When Castiel left the motel he didn't consciously go there, but when he realized he was back in the clearing he wasn't surprised. He collapsed in a heap next to the same tree as last time.

A drop of water fell into his hand and he realized with surprise that silent tears were streaming down his face. He'd cried tears of joy in the dream with Dean, but this was the first time he actually done in it reality and it certainly wasn't joy he was feeling.

Don't think; just feel he remembered Dean saying. His breath hitched and then he was sobbing. He curled up on the ground, arms wrapped around his legs. The fetal position a voice in the back of his head floated the term, as he shook and wept.

After what felt like an eternity, the overwhelming grief subsided and Castiel could ruminate on the evening without being racked by more sobs. It was all his fault. He'd kissed Dean and then refused to let him walk away afterward. Cas could have stopped what happened; but he didn't. He wanted it. Wanted it so bad that he didn't care what Dean wanted or needed. He wanted it so bad that he let himself believe that Dean wanted him.

But he didn't.

I think I'm going to be sick he'd said.

Cas rolled onto his back and fought back the bile rising in his own throat. Looking up at the stars he prayed silent to his holy father that Dean wouldn't remember this dream.

****

Sam still hadn't been back to the motel room when Dean finally got out of the shower and collapsed into bed. Thank heavens for small favors Dean thought and wince at the turn of phrase.

When he woke in the morning Sam was getting dressed. As Dean rolled out of bed Sam looked at him curiously with a furrowed brow, "weren't you…" He stopped himself.

Must have noticed the change of clothes thought Dean as he just stared at Sam.

"Never mind…" Sam reached down and grabbed his coat. "I'll go run and get coffee and donuts."

"Whatever," Dean mumbled as the door clicked shut.

****

The next few weeks were rough. Dean was exhausted because he was afraid to go to sleep and Castiel was too hurt and ashamed to go anywhere near his charge. They were both a mess.

Uriel was getting suspicious though so Castiel decided he should go check in. He waited until Sam left before appearing in the motel room. Dean was tossing and turned again. He let out a pitiful whimper and Castiel felt tears pricking in his eyes. He couldn't just stand there watching so he was about to leave when Dean whispered "Cas… Cas… I'm so sorry… so sorry."

Castiel froze, afraid Dean was awake. When he realized he was still dreaming he inched closer to the bed.

"Please… don't…. didn't mean it… forgive… please" Dean moaned.

It was curiosity again. Castiel entered the dream.

Hell again. This time though, when Castiel reached the torture chamber it was a very different scene.

There were two Deans. One was chained to a wall by the rack and the other covered in blood with shimmering black eyes was working on the man on the rack. It was Castiel.

It was an odd experience, hovering in the doorway watching himself be tortured. Castiel watched his double turn and look at the chained Dean, blue eyes wide and devastated, "Please Dean…. Why are you doing this to me Dean? Why do you hurt me?"

The Dean in chains was sobbing. "I'm sorry Castiel! I'm so sorry… please forgive me…"

"Shut up!" snarled the demonic Dean. "Of course you want to hurt him. That's what we do" he crooned.

The other Dean shook his head vigorously.

"You know it's true" the demon insisted. "We destroy everything we touch. Daddy died to save us and Sammy's turning into a monster because we left him all alone. Now it's time to take down this angel." He took a knife and started carving a design onto Castiel's back, reveling in the screams.

"No, please… please stop! I'll do anything, anything!" cried Dean.

The demon chuckled. "Dean, Dean, Dean… Why are you fighting this? You can't lie to yourself," he said with a smirk. "You want this. You know you do. You want to take this heavenly being and bring him down to your level. You want to strip him down and rub up against him like some kind of horny teenager…"

"In fact…" the Demon reached down and started unbuttoning his pants a twisted grin creeping on to his face. "Let's get this party started…"

"This is going to hurt" he purred, "we learned from the best after all."

The Castiel on the rack screamed as the demon entered him. But it was nothing compared to the one that wretched from the chained Dean.

Castiel couldn't stand to watch this any longer. He went over to Dean, released his bonds, and led him away.

They ended up in an empty anonymous motel room. Dean collapsed on the floor shaking and crying. Castiel just stood there for a minute, trying figure out what the hell happened before sinking to his knees and reaching a hand out to gently stroke Dean's back.

Dean looked at him then and his eyes were so empty, so dead that Castiel shivered. "Why did you save me? I don't deserve to be saved" he said in a low pitiful voice.

In that moment Castiel realized what a broken heart felt like. Or maybe not, maybe it was worse than that. He felt like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and all that was left was the dull ache of phantom pain. He wrapped his arms around Dean and rocked him gently until he finally calmed.

"Why Dean?" Castiel whispered as he pressed his lips gently to the top of Dean's head. "Why would you dream that?"

Dean let out a dark laugh. "That's what I do. I hurt people."

"No. You don't. You save people."

"Maybe, a few. Strangers mostly. The people I care about though…" He left the thought unfinished.

Care about? Castiel thought. "I don't understand Dean. Are you…do you… You care about me?" he asked, astonished.

Dean snorted, "You know, for a part of my subconscious you're pretty dense."

"Your what?" Castiel was confused. He pulled back and searched Dean's eyes for the meaning. "You think I'm just a figment of your imagination?"

"Duh."

Castiel opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it. He had nothing; he was still trying to wrap his head around this new information.

"I'm sorry" Dean said softly bringing Castiel's focus back.

"What are you sorry for Dean" he asked gently.

"For wanting you. For using you. I don't know what's wrong with me…" Dean's breath hitched and he looked away ashamed.

"Hey," Castiel tenderly cupped Dean's face and turned it back to him. "You have nothing to apologize for. You have nothing to feel sorry for. I… I am the one that must beg your forgiveness Dean. I thought…I…" He leaned in and lightly pressed his lips to Dean's. "Everything is alright. I promise."

Dean's lips twitched into a small smile that did not reach his eyes. "That's why you're here. To lie to me."

He leaned in and kissed Castiel before he could protest.