Hayleys P.O.V
We'd been at the lake for little over an hour. Jake had successfully managed to throw Rachel into its icy waters, and she had retaliated by dragging him in with her. Lucas, Nathan and Peyton sat sipping beers on a picnic table, and I could hear the sound of their laughter floating through the night. As for me, I sat on the bumper of Lucas's SUV, lost in my own thoughts.
Everything, from the laughter to the crumpled beer cans that littered the parched grass, felt strangely normal. It felt as though we were all just ordinary teenagers, partying away a Sunday night. Tonight, I didn't think of myself as Jim James's daughter, and I didn't acknowledge my company as Tree Hill Basketball Stars. Tonight, I was just another teenage girl sitting underneath the stars.
Tonight was different somehow, some way. I wasn't worried about my mother or how she was holding up without me. I wasn't thinking of Brooke, or of how much I missed her. My mind wasn't focused on the future, filled with college and choices and careers. Instead, it was set firmly in the present, on the way the cool breeze tickled my cheeks, and the way the stars twinkled brightly above me, like a blanket of diamonds.
I wasn't angry or restless or scared tonight. It was as if everything--all of my negative emotions, my worries, my fears--had been temporarily vanquished, allowing me a few hours' peace and normalcy. I breathed in the seemingly perfumed honeysuckle air, and for the first time in years, I felt calm.
"Having fun all by yourself?" I was so startled by the sound of that voice that I jumped and emitted a small gasp of surprise. Nathan, sitting down beside me and handing me a bottle of water, laughed. I shook my head and laughed along with him.
"You scared the hell out of me," I commented a few moments later, taking a rather large swig of water.
"I noticed," he said, still smiling. "Thought you were going to wet yourself for a minute there."
I slapped his arm playfully. "Oh, shut up." But for once, I didn't really want him to.
"So...what were you doing over here, all alone?" he asked after a few moments' silence. Under normal circumstances, I would have accused him of being nosy, but somehow I knew that he was genuinely interested.
I sighed softly and shrugged. "I don't know," I replied, focusing my vision on the ever-twinkling stars. "Just thinking, I guess."
"Really?" He seemed slightly surprised. "You don't really strike me as that type of person."
I looked at him sharply. "What, you think I'm incapable of thinking or something?"
He shook his head, realizing his mistake. "No, that's not what I meant," he said quickly. "I just meant that you seem more the kind of person with a take-charge attitude. You know, someone who spends more time doing than sitting around pondering things."
I nodded--he was right, after all. "I usually am," I admitted, somewhat regretfully. "I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to think about things." I was surprising myself; I was opening up to him with a natural ease I had never experienced before. I found it incredibly easy to talk to him, which was strange, since I had only known him for less than a week.
He smiled wistfully, his eyes following mine upward towards the sky. "I'm the opposite. I'd give anything to have a few moments to myself to just sit and think. Like now. I just feel...relaxed. Peaceful. These kinds of moments are rare for me."
"I can't imagine what it would be like to have your life," I said, the words pouring from my lips. "All of the attention...it must be tiring."
I had expected him to be offended by what I'd just said, but as I turned to face him, his expression was quite the opposite. He looked relieved.
"Nah, the attentions not bad though you're the first person I've met that isn't envious of my lifestyle," he said, grinning. "It's a nice change."
Shrugging I imaged my childhood and the fact that my father hadn't been a very large part of. "I guess my father wouldn't mind your lifestyle." shrugging again, "His life now keep's him away from me a lot. Consequently, I've never been a huge fan of the glitz and glamour lifestyle."
He nodded his understanding. "It has its perks," he admitted. "I'm grateful for what I have, don't get me wrong." He smiled, and--yes, this is true--I blushed. I couldn't believe myself.
"So you're enjoying yourself?" I asked him, my feet kicking the soft blades of grass beneath me.
"Very much." He smiled again, and my face grew warmer.
"Me too," I said, and I meant it.
A few moments of silence followed my words. I heard crickets chirping in the trees surrounding the lake on all sides, and Peyton's high, tinkling laugh echoed in the darkness. A new feeling now joined my peacefulness and calmness, one that started in my stomach and gradually traveled throughout my body. It was tingling, like I was excited, only I knew I wasn't. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I wouldn't acknowledge it. That, I knew, was dangerous territory, and I was not willing to venture into it.
"So, Hayley," Nathan began, repositioning himself so that he was facing me. "I've known you for a few days now, yet I know absolutely nothing about you. So go on. Tell me about yourself." He grinned cheekily, and I rolled my eyes, a smile making its way onto my lips.
"There's not much to tell," I said truthfully. After all, I really wasn't all that interesting.
He shot me a pointed look. "I find that highly unlikely. You've been on this earth for what, eighteen years, and you have absolutely nothing to talk about?"
I smirked. "I thought you said that you didn't know anything about me."
"I don't. I guessed." He answered.
"Lucky guess, then," I laughed. He narrowed his eyes at me, which prompted me to laugh even more. "All right, all right. I'll tell you a bit about myself."
He grinned. "I'm listening."
"Well," I said uncertainly, not knowing where to begin. "As I'm sure you've already figured out, I'm here visiting because of my father's wedding. I'm staying until the end of August. At first I didn't want to come here, but now I'm glad I did." I smiled. "Uh...I'll be attending New York University in September."
"What're you going to study?" he asked, seemingly impressed.
"Well..." I hesitated. Now that I actually thought about it, music didn't seem quite as appealing as it had last spring when I'd decided to attend NYU. "I'm planning on going into music, but...I'm not sure if that's what I want anymore."
"It's understandable," he said. "Sometimes you have to try several different things before you find something you truly love."
"But I don't want to do that," I said. "I just want to know what it is I love. I don't want to search for it."
A small smile spread smoothly across his lips. "You don't necessarily have to search. You'll just dabble in different things until one day, when you least expect it, you'll find it."
"But how will I know?" I asked, somehow knowing that these words meant more to me than just future career choices.
"You just do. It's one of those things. One day, it'll hit you, and you'll just know." He looked at me then, and as our eyes locked, I saw the stars burning in the clear depths of his eyes.
"I'll remember that," I said softly, and he smiled. "So what about you? Are you planning to go to college?"
He sighed. "Yeah," he replied. "I want to go, just not to where my parents are pushing for."
"Oh," I said.
"I wont to go to Duke University," he said with another heavy sigh.
"Then why don't you?" I asked him.
"My parents. I'm afraid of disappointing them." He shook his head slightly. They're happy for my success and everything, but I know it's not what they wanted for me. So if I go to a university they approve of, it'll make them happy."
"But it's ultimately your decision, Nathan," I pointed out. "Not theirs. I understand where you're coming from, but you've got to do what makes you happy. Trying to win over your parents' approval won't get you anywhere."
"I know," he said resolutely. "But I just feel as though I've disappointed them so much already..."
"Nathan, are you happy with who you are?" I interrupted.
He looked at me for a moment, and then nodded. "Yes."
"Then that's all that matters," I said firmly. "Your parents aren't going to approve of every decision you make. But you can't let that stop you from making them."
He seemed to think over my words in his mind for a few moments, and then smiled. "Thanks, Hayley," he said, and I knew he meant it.
"Anytime," I said with a smile. "So..."
"HAYLEY ANNE JAMES!" My head snapped up instantly, my eyes wide. At first I thought my mother had mysteriously appeared and was yelling at me. I soon found out, however, that it was Peyton.
"What is this?" she bellowed, her voice thick with rage. "Get over here NOW!"
I shot Nathan a fearful look--he looked just as surprised as I felt. I stood and hurriedly made my way over to my cousin, painstakingly aware of everyone's eyes following me.
"What are you yelling about?" I asked in a low, quiet voice.
She smiled, and the hot anger that had been present only seconds before instantly vanished. "Oh, nothing," she said cheerfully. "I just wanted you to come over here."
I stared at her, dumbstruck. Was she serious? "Then why didn't you just call me over in a calm, non-psychopathic fashion?"
She looked at me incredulously. "What's the fun in that?" she said, as if it were the most logical explanation.
I rolled my eyes, but decided to ignore her strange behavior. "Anyway," I said, "what did you want me for?"
"Oh, right," she said, suddenly turning serious, though a playful twinkle was dancing around in her eyes. "You and Nathan seem to be...er...enjoying each other's company."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "No," I said, a slight flush rising in my cheeks. "Don't even start with that shit, Peyton. Just because I'm talking to someone doesn't mean I...like...them."
"Right," she said, making it perfectly clear that she didn't believe me. "Come with me."
"Where are we going?" I managed to ask as I was being dragged across the field towards the SUV. Nathan was still sitting on the back bumper, a half-empty cup of beer in his hand, his face scrunched up in confusion. I shot him a helpless look, and his eyebrows rose.
"To the car," she answered me. "We're going to do a bit of girl talk."
"Girl talk?" I repeated as we neared the massive black vehicle. "I don't do girl talk."
"You do now," she said, stopping abruptly in front of Nathan. "Out of the way, Nathan. We've important matters to discuss."
Eyebrows still raised, he stood from the bumper, his eyes on me. I shrugged and mouthed, "I have no idea" before Peyton pulled me into the car and shut the door, hard. I plopped down into one of the captain seats, and looked around; much to my dismay, Rachel was seated in the passenger seat, though she was lacking her normal bitchy expression.
"Right," Peyton began, taking a sip from her beer. "We are going to talk. About boys."
"Boys?" I repeated. "Peyton, don't waste my time..."
"I'm not," she assured me. "I don't mean gossiping about boys. I mean talking."
"What's the difference?" I just wasn't following her.
"There's a world of difference, Hayley!" she exclaimed. From her place in the front seat, Rachel nodded her agreement. "Gossiping about boys involves giggling and prepubescent crushes. Talking about them is a much more mature way of doing these things."
I rolled my eyes. "All right, then. Talk."
"This has more to do with you than anything," she said without hesitation. "I want to know why you're so against getting involved with someone."
"You brought me in here to ask me that?" I said, somewhat disappointed.
"Well, yes," she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "It's a serious question. And it needs to be addressed."
"Really? I don't think it does," I shot back coolly. "It's my business, Peyton. Not yours."
A flicker of hurt crossed over her features. However, she recovered quickly. "You're right. It isn't my business. But I'm curious. And I would think, as your cousin, someone you apparently trust, that you would at least let me know why you're so against relationships and romance."
"It's complicated," I said after a long silence. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Peyton..." I began, but upon seeing the determined look etched into her face, I decided to explain matters as best I could. "Look. My entire life, I grew up with my parents, thinking that life was picture-perfect. I thought I was happy, I thought my dad was happy, I thought my mom was happy. But we weren't. That much became evident the day they sat me down and told me they were getting a divorce. I always thought--even when they fought--that everything would turn out all right in the end. Sort of like love would prevail over everything."
She nodded, indicating for me to continue. As much as I didn't want to say the words that left my lips, I couldn't stop myself--it was as if I had no control over anything. I was just talking, unable to do anything else.
"But then they divorced, and my dad moved back here, to North Carolina. And my mom...she was never the same after that. She tries to act like everything's fine, but we both know it isn't. My dad, on the other hand, met another woman in the blink of an eye and married her not long after. I just...I can't let myself get hurt like that. I won't put myself through something like that."
"Hayley, I understand..." she began, but I cut her off.
"You don't, though," I said, shaking my head. "You've grown up with your parents being happy and in love. So you think...you think that love is real, that it'll conquer everything. That it's a risk worth taking. And for you, maybe that's okay. But it's not for me."
I turned my head and stared out of the window. In the distance I could see Jake, flashlight in hand, waving it around crazily. The soft ray of light bounced in every direction, illuminating various objects in the process. And I watched the light move, this way and that, feeling my peace and serenity slowly slipping away from me.
"So that's why, Peyton," I said, opening the door. "That's why love isn't real." I climbed out of the car and felt the soggy grass on my bare feet, cool and soothing. I walked back into the night, back into my sanctuary, where I was just another teenage girl under the stars.
