A/N- Hello everyone.. just letting you know I'm still here, I did not forget about the updates.. Yesterday was a hectic day at school and that was when I had planned on posting this chapter. Unfortunately by the time I got home it was time to cook dinner and then do some house work.. Here it is a day late, but at least it's not like a week late. Like I said I've decided not to change anything with these last few chapters, so if you've already read it, I'm sorry; if you haven't then I hope you enjoy!
I got a couple of different votes on how to post the chapters. Thank you for responding to that.. I have decided to do everyday until it I finish posting the first half of the story, then when it comes to posting the new stuff I am going to post every other day. The only reason why i am changing it is because my friend is currently reading over the chapters so that I can make sure that it is flowing okay. I'm hoping she can help me with the second half so that it can be as good as the first couple of chapter were.
Thank you for hanging in there. Why are you still reading this? start the chapter.. you might like it :)
Chapter 7 The Incident
EPOV
As I sat there and listened to Bella describe what had happened to her I felt tormented. I could not believe that someone would do this to her. I could not believe that I let it happen.
I wanted nothing more but to go and suck that guy dry of all his blood. I thought about it and I caught Alice shooting a slight glower my direction, and I decided it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Bella required me here now.
I had left once and she had suffered through this horrible fate. It pained me that she said she had decided not to tell anyone. I was curious as to how she was able to tell us now. She had a far away look; like what Alice gets when she has a vision.
Her eyes were brimming with tears, but they did not fall. I could not believe this had happened. Then she got rally quiet. I looked up at her and she was taking in everyone expressions in the room. I could tell from everyone's thoughts that they were all pretty upset with what they just heard. How could the not be?
Bella was family. Even though we had left, I had made them leave, everyone still thought of her as family. It was clear by their thoughts that this would never change. She was their child and their sister. She was still my mate. I would find a way to make things right. Even though I can not take back the things that happened, I could find a way to make her see that I would never leave her again and I will never let harm come her way. I will protect her with everything I have in me.
"I was wrong though." She looked at Alice who looked as though she was confused by Bella's statement. Everyone was pretty much in shock from finding out what had happened. It looked as though Alice was the only one that she could stand to make eye contact with. She avoided everyone else gaze.
"What do you mean Bella? What were you wrong about?" Bella looked down at her hands. She hesitated as though she was fighting an internal battle. Then a pained look overtook her features. We were all waiting with baited breath for her to answer. To tell us what she had been wrong about.
"Well, after it happened, I didn't talk to anyone. I had gone with Jessica because my dad had threatened to send me back to Phoenix with my mom, but I didn't want to." I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she would want to stay here in Forks. If she would have went to Phoenix this wouldn't have happened. She might have even found someone else by now. I decided I could live with her decision to stay.
"So I decided to show him I could change; that I could be better. So I started talking to people at school again and going out to the movies and dinner and stuff." She wasn't talking to people? I know Alice said she had been as miserable if not more so than myself, but I couldn't believe that she would just shut everyone out.
I was looking up at her waiting for her to continue. I know pain was written all over my face because I could not believe how horrible life was for her after we left. If I had known she would have suffered this much I never would have left. Looking back now I realize that the bad outweighed the good. All of sudden her eyes locked with mine. It made me happy that she would look at me. I felt as though she was looking to me for comfort. The only time we had been alone, she had told me there was nothing to discuss.
I wanted to get up and go to her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her everything would be fine, but I knew she wasn't ready. I knew she was in pain; I wanted to make it go away, but she needed time. I was willing to give it to her. I would never hurt her again. I wanted to make things better. For this reason I would give her space.
Then her eyes left mine too soon. She looked back down at her hands. It seemed as though they were her safe haven. "Well I was like that before the incident too I didn't talk to anyone. So no one really thought anything of it. They just thought I was hurting over Edward again. So no one asked." Upon hearing this I wanted to pull my hair out. If I could cry I would have been sobbing because it hurt so much. It pained me to know that because I left she retreated into herself. She cleared her throat.
Again it seemed as though she was having an internal debate. At this point I realized how hard his was for her. It must pain her a great deal to re-live these events. All she wanted to do was put our minds at ease, but it hurt me more knowing that we were causing more pain for her. By allowing her to tell us these stories we were causing pain yet again.
"Look I'm not going to give details or anything, but after a while I felt dead inside. I just wanted it all to end. I tried committing suicide. It wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last. After you left," I looked up at Edward and he looked like he would cry if he could, "I jumped off of the cliff in La Push. I wasn't really trying to kill myself it just looked like a good idea. Jake pulled me out."
I couldn't help it. I let out a growl; it was entirely instinctual. I could believe that she had done that. I stood and started to walk towards her. As I did this she looked up and I know she saw the look in my eyes. She had the same look on her face that she did the first day that I met her in Biology.
Emmett and Carlisle intercepted me. They pulled me back and put me back in the seat. They then stood on either side of me holding me down. I could hear the chair creaking under the pressure. I was only thinking of one thing, a promise. The promise. "You promised Bella!"
She looked as though she were about to counter my revelation with one of her own. Alice put her hand on her shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. Then she glared in my direction and her thoughts completely mirrored her verbal words. "Let he finish Edward I'm sure this is hard for her." Alice looked at Bella with a reassuring look and nodded her head for her to continue.
"After the cliff I never tried again until about a month after the… the incident. I tried three times all very unsuccessful. The first and second time, it is because it was poorly thought out. I didn't really want to think about doing it; it was more of a natural reflex I would spot something and use it." Alice gave her a questioning look. I sat in my seat fuming. How could she break her promise? How could she try and kill herself? Take her own life? She shrugged her shoulders and when Alice wouldn't relent, it looked as though Bella was giving in and going to give us some insight into what happened.
"Okay. Well the second time I saw my dads shaving blade in the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeve and started to cut my wrist. It was obviously not thought through because I can not stand the smell of blood and I passed out before I could do any major damage." She looked back up at Alice; it seemed as though she were looking for approval of some sort.
Alice looked defeated. It looked as though Bella was going to continue her retell of what happened. She didn't get a chance to though because Alice cut in. "All this time we were trying to stop your blood from being spilt and you let it flow freely." Bella laughed a little. No one in the room could believe it. All eyes went to her. She was laughing about trying to kill herself? Did she think this was funny?
"Sorry it's just slightly funny. I wanted it to flow yes. Flow it did not. I woke up with a little spot of dried blood on my arm. I wasn't kidding when I said I passed before I could do any damage. I don't even have a scar." She looked back at us. We were all speechless and still staring unabashedly at her. "Sorry, I guess I've had more time to process what happened than you have. It's kind of behind me. I'm not saying I like talking about it; it's definitely easier than I thought it would be to tell you guys. Its just I've only told a very few people."
Alice placed her hand on Bella's. Alice was willing her to continue. Bella obviously got the message because she went on with what she was saying before her little hysterical outburst. "Anyways, the third time I tried, I was almost successful. It wasn't thought out, but it was definitely a better spur of the moment idea…." I still could not believe she had tried to kill herself three times.
Bella's POV
"Anyways, the third time I tried, I was almost successful. It wasn't thought out, but it was definitely a better spur of the moment idea…."
Going back to that night was hard. That's the night I knew I needed to tell someone. I mean I didn't really have much of a choice.
Flashback
Playground school bell rings again,
Rain clouds come to play again,
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,
Hello...
If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,
Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,
Don´t cry...
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday
I couldn't believe it was only Monday. At least school was out for the day. I wanted nothing more right now than a hot shower and to sleep from now until school tomorrow. Of course I would just sleep forever if I could, but that wasn't plausible.
I was still trying to push everything down and out of myself. Trying to act like nothing happened, like everything was okay. But it seemed like that only made everything worse. Everyday I seemed to die a little more inside. I thought it was bad at first, and I've tried to end my life two times since the party. Now I know its bad.. I don't feel… anything… I'm literally dead.
I got out of my car and sluggishly climbed the stairs to my room. I set my bag down and grabbed my worn out jeans and wholly old tee shirt. I went to the bathroom and started the water. I striped down making sure not to look in the mirror. I was at the point where I could barely even look at myself. Every time I got dressed I just looked down at myself and as long as my skin was covered I was good to go.
I stayed in the shower until the water pressure started to slow. The pipes were probably frozen again. I would have to leave Charlie a note so they don't burst. Once I was dressed I decided I should probably wash my face. I would only have to look in the mirror for a couple of seconds for that.
I reached inside of the medicine cabinet for my facial wash and my hand stopped mid air. There was a pill bottle and I instantly knew what it was. Without really knowing what I was doing I grabbed it instead. I shook it and knew there were ten pills left.
It was from after the incident in Phoenix when I broke my leg. I had only tried to take it twice. It turned out that I had an adverse reaction to the vicodin. It made me sleep for a whole day and I would wake up feeling nauseous. So I was almost positive I could use this to my advantage.
I ran down the stairs with the bottle in my hand, I reached into the fridge for some water, but then I saw a glint of silver on the fridge and remembered there was a flask up there. I wasn't sure if it had alcohol in it, but it was worth a try it would definitely make things go a little quicker.
I brought over one of the kitchen chairs and climbed on it to reach the flask. As soon as it was in my hands I could hear the liquid swishing around. I knew right away there was definitely something in there. I just hoped it would do the trick.
As I got down from the chair I saw the notepad with the pen attached on the fridge. I figured the least I could do is leave some sort of note. That way my parents would know that this wasn't their fault. What I was doing had nothing to do with them. It was all me.
I walked to the living room with the bottle, flask, and pad and pen. I sat at the sofa and set everything down. I thought for a moment and all I could come up with was a song that reflected some of my emotions. I could alter it some so that it said what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words for.
I picked up the pad and pen. I looked at the clock I had less than half an hour before I could expect Charlie. I began to write furiously:
Mom, Dad,
Let me apologize to begin with. Trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed and somehow I got caught up in between. I got caught between the lies and how the truth gets in the way. The things I want to say to you get lost before they come. The only thing that's worse than one is none. Trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed. I cannot explain to you in anything I saw or do. I hope my actions speak louder than my words.
I'm so sorry, but I'm dead inside and I'm just ready for it to end. Edward left, and then I was trying to be normal for everyone and then it just got me in more trouble. I was raped at the party I went to with Jess about a month and a half ago. I'm so sorry. I love you both.
Isabella
That's what I came up with I couldn't even bother to say goodbye properly. I put it down looked at the time one more time. I was cutting it close I had maybe ten minutes if I was lucky. I would have to overdo this so that I would be gone before he got home.
I grabbed four pills and downed them with a couple of large gulps of the whiskey. I was pretty sure that would do the trick. When I didn't feel dizzy right away I figured I might as well down all of the whiskey. I had had enough misses on doing this. It was not going to happen again I was going to get it right this time.
When I finally started to feel dizzy from the whiskey, I decided to lay back on the sofa and get comfortable. This was the last time I would be on Earth. I allowed my self to think over my life. Things about my parents, my friends, even the Cullen's. I spent a long time thinking about the days I spent in the meadow with Edward. That's it, if I had to describe heaven it would be the meadow.
I could feel myself drifting away. The light was dimming and I could feel the cold and see the darkness approaching. I knew I wasn't gone yet. I heard a car pulling up on the gravel outside. I heard doors shut and laughter. Then I head the screaming.
"Bella! Oh my God Bella! What did you do?"
"Shit call 911! Do it Now!"
"Bella honey wake up!"
I couldn't see them everything was black. I knew the voiced, but I couldn't place them at the moment. I vaguely remember feeling someone place their hands on my shoulder and start shaking me. Everything was black now and I was happy. The voices slowly faded.
Death was peaceful. Death I could stand. Life was horrid and I had no idea why people feared death. In that moment death seemed like the ideal thing.
I looked to Alice. She looked as if she was in deep thought. "I can't believe I didn't see any of this. Why didn't I see how miserable you were? I mean it was before you started hanging out with the wolves right?"
I shook my head, "I really have no idea Alice. All I can think of is maybe it was because everything was a split second decision. I was on autopilot most of the time. When I did make a decision it wasn't until the exact second it was going to happen." It didn't make since that she couldn't see me, but this is the best I could come up with.
"Who came into the house and what happened?" I was surprised when I looked up to see it was jasper that was asking this. He hadn't really spoken to me at all since they came back. Although he probably felt everyone's confusion, hell I felt their confusion and I didn't even have that power. I mean I know I did.
Here I am telling them I died; yet here I am sitting in front of them. I'm sure they figured out the basics, but I don't blame them for wanting to know more. I would too. I actually still wanted to know more about what happened. All I know for sure is that they pumped my stomach and here I am.
"Seriously the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital. My dad, Jake and Billy were all there in my room waiting for me to come to. According to my dad Jake had stayed while I was out for three days." This is always where my brain wants to turn off and forget. I hated the look on my dad face. And I hated how it made me feel. Especially since I had failed for the third time.
I started to come to it was so bright. I thought I was in heaven. Then I felt the pain in my stomach and I knew I had failed again. "Shit!" I cursed under my breath. How could that not have worked? It didn't make sense. Just the alcohol pill combo should have killed me.
My dad must have heard me because he jumped to my bedside.
"Bella your awake!" My dad declared a little too happy if you ask me under the circumstances.
"Finally." I looked over to see Jake coming towards my bed, but he was looking at the floor. It was like he couldn't stand to look at me.
"Are you okay Bella?" My father looked over my body frantically. He must have heard me curse. I just nodded my head and as soon as he saw that his features instantly changed from worry to disappointment.
"What were you thinking? Why would you do this?" I just stared at him for a second. Was he disappointed in the fact that I had tried to kill myself? Or was it that I had allowed myself to be raped? I wasn't sure, but I needed to know how much he knew.
I looked over at Jake and our eyes met. He looked so sad. I didn't understand why though. I looked back to my dad and decided I should just ask and get it out of the way. "Did you get my note?" His face instantly changed from disappointment to extremely pained. I knew he had gotten it in that instant. He nodded his head slightly. He looked towards Jake. This made me follow his gaze.
"Jake found the note." I winced internally I really didn't want anyone besides my parents to know. I looked back to my dad. "Bella, why didn't you tell me or your mother? We could have helped you through this. It would have been a lot easier for you. We could have-" I cut him off there I know what they would have done.
"So you could have what dad? So you could have sent me to live with mom? I'm sure you wouldn't want to deal with you tainted daughter! And what then? Maybe a shrink to psycho analyze me and tell me nothing was my fault? That I have nothing to be guilty about! What a load of crap. It's all my fault. I fell for Edward, I went to the party, and I drank! It's my entire fault. I just want to die I can't do this anymore it hurts too much…" I tapered off at the end not really knowing what else I wanted to say.
Charlie looked so sad when I looked him back in the eyes. He looked broken. Or maybe it was defeated. "Bella I don't know what we would have done, but we could have gotten through it together. Now, yes, you will be going to therapy and I think it will help a great deal. You need it. Maybe we will do a family session too." I was surprised that he was willing to go too.
With this new revelation I just wanted to agree. Charlie wouldn't agree to go discuss his feelings unless he really thought it would do some good. "Okay… can I just be alone for a little bit? I just want to rest." Charlie nodded and I felt Jake give my leg a little touch. Then they were all gone. I just lay on my side and silently cried until I fell asleep.
"Needless to say everyone found out about my attempted suicide. That kind of thing is hard to keep quiet in such a small town. But so far that I know of there is only a small circle of people who know about the rape, my dad, mom, Jake, Billy, a couple of doctors here, and my therapist. Of course the circle just grew by seven." I said with a slight smile. I was trying to lessen the tension in the room that naturally comes with my life story.
"Thank you for telling us." Alice smiled a reassuring smile at me. I couldn't help but smile back. I rested my head on her shoulder and she rubbed my back a bit. Then the one person spoke who I wasn't expecting to hear from at all.
"So I do not understand, you said you were a zombie when you started hanging out with the dog. Why is that? I mean if you went to therapy and got help then you were better right? So what else happened?" I couldn't believe that he could actually be so dense. He actually thought that I was an instant cure.
"What do I look like a chia pet? I wasn't just cured like that." I snapped my fingers to emphasize my point. "I was better after the hospital. I opened up to my mom and dad and told them what happened at the party. It was a little uncomfortable to talk about, but it felt good to know that they knew and they wanted to help. Then I went to the therapist and he said I had a personality disorder. He said he had a prescription that would help level out my moods." A shudder went down my back. I hated how those pills made me feel, but I tried, I really did.
"So I took the pills. They evened me out alright. I was right back to being a zombie. I withdrew from everyone again. And then Charlie took me to the res and I started playing." I remember the way I felt when I played. I felt. That's all that mattered. It didn't matter what it was all that mattered is that it could make me feel again.
"When I got the little jolt of feeling I reveled in it. And then they asked me to join their band. I stayed on the pills for a couple more days, but I wanted to feel more. So I flushed the pills and skipped my therapy sessions. I remember after a couple of days the fog wore off and I felt so much more than I thought I could." I looked to Alice who was now smiling like a Cheshire cat. She looked as happy as I had felt on the drums.
I shook my head and looked back to the others. "I never thought I would feel so alive again. So alive and happy. I thought I was truly dead. But I wasn't I was just sleeping and I needed something to jolt me awake. I found it in music. This is still amazing for me because after you left I couldn't even listen to music." At the last part I looked to Edward. "I never knew how happy it could make me. At first it reminded me too much of you, but then I made it my own and I am truly happy."
"So Charlie let you quit?" Of course it would be Emmett to ask this. Always the curious one. I'm sure he is thinking that I still need therapy.
"Yeah he let me quit. He was just happy that I was out and about. I was always with the guys. Still am except for this weekend. So I think he just liked the idea that I wasn't zombiefied. I mean don't get me wrong I still have bad days, but now there are people there to share them with. They help me. Especially Jacob and Embry. They are the ones I usually run to. They always say things that calm me and it is usually just really good advice." I love my guys. They are my life.
Edward stood at this moment. "I'm glad to know that everything worked out for you Bella." With that he walked out of the room. I looked to Alice, but she just gave me a sympathetic smile. Since I knew I wasn't going to get an answer that was my queue to leave.
"Okay, on that happy note. I'm going to go get dressed and grab my stuff. I need to go blow off some steam with the guys. Whenever I do this specific trip down memory lane I feel like hitting something, better the drums than a person." I didn't wait for approval. I turned and walked brusquely up the stairs.
When I came back down stairs I said my goodbyes to everyone. They made me promise to come back again soon. And I of course would. I missed them so much. I would probably be over here as much as possible catching up. They had been gone for years.
I got in the car with Alice and decided I wanted to just go to La Push right away. And she could just drop me off and I could get a ride back later. So I sent Jake a text and Alice said she could just drop my at the treaty line.
As soon as I saw Jake's car I said bye to Alice and made my way to Jake. I'm glad I didn't have school anymore. I would have so much more time with everyone.
