By now, I am sure that everyone is familiar with my dear friend, Laziness. Also his charming cousin, Procrastination. They are quite fine figments of my imagination. Yeah. Sorry about that… Anyways.
Craisin: You better be happy. Yes, everyone! The spelling of the name is now CORRECT!
Kavyle: Remember, weird is good but strange is bad. ;)
: Yeah, I guess I can't kill you now… -pouts-
phantom menace: Thanks for the story. That one will be posted soon. :)
(Dialog before Spanish class something like five weeks ago)
Me: Hey, Connor. What would you say to your intriguing fans? I wanna tell them what you think.
Connor: I do agree fully that these deaths will never happen, because I am death defying. AND THIS IS SPARTA!
Me: I will quote that! –pulls out paper and writes down conversation-
Connor: What, already?!
Me: I said I would!
Connor: Hey, maybe there should be one where I go to Sparta.
Me: Oh, and in the Spartan army, you kill all the Persians?
Connor: Yeah, sucked back in time, and then I die from a soldier in the ranks pats me on the back, and I snap like a twig!
Me: Fitting!
-later-
Doopyhead: Connor stole my pencil case, can you go beat him up?
Me: -still writing- Hey, he's right over there… -to him- Hey Connor, Doopyhead wants me to beat you up… and then you'd die! –to Doopyhead- Do you still want me to beat him up?
Doopyhead: Yes.
Me: Why?
Doopyhead: 'Cause he's a big jerky meanie poo!
Me: -to Connor- Connor, I'm sorry, but I have to beat you up.
Connor: What?
Me: Doopyhead wants me to beat you up.
Connor: -whispers- Well, Doopyhead can go to hell!
Heh heh. It was just funny. ;)
AANNND NOW! The fanciful stories for the bloodthirsty mobs! YAAAAYYYY!!!
15 (Death By Protractor/Fire Truck/Flagpole/Wandering Girl Scout With Watering Can)
Note: This death was the very last before we started up again two weeks ago. Also, Mr. Quaden (my uber awesome math teacher) actually has these giant protractors that he keeps hanging on the flagpole he has erected from the wall. You can say thanks to math for this death.
During math class, Connor became devastatingly bored. To relieve himself of these symptoms, when he noticed the huge protractors handing on the flagpole, he let his curiosity take over. He played with them, and accidentally got one stuck on his neck like a large triangular wooden necklace. There then was a fire that has been set in Dr. Marsh's room, so the school had to be evacuated. But because the protractor was so large, he couldn't fit out the door. So, because he couldn't make his exit, he quickly made his way upstairs to the glass stairwell. He broke the glass with his handy protractor still caught on his neck, and continued the 5 feet to the ground. Anyone as we know could survive a 5 foot fall unscathed, but he is Connor. Something has to happen to him. And that something DID happen as predicted. He fell parallel to the ground as he jumped to escape the flames that were now threatening to give him third degree burns, and the protractor's pointy not-as-handy-now edge was securely stabbed into the frozen ground, effectively keeping Connor in place. As he struggled to release himself, the fire trucks arrived. Unfortunately, one of the trucks didn't notice Connor, and ran him over, conveniently parking right on top of him. When they came out they noticed him, and in emergency effort, copped Connor out from under the fire truck with their rescue axes. This however left a huge chunk of metal lodged in Connor's back. He became delirious from loss of blood, and accidentally wandered back inside the burning building. He lost his balance and toppled backward, rupturing a water pipe with the metal chunk. Because there was a fire, the water in the pipe boiled, creating a supreme pressure. This launched Connor out from the school to the stars, and when he came back down he was skewered on the flagpole. Amazingly, Connor WAS still alive. Then, the wandering Girl Scout appeared, skipping along with her watering can. 'Woodya wike sum watah mistah?' she asked him with a lisp, while propping the watering can over his head. 'Nnnnn….nnn….NN……NNNNN!!!' Connor grunted. 'OKAY!' The Girl Scout dumped the watering can over his head in a shower. Connor: -Gurgles-. Sadly, that day Connor died from drowning.
16 (Death By Weed Whacker Factory)
One lovely spring day, Connor was hiking on a dirt trail in a secluded location in the White Mountains. It was quite sunny and peaceful, but because the White Mountains has the worst weather in the world (A/N: Example, think of Mt. Washington. Sunny, and then has a blizzard in the middle of the summer. Cool. Pun not intended.), it started to downpour. He, in his hurried decent, slipped in the mud and fell off a cliff. It just so happened that a spotless glass roof halted his freefall, and he was saved. The janitor peered up at Connor through his incorrectly prescribed glasses, and quickly decided that Connor was a bug littering filth on his precious roof to the weed whacker factory. He climbed to the roof and attempted to peel him off, but Connor instead shattered through the glass with the extra applied force, and landed in the weed whacker testing facility. He jumped up, but was met with the inexperienced employees, and received several lacerations in various areas on his body. Because he had a loss of blood, Connor became delirious and wandered his way into the production area. He had thought that the metal chute containing the plastic pellets used for the plastic molds looked EXACTLY like one of those fun ball pits at the playground, so he invited himself to slide down the chute with a resounding 'Wheeee!!' as he crash landed into the pile of multicolored pellets. He suddenly has sucked down the machine into the oven used to melt the plastic, and was made into green plastic strips used for cutting overgrown plants. Connor died.
17 (Death By Paper Clip/Gum/Batty Old Chef)
Connor was walking down a hallway when he found a particularly interesting paper clip. He was so engrossed in its intoxicating folded metal beauty, that when a classmate called his name, he failed to notice that he hand with the paper clip was positioned by his ear as he turned his head to see the classmate, and walked straight into the open swinging double doors that a hyperactive kid left open at the same time. The paper clip was jammed deep into Connor's eardrum, and in the next class Connor couldn't hear very well. So when he got home he asked his little sister to pull it out. She yanked the paper clip and it came with Connor's ripped out, mangled eardrum. He screamed and his mother came running. She thought that he had been shot in the head because of the blood gushing from his ear in a veritable fountain. So, Connor was rushed to the hospital and subjected to emergency exploratory surgery. They patched up his eardrum, and were about to sew up his head when the young unpaid intern's gum accidentally fell out of her mouth and into Connor's brain. She was so embarrassed by this that she didn't tell the doctor. He proceeded to sew his head shut, with the piece of gum still in it. Unfortunately for Connor, the gum was pressing against his smart gland. When he awoke, he thought he was an onion. He decided to follow life's ambition and become food. So he wandered into a soup kitchen and laid down on a cutting board with a dozen or so of his onion brethren. Just then, the batty and half blind old chef ran in and started chopping everything in sight. Connor was made into soup and he died.
P.S. It is I, the great doopyheadedness, which was written this particular death (A/N: …Because she begged me, actually… So Doopyhead did type up this one, but I still had to re-type it all…). Usually me and my buddy evilhunterperson make them up together and then she types them and embellishes them. Anyway, I wanted to tell you (plural to everyone) that sadly there are many Connor's Deaths that are now lost forever (because, we can't remember them). So we must mourn the loss of those that shall never make it to the hall of comedy-related morbid fame.
Sincerely,
Doopyhead (the great)
P.P.S. evilhunterperson needs to sign her name like mine: evilhunterperson (the extremely evil who will disembowel anyone who tries to hug her)
P.P.P.S. FYI deaths are not usually as gross as this one and I am not, or will ever be, a gore-loving person. (A/N: But that's why I'm here to fix everything. GO GORE! :).)
Me: Kay Doopyhead, this sounds pretty good… Wait… DOOPYHEAD, YOU TYPED MY NAME IN LOWER CASE!!!
Doopyhead: So?
Me: FIX IT!!
Doopyhead: Whatever!
Me:… I'm still pissed off…
Doopyhead: meh!
ALRIGHT!! I finally just typed up this damn thing. And Doopyhead better be happy that I typed up that whole spiel. Or else. Anyway. Anyone who has ANY suggestions whatsoever for a new death is VERY welcome to review or to PM me, now that school's going to be over in a few days, we probably won't have much productivity making new deaths by ourselves. So again, suggestions are appreciated. :)
