A/N:
BregoArodShadowfax: I can't believe it either, but I guess it's because I take longer to update than other people do. I'll try to update faster, see if it changes anything. Thanks for reviewing and I am happy you enjoy my fanfic and the songs! =)
crimsoneyes44: Thanks :) and, oh, thank God the mistakes aren't that bad! I swear I have been tryng. And I'll try to update faster...let's see. Thank you for the review :).
The Obsidian Angel: Thanks! And I know, sometimes the comedy in Ouran angers me. There is too much conflict between the main characters -thanks to the lovely Haruhi- to be just ignored. So I explore it. I'll take a look at what you mentioned and thanks for reviewing!
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My Tourniquet
He has been in New York for two days know. No sign of Tamaki or anyone else for that matter, he is completely alone on this one. Is the day today. The day of the Great Ball, where he is supposed to chose his wife, chose his future.
He sighs. There is no way he is getting out of this one. He finishes dressing his suit and tie, walking without his shoes on yet, he picks a expensive wine from the minibar. If he is actually going on if this may he do it while slightly dizzy. Not an honorable act for someone like him, unfortunately this wine was probably the only thing that would preent him froom fleeing the ball and running away.
He always thought that when the moment to become his father's sucessor came, he would be able to fufill it. He truly believed he had all it took, that not matter what sort of twisted family he had –including his new wife and future children- he would manage. He trusted that his work and professional sucess would compensate it.
Quickly he drinks half the bottle, drowing his thoughts and doubts, the lethargy slowly taking over his senses and he feels glad he drank it, it will make things easier.
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more (so much more)
He puts his shoes and enters the elevator, as it goes down on each floor, it gets crowded, beautiful and elegant women along with their presumptuous husbands. He politely gives space for others to stay and stands in to a small corner, trying not to drive any attention to himself. He does not want that yet.
The elevator finally reaches the floor they all want to go, and as if they were children walking in line to classroom they all go to the same place, the double wooden doors being opened by two smiling waiters.
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
The decoration is impecable, he notices. There is a set of yellow tulips and purple and purple peonys on a vase on top of each table – which were covered by the finest fabrics. Three long candles were aroung the vase, giving it a more elegant touch. The plates were made of porcelain and had a darker beige details. The crystal of the glasses shone along with the silverware. The room was decorated in light brown colors and yellow light. In the end of the room in a small stage there was a long black piano, followed by an also small dancefloor.
His eyes stare at the piano for a while, his mind playing tricks at him; saying that even without Tamaki, anything is better than the compromise he is about to make, anything can be better than an arranged marriage. He ignores his sudden burst of conciousness and focus on the decoration again.
There were few tables set, this was a really private event, only the best and most worthy families were invited. His was already sitting in one of the fancy tables, talking in low tones so no one would hear. His father was scanning the room, looking at the best 'wife material'girl he could find.
Suddenly he wish he had actually drowned in the white wine he was previously drinking.
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Kyoya meets his bride and family of the one and faces his future life, what it will be and how he is slowly losing himself in the lies his family creates. He is slowly fading away and dying forgetting who he is and what his purposes are.
She isn't ugly, he knows. As a matter of fact she resembles Tamaki in a very frightening way. Her eyes are a mix of light blue and green, reminding him of Éclair, her pale –almost white- blonde hair is extremly long, curling at the end. The main difference is the glint in her eyes. It is sharp, strong and guarded. Unlike Tamaki's opened and soft look, a look of happiness.
The girl and her parents apparently were located on the very same table as the Ootoris. Coincidence? I believe not. The girls parents exchange looks between each other and with their daughter, talking through them, though Kyoya is sure they love him.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
For a moment he wished they hated him. He is tired and worried, he is drowning. This is his family, his future. Suddenly he is in to this so deep that he wonders if the Kyoya Tamaki discovered ever truly existed.
Is it too late for him to still save a part of himself? Will his smiles ever be truthful again? How far is he on this competition? This game. He thought he loved this game and to a point he still does. But is he willing to sell himself, his soul for it?
Is he willing to sell his future and bring children into the world so they could have the same faith that he currently has?
As if there was a way out. There is none. What can he possibly do but marry her and live the life –the lie- that is expected from him? He will be the owner of the Ootori Companys, first in command, but right now he questions if all of this is worth it.
But without this and without Ouran and the Host Club...what would ever be with him?
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
"There is one thing I am concerned though." He heard his future father-in-law say in such a business-like tone. "Where will they live? After all you are from Japan, we are from France but our companies need to expand, another reason as to why we came here this week."
At least they are from Tamaki's country, that would give Kyoya a lot of excuses to visit the blonde after he marries Haruhi and moves back to France. The brunette swallows hard and dry at the thought, immediatly taking a sip of his champagne, trying to avoid the nauseating feeling that threatens to return.
"I've been thinking of investing more in America as well. New York is a good city for such investments, I believe they can stay here while they don't have any children." Children. Kyoya contained a shiver at the word. In a few years he would have to be a father. F-a-t-h-e-r. To make a child pass through the same thing...what an unfortunate world.
Do you remember me
Lost for so long
"Oh certainly, New York is perfect for business, but as you said only until our grandsons come on their way." Both men chuckle and Kyoya think that if he recorded this he could sell it and use it as a devil's laugh in some terror movie. Let's also emphasize part of the word grandsons. A male heir- heirs.
"I believe they can decide where to go after that, right dear? Maybe Marin would like to come back to France to raise our grandchildren." The mother-in-law says, her husband momentarily glaring at her. Grandchildren, apparently she does not like this whole company game as well. She is worried about her precious daughter.
"I am sure that they can make that decision on their own once the time comes." The husband says, this is his way to tell her to shut up. They can't decide, Yoshio and him will decide their lives for them. That's obvious.
They all nod. Kyoya only watches, the girl – Marin- observes everyone as well, stopping to stare at him for a moment. They couldn't be more apart than now. They are strangers, completely unknown and yet, engaged.
Will you be on the other side
or will you forget me?
He looks at his sister. Fuyumi looks in the verge of tears, her shiny eyes partially hidden by the some bangs of her dark hair. He catches Kyoya's stare and let's even more emotion show in her two orbs. He is desperate, hurting, not believing in any of this. She is suffering for him, absorbing his pain, smiling sadly at him. After all she already is going through what he will, she had her own arranged marriage.
He turns his gaze away, if he continues this he may start thinking too much and end up losing his composure just like his sister did. They finish talking about arrangements and all the wedding plans and Kyoya almost sighs in relief.
He wonders what will happen with Tamaki without Kyoya there. Will Haruhi be able to handle the blonde by herself? Doubtfully. He sighs this time, the ache in his heart becoming unbearable as he realizes how much he misses the blonde, as he remembers that he had to leave the country even though they had just fought.
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
Tamaki is on the other side of the globe, completely losing it. He never guessed that life without Kyoya would be so difficult and it had only been four days since he left! But these four days have been hell. He arrives everyday at school, stupidly hoping that Kyoya will be on his seat, waiting for him.
He remembers how his back turned to him, how he didn't look back as he left the Host Club. How he did not even call, not allowing Tamaki to say a "have a safe trip". Is this the way Kyoya felt when Tamaki was about to leave for France?
Why did they feel like this? Why do they? What is happening to them? Why is there something telling Tamaki that all of this is not normal between two friends? How come is Tamai hugging his pillow, crying silently...for both mothers.
Why does he wish to bury his head in Kyoya's chest instead? Why does he want to be as close to the other boy as possible? Why does he misses the way Kyoya smells at nights, right after the shower before they go to bed?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
How lost are they? How dependant of each other are they now? Apparently a lot. At least for Tamaki. The past days, everytime he entered the Host Club and saw Kyoya's empty chair, he froze for at least two minutes, before someone –usually Haruhi- reminded him of his 'King' duties.
What was the fun anyway? He created this club with Kyoya. Who could be there to listen to his ideas but Kyoya? Who would he complain about the devilish twins? No one, not even Haruhi.
She didn't smile slightly, only the corner of her lips curving, she didn't close her eyes in amusement, her voice didn't get softer as she spoke to him. She is not Mommy. And Daddy cannot stand being away from Mommy.
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
His breath gets caught in his throat. He can't lose two mommy's at once. Not both of them, not the ones that matter the most. Besides, he shouldn't be like this, he knows Kyoya will come back.
But he is frightened because for the first time Kyoya travelled without him, after a fight. He feels as if the Kyoya he knew is disappearing before his eyes and there is nothing he can do. Or there is something but he can't grasp what is.
He needs to save Kyoya from all of this, all that is taking the brunette away from him. He will not allow that this world takes away the amazing and lovely boy he actually met that afternoon on the Ootori State. He has to do for Kyoya what Kyoya did for him when he was about to leave to France.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Kyoya did not tell him, but in truth he didn't need to. In a way sometimes, when he remembers that day, he wishes Kyoya was there as well. He wonders how he would react if he heard the brunette saying "I love the Host Club as well." Knowing the meaning behind the phrase.
He shudders everytime he wonders about this, his heart starts beating a little faster and he can't help but smile as he imagines the look on Kyoya's eyes if he had been the one to say the words that made him stay.
And he also feels pained to know that Kyoya hurt his hand, punching a car out of pure anger. He knows how hurt he must have felt now. How betrayed and desperate, he wish he could make Kyoya understand that this is how he feels right now.
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
If only he knew that Kyoya is feeling the exact same thing. The pain of leaving everything he considered precious up 'till now, behind. He feels like he is killing a part of himself, or maybe the only real him.
In reality there is no way he can detach who he became from Tamaki, the blonde is the reason as to why everything changed. Besides, he was only indulging himself and his selfish wishes and dreams because he had the hope that Tamaki would be there for him.
Without him there, what is the point in saving his dreams and wishes from his future? There is absolutely no purpose in doing so. The onix eyed soon to be man lays on the bed, staring the ceiling and recalling the events of this twisted day. His heart aches, his body and mind aches...his soul cries.
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Slowly, thought by thought, action by action he is pratically signing his death. Not an actual death, but the death of the Kyoya everyone knew, the death of everything he and Tamaki built.
The teenage years are ending, the world is pushing him to his destiny and he can't do nothing but follow the path shown to him. He feels his past slip through his fingers, in a way he knew would happen sometime. But it would have been more subtle if it happened while Tamaki dated Haruhi. It would hurt less if he wasn't the one drifting apart so quickly.
This is the end of a chapter in Kyoya's life. The begining of a new one, one that resembles a lot his father's life. It is the walk towards the guillotine, only that Kyoya is willingly going. He is accepting the fate that his father built for him.
Will I be denied?
Christ, Tourniquet
My suicide.
His suicide.
