A/N: I've been getting several reviews that have asked me the meaning of the title of this fanfic. I think I mentioned in the first chapter that it is a song by The Shins (one of my favorite bands!) in which the lyrics kind of go together with the story. Here's a snippet:

"…And your sheets
Were growing grass
All on the corners of your bed

But you've got too much to wear
On your sleeves
It has too much to do with me
And secretly
I want to bury in the yard
The gray remains of a friendship scarred

You told us of your new life there
You got someone coming round
Gluing tinsel to your crown
He's got you talkin' pretty loud

You berate remember
Your ailing heart and your criminal eyes
You say you're still in love
If it's true, what can be done?
It's hard to leave all these moments behind"

I don't know if that helps any. To me it just … fits. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews guys! I'm so happy that you're enjoying this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it.

Arnold headed to his car early than usual, telling his receptionist Pam to cancel his end of the day meeting. His head was spinning off its hook and all he wanted to do was talk to Gerald about it. He hopped into his station wagon and slammed the door shut, feeling this nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach as he started the car. Taking the fastest route, he cranked up the radio in his car just to drown out the conversation they had.

By the time he got to their modest house, his hands were sore and strained from gripping the wheel tightly. What was it about her that made him so… stressed out? And the fact that she stressed him out made him feel lengthened and thin, like he could barely spend time doing anything else but thinking about her.

Warily, Arnold knocked on the front door and waited a moment before Gerald opened it.

"Hey man," Gerald said, giving his friend a warm smile. With every next visit, Arnold could tell that Gerald was regaining his strength. His smile wasn't something that had to be pulled out from within, it seemed like it rather belonged there and that made Arnold give his friend an even bigger grin as he let him inside. "What's going on?"

"Helga came to the office," Arnold said immediately as he shed his coat. Phoebe arrived shortly after Arnold sat down on their dusty couch, looking as though she just woke up from a long nap. Gerald sat across from him and stared intensely, telling him to go on. Arnold sighed, "Did I tell you that she submitted a story?"

"Oh," Gerald replied, looking at Phoebe. She pulled down on her sweater sleeves.

"Yeah… she wrote about that summer," Arnold told them gravely as he placed his ankle on his knee and shook it restlessly. Phoebe's eyes were wide, and again she exchanged glances with her husband. Arnold was silent for a few moments, allowing them to soak in that information. "So I published it, and she came to my office."

Again, he took a few seconds of silence to look around their apartment. The half-assembled baby crib was gone from its place in the corner, but the box was still peeking out from the other side of the couch. He wondered why they didn't put it in a closet or something, somewhere they couldn't be reminded.

"Well?" Phoebe asked suddenly. Gerald and Arnold gave her baffled looks as if wondering what language she was speaking, but she continued to stare at Arnold with intensity. Phoebe had grown so quiet since everything had happened, and even the slightest bit of enthusiasm from her was a bit of a shock.

"Well," Arnold continued. "We talked. We kind of fought, actually. I think she remembers."

Gerald snorted a little. "Isn't that kind of weird? You know, you can't just block someone out of your memory like that. Especially when she was so… obsessed" – Phoebe elbowed him in the ribs – "I mean enamored with you."

Arnold felt that swirling feeling in his stomach again. Phoebe gave a small cough, causing the boys to stare in her direction.

"It's actually quite possible," she said in a small voice as she looked at her toes. "People have the ability to repress their memories. You know, push them in the back of their mind until they quite literally can't recall them."

"But to forget my whole existence?" Arnold replied shakily. "Are you sure that's possible?"

"Well you remember the, um, accident she got into, don't you?" Phoebe asked, staring up from the ground to look at them. "The car accident?"


She had a crescent-shaped scar about the size of a toothpick on the back of her neck. Every once in a while she'd find herself dragging her fingertips across it, feeling where the skin was pulled tight and uneven. She never really paid much attention to how she got it, no, not as much as she paid attention to the fact that it was there and leaving an imperfect blemish on her otherwise smooth skin.

This time as she lied in her bed, Helga felt uneasy as she reached up and pulled her hair to the side to feel the scar. It was still rigid and protruding outward, but not as much as it once was. Feeling absolutely exhausted, she placed her hands back down on her lap and closed her eyes, hoping that a good night's sleep would give her a new perspective.


It took months of planning, but she finally did it. She finally told him. Well, not so much told… she wrote him a note and left it at the front door step of the boarding house. Regardless, thirteen years of feelings had finally threatened to burst as their senior year came to a close, so she had to do something.

Her heart fluttered uncomfortably in her chest as she and Phoebe hopped in the car and locked their seatbelts.

"So you just… told him?" Phoebe asked as Helga exited out of the neighborhood. "Like, everything?"

"Pretty much," Helga replied in a voice that was supposed to be nonchalant. She fiddled with the radio as Phoebe gave a small 'hm'.

"Like that time Holly Fenwick was his partner in bio? And you forced her to trade partners because you knew about her cheating on her boyfriend?" Phoebe asked.

"What do you think I am, an idiot?" Helga retorted with a snort. "Just the important stuff."

"Noted," said Phoebe. "Do you think that's such a good idea though?"

"What d'you mean?" replied Helga.

"You are going to the west coast for school. And don't you leave in a few weeks?" Phoebe continued on, looking down at her lap. Helga sighed rather heavily.

"Let's just deal with that when we get to it," she replied simply, trying to hide the uneasiness in her voice. There was no question about where she was going for college. The west coast was the only option for her right now; she had to be somewhere that was very far away from her parents, specifically Bob. Especially after his drunken episode at Helga's own graduation. Truthfully, Helga was just hoping that Arnold would throw away all of his college plans and whisk her away to the west coast where they could sip margaritas on the beach after a long day of class. A girl could dream, right? Phoebe nodded absentmindedly while pulling at the string on her bikini. "Jeez, Pheebs, stop messing with that thing."

"It's just a little tight," Phoebe replied. The two girls were heading to a pool party at Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd's mansion. Or, as Rhonda liked to call it, "End-Of-Summer Pool Party Extravaganza – Invite Only."

"You're sure he's gonna be here, right?" Helga asked impatiently, staring at Rhonda's large house that had come into view.

"I don't see why not," Phoebe told her as she slid her prescription sunglasses up her nose. With a guilty pleasure sort of tone, she added, "Gerald will be here."

"You two still haven't made sweet nerdy love to each other yet?" Helga asked, giving her friend a nudge. Phoebe turned bright pink, and they headed out of the car and up to the house, not daring to speak another word of him. A brightly lit path heading to the backyard beckoned them towards it. With butterflies flitting vigorously in her stomach, she pushed open the back gate with Phoebe right behind her.

"There he is," she whispered. Helga looked around frantically before finally laying her eyes upon Arnold, who was laughing at something with Gerald and Stinky. She attempted to suppress her eagerness. "Go on!"

"Wait, Phoebe, don't leave me. I can't go up to them alone! He's with friends," Helga said frantically as she pulled at the string of her own bikini, suddenly feeling overexposed.

"Don't be silly. We'll both go over there," she told her as she nudged her forward a little bit. The boys didn't seem to notice them as they got closer and closer; Helga's heart lurched with each step. Just a few feet away from them, Helga suddenly felt short of breath. Quickly, she dodged the boys and stepped through the open screen door leading into the kitchen, yanking Phoebe along with her.

"What are you doing?" Phoebe asked in a harsh whisper.

"I don't know," Helga replied shakily, ignoring the people in the kitchen who were staring at her. "What do I say?"

Phoebe was silent for a moment; a pensive look had etched itself upon her face. Outside, the girls could hear a burst of laughter. Phoebe inched closer to the open screen door and strained to listen to the boys' conversation. Helga followed in suit.

"Arnold, did you tell Stinky about the, uh, love note?" Gerald said with a snicker.

"What?" came Stinky's voice. "What love note?"

"It's nothing," Arnold replied to both of them, his voice low and heavy. Phoebe looked at Helga, whose expression was completely blank.

"It's from Helga," Gerald explained with another laugh.

"Helga?" Stinky asked incredulously. "Our Helga? Gawrsh, that's a surprise. I thought she hated you."

"Apparently not," was all Arnold could say. There was a moment of silence, but that was broken by the sound of laughter.

"That's rich," Stinky said between sputters and guffaws. "I think I'd rather her deck me in the face than kiss me!"

More laughter. Phoebe stepped away from the wall and waited for Helga to do the same, but she continued to listen.

"What're you gonna tell her?" asked Gerald. "Careful how you word your answer… she might kill you if you tell her you hate her guts."

Gerald and Stinky began laughing again as they waited for Arnold's response. After a few seconds, Helga could hear Arnold laughing too. It started off rather quiet, but then escalated into a fit of snickers. Phoebe pulled at Helga's arm, but she yanked it away quickly.

"I guess I'll just try to avoid her," Arnold said in a strange voice. "What else can I do?"

"Or you could become Mr. Arnold Pataki," said Stinky. "On account'a she would probably force ya to take her last name."

"Yeah," Arnold replied, laughing along with his friends. His voice still sounded strange, as if it didn't belong to him at all. "What a nightmare."

Helga felt all the nervousness and giddiness inside of her just melt away as she stood near that door. She felt no tears building up in her eyes, no anger bubbled up inside of her stomach. Nothing. The voice rang in her ears as the boys began talking about something else.

"Helga?" whispered Phoebe, who placed a hand on her friend's shoulder. Helga did not turn around. She could barely even feel Phoebe's gentle hand on her skin. She couldn't feel a thing. "Let's go."

"No," she replied, unsure of how she pushed those words out of her mouth. And before she knew it, she stepped outside the kitchen and onto the patio.

The boys stared at her with open mouths, but then they quickly shut them and covered them up with a smile.

"Hey Helga, how's it going?" asked Stinky, who clearly didn't put two and two together. Helga shook her head and looked at Arnold, who looked completely afraid. Without a second thought, she pushed through them and headed to the other side of the backyard, not aware that she was being followed by not only Phoebe, but Arnold as well.

"Helga," Phoebe called. Helga turned around, not noticing that half of the people at the party had stopped their conversations to check out what was going on. Upon seeing Arnold, she suddenly felt a burst of madness envelope her.

"What do you want?" she asked heatedly, staring intensely at him. The people in the pool next to him all looked up in curiosity.

"Listen, I'm sorry, I just-"

"Save it for someone who gives a shit," she cut him off through clenched teeth. "I'm not buying your Mother Theresa act anymore. You're obviously not as saintly as you'd like others to think."

"I'm not acting, I'm serious-"

She cut him off again, this time by shoving him. Completely caught off guard, he went reeling backwards into the pool, just barely missing a few of the pool-goers. They all began to laugh and cheer at Helga, which made her anger boil even hotter inside of her. Sputtering, Arnold resurfaced as Gerald and Sid ran over to inspect the scene.

"You know what? Fine, I'm not sorry," Arnold told her. "But I do feel sorry for you."

Everyone 'oohed' at his comment. Phoebe, looking pissed off and riled, shushed them.

"Sorry for me?" asked Helga, losing part of the heated strain in her voice.

"Can't you just leave me alone?" he asked her; that strange tone in his voice had come back once again. He sounded childish. "Just go away."

Everyone in the pool area was silent. In a huff, Arnold hoisted himself out of the pool and stormed towards the kitchen, shaking his head as he did. Helga stayed where she was, absolutely stunned. All the anger had dissipated as soon as he was out of view, but a feeling of awful emptiness engulfed the space it left.

"Are you okay?" Phoebe whispered as soon as everyone stopped staring. She didn't reply. Instead, she fished her keys out of her purse and left without saying a word. Phoebe could find a ride home without her.

When she got in the car, she sat silently. She didn't want to move. Thirteen years of pining, and now here she was. Nothing felt right, this was not the way it was supposed to go and although it made her want to cry, she didn't. Instead she felt as a cold, clammy feeling crawled up her fingertips and spread to her whole body.

She barely noticed that she was out of breath when she finally started the car and headed out onto the main road. Everything was blurry and her feet felt heavy as she pushed down on the gas. All she wanted to do was go home and go to bed.


Helga woke up with tears streaming down her face. She was glad at least that she woke up before the part where she didn't make it home, and crashed her car.

Back at Phoebe's house, Arnold was feeling sad himself. That was the last time he saw her before now, of course. That was the last time almost anyone from P.S. 118 saw her, besides Phoebe, who visited when she could. They never dared to speak about that incident. Helga didn't even tell anyone when she hopped on a plane with all of her belongings and flew across the country.

"Well, she severely injured her head when she crashed," Phoebe explained, being the only one other than Helga's parents that knew of her condition after the crash. "Which is what triggered retrograde amnesia."

"What?" asked Gerald.

"Losing pre-existing memories," Phoebe told him. Gerald stared at her in awe, as if wondering how in the world she knew all of this off the top of her head. Phoebe, unaware of this, continued. "So that, coupled with her want to repress his memory… well, you get where I'm going."

Arnold and Gerald nodded slowly. Arnold felt even more sick than he had when he first arrived. Helga wanted to erase him from her memory. He had no idea it was so bad.

"I think I need to go," Arnold told them in a shaky voice. Phoebe and Gerald gave him soft looks as they saw that look of dawning on his face. "Thanks for having me over, guys."

He hugged Phoebe, who disappeared into the kitchen, mumbling something about being thirsty. Gerald turned to his old friend and smiled a little bit.

"She's really something," he said to Arnold as he stared at his wife. "All this Helga stuff… I know it sucks, but she's practically her old self again… you know?"

Arnold clapped Gerald on the shoulder, glad that at least one person was benefiting from this situation. "I'm happy for you."

"Never thought I'd hear you say that," Gerald said with a short laugh. "I'll see you."

"Yeah, see you," Arnold called after him as he headed back to his car, feeling even worse than before.

A/N: Okay, let me know what you think. I hope that now that you know what happened, you aren't disappointed or anything! I know I'm going to get some heat for Arnold being OOC or whatever… but hey, people change. I hope I got across the point that he wasn't really trying to make fun of her, but more so trying to fit in with his friends who thought it was humorous. Anyway… thanks for all your reviews guys!