It seems like every time he talks to his mom, things are getting worse and worse. Not even with just her health, but with his sister and the house and everything. She had to take out a second mortgage when the bills started piling up and she stopped working. Hannah's grades have plummeted, and he feels so fucking useless right now it's not even funny. Football practice is basically the stupidest thing in his life, and his school work is sliding a little because he just doesn't know how any of it fucking matters when life sucks so hard and you just die at the end of it.
He needs to do something. He needs to help his mom and his sister and make something better for either (preferably both) of them. So he talks to Hannah on the phone and threatens that if she doesn't keep her grades up, he's gonna be so pissed at her she'll physically feel it and he won't even have to touch her. He also helps her with her homework, but it's mostly the threats.
So that's one thing, and his mom thanks him for it, but the money thing is a huge issue. If they lose the house, he's totally fucked and so is Hannah. When his mom dies they're going to need a place to live.
Yeah, he's moving back to Lima. He has to. Someone has to take care of Hannah, and he'll be damned if it's gonna be one of his stupid aunts in Toledo or Cleveland. He's just deferred the semester and he'll go from there once shit is sorted out. Yet another reason why football is stupid right now. His coach totally hates him for leaving, even if he understands the reason why. Obviously family is bigger than some stupid division two trophy they probably don't even have a hope in hell of winning.
In a way it's good that you can find anything you want online. In another, he hates that he does what he does, because his useless fuck of a father doesn't deserve to ever hear his voice. He shoves that pride away, though, and takes a breath and calls, because he knows for a fact that the dude has a sweet gig in L.A. as a session guitar player, and Puck thinks if the guy can take care of his new family, he can finally do something to take care of the old one.
And he's not taking no for an answer. He says as much after he's explained who he is, and the asshole actually has the balls to sound shocked. It pisses Puck off because he knows from experience that there's a little hope that one day the phone's gonna ring and it's gonna be his kid on the other end of the line. Puck shouldn't be surprised that the asshole doesn't give a fuck and probably never wanted to hear from him again.
His dad's apparently got three kids with some 30 year old, and Puck can hear them in the background.
"I don't give a shit if you never talk to me again," Puck says. "Just send a check and we'll call it even."
"I can't just..."
"Don't even fucking say that shit." Puck clenches his fist because this whole thing is pissing him off and making him seriously rage. "You didn't give Hannah or I fuck all after you walked out. This isn't about mom, it's about us. You already left us without a dad, so don't take away our fucking house, too."
Yeah, he's laying it on thick, but this is a lot of years of frustration and (he'll admit it) hurt all coming out in this one conversation, and he knows for a fact that this stupid asshole is never going to pick up the phone and call again, so he's throwing in some anger about that, too.
He's also pissed the guy doesn't know how hard this call was to make. It's not like he just picked up and dialed and had no problem at all asking for money. This took a few days and a lot of talking himself into it.
So the check comes to his place a week later in an envelope with absolutely nothing else. He transfers all $20,000 into his mom's account and tells her not to ask questions. She does anyway, and he just tells her he didn't do anything illegal to get it. He knows she figures it all out, but she doesn't say anything to him but thank you.
He calls Rachel when he's laying on his living room floor and thinking about how fucked up everything is.
"I talked to my dad."
She says his name all softly and says if he wants to talk about it, she'll listen. He doesn't really want to, so he tells her that and she's fine with it, and it's about five minutes into their conversation when he takes it back and tells her everything. He kind of wants her to know everything.
"I think that's really brave of you," she says quietly, and he knows she means it.
He scoffs anyway. "It's not brave."
"Yes it is," she insists. "I don't know what it would take for me to call my mom at this point."
And then they're quiet because her mom is his kid's mom, and they really haven't ever talked about this. It's weird, but it's as big of a deal as it isn't one at all. They both care, obviously, but there's nothing either of them can do about the situation.
"I dunno. I didn't want to do it."
"I know," she says quietly. "But I'm really proud of you."
Fuck, this girl.
Every single day he thinks he's getting closer and closer to being in love with her or something, and that's just fucked up.
Mostly because he's going back to Lima and she'll never leave New York and he doesn't know if there's really any hope for them at all.
... ... ...
She drops her things at her house when she gets home for the holidays, and promptly tells her fathers she's going out. They know exactly where 'out' is. They jokingly ask if they'll get to see her at all this time, and she just kisses each of their cheeks on her way out the door and calls, "If you're lucky!" to them over her shoulder. She knows they understand why she's going to be spending so much of her time at the Puckerman's. Of course, Aviva's illness has a lot to do with that. The rest has to do with being mostly in love with Noah and knowing she's not crazy for feeling it, even if they might never actually work.
He's shoveling the walk when she pulls up and gets out of her car, and she nearly slips on the driveway because she runs towards him like an idiot, but she doesn't care. He wraps his arms around her, laughing and calling her a dork, as soon as she's near him. She lifts her feet off the ground for fun and he kisses her right next to her ear and says, "So fucking happy to see you, baby," and her heart does a triple backflip in her chest.
Then he hands her a shovel and turns to walk into the house, says something about making coffee to warm her up when she's done. So she squeals his name and pouts until he's laughing and grabbing her arm to pull her inside. His mother is sitting on the big, comfortable chair in the room and her face lights up when she sees Rachel. God, Rachel loves this family.
Noah gets the coffee while the women catch up, and he says he'll be upstairs when Hannah gets off the bus and then there are three of them sitting there talking about what he deems 'stupid girly shit'.
Rachel doesn't take long to go upstairs and join him. She's home for three whole weeks this time, and she knows she's got time to spend with him, but she's missed him and he looks really amazing in that grey sweater and jeans.
She's a little more than shocked when she gets to his room and sees that it's almost entirely full of boxes. He's unpacking one, and he looks over at her. She just blinks at him, because she knows what he's doing, moving home, and that part doesn't surprise her.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, closing the door gently behind her, never taking her eyes off him.
He sets a few books on a shelf and laughs quietly. "You woulda hired movers and wanted to fuckin' redecorate in here and..."
"Noah," she pleads. She wants him to be serious. (Though his room could use a fresh coat of paint.)
"I just knew you'd be fuckin'...disappointed in me or whatever, so..."
She takes a step closer to him and it sounds mean when she says, "Disappointed?"
He shrugs his shoulder and looks back to the box he's been unpacking. "I had to leave school. Obviously you're all about..."
"Noah," she says again, shaking her head. She grabs his hands so he stops avoiding her and trying to downplay this conversation. "I'm not disappointed. God, I'm...You're taking care of your family. I admire you."
He lets out a breathy laugh, but then looks up at her and asks, "really?"
"Of course," she whispers. He slips his hand into her hair and uses the other to tug her closer by the belt loop on her jeans. "You're such a good man."
She's not looking at him as she says it, and when there's a beat of silence she worries she's taken things too far, but then he pushes her face up a little and presses his forehead against hers.
He doesn't kiss her, but she wants him to.
... ... ...
He wakes up on the floor in his basement with Rachel's hair in his mouth and her leg over his, some old Christmas movie playing softly in the background. He glances at the window and there's sun shining outside and the clock in the room reads 7:33.
He shakes her a little bit, because they totally didn't mean to fall asleep, and all night she'd been telling him she was going to sleep at home and he'd told her he'd get her to stay. It kind of became a challenge, then somehow they ended up laying on the floor (couch was way too small) and she murmured something about giving in right before she dozed off.
"Mmm. Is it morning?" she asks, pushing herself closer to him. She's just wearing a thin pair of sweatpants and an NYU sweatshirt.
"Yeah."
She trails a few kisses over his neck, and it's not totally weird, but she doesn't usually do things that...sexy. He's the one trying to get her to give in all the time. Like when he slides his hand down her ass or rests his head against her chest and kisses her boob through her shirt or finds that place just next to her ear that always makes her purr at him.
So he's not going to say anything to make her stop or spook her. He kinda likes her lips on his body, thanks very much. But then she stops and yawns and giggles and presses her face against his neck and says something about food.
So they go out for breakfast still in their sweats and he pushes his hand as high up her thigh as she'll let him. (Which is pretty high.)
When he drops her at home she tells him to come over later because her dads are going to some holiday party and he needs a night away from his house.
He says yes because that sounds like a really fucking good invitation.
(They don't have sex, which kinda sucks, but she lets him pick the movies and keeps bringing him snacks and somehow finds something to cry over during Die Hard, and he thinks she's the most awesome woman ever.)
... ... ...
"Do you think things will ever be good again?" she asks one night. He's sitting on her floor with his back against her bed and his guitar across his lap. He's plucking out John Mayer songs and she knows he'll never admit to anyone else that he knows them. She loves them.
He starts playing Stop This Train and says, "Doesn't feel like it," all nonchalantly, like that choice of song isn't shockingly fitting.
"I think they will," she says. She moves herself around so she's laying on her stomach with her arms around his neck from behind and her chin on his shoulder. "I do."
"Makes one of us."
They're quiet for a minute and she wants to start humming the song, but she doesn't do it. Neither does he, so it's just quiet guitar filling the room until she kisses his cheek.
"I promise," she says quietly.
He's still for a moment, just his hands moving, but then he nods and lets out a breath and turns his head so she can kiss him properly.
They're probably blurring the lines, but it's not like they were ever really all that clear to begin with.
... ... ...
He goes a couple days without seeing her and it blows, so he doesn't really know what he's going to do when she goes back to New York and isn't a 17 minute drive across town. Or, as the case may be, taking up permanent residence in his living room with his mom. Even the neighbour asks where Rachel is when Puck's out shoveling the driveway (for the hundredth goddamn time in, like, two weeks). So yeah, she's been around.
But her dads took her to see her nana or something like that, so she was gone all day yesterday, and he knows she had plans with Santana (fucking unholy alliance right there) and Brittany today. To be honest, all he wants to do is lay in his bed with her. They've been doing a lot of that. The other day she totally let him unzip her pants. He couldn't put his hand inside or anything, but still. He feels like he's in high school or something, just trying to get to third base. It's stupid, but also kind of exactly what he expects from her. They're making out a lot, but nothing more, and it's messed up, because it's not like they haven't done it before, and it's not like either of them is with anyone else or anything. Plus, she calls him all the time when they're not together and says she misses him, and the other day when he was talking to her on the phone she let out this little noise and told him his voice sounded really good.
So why aren't they doing more than just kissing like 14 year olds?
She comes over after her dinner with 'the girls' and he can tell she's had a drink or two. She crawls onto his bed and lays down, and says that Hannah's asleep and his mom's door is closed, that she checked on her way down the hall to his room.
So naturally he's thinking she's gonna totally do him.
He ends up rolling her beneath him after she tells him about her night and asks a couple questions about his. She says she thought about him all night, and that's all he needs to hear. He's got her under him now and it's fucking magic when they do this. It's weird, since she's so little, but she just fits there so well. He feels like the man when they're like this, because there's always a split second where he thinks he's so much bigger than her that he could totally protect her.
That's a new feeling. Not that he hasn't wanted to protect her for a while, but it's more...It's different now. He feels like it's one of the few things he can control these days, how safe she is when he's around her. He thinks it means something he doesn't really want yet, so he usually ignores it and hasn't ever actually stopped to analyze it or anything.
And she does this thing with her tongue that makes him fucking nuts. She slides it up along his jaw line until she gets to his ear, and if he groans because of it, she lets out this tiny, little giggle like she's got the upper hand or something. Maybe she does. Fuck if he knows. He pushes her thighs open wider so he can fit better, and presses against her more because he wants to feel as much of her as he can at any given moment. Her hands go to his shoulders and sit there as they kiss, and he's not responsible for the words he says against her lips.
(That's his story, anyway. Obviously he knows what he's saying.)
"Let's have sex."
She makes this choked little sound and pushes at his shoulders, and given that her legs are parted for him and until a few seconds ago her tongue was in his mouth, he doesn't know why she's doing that.
"What?" she asks.
He smirks at her and pushes his hand up under her shirt again. "C'mon, baby."
"No," she says seriously, brow furrowed. He doesn't move, because really? "Noah, stop."
Okay, the 'no' was enough, but the 'stop' makes him get off her.
"What?" he asks once he's sitting next to her and looking at her.
"We can't. We shouldn't."
"Why the hell not?" Maybe he sounds pissed, but that's mostly because he is. She pushes herself up so she's sitting against his headboard.
"We're friends." She rubs her lips with her thumb, which basically makes him want to peel her clothes off and remind her how fucking good they are together.
"We make out every fucking day."
"We..." She sighs and stands up, but he grabs her wrist.
"Don't bail." He locks eyes with her so she'll be able to see that he's not being a dick. "Stay."
"I can't stay when you're asking me to do things like that," she admits as he strokes his thumb over her knuckles.
"Was more of a demand, if you think about it."
She laughs a little, then says, "Don't joke," and he sighs and pulls her towards him so she'll sit on his thigh. "Sex makes everything complicated."
"It's already complicated," he says, almost a little too meanly. "I mean, come on. We're..."
He doesn't finish it. He can tell by the way she looks down at their hands and turns hers over so their palms are pressed together that she's going to ask him to fill in the blanks. "What are we?" she asks, and it's not that lame girly conversation or anything.
"I dunno," he admits. "Fuckin'...complicated." She laughs quietly and presses her forehead against his temple. "I just kinda like you." She laughs so hard this time that she has to cover her mouth with her hand, and he kisses it as it sits over her lips. "A lot." She pulls her hand away and she's smiling. "So much, baby."
She takes his face in her hands and kisses him and they've basically resolved nothing, and he's still hard in his pants and she's still hot as fuck and sitting on him.
"I'm still not having sex with you," she says between kisses. He lays down and pulls her with him.
"Okay," he says quietly, pushing the hair back from her face. "Okay. Just...Just stay."
She does.
... ... ...
She wakes up in his arms with his hand flat on her bare stomach under the shirt of his she fell asleep in. She says his name quietly and he moans a little, presses his whole self against her and buries his face in her hair. She doesn't mind, really, it's just that when she feels how aroused he is (this happens nearly every time) she just wants to...wants to. It's not right and they can't, because they've screwed everything up and they're not a couple, but they're not not a couple, either. She'd love it if they were, but knows why they aren't.
She knows she's his escape from everything right now, too, and sometimes, whether he knows it or not, he's hers. Sometimes she just needs to know there's someone out there who cares about her. Noah obviously does. She won't lose him because they can't keep their hormones in check. How stupid would that be?
"'Morning," he mumbles against her hair. He must know he's hard, but he's not moving away from her at all.
Then again, they wake up like this (or some variation of this) almost every morning, so she figures it's not exactly going to do any harm. Maybe she's just on edge from last night.
"Hmm," she murmurs, sliding her hand over his and fitting her fingers between his.
"Time is it?"
"Almost 8:00, I think," she answers. She could pull away so she could see the clock, but that requires pulling away, so clearly it's not the best option. "Are you still playing hockey with the guys today?"
"Hmm. 10:00." He pushes his hips against her and she knows he's half asleep, but he must know very well what he's doing. "Gonna come?"
It takes her longer than she'd like to admit to realize that's neither a statement, nor a sexual question.
"No," she answers. (That may have been her response no matter what.) "I think I'll stay here with your mom. If that's okay?"
He kisses her hair and nods, pulls her closer still. "Goin' back to sleep." She tries to get up, but he won't let her, says, "Don't," and she can't bring herself to try any harder to leave his bed.
They make breakfast together and sit at the table to eat after Rachel goes to get Hannah up out of bed. She decides she wants to go watch her brother ply hockey. Rachel keeps the girl's schoolgirl crush on Mike Chang to herself and just smiles at Hannah and tells her to go dress warmly because the outdoor rink is freezing and notoriously windy. Noah tidies the kitchen as Rachel braids Hannah's hair and ensures the girl has enough layers on. He tells Hannah to get her skates and says they might need her to play if they don't have enough people. Rachel knows for sure that Hannah will be on the ice and none of the guys will have a problem with that, and she wedges herself between him and the counter, kisses him while Hannah runs down to the basement, and Rachel knows he doesn't really know why she's doing it.
He makes her promise she'll still be there when he gets back, and she just laughs as if to tell him that of course she'll be there. Where else would she be?
Aviva isn't having a good morning. Rachel can tell right away, because it's just shortly after 10:00 and the woman is still in bed. She goes upstairs with herbal tea and Aviva's mid-morning medication, and taps gently on the bedroom door. She pushes it open to see the woman frail and pale and leaning back against the pillows with a book in her hands.
"Why didn't you come downstairs?" Rachel asks politely, setting water and tea on the bedside table and pulling back the blinds to let in some sun. "Noah took Hannah with him."
"That's nice of him," Aviva says, smiling gently.
Rachel notices the avoidance of the other question.
"Are you feeling alright?" Rachel asks, sitting at the edge of the bed. "Can I get you anything?"
"I'll be fine, dear." Rachel doesn't believe it. Neither of them does, but it's just one of those lies they've all been glossing over recently. "I think there must be some holiday movie on by now, don't you?"
Rachel chuckles and reaches for the remote, turns on the television and switches channels until they find Elf playing somewhere, and sits back against the pillows next to Aviva when the woman pats the bed there. She tucks her legs under the covers and is really thankful she didn't get dressed; her flannel pajama pants and Noah's sweatshirt are more comfortable than anything else.
Aviva tugs at Rachel's sleeve and laughs quietly. "I think this may be a little big for you," she says.
Rachel smiles and tucks her hands up into the sleeves. "Maybe," she admits. "But it's warm and comforting, and he doesn't mind."
Aviva laughs again. "I'm sure he doesn't."
Rachel doesn't know what that means and she's afraid to ask.
They talk a little bit, and Hannah texts Rachel from Noah's phone. Apparently Noah and Mike got into a little scuffle and Noah pulled Mike's shirt up over his head. Rachel just laughs and replies, telling Hannah to make sure Noah doesn't hurt himself, not that the girl can do anything about it. She hears a few minutes later that Noah scored a goal, and she smiles, because she did make him promise to get one for her. He told her it doesn't work that way, but asked her what his reward would be anyway.
Now she has to come up with one.
She looks over at Aviva and sees tears in the woman's eyes.
"What? What is it?" Rachel asks worriedly. "Are you in pain?"
"No, no," the woman says, shaking her head. "I'm just all emotional." Rachel doesn't know what to say to that, so she just keeps her mouth closed when Aviva takes her hand. "You're good to both of them. For both of them."
Rachel ducks her head. She doesn't like this conversation already. She's sensed one of these talks would be coming, but she doesn't want to have it.
"Please, don't," Rachel says quietly. Aviva squeezes her hand. "I don't want to talk like this."
"Honey," Aviva says. It's like a warning or something, telling Rachel to stop denying what's going to happen here. "You know you don't have to be here, but you still are."
"I do," Rachel insists, almost defensive. "I'm just scared of what happens...after."
"Me, too," Aviva admits for the first time. "Less so now that I know you're not going anywhere."
Rachel shakes her head. That's not entirely the truth. She's going back to New York soon, and she and Noah aren't in a relationship, much less a committed one.
(It's funny how she can tell herself that lie.)
"I just think he's not...Sometimes I think he's in denial," Rachel says quietly. She hates talking about him behind his back, but it's how she feels and she's tired of pretending it's not happening. "And that it's just going to hit him really hard all at once."
There's a beat of silence and Rachel looks at Aviva to try and gauge her reaction. She just has a sad, little smile on and says, "Come here," and Rachel leans into her motherly embrace. "You two need to stop dancing around one another."
She's never talked to Rachel about this before, not really.
"Maybe."
"Not maybe."
"It's just hard," Rachel admits, and it sounds like the lamest thing she could ever see. "With distance and everything, and...He doesn't need anything else to worry about right now."
"He worries about you anyway," Aviva says. "And what he needs is you."
Rachel's heart beats hard in her chest and she knows it's the truth, but to have someone else point it out just makes it more real. "I need him, too."
She might as well have just said she loves him.
She's not sure how long they sit there like that, but the movie ends and shortly after. The front door opens and they hear Noah and Hannah come in, and Rachel pulls away and tries to make it look like she hasn't been crying intermittently for however long.
Before she can get up off the bed, Aviva touches her knee and Rachel looks back to her.
"Don't let him get away with anything, because he's smarter than that and you're better than that."
She thinks she knows what that means. She's not sure what to do with it.
... ... ...
He's getting really fucking sick of her leaving. She's been doing it way too long and he wants her to stop it. Part of him wishes she wasn't so fucking talented so she couldn't justify being in New York and going for it and trying to make shit happen. If she'd just fucking stay with him, he'd keep her as long as he could and...Fuck. He thinks he'd just be happier with her there, because he's always happier when she's around.
He kinda wants to drive her back to New York, but her flight is booked and he needs to make sure Hannah's shit's all sorted out to start school in a few days. So he's just standing in the entryway to her house and her dads are upstairs, giving them space to say goodbye.
She's currently got her arms around his neck and she's standing on her toes, and he's gonna take advantage of this shit 'cause he takes his opportunities when they come to him. He guides her into the living room and lays her down on the couch with him on top of her, and kisses her as good as he knows how (which is really damn good, thank you very much). Her flight doesn't leave for a few hours and all he's thinking is that if she'd let him, he'd totally give her something to relax her for her flight. Like an orgasm or three.
"Don't go," he says.
He thinks it's the first time he's ever said it out loud.
"Noah," she whispers, eyes closed tight.
"No, shut up. Just...Fuck." He presses his face against her neck and she holds him tighter. "I like you here." He runs his hand over her hip and upward so it's resting over her ribs. "I know you have to go, but...just...Don't."
She goes anyway, and she doesn't say she'll see him soon even though they both know it's true.
He makes sure Hannah's got some dinner, and that his mom's all set up for the night, then he goes out with Finn and tells him he needs to get fucking drunk and not to ask questions, and Finn just pats him on the back and buys the first round.
Yeah, maybe doing this on the day she leaves is pretty transparent, but he doesn't really even care anymore.
