just learn to put your pride aside every once in awhile, it would make you so much happier…better!"
"Less evil."
"More productive."
"Comfortable."
"You'd get along better with people."
"At ease."
"Would be more patient."
"You'd probably even sleep better."
"No bad dreams. No paranoia. No longer afraid of the dark."
"Not so desperate."
"Or childish."
I shook my head to clear the sound away, but it still buzzed in my brain and wouldn't leave me alone. And that one phrase remained, the one that trumped them all, towering over me with its haunting incredibility.
"Used to be like me..." I sneered. "How could you ever be like me? Or, perhaps a better question, how could I be like you?"
I glared at his reflection in the water, so intensely that I could feel my body's center of gravity tipping over the edge, preparing to pull me down. In the evening light our reflections seemed to blur, merge together until they were indistinguishable.
I spun around to face him, and he wasn't there.
I really did know his voice too well.
I really needed to get some sleep.
