Author's Note: In the first part of this chapter, I'm gonna take a shot at writing from Lt. Rogir's point of view (Rogir is the new character that I mentioned at the end of the previous chapter), since the beginning of the episode itself is told as such. Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting Rogir's monologue. One of the two.

Either way, I just wanted to give y'all a heads up. If you think I need to fix something about it, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know. Writing this is fun, but it's also a kind of writing practice for me, so I'd appreciate the constructive reviews.

Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna cut this chapter in two; it's way too long to be considered a single chapter, IMO. This one is the first part, I'll upload the second part and post it soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own Spriggs, the Halo Trilogy, or anything related to it. Those rights are held by Running Gun Productions, L.L.T., and Bungie/Microsoft.

Chapter 7: The Heart of Dorkness

My name is Jonathan M. Rogir. I'm currently enlisted in the UNSC Marine Corps as a Lieutenant serving under General Vollin. I've fought alongside the Sangheili in the war against the Covenant, and…

…You know what? Fuck the formalities, I'm just going to get straight to the point.

To summarize...for my monologues, they sent me away; for my sins, they sent me to Zambai VII.

Okay, now for the longer version.

Right now, I'm stuck at the fields surrounding Zambai Seven, where I was sent to spy on the members of the Fifth by Vollin. And somehow, I wound up being captured in the most ridiculous way by a trio of…

…Okay, now even I think I'm rambling a little bit too far ahead of the story. Perhaps I should start with how the hell I wound up in that death camp in the first place.


Several Hours Earlier…

"This is a crisis situation, Lieutenant," Vollin said as she, I, and one of her aides walked to her office. "With Captain Meme embedded in the Fifth, our operation hangs by a thread."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied mechanically. At the time, I had know idea why she was telling me all of this. I already knew this information thanks to a reliable source of mine, but either she didn't know that or she knew about it and didn't care. Maybe it was to make herself feel smarter. I wouldn't blame her; she is a bit of an idiot, but not so much as the psychopaths at Zambai.

"Don't forget that this is the base where Willy and Spriggs are stationed."

"Yes, ma'am," I said again. How could I forget that little detail? Whenever Willy and Spriggs were in the same area together, all hell usually broke loose. Not exactly hard to remember.

"I'm also concerned about Triple M. I don't think I need to remind you about the damage he caused to the human-Elite relations with that little stunt of his," she told me, looking at me as if it was my fault.

I grinned as I recalled the incident. "I always thought the Shipmaster looked rather good in a tutu," I said reminiscently. "Ma'am," I added hastily when the General glared at me.

"He would disagree," she continued. "And the whole battalion is headed by none other than Lieutenant Hammer."

"Ah, good old 'Stars-to-bars'," I said, though under my breath so as to not catch another glare.

"To take charge of the situation, we need someone…special," said Vollin.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied again. I thought, Where is she going with this?

"A man of…vision."

"Yes, ma'am."

"A man of action."

"Yes, ma'am."

"A man like you!" Vollin said, turning to me with an expectant smile.

I started, alarmed. "Oh, hell, no!"

"Like you have a choice?" said the General. This was perfectly true; when General Vollin gives an order, it's either follow that order or risk being charged with insubordination and certain…punishment.

I thought for a moment. "I could cut to the chase and just shoot myself."

"Permission denied." I wasn't altogether surprised; I didn't think it would actually work, but I had to try. All the same, my heart sank in disappointment.

"Be at the Hornet at 0610," she continued.

I checked my HUD's clock. "Uh, you do realize it's 6:09 right now, ma'am?"

She ignored me. "Failure to comply will be seen as dereliction of duty, for which you will be shot."

"So, problem solved, then?" I asked hopefully.

She smirked. "I didn't say where."

My heart sank further. "On my way…" I said, defeated.

As I walked out of Vollin's office on my way to the Hornet, I could have sworn I heard her say, "And they say good help is hard to find."


It was a dangerous infiltration, done with a watchful eye for the most dangerous psychopaths in the universe. My target was the ruins of the Fifth Intergalactic Infantry Battalion, under the command of Rick Hammer.

…Okay, "command" is kind of a loose term. A very loose term. Willy and Spriggs, on the other hand…

Rumor has it that Willy hadn't been right since he got his Silver Star. I remember that it had something to do with one of Spriggs' operations.

"Hold still!" I heard an angry voice yell from one of the area's grav lifts. I didn't have to look far for the source.

I saw a yellow-clad soldier at one of the nearby structures, flinging power cores at someone driving a Mongoose. The driver was going too fast for me to get a good look at him, but I recognized the yellow soldier to be Willy. This looked interesting, so I had to get a closer look.

Quickly, before I was spotted, I ran behind one of the large rock formations and hid in its shadows.

"Stop moving so I can kill you!" Willy yelled as he continued to fling power cores at the Mongoose. No matter how much Willy tried, the Mongoose continued to weave back and forth, dodging all the projectiles.

Somehow, I got the feeling that the driver was doing this on purpose, as if to infuriate Willy. Which, under normal circumstances, would be a very bad idea.

"I need some time to calibrate this thing!" Willy shouted.

He was so wrapped up in his task that he failed to notice the Mongoose drive past him and launch himself using the gravity lift.

"Spriggs! Get off of that! This is sensitive equipment, and anything can…break it…" Willy shouted, trailing off. It was as the Mongoose flew through the air that I recognized its driver.

Spriggs. The black hole of all official military records. The kind of military records that came to you dipped in ink…to save time.

"This is better than cable," I said, enthralled by this fight.

Unfortunately, it stopped just as I was getting interested. I looked around for the cause and saw that Willy had apparently run out of power cores. I could no longer see him, but I could see Spriggs from where I was. I could still hear the dialogue, with Spriggs speaking in honks from his Mongoose. Somehow, Willy managed to understand him. I wondered if he was just guessing, however, because I couldn't make heads or tails of what Spriggs was saying.

"Spriggs!" Willy yelled. Spriggs honked once in reply. "Hey, I'm all out of power cores, and it's going to take me forever to haul them back up here." Two honks. "Yeah, so could we pick this up tomorrow, same time?" Another honk. "Yeah, around 8 o clock-ish sound good?" Three honks. "No, it's okay, you can get breakfast first." A final honk, then, "Alright, see ya, Spriggs!"

As Spriggs drove off, Willy mounted the Warthog and started driving off…right in my direction.

Shit, I thought, and I backed up further into the shadows. I saw Willy drive by and stop suddenly.

I heard him say something indistinct, but it sounded like he said, "Hey...where'd all the power cores go?" I was quickly proven right when Willy suddenly ripped the turret off of the Warthog and ran off towards a sparsely wooded section over near a wall. I could hear him shout angrily, "Triple M!!"

It was evident, however, that the section that I mentioned wasn't too far off - and neither, therefore, was Triple M. I was close enough to hear him speak to Meme on his comm. Or maybe he just had it on speaker. One of the two.

"Triple M? Have you seen Willy?" I heard Meme ask. "I can't reach him on his comm."

"Last time I checked, he was flinging power cores at Spriggs," Triple M answered promptly. I thought it was weird that he spoke of it in such a manner-of-fact tone. Then I recalled that it wasn't much different before Zambai, either - not that the thought was much more reassuring.

"Yeeahh…could you find him real quick, tell him to turn on his comm.?"

As Willy crept up behind him, Triple M said, "I think that can be arranged. Willy, Meme wants you to turn on your comm.," he added to Willy without turning around.

"Triple M…" Willy said quietly.

Triple M turned around to find Willy aiming the gun at him. "Uh, Willy? Aren't you pointing that the wrong way?"

"Oh, let me worry about where it's pointing," I heard Willy say. He sounded like he meant business; I couldn't imagine how Triple M could remain so calm in the face of this. "Now, where are all the power cores?"

"I have no idea," Triple M said, still maintaining that sense of calm.

Willy seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure? Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that's my final answer," Triple M said doggedly.

"Hmm…Tell me, is Mr. Mini-Gun going to be upset that you're lying to him?" Willy asked menacingly, brandishing the mini-gun a little bit for emphasis.

"That depends. Is Mr. Tank going to be upset that you're threatening me?" retorted Triple M, using a remote to point the tank's cannon at a fairly startled Willy. I knew now why Triple M wasn't panicking like anyone else would (anyone that wasn't Spriggs, anyway).

"Um…I hope not…"

"Besides, would I lie to you?"

"Do you seriously want me to answer that after what happened the other day?"

Triple M looked offended. "I'm hurt."

"Oh, you're not hurting nearly enough yet."

"Why would I have the power cores, anyway?" asked Triple M.

"Think," Willy explained. "I'm still looking for them, Hammer doesn't want them anymore, and Meme's too busy yapping on the radio, so who does that leave?"

Something red caught my eye. I wrenched my eyes away from the conversation to watch Spriggs move the Mongoose slowly towards Willy. I had a bad feeling that this wasn't going to end well, but then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing and turned back to Triple M and Willy.

"Alright," said Willy, "so we agree under the Sacred Accord of the Fraternal Brotherhood of Roommates – "

The what? I thought, fairly sure that I had misheard.

" – to split any found or mislocated power cores between ourselves, including any sandwiches that we make along the way."

"Agreed," said Triple M.

"So, that was all the power cores, then?"

"All the ones not needed to run the base."

Willy seemed disappointed. "Aw..."

Triple M answered him before he could say anything in protest. "No!"

Willy frowned. "Alright, I guess I'll have to resort to killing Spriggs the old-fashioned way."

On that note, he took out his infamous rocket launcher and looked like he was about to turn around. However, by that time Spriggs had positioned the Mongoose right behind Willy, and it was from there that he honked the Mongoose's horn loudly.

Willy jumped up in surprise, hit his head on the tank, and fell to the ground with a thud.

"And there goes the afternoon," Triple M said in a bored voice as Spriggs drove off quickly. He waited for Willy to recover from the shock before saying to him, "Hey, man, don't get all hung up on this – Hey!" he shouted, for an incensed Willy had decided that, having reached the end of his tether, he would just use the tank.

"What are you doing with my tank?!" Triple M yelled. He got on the back of the tank and started punching it in a futile attempt to stop it just as Willy started to drive it in pursuit of Spriggs.

Looking around the tank, Triple M shouted, "Get your paws off my tank!"

While I watched the Specialist chase Spriggs, I could have sworn I heard him say, "That's it! The truce is off, you son of a bitch! I'm coming at you like a baby-making machine: balls to the wall!"


Assuming you haven't just skipped all the other records straight to this one, I think you know what happened next. So I'm just going to skip to the point where Vollin called me on my helmet radio just as the Fifth figured out our plan.

"Aw, fuck, now we're officially compromised," Vollin said to me over the radio. "Pull back to base! We need to get the ball rolling on Plan B!"

I felt confident that I wouldn't be found out. Besides, it wasn't like the Fifth could do anything about their situation, right?

I said to Vollin, "Actually…take your time. It would take a miracle for anyone to find me out here!"

It was then that I felt a stunning blow to the back of my head. The horror struck me: I was being captured.

When I woke up, I blinked a few times to clear my vision before I looked at my surroundings. It looked like I was in some sort of other base…but it wasn't Zambai Seven. I hadn't thought that there were any bases in the area…this one must have been newly - and crudely - built. I found that my hands and feet were tied together, so I couldn't reach for my weapons. I then found that they had taken those too…and, from the fact that I was getting nothing but static in my helmet radio, it looked like they had disrupted that.

I looked around for my captors, but it wasn't long before someone struck me again and my vision went black.


"What did you ask him?" Soltri asked.

"Man, something's really screwy with this translator!" Rotri said, who tried hitting it a couple of times to see if it would work.

"Rotri, you're made of fail!" Soltri said irritably. "Your translators are made of fail!"

Rotri glared at him while Boltri continued to beat up their prisoner.

"Get to work making another one, Rotri," Soltri ordered. "We're gonna figure out what he's saying if it kills him!"


A/N: Yeah, I kind of had to make up Rogir's first name and middle initial, but oh well.

Anyway, please Read and Review! I'll have the second part up at some point, once I get all the really odd-sounding quotes sorted out.