When I Lay Our Baby Down
Chapter 7 Stabler Unravels
"Liv! Come in, Isaac is sleeping." Alex smiled opening the door to allow Olivia to enter.
"Sorry it took so long." Olivia exhaled deeply as she ran her hand through her hair.
"Not a problem, Isaac and I sat around and did absolutely nothing but watch Court TV." She laughed offering Olivia a water.
"You missin' the courtroom Alex?" Olivia asked sitting at the table and opening the bottle.
"No…yes…I love my job, it's just that teaching the 'Zoophonics' alphabet over and over isn't as stimulating as battling it out in the courtroom." Alex sighed, "But I love having stable hours and weekends off where I'm not preparing long drawn out arguments so I suppose it balances out." She shrugged her shoulders and then narrowed her sights at Olivia.
"What's with the long face Liv?" Alex asked leaning onto the table.
Olivia took a deep breath and took a drink of her water, "Nothing really, I guess, I'm just a little stressed out right now…a case."
"Ah, see, that's the kind of stress I don't miss." Alex laughed and then steadied herself noticing Olivia's expression.
"Alright, Liv, what's really wrong?" Alex asked in a welcoming tone knowing it could be tough for Olivia to open up.
Olivia bit her lip, "Um, Elliot and I got in a fight last night."
"Ah, I see…you two doing okay?" Alex took a drink of her water.
"Yeah, I'm pretty confidant we are but he said something that really bothered me and I'm not exactly sure what he meant." Olivia rubbed her the back of her neck, "I'm sure he didn't mean it but that certainly didn't soften the blow." She exhaled.
"Have you been able to talk about it with him?"
"I'm scared to, he's going through something that he wont let me in on and I don't want to add more stress to his life." Olivia offered knowing that she just flat out wanted to avoid another argument.
"Well it'll come up one way or another and it's a lot less explosive if you bring it up before it brings itself up." Alex smiled as if she were speaking from experience.
Olivia was ready to offer up a counter argument when she heard Isaac's waking cries. "Ah, looks like I better get a move on, I'm not sure when Elliot is coming home," she spoke thankful Isaac had saved her from the rest of the impending conversation. "And this little guy needs a bath." She laughed pulling him into his embrace. "How much do I owe you Alex?"
"What! I'm insulted, I love having that kid here, don't even think about it and don't hesitate to call me again." Alex smiled offering the diaper bag to Olivia.
Olivia took Alex into a side hug and squeezed her tightly, "I'm so blessed to have you back."
Alex laughed, "Yeah you are!"
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Olivia cradled a cup of chocolate in her hands as she sat silently on the couch after laying Isaac down for the night. She turned the television on and muted the sound in order to let her thoughts wonder. Maybe you should reconsider that! The words mulled over in her mind. Why would I want to? This is the happiest I've been my entire life. She rested her head on her palm and balanced the mug on her bent knee. She didn't know exactly why Elliot was going through such a terrible time. He had seemed elated when Isaac was born; she smiled remembering how she had to practically pry the baby out of his arms when he insisted the baby sleep with them. It wasn't that she didn't like being with Isaac, she just didn't want him to get use to being in bed with mom and dad.
Olivia shook her head knowing she had been just as stubborn and just as wounded as he seemed to be in his current situation. She also knew that it was Elliot's patient love that allowed her to finally break down. She took a sip of her chocolate and wondered how long their rough spot would last. Her thoughts were broken when she heard the front door open and Elliot fumbling, trying to be as quiet as possible as he stored his shoes and weapon.
Elliot saw the blue glow from the muted TV and called softly, "Liv?"
"Yeah," She responded with equal softness but made no attempt to move from her space, she felt a tinge of anger flow through her at the sound of his voice. But when she saw his wounded eyes, it quickly subsided and was replaced with compassion.
"Can I talk to you?" he asked loosening his tie and rolling his sleeves up
"Sure," She settled her mug on the coffee table and drew a pillow over her legs that were tangled into an Indian style position. "What's on your mind?"
Elliot sat next to her, "I owe you an apology."
"For what?" She asked forcing him to say it, to verbalize his mistake.
"I'm so sorry I snapped at you last night." He said taking hold of her hand and searching her face. He could tell from her pooling eyes that he had hurt her deeply. "I'm sorry I told you to reconsider being my wife, the truth is that I would loose my mind if I couldn't come home to you every night."
"That really hurt Elliot." She whispered looking down at they're tangled fingers.
Elliot shook his head exhaling a breath, "I can only imagine, please forgive me Liv."
Olivia turned her face away gathering her reasons as to why she had the right to be angry and why she needed to forgive him. She weighed them carefully before responding, "You're absolutely forgiven," she whispered and cleared her throat in an effort to find a stronger voice, "but, can I ask you something?"
"Go for it." He narrowed his eyes, focusing on her, thankful for her willingness to forgive but equally worried about the impending question.
"When I'm hurting, your so patient and compassionate with me, and you force me to open up to you, but when things get rough on your end, you call our marriage into question…why?" She searched his face expecting to see his mind frantically working to backpedal and begin damage control, she found nothing of that.
Elliot bowed his head and readjusted him self on the couch. "Liv," his voice was almost inaudible as he swallowed, "I'm scared."
Olivia furrowed her brows not exactly sure she wanted to know the answer to her next question, she asked it anyway, "Of being with me?"
"No, I love being with you." He held her hand tighter. "I'm scared that you're going to leave me."
"Elliot, you make me smile everyday, you make me forget that I was once a miserable person who never wanted to love or expected to be loved. I'd never leave you." She whispered caressing his cheek and forcing him to look at her. "What's eating you up? Talk to me…Please."
"I don't deserve Isaac and I especially don't deserve you." He furrowed his brows in an effort to keep his emotions in check.
"What? Why would you say that?" She asked careful to keep her voice from sounding harsh.
"Liv, I've done something…" he bowed his head, "that you don't necessarily know about."
Olivia's eyes widened, Oh crap! She thought but forced herself not to flinch or withdraw her touch. "Elliot, I hate to burst your bubble, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to make me leave you." Olivia took his hand into hers, "Your shaking." She whispered and moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. "I'm not going anywhere." She separated from him and kissed his lips softly, not allowing herself to engage him completely, not wanting to change the subject but wanting him to understand her commitment, "I'm ready to listen if your ready to talk."
"Olivia," he cleared his throat, "You know the dream I keep having?"
"The soldier and Isaac, yeah I remember, did you have it again?" she asked hoping it would be as easy as this dream but knowing it was something far greater…completely darker.
"Yeah," he bit his bottom lip, wondering how it was possible that he had acquired Olivia's nervous reaction.
"Why does this dream consume you Elliot?" she asked not expecting a correct answer but wanting him to simply talk.
"In the dream there's a soldier, and he's in his battle dress uniform," Elliot took in a deep breath, "When I first had the dream I couldn't tell who the soldier was, but the more the dream reoccurred, I could start to see more evidence of who this man was."
"What did you see?"
"He was a Marine and after he shot…" Elliot paused unable to process the thought of his son being murdered. "I rushed him and when we hit the ground I was starring at me." She felt his grip on her hand loosen and she grabbed him tighter.
Olivia processed what Elliot was telling her as his eyes pooled with tears, her voice was choked with her own emotion finally realizing what Elliot was telling her, "You were the soldier."
Elliot shook his head confirming her statement but unable to look at his wife.
"Elliot, that soldier isn't you." She ran her hand through his short hair and traced his tense shoulders stopping at his chest. His heart seemed to be beating as if it were sustaining life for an entire nation.
"Yes it is." He responded shaking his head. "I killed him, I warned him and he wouldn't listen." Elliot tried to flee the couch but was held firm by Olivia's grasp.
"Elliot, I don't understand what you're telling me." She positioned herself digging her knees into the sofa and embracing him tightly kissing his forehead. "What are you telling me?"
Elliot took hold of her waist resting his head on her abdomen as he cried softly, "I was only twenty when I got orders to go to Dessert Storm."
Olivia closed her eyes knowing that what she was about to hear was probably something that Elliot had never spoken about in years, she prepared herself mentally knowing it was going to be another long night. She whispered holding him tightly, "Tell me what happened."
Elliot offered her freedom from his grasp and she released hers slightly but insisted on touching him and allowing him to touch her, she needed to let him know she was there no matter what he was going to tell her.
"We were coming into what we thought was friendly territory when snipers started firing." Elliot closed his eyes leaning back into the couch, "They train us to be killing machines, to kill without hesitation."
Olivia let him speak at his own pace, offered him time to gather his thoughts, his face was tense as if he was reliving one of the most traumatic parts of his life and she had a feeling he was.
"We took cover where we could find it and we ended up being separated from the rest of the pack, Velasquez followed me closely, I could feel his hand on my back as we moved through an alley, I heard a shot and then his hand wasn't there, I could feel his blood on my neck and I knew he was dead."
"All wars have casualties Elliot, even the best soldiers and marines die." Olivia offered her words but knew they were useless in comparison to what he was feeling.
"I think it was Sorino who took out the first sniper. We moved in quick and I remember another shot and the marine to my left falling…I ran into the house that was just across the way, the women were yelling and I couldn't understand them." He shook his head in disbelief, she didn't know if it was disbelief of the situation or of the pain and confusion he was expressing.
"Suddenly this boy is pointing an AK-47 at me."
"I raised my weapon and yelled at him to stop, he stared at me completely fearless." Elliot whispered starring into the cushion of the couch. "The women kept screaming and screaming and my finger was on the trigger and I yelled and yelled at the boy to put his gun down and he stepped closer." He exhaled deeply rubbing his swollen eyes.
"Elliot-"
"Liv," he cut her off forcing himself to keep talking, "He pointed the gun at me and when he took the third step and chambered the round" Elliot's voice was reduced to a harsh whisper, "I pulled the trigger."
"Your life was in danger," she offered him reasoning, "you reacted."
"He was ten." Elliot rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, "Manjeet Arafin, was ten."
Olivia wrapped her arms around him again, she had no words to sooth him, no wisdom to offer him to make the pain go away and so she offered him what she knew, "I love you and I'm still here."
"I don't want to hurt Isaac." He whispered.
Olivia suddenly put the whole situation into perspective; somehow Elliot had made the conclusion that by shooting a boy during war, he was a child killer. "Elliot, look at me." She spoke firmly, "You reacted in a time of war to save your own life." She took his face in her hands, "That has nothing to do with Isaac, you're a good father…why do you think you would hurt him?" She asked wondering how this man who was her foundation, could doubt himself when it came to his son.
"I don't know," He shook his head "I never thought about that day in the war until this dream kept coming up over and over again, and when I brought the gun into his nursery and I saw your face and heard you yelling and Isaac screaming and screaming, it was like being in that house again and I saw myself shooting that little boy again."
"Honey, I can't even imagine what it must feel like to carry this for all these years, but you can't doubt yourself with Isaac, he needs you if he's gonna have a chance to make it in life." She rubbed his back gently feeling his body shudder as he tried to take in breath and hold in his tears.
"I saw you when you ran into Isaac's room with your gun drawn and I'm not going to lie, you scared the crap out of me. But I saw you and you never once aimed that weapon anywhere near Isaac, you were searching for someone that you thought was hurting your son Elliot, you were protecting him…that's what father's do when their family is threatened." Olivia smiled softly taking his face into her hands and kissing him gently, "I'm still here."
Elliot rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes in an effort to calm his aching body, "Thank you." He whispered, kissing her lightly and exhaling deeply.
"Can I ask you something?" Olivia decided since the ship was being battered it may as well broach one more swell. When Elliot shook his head in agreement, she touched him softly, "Why did you think I would leave you?"
Elliot pressed his lips together and then spoke with shame covered words, "because I killed that little boy, I took an innocent life and I didn't want you to see me as some…some…perp. I didn't want you to worry when I was with Isaac."
Olivia smiled gently at his own concern for his son, he may not have seen it as concern but in a twisted way she could. "I have never worried about leaving Isaac with you…Munch? Yes, but never you."
Olivia allowed Elliot to rest his head in her lap as he looked up at her. She rested her hand just under his T-shirt and drew tiny shapes with her fingers as she watched the tired and beaten man in front of her fight sleep. "Liv?" he said sleepily.
"Hmmm?"
"We don't have to work tomorrow, do you think we could go out just the three of us and spend some time together?"
Olivia lowered her lips to his kissing him, "You know what?" She smiled "I'd like that."
