Garret Evans and the Wizard of Idiom

Chapter 7

Garret had no idea how it had happened. But here he was, riding on the Hogwarts Express with Nymphadora sitting across from him in the compartment. How he had lost the argument had been beyond him. It hadn't even helped that the girl had argued with her parents as well. Certainly her argument had been much louder and much less well reasoned in attempting to point out the insanity of it.

But, Andy Tonks had apparently made up her mind, and, when a Daughter of Black makes up her mind… no argument can dissuade them from their decision. So he was here, on the train with Tonks glaring at him as if it had been his idea from the beginning. 'For the oddest reason I feel like Ranma. Ain't my fault, sumbuddy else did it. But I'm gonna be blamed. 'Bout typical really… my luck has been a little too good since I was brought here.' He thought to himself. Why Ted Tonks had gone along with it eluded him completely.

Then he continued his thought, 'then again. Is it really bad luck? I wouldn't put it past Hecate to be playing around with the canon characters to keep things stirred up and still manage to keep things halfway pleasant.' He doubted that there was anything actually beyond the apparently immortal woman that brought him to this realm to fix a problem that really isn't his to deal with. 'All that magical pain in the ass would have had to do would be to put the idea into Andy's head and here I am!' Sighing deeply he looked to the girl on the opposite bench, ignoring the looks of her friends and said, "Ya know, I'm just as unhappy about being ignored by your mom as you are over this. I mean, how many times can I say I think she's crazy and that you are fourteen?"

"Yeah, and you're twenty. You just keep your hands to yourself Mr. 'I don't wanna be betrothed, you're crazy Andy Tonks'. The only things that are savin' you from being hexed into next month are the fact that you're Harry's uncle and you probably know more magic than I do." Nymphadora replied.

"If I said I was sorry your mom is a loon and is making both of us do it, would it make it better?"

"No."

"Well, all I can say about the whole thing, honestly, is that 'when life hands you tomatoes. It's time to make French fry's'. Or, 'when life hands you lemons, it's too late to get a refund on the crappy car you just bought.' The mechanic is still gonna make more money than you." Garret said, in an attempt to throw her off her anger by confusing her. Hell, it had worked back in his home reality, and he'd seen it work in this one.

Rolling up the copy of the last issue of 'Teen Witch Weekly' Nymphadora reached over and smacked him in the head… hard. (THWOP!)

"I'll just sit here and be quiet then. I'll even try to stop that really annoying breathing in and out thing that seems to get on your nerves. Carry on and have a conversation with your friends. I'm not even here… I'm just a phantom fig Newton that you could swear was really there in the empty package. Not even that, a bare whisp of a laugh from an Aggie joke that, amazingly, managed to be too deep for the average Pureblood, but they still related to the Aggie. Possibly just a stray left over strand of a glimmer of a whisper of a snatch of a poorly written sit-com that was only really a badly executed nightmare that devolved into weird, complete with a laugh track. Or even…"

"Are you gonna SHUT UP?" She cut him off.

"Ya know, I'm still confused on how she managed to get me to agree to sign that parchment."

"Will you shut up!" the girl ordered dangerously.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm done now."

"Good!" Nymphadora said as, she rattled her magazine, ignoring her friends and the man that had become her betrothed in less than two months. She didn't know how or when, but she WAS going to pay her mum back for this. No, it wasn't because she didn't like the thought of being betrothed to the arguably strange man in her compartment. He was an attractive man after all, and he was very good with little Harry.

Nymphadora didn't really have any problem with the fact that the man seemed completely certifiable at times. Case in point the first meeting between them. She fought the smile from the memory. It had been one of the silliest things she had ever been exposed to, and it had all seemed as if it were spur of the moment. Nymphadora recognized that she was different for her age, as most girls her age were considered to be closer to twenty in emotional and mental stability.

Not her, Nymphadora wanted to stay as much of a kid as she could for as long as she could. But Garret had managed to perfect the mindset of not growing up and still managing to be a grown up when he had to. He was nice too, even after he had found out about her being a metamorphmagus. All he had done then was grunt and then tell a joke about a bear and a hunter. Her dad had laughed for six hours after. She had to think about it for awhile before she blushed and tried to purge it from her mind.

Not once since then did Garret ask her to look like anyone else. He didn't even suggest she change her hair. That had made her happy to know there was someone that was willing to accept her for her, and not what she could look like. If she had noticed her mother watching the whole thing with a smug smile and a determined gleam in her eye, Nymphadora would have had a shudder of worry.

The news had come out at the dinner her mum had invited Garret and little Harry for. Ever since that dinner, her mum would have some excuse for Nymphadora to spend time with Garret and Harry. About midway through summer, Nymphadora had broken with her tradition of waiting until the last week before the train, and began working on her homework.

Oddly enough, each time she would sit down to work on it, her mum would come by and pester her until she went next door to ask Garret if she could work on it there. This turned out to be a hidden boon; the man had some of the most incredible insights into the base schools of magic that she'd ever heard. It wasn't so much that he really said anything different from what the books and the professors said; it was more of how he presented it.

The goof had even managed to make potions interesting and fun. His take on charms was very interesting and what he seemed to know about Defense was incredible. Him being distracted when she would ask for a book to help often had him handing her a pranking book to help in her research for her essays. It confused her for a bit the first time he had done it, and then she'd be amazed to find some odd information listed in the index that would almost guarantee her a good grade on the paper.

Garret Evans was an odd man, but fun and funny. Even if it was disconcerting at times when he would suddenly get a glimmer in his eye and snort or belly laugh about something she couldn't get him so explain. Later he would disappear into his basement and all sorts of odd sounds would erupt from there, or a strange extended silence.

After that he would be back in the house, coming up from the basement rubbing his hands together and muttering something about 'Luscious won't see that coming.' Or, 'Corncob is gonna look more like the idiot he is.' And, 'Greasy…' followed by a long snickering laugh that if she had felt that it were directed at her she would worry.

Whatever Garret was doing, when he would disappear, had to be something to do with the very odd pranks that seemed to have been plaguing the upper echelon of the wizarding world, and Snape.

Nymphadora had grown used to her neighbor's peculiarities and his, frankly, bizarre and confusing manner of speech when the Evans household had been invited to another dinner just one week before the train back to Hogwarts. Dinner had progressed very well until just after dessert and before the coffee, when mum had brought up a new topic that had yet to be spoken of in the Tonks home.

A discussion of Nymphadora's future in the wizarding world, innocently trying, that isn't to say that the topic hadn't even been brought up, it had, but never in front of someone outside the small family of three. She began it as a generic topic. "So, Garret? What are your thoughts about future careers in the wizarding world? I mean, what did you do after you left your own school?"

The conversation degenerated from there as far as Tonks was concerned.

At the same time the Nymphadora was thinking about their situation, Garret was doing the same.

Remembering the 'Dinner that ruined his plans' conversation at the same time as his, to his mind, unfortunate betrothed, Garret thought back. Of course, he conveniently overlooked the fact that he actually had no plans beyond raising and protecting Harry, totally destroying Tom, and all the Death Eaters. And obliterating Dumbledore, that was one of his favorite plans. And targeting Snape whenever he took a fancy to it, which was often. Yes, Garret had many plans, but none of them included a specific situation that came about as a result of that conversation. "Well, I sort of followed my dad into the Law Enforcement thing, but only because I couldn't get an apprenticeship in toe twiddling. Did you know there is a ten-year wait for that? And they prefer for you to sign up to be an apprentice before you even get out of your knickerbockers.

So I followed dad into Law… and investing. Great thing investing, you really don't have to know that much as long as you pay the managers plenty. That means they have to get a percentage of what they rake in for you. I always suggest that you get a really greedy one. Ten percent is a whole lotta moolah if the guy is motivated to make you even more ya know? Yep, I started investing with a pair of worn out shoestrings and now I get a return of four thousand peckerings a year… No, wait, that's not right."

"You do seem to do well for yourself Garret." Andy said, smiling at the reaction from her family. She knew the young man was being difficult and strange on purpose for his own amusement. She had heard what he'd said to Poppy in what the two had believed to be unheard conversations on the Friday visits to allow the medi-witch to check on Harry's progress.

That Garret was far more lucid and knew much more than he let on was an amusement in itself to Andy. As far as she was concerned, Andy was positive that he would be perfect for her daughter, especially after the way he had treated her and behaved around her whether they were alone or in public. He was kind and did his best to think before he spoke. Of course, when he spoke what he said may have to be parsed and deciphered to get to what he meant.

It may come out as a joke, but it was pithy and appropriate after it had been translated. This meant to Andy that Garret was far more intelligent than many would grant him credit for. And very likely what he had intended. What better way to have untrustworthy individuals underestimate you than by appearing a fool?

"Yeah, I do pretty well. I gotta make sure there's plenty of hen fruit for breakfast and pretzels for lunch for Harry." Garret admitted, saying that he was happy to provide well for his nephew.

"Do you see yourself marrying anytime? What I mean to ask, is there a young woman in your life that you wish to share the responsibility of raising Harry with?" Andy circled closer, the warning signals of something unexpected about to happen being ignored by both Garret and her daughter. And, like a shark smelling blood in the water, moved in closer to the wounded fish.

Pausing in his answer before speaking, Garret narrowed his eyes at her and said, "To tell the truth I have yet to meet a woman that deserves the punishment of being married to me. I'm a bit much to take on my best days, and on my moody days I'm worse. Moody days all I wanna do is lay around the house and eat popcorn and make comments at the TV… no, I do that anyway.

No, I haven't thought about getting married. In fact it's prolly one of the things that is usually furthest from my mind. I mean I have much more important things to do. Ya know, like bringing down the Twinkling Bustard, tracking and capturing a live specimen of the Preening Silver-capped DeeT, slapping around the Deluded Oil Dripper. Sooner or later I'm going to have to start training Harry in live capture of the Toad faced Brown-noser and the Flouncing Ferret.

Prolly have to make sure he's gotten shots to prevent being corrupted by the Redheaded Macaque."

Not at all following what Garret had just said, but knowing he had meant something else with the descriptive names, Andy ignored the looks of confusion of her husband and daughter. "All those are laudable goals, and I'm sure there is a young woman that would be proud to help you in your endeavors. Shouldn't you be more interested in making certain that Harry is properly cared for? A woman in his life that he can turn to when he's hurt or to give him maternal hugs when he's lonely or sad? I know you do well with him, and he seems to be blooming and coming out of his shell already. But wouldn't it be better for him to have a mother figure to tuck him in at night and tell him stories about knights and wizards?"

Leaning back in his chair, Garret said, "I suppose it would be good for Harry. Ya know, Nymphadora does that kind of thing already. Wouldn't that be infringing on her self assigned 'big-sisterhood'? And Harry might not wanna break in a new woman to do those things. Not that he couldn't do it with the 'puppy eyes' he's been learning from Tonks, but that kind of thing should only be used as a last resort. Not even I'm totally immune to it, I can tell ya."

Garret noticed the strange look that Nymphadora had on her face when he said that and couldn't quite place what he'd said that was bad until Andy said, "I'm glad you agree that it might be unfair to my daughter. I have here an agreement that should help with that situation, as Nymphadora's mother I have already signed it. Ted signed it as the head of the Tonks family, binding the agreement through Magic, and all that needs be done is for you to sign it, sealing it into an Agreement."

Finally catching a clue as to what the woman he had spent the previous months intentionally confusing for his own entertainment, Garret looked at the parchment and read it… "Betrothal Contract? You do know that you're daughter is fourteen don't you?"

"Of course we know this. That is why we signed it for her as her parents."

"Ted, my man, buddy, dewd… feller I look to cover for me when I cheat at putt-putt. Are you outta yer mind?"

"As much as I dislike the whole idea of arrangements of this sort. I find myself having to agree with Andy. Garret, trust us, it is for the best." Ted answered.

"She's fourteen."

"Yes, she is." Andy confirmed.

"Mum, he's twenty." Nymphadora said.

Harry asked, "What's a betrothal contract?"

"She's fourteen."

"Harry, a betrothal contract is an agreement between families that, at some point in the future, they will become tied through marriage. This contract says that my daughter, Nymphadora, will one day be your Aunt by marriage, and your uncle will be my son-in-law. In some ways that would make you my grandson, mostly for legal matters, tutoring in Pureblood politics and social education."

"So Tonks would be kind of like a mum to me?"

"She's fourteen!" Garret said with some exasperation at the situation, waving his hands around trying to get the attention of Andy Tonks who had suddenly become quite persistent in answering questions for Harry.

"Yes Harry, she would. You like my daughter don't you?"

Smiling, Harry nodded enthusiastically. He had seen how his uncle would be a little less hyper when Tonks was around, and he thought she was good for his odd uncle.

"Mum! Don't I get a choice?"

"It's for the best dear." Andy replied, patting her arm, then turning back to Harry, "is that something you would like to have Harry? A mum that can give you hugs and help you learn about the magical world?"

"She's fourteen." Garret said to Ted.

"Yes, and you are twenty Garret. I'm not comfortable with the age thing myself, but Andy has explained it to me." The muggle-born wizard replied, swallowing with what Garret felt was a nervous look.

"Dad!"

"Ted! She's fourteen."

Andy could tell that neither of them were that intent on not agreeing with the contract. She had also seen how the two had gotten along together. From what she had deduced, Garret would suddenly have the look of inspiration, thank Nymphadora and go to his basement for a few hours. What her daughter hadn't put together yet was that this was often followed by a story in the Prophet concerning a new prank on someone of authority, or of high public interest.

The Daughter of Black would be very much surprised if the embarrassing prank on the famous and infamous wasn't a result of a comment from her daughter. Once Nymphadora discovered it, she would very likely be quite proud of the man that she could hardly spend a day without saying something about.

And the trips to the adventure parks the five of them had made as something of a family, the interaction between the three youngest of the group reminded Andy of the early marriage to Ted and raising Nymphadora.

With a knowing smile that Garret was perhaps protesting too much Andy said, "Yes, Garret, that has been established. And it is only a problem that time will take care of shortly. In less time than you can think she will be seventeen and even lovelier."

"Yeah, maybe… But she's fourteen now! There are laws about that kind of thing, ya know. I think you're crazy, and if there's anything I know, it's crazy. I practice it quite happily. Yet, even I know there are limits to crazy that is fun and acceptable, never mind that I take it a step too far at times, the social mores of this are over and beyond what I would consider funny."

"I know, Ted and I are serious about this."

Garret had almost been tripped up and said that they couldn't be Sirius, because he was dead, but that would have been tactless and hurt Andy badly. Something he really didn't want to do. 'Think Garret, how do you get them to drop this and not wreck the girls life?' looking at his nephew, he could see the glee at the prospect of having a mother figure put on the boys face. "This isn't fair to your daughter Andy… she's fourteen."

"Mum, why are you insisting on ruining my life with this… this… what you ran away from to marry dad?" the girl sputtered.

Quirking her thin and well defined eyebrow at her daughter, Andy said, "Nymphadora Cassiopeia Tonks! You know well why I ran from that, not only did I already love your father and have an engagement ring, but the monster your grandparents had decided on wouldn't have treated you any better than they treated me with the same. Imagine if Bertram Yaxley had managed to be your father. You would have been betrothed to someone three times your age, when you were an infant. For money! The situation is totally different here. I have decided and you will accept it. And there will be no running away from this.

Garret said it one more time; "She's fourteen!"

The discussion continued until it was very late in the night and Harry had fallen asleep leaning against Tonks. The girl proclaimed her own disagreement with the decision loudly, until Harry fell asleep. Then she went to venomous whispers, most of which were directed to Garret. That was when Andy knew she had won, her daughter was still unhappy with it but would grow used to it and even fall in love with the man. Garret would likely grow very comfortable with it and truly love Nymphadora in return. All it would take would be unchaperoned time together.

Finally, around four in the morning, Garret signed the agreement. He still had no idea how that had happened. All he could remember was being slowly worn down and, while not forced to sign, he had been coerced and wheedled. He could remember that he had forced some proviso's into the contract, that Nymphadora could back out of it at the time of her twentieth birthday if she really didn't want to marry him. And she could get out of it provided she found someone she could love between that time and the present. Those two additions were enough to keep Nymphadora from hexing him in his sleep… just barely. It might have helped that he set some defensive wards too, he might never know.

Of course, he found in his copy of the contract that Andy had added some conditions to the proviso's he had insisted on. The replacement would have to provide proof that he could properly take care of Nymphadora and tender a bride price to cover the loss of dowry that would be lost due to contract nullification. When he read that, Garret knew he was sunk, his carefree days as a confirmed bachelor were mostly over. All that was left was the last mile he would walk at the ceremony.

He knew Harry would be working on Cassie to make her decide it would be a great thing. Andy and Ted would cooperate on it and sooner or later Cassie would be arguing in favor of it. Garret gave it a year, tops, before she started pulling out pads to begin the total subjugation and domination of the never before tamed creature in the multi-verse, the wild G7. 'Crap!'

The next week was filled with the shopping trip that Garret felt he should cover, as the girl was now his betrothed. The trip to Gringott's had been pretty normal. Andy and Ted had opted to watch Harry for the day. That was one thing Garret was sure to do his best to avoid crowds in the wizarding world with his nephew along. The kid wouldn't understand and would be uncomfortable and probably scared. To make himself feel better about the whole unwanted betrothal thing, Garret pulled out a pile of Galleons in two bags and handed one to Nymphadora telling her to get what she wanted and he would be doing a little shopping of his own.

That was the day that Garret found the specialty shop that only carried used books. There was a section of pranking books that were out of print when Viridian was a kid. To his mind, it was as if Garret had found a treasure trove of the Lost Library of Alexandria. He treated himself by buying the store out of those books and packed them up into his fanny-pack, in an appropriately shrunken package. Then he went and wasted some time at Gambol and Japes looking around their shelves for anything useful that he couldn't make himself. He still had a war to fight.

While Garret was in Gambol and Japes, Nymphadora was making her purchases at the Apothecary, the third stop on her list. Madame Malkin's had been her first stop. She never liked shopping for clothes in the wizarding world. To her there was very little in the way of individualism displayed in the clothing choices. Dumbledore's manner of dress not withstanding, she rushed through getting her new school robes and then went off to look at a new telescope that she decided to buy. Her betrothed was paying for it anyway, so she might as well get back at him.

Then she saw one of the girls from Ravenclaw in the Apothecary being escorted by Charlie Weasley. That berk had had his chance and blew it when he had asked Nymphadora to look like the girl he was with. Mary Silkfoot! Nymphadora had been livid when he'd asked her to do it, proving without doubt that the shit that Snape had been saying motivated even Weasley's. 'C'mon Tonks, just for an hour to see if I like what she looks like without the robes.' The bastard had said.

Then he screamed in pain with the stinging hex that hit him in a tender place.

Seeing the Weasel with Mary made her think about the situation with Garret. Nymphadora had to admit, it really wasn't his idea, and he was an awful lot nicer than other men were, even men that were his age and older. She saw how the information had trickled out of Hogwarts and into Hogsmeade and back to Diagon Alley. Older guys were all too interested in how she could look like almost any other girl with just a thought and push of her magic. It didn't help that most of those men weren't people that she would willingly be alone with for any length of time.

It was like no one could accept that she was a person and had her own individuality. She paid for her purchases at the Apothecary and went on to the bookstore for that year's textbooks. After awhile she found herself in Gambol and Japes.

Garret had asked her what was wrong and she said it was nothing. He suggested going for ice cream in muggle London and she suddenly felt better about the day. They waited until she was done with her school shopping before that, and then had a nice big pair of sundaes at a parlor in Kensington. She still kept him at a distance concerning the whole agreement her mum had cooked up. But she was willing to talk to him. She wouldn't let him say much, but she talked to him. 'It does take care of that problem of wondering if you'll have a date on Hogsmeade weekends Tonks.' She thought to herself. 'I wonder if he'll just take it for granted that he can show up or not at his whim? Best not let him know what I'm thinking about it. He might get complacent if he thinks I like the idea.'

Garret was dismayed at the farewell that happened on Friday August 29 of 1986. Harry, the little stinker, hugged Nymphadora and said, "Have a good term Auntie Tonks. I'll miss you."

Tonks response of, 'He called me Auntie!' pretty much torpedoed any plans Garret had of possibly getting the two of them out of the contract her mother trapped them with. 'Andy and the kid are working together! I yam doomed.' He whimpered to himself.

Looking around the compartment at the other girls taking up space with he and his reluctant fiancée, Garret took out a copy of Charms Quarterly and began to read. There were some new configurations of charm work that he was interested in. That and it kept him occupied and almost able to ignore the blistering heat from Nymphadora's eyes when she glared at him.

By the time the train would arrive at Hogsmeade, Nymphadora had grown comfortable enough, or grown tired enough of the pestering by her friends, that she explained the whole thing. Yes, Garret was her betrothed. No, she didn't like it that much because her mum was making decisions that weren't hers to make. Garret was in the doghouse because he had signed the damned contract and her dad was persona non grata because he agreed with her mum, even though she mostly forgave him when he gave her the new bracelet. "And will you please quit bugging me about the stupid betrothal? My betrothed will be at Hogwarts for this weekend and then things can go back to normal. Snape can be the bastard he normally is and you nosy Kate's can start looking into other gossip."

From there the conversation between the girls went on to who their House Quidditch team captain would pick for the open spots of seeker and beater. Then the girls traded their homework around for comparison, and talked about the teachers. The other two girls in the compartment were amazed at how thorough Tonks papers were and asked if they could copy. This request was denied and they then went on to talk about the boys they were interested in. Over time Tonks managed to forget Garret was there. She did notice when he put up a privacy bubble so he couldn't hear their chatter.

Some things men are not meant to know.

Once the train had arrived at Hogsmeade, Garret stepped off onto the platform behind the girls that had been in the compartment. If he were honest with himself, he was actually looking forward to the Sorting Feast. After the Sorting, and just before the food arrived there would be a special treat for the students this year. It had taken some bribes to get the information, and a few confundus charms on Filch and Hagrid, but during the last week the castle had been empty of teaching staff. Andy telling him that as the betrothed of Nymphadora, it was his obligation to accompany her to the school on September 1 and let all know that she was under his protection.

That conversation had taken place two days after the Contract had been signed, and that was when he had found out what kind of a bastard Snape really was. The Death Eater hadn't learned that the best revenge was living well, and, as a result, vented his spleen on all and sundry. Except for those he saw as more powerful than himself, and even then he plotted against them. Dumbledore would never know what hit him when Snape finally snapped and sought revenge for every petty and minor thing that he could imagine.

Garret couldn't allow that to happen. Dumbledore was HIS target after all, and Garret was greedy and selfish when it came to his targets. Others weren't allowed to kill them before he was done humiliating them. Even if those others were targets as well.

Even though he agreed after the fact with Andy's reasoning, he had felt that there had been no need for her to manipulate and cajole him into the betrothal. 'I mean, all she hadda do was ask and I woulda protected Cassie.' He'd thought to himself, unconsciously falling into using a diminutive of her middle name instead of her preferred Tonks or her despised first name.

Not that he was all that intimidated by her threats of dire consequences and pain should he call her by her name. Honestly Garret did like the name of Nymphadora, and thought it fit her in more ways than the lewdly evident.

Garret had taken the time to spin back five days to make it possible to have the time to enchant a special charm bracelet for Nymphadora as a back to school gift. Carving and activating the runes for the protections he had enchanted the charms with would then continue to be powered by ambient magic. As long as she wore it, she would be protected from nearly all of the minor curses and hexes, and a good number of mid range ones. A few of the charms on the bracelet were protections from jinxes of all kinds with a few generic shields.

The work had been intense because even the links of the chain had been engraved with Runes. Garret knew how bullies behaved, and they would be a bit nastier when the news broke. He knew that Nymphadora wouldn't accept it from him, so he talked Ted into coming home from work with it. Unexpectedly, Garret felt a lot of warmth in his breast when the girl brightened at the gift when Ted put it on her wrist. "Dora," he told her, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but this bracelet can't come off, even by accident now. Now, before you say anything about that. I just didn't want it to be stolen or for someone to take it off of you and then hex or curse you. You're my baby girl and you're becoming a very lovely young woman. I wouldn't want for anything to happen to you when we can't be there." Ted explained.

Nymphadora had glowed with how pretty it was, and how the light danced on the crystal charms. She was also well aware of what her father meant about it being taken off of her by someone that might mean her harm. News of her being betrothed could cause all kinds of fallout, some of it violent.

Garret had also taken the time to spin back a couple of other times and set up some proactive damage control pranks. Arriving back at his linear time and properly living through the last twenty four hours of the week after all the prep work had been completed. First was finding out that most of the week that the castle would be mostly empty. The second was developing the time delayed compound transfigurations and compulsion charms for the lead up prank. Then the addition pranks scattered through out the offices of Snape and Trelawney. All of these pranks were set with compulsions triggered to activate when a diagnostic charm was used to detect any generic magic in use. This made them drop the detection and go on.

This would lead to a number of quite embarrassing situations later in the month of September, only ending the weekend before Garret would arrive for his next visit with his betrothed for a weekend.

All the work was done with one goal in mind; protect his fiancée. That task even overshadowed the task he'd been assigned by Hecate to retrieve the copy of the Marauders map and kill the snake. He'd have to make a mental note to take care of those problems soon.

Looking around the platform, Garret noticed the hairy mass of fur and beard that was the half-giant Hagrid. Deciding to not bother with the huge man, Garret followed the girls to the carriages and patted a thestral as he passed. This confused Nymphadora, because she knew the carriages were magic and had no animals pulling them. "Garret, what did you do?"

"Pet a thestral. Interesting creatures, sort of like a horse with wings if they were a bit reptilian and ate meat. If you want to see a picture of what they look like, check out a copy of 'Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them'. Or you could look into the mythology of the Valkyrie, Norse angels of death that only appear on a battle field to take the brave to Valhalla." Garret explained. "They're only visible after you've seen someone die. As pleasant as the creatures are, I really don't want you to be able to see them." After he helped Cassie and her friends into the carriage, he then climbed to the roof, without explanation as to why.

Nymphadora almost said he was being ridiculous until she noticed there was no humor being projected from him. His eyes had even dimmed a little. If it was one thing She had learned in the short time she had known her betrothed, he had a sense of humor that was difficult to hamper. If he said something like this with not a single twinkle of his eyes, he had to be telling the truth. She did promise herself to look it up later in the Library.

Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall hadn't heard of anyone employing the Rights of Betrothal at Hogwarts since before her own time as a student. And that had been a long time before she'd even been born. She knew it was still in the school charter though. It did please her that it was actually being used by one of the few Slytherin students she had liked. Andromeda Black had been a wonderful child, and her daughter was equally vivacious, if a bit put upon by her mothers old House, and Severus.

Nymphadora Tonks was perhaps the first true natural at Transfiguration it had been her pleasure to teach. The child had an intuitive grasp of it due to her gift. Not even James Potter could approach the same level, and he had been more talented than Minerva had been.

That the girl's mother had decided to enact a betrothal agreement for her daughter amazed the professor. She'd felt that Andromeda wouldn't force anything like that on her own daughter, as she had run away from her family and been disowned because of a contract for herself with a Yaxley. Then she received the letter from Nymphadora's mother; the explanation within that letter put a sad smile on her face. Minerva could have predicted something like this happening. Snape was just too young to become the Head of Slytherin when he had and just will not let go of childish slights.

'At least the girl will ha' someone to look after her interests. I dinna envy Severus this year. I expect he'll be finding himself under very close watch soon.' She thought to herself, as she watched the carriages come up from Hogsmeade. Her eyes widened at the approach of the twelfth carriage. There was a man standing on his head on the roof, his eyes facing the front and behaving as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

As the carriage approached the man rolled to his feet, climbed down and opened the door to allow the girls within to climb out. Nymphadora spoke, "Garret, this is Professor McGonagall. Professor, this is Garret Evans… my betrothed."

The man introduced as Garret Evans stuck out his hand and said, "Pleasure to meet you Perfesser McGanananan… damn, that's almost like saying bananananana. I'll try again, hello Professor Specks." He gazed into her eyes using passive Legilimency and saw that she was the only one of the staff that knew of the betrothal and his name.

Sighing with some small amount of annoyance, Minerva shook the young man's hand and replied. "My name is McGonagall, it isn't that hard to say Mr. Evans. I would say it's a pleasure to meet you, but I'm afraid I haven't made up my mind yet. Please have Miss Tonks show you to the Great Hall so we may begin the sorting on time."

The older woman thinned her lips at the prospect of a year of visits with the man she'd just met. She only hoped that she wouldn't be the target of his humor too often. There is a certain decorum that should be maintained after all. She didn't catch the casting of a wandless confundus charm from the young man. She would remember his name but would overlook mentioning it to any of the other professors. Albus should have kept up with the letters being sent to him and his Deputy.

Entering the Great Hall behind Nymphadora, Garret looked around and hid his grin as best he could. After helping the girl to her seat, he sat down beside her, to her right, so that he might have a better view of the Head Table. As he had remembered, the staff sat with Snape to the right of Dumbledore, followed by Flitwicke then Kettleburn, The current Arithmancy teacher and Babbling, Burbage and Hooch. To the left of the Spouter of Paltry Palliatives and the Greater Good, did Sprout, Trelawney, Sinistra and Pomfrey, Pince and the current Defense Professor follow an empty chair.

That was the Head Table, Two chairs at the ends were for the Keeper of the Grounds and Keys, and the other for the Caretaker. Strangely, none of the teachers took any additional notice of the fact that an adult was seated with the student body as the Hall filled. Garret wasn't sure if he liked the fact that he was being ignored or not. He knew that the Sorting Feast Prank would have him singled out by the humorless bastard with greasy hair.

Shortly, the Great Hall had filled with the second year through seventh year students and they commenced to wait, conversation still going on between them all. Garret fielding a question or two while they waited for the ickle firsties to arrive. Catching some motion near the Head Table, Garret looked to see the Hat. Smiling inwardly he projected a probe of Legilimency to the artifact and knocked.

"Who is it?" The hat asked.

"A forced traveler into this realm of existence and almost all knowing person of your world here. Sad to say." Garret sent back.

"And why are you here?"

"It seems I have been given a mission to correct the wrongs brought about by a number of manipulators and hand out punishment as I see fit. My name is Garret Evans and I am Harry Potter's uncle."

"Who has given this mission to you then?"

"Hecate… woman snatched me from my world without so much as a howdy, and dropped me into this body. But that is neither here nor there. I had an unfortunate situation occur and found myself betrothed to Nymphadora Tonks. That helps with part of my mission, but it wasn't something I was looking to have happen. I was intending to raise my nephew and have fun at the expense of the rest of the British wizarding world. Now I find I have to become a 'respectable wizard'. Bbbrrrrr, the idea gives me the chills."

"Pleasure to meet you young man. You needn't worry, Godric made me to be able to sort the new inflow and to keep their secrets. I am incapable of passing any knowledge on to anyone. And, as there is no one that knows we are conversing, this too will be kept in confidence." The hat greeted him, "you may call me…"

"Floppy?" Garret asked, interrupting the Hat.

"I suppose it is better than some of the other names I've been called in the past. Some first years have been raised to a ridiculous level of religious orthodoxy. I've been called 'Devil Hat', possessed creation of evil and 'Smelly old rag'.

"Now that's just rude!" Garret said when he heard this.

"They are children and learn differently. It is surprising how many of them found themselves in Ravenclaw. They were intelligent, merely intolerant of the unusual. Unfortunately, Godric and the others didn't think to provide me with a name." The hat explained.

"I'm sure if you think about it, you could come up with a name you like though. I wouldn't be surprised if the old Twinkler called you something like Terence of Allistor."

"How did you know?"

"He strikes me as the type. Hey, listen, this year another Weasley comes in as a firstie. Could you do me a favor and…"

"I cannot put anyone into a House they would not fit within. From your memories of this Percy, he would fit into Slytherin in his later years. But as a first year he must go where I see he belongs now."

"No, I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask that you…"

The Hat began laughing for no reason, drawing the attention of the entire Great Hall. Dumbledore was mildly confused at this, Terence had never done anything of the kind before. The laughter of the hat settled down just as Minerva opened the door and led the group of first years for 1986 in.

As normal the firsties were looking around in awe, some with huge fear filled eyes, others with a look of worry, but determination. And then there was Percy. That Weasley looked like he was about to pee his pants and faint. Evidently the tale of 'having to fight a Troll' was a Weasley staple.

When McGonagall set up the stool in front of the Head Table with the Hat on it, the new enrollees visibly relaxed. Garret hid his smirk as best he could. Ignoring the firsties as they were sorted to the best of his ability, making sure to applaud after each sorting, unless they went into Slytherin. Then he would give the kid a sad smile and shake his head.

This did nothing for the looks of terror on some of the new kids, especially the redheaded boys. Garret was almost holding his breath for Percy to be sorted, he was so excited at the prospect of the absolute horror that would erupt on the boys face.

Finally the name Weasley, Percival came and the last boy of the year walked up to the stool, with a confident air. The boy knew he would go to Gryffindor, no Weasley had been sorted to any other house in centuries. As he Percy took his seat on the stool, Garret sent a probe to eavesdrop. The hat allowed the intrusion as long as he didn't interfere with the sorting and try to force a different House. That wasn't why he wanted to hear.

Garret wanted to hear because just the look on Percy's face wouldn't be enough. The set up had been a spur of the moment thing, and he wanted to get the whole experience. Reaction and stutter to fearful look. The hat settled over the ears of Percy, the eventual Toadying Prig, and the hat spoke. "Hmmm, interesting. You would do well in Hufflepuff or Slytherin."

"No, I want Gryffindor."

"Boy, it doesn't matter what you want. What matters is what I see in your personality. You do have courage of your convictions though. A stickler for the Rules and a mama's boy, you're certainly not of the quality required for Ravenclaw. It doesn't appear that you wish to learn for the sake of learning.

You will work for your goals, if you can decide what your goals are. While you have a certain arrogance, you wouldn't be assertive enough to pursue your ambitions. No, my first assessment of Slytherin is wrong, you wouldn't fit well there. It's probably for the best, the Head of Slytherin has appetites for redheaded boys, putting you in there might damage you far more than allowing you to go to… Gryffindor!"

Looking confused when the hat shouted his House, Percy, ever the Weasley asked, "What did you mean the Head of Slytherin has appetites for redheaded boys?" Loudly enough for the Head Table to hear it, and the students at the end nearest him.

"Headmaster," Snape asked of Dumbledore, "what is that damnable hat saying about me to the first years?"

"Merely that they should be careful to not turn their back to you and to take care not to bend over Severus. I'm sure it's only a misunderstanding." Twinkler replied as he stood to give his customary 'few words' to start the feast. Approaching the lectern, Dumbledore grasped the edges and spoke.

"Welcome one an all, as I am sure you are all hungry. I shall limit my statements until after we eat. Tuck in." The long bearded fossil intoned then returned to his seat.

The feast was progressing well, Albus and Severus had spoken briefly about the unknown person who had sat down with the Hufflepuffs, not having been informed of his arrival by either Pomona or Minerva. Eating lightly so they might have the opportunity to speak with him before he left after dinner. They openly approached the table where Albus discerned that the young man was seated beside Nymphadora Tonks.

As they stepped to his side, Snape spoke, "Who are you?"

Garret heard the dulcet tones of the most greasy bastard and turned to see the sneer plastered to the face of one of the most implacable of the perpetually perturbed. Seeing the opportunity to slap them around with a routine he was sure the two wizards wouldn't be aware of he answered with a polite and gentle voice, "I've told you once."

"No, you haven't." The sneering and oily voice remarked.

"I most certainly have."

"When?"

"Just now."

"You didn't."

"I did."

"I say you did not!"

"I'm telling you I did."

Nymphadora couldn't believe her ears. The man her mother had betrothed her to was intentionally baiting the Greasy Bastard with a Python skit. She remembered watching it with her father a few years before. It had to be one of the funniest things she'd ever seen. And now it was happening right in front of her: and her husband to be was doing Cleese! Tonks wasn't positive, but she just might forgive him for everything her mother was putting them through now.

"NO you did not!" the potioneer exclaimed in response to the obtuse individual in front of him.

"I can promise you I did." Garret's calm response returned.

Nymphadora couldn't hold it, so she spoke up, "Excuse me, Professor, but is this the five minute argument or is it the full half hour?"

Dumbledore couldn't believe this, "I beg your pardon Nymphadora?"

The girl turned to the Headmaster and answered, overlooking that the hairy bastard had used her most despised name AGAIN, "It's just that the full half hour argument is going to cost five Galleons sir."

At that Garret looked to her and smiled the happiest smile she'd seen from him to date, one that welcomed her and wasn't maniacal when he had disappeared into his basement. It was one that said much more, it was happy and warm and fun filled and said thank you more than anything she'd ever seen. Then he said the words that made her heart beat a lot faster, "Nymphadora, it's that kind of thing that can make me fall in love with you."