MAYA IS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! :)
MORE REVIEWS I GET THE FASTER I POST.
I was often uncertain about which direction my life would eventually take, but one thing I did know was that I wanted to touch lives. Let kids know that no matter what, love yourself, be yourself and despite your situation never give up on yourself. Hopefully at some point at practice what a taught. I got a job as a junior high substitute and as I sat in class waiting for my kids. I thought I was finally doing what I wanted to do, but for some reason something was missing. I'd go to work excited and ready to teach every day. I wanted so much to be able to talk reality with my students. I knew some of them were struggling with their sexuality, but I also knew I didn't have the courage to help them. Hell I didn't know how to help my damn self. So I just pretended not see their needs. I though teaching would be the answer to my career question at least. I love it or maybe in my mind i wanted to prove something to . To show her what you do with a position of authority over students. I always felt she stole some of innocence years ago. So i figured I'd be the role model she never could be.
I must of been deep in thought when the bell rang, because I almost jumped out my chair when I heard it. Dealing with students humble me. It was a way of giving back for me. I knew I was fortunate to have the hand that was dealt to me in my life, so I thought I'd go share my cards with other folks. That was one of the lessons my parents taught us. They always said, "When you get to a place where you're comfortable in life, embrace it, treasure it then go share it with someone else"
It was my last class and I was trying to decide what days I'd tale off to go see Ben. I decided I'd leave on Wednesday and return on Sunday evening. Two days had passed since Ben had proposed and I still hadn't found a way to tell my folks. I thought they'd be very excited so I couldn't figured out why I was so antsy. Deep down inside I knew it was because I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing.
I pulled in front of my house and saw a few extra cars out front. I'd forgotten it was Saturday night and dad had a few deacons from the church over to discuss church business. So i decided to go see what Carmen was up to. It has been a few since our fight last time, and I felt bad. I drove by her house and didn't see her car, so I thought she might be at Iran's, one of the get together spots. Iran kept us laughing all the time and he was a fantastic cook. I'd known him for years and he kind of helped me along with the gay life. Iran loved watching people and loved being seen. I drove the few miles, I soon arrived to his house. He had a huge patio awkwardly built in the front of his house. There were chairs, umbrellas, a barbeque grill, wet bar and colored patio lanterns hanging from the gate and roof. His place was smaller on the inside than it looked on the outside, but it didn't feel small. He had floor-to-floor ceiling mirrored walls in the living room and huge windows. Iran's place was always filled with people having cocktails, playing cards, and listing to music. Mostly professional fabulous looking women and men who wanted to get away from their nine to fives and the closet to let loose.
I knew this was a danger zone for me, but what the hell. If I was to be a heterosexual women, then as Carmen said, this shouldn't be a problem for me. Just standing outside the door I was feeling the music, It reminded me of those club days. We had a ball! Donna answered the door and said with a curious smile
"Hey Emily baby, long time no see."
"Hi, Donna how are you?" I asked as I gave her a hug.
"Real good, honey come on in"
Just like out times, the place was jumping with the latest sounds of R&B and house music. Iran was in the kitchen cooking up something. It smelled like his famous chicken spaghetti and homemade garlic bread. As I walked in I immediately felt all eyes on me. I knew Carmen had been running her mouth about me, but one thing about this group was that we supported each other. We often talked crap about each other, but there was still a lot of love and I felt it in the room.
Iran said "What's up girl, long time since I heard from you. Where have you been?"
"Just working" I said scanning the room.
"I heard you've flipped to the other side," he said with his hand over his mouth.
"Let's just say I'm doing what I have to do for me."
"Well, I wish you all the best. You know I'll always be here for you."
"Thanks, Iran. know"
Carmen walked over. I could tell she had more than a few cocktails. She wasn't drunk, but she was tipsy enough to be talking crap.
"Am I the only one keeping it real in here? You all act like some kind of miracle has occurred. Nothing's happen other then Emily is ruining her life and you're encouraging it."
"Lighten up Carmen" Iran said "This is her life, and if she feels like she needs to change, who are you or anyone else to say different? We've all been there."
"I'm her friend. A real friend and the only one, apparently who won't tell her what she want to hear."
Iran said "Damn Carmen, who made you the expert on gay/straight life?"
"You don't have to be an expert to see what's going on. Emily is about to mess up her life."
"Look Carmen, just chill with putting my business out," I said "What we discuss is not to be debated in an open forum."
Donna was within earshot. "To late for that. It's none of my business, but if someone asked me I think you really need to think about this Emily. We all know how hard this life is. Having to deal with our families, friends, jobs and the church. I feel your pain, I've been in the closet all my life Emily and that's probably where I'll stay. But to say you're not gay anymore, what's that all about?"
I pulled Donna to the side and said harshly, "I'm sick and tired of hearing the hate, listening to the patronizing questions, not to mention being ridiculed by people who know nothing about my world. As soon as people find out you're a lesbian the first thing they think about is sex. Hmmmm wonder what they do. Well, you know what I do. I get up every day and I go to work. I go to church. I spend countless hours tutoring my students. I honor my mother and father. I try my best to do the right thing. But when people find out you're lesbian all they see is one big walkin sexin vagina! I'm sick of it. What's wrong with not wanting to be hated? You can't change being white, black, Mexican, Asian, or even ugly, but I can damn sure change being lesbian anytime I damn please, and if that's what I want to do than that's what I'll do!"
By now I was completely out of breath and in need of a drink. I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of water to cool down. When I got back I said "Look, I didn't come here for this, but since I got you all together I have some news."
Everyone turned around and stopped what they were doing. Carmen walked over to where I was standing. I turned down the music and said, "I getting married!"
It got so quite you could hear a pen drop. Carmen finally said "Well I'll be damned. She's lost it for sure."
Iran and some of the others offered congratulations and best wishes. But Carmen and a few others had this look of disbelief on their faces.
Donna said "Who is the lucky man?"
"Ben Cooga" I said proudly.
"Ben Cooga I haven't seen him years," Donna said "where's he been, and how'd you meet him?
"He went to college in Virginia and lives there now. It's a long story..."
Carmen looked as if she was going to pass out. "I'm so over you Emily Fields. That's one ceremony I won't be attending" she said
Iran said "Well, I guess this has turned into an engagement party...
"An engagement party my ass!" Carmen said. "Where is the fiance? Oh, I forgot. He probably has no clue he's marrying a lesbian!"
"Will somebody please make her sit down and shut up? I've had about enough of her mouth" Iran said. "Hey are you all up for The
Waterfront tonight? Come on let's send Emily out right."
Carmen stood up and said "Oh you didn't know Emily doesn't do the gay clubs anymore. As a matter of fact I don't know why she'd here cause she don't do you gay people anymore either.
Totally ignoring Carmen I said, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have a pass"
"Come on Emily, let's do it for old times' sake. Who know when we'll be together again? Don't worry, we'll protect you from those beautiful ladies" Iran said laughing
I was thinking, why not? Why not see if I was as secure enough in my mind as I thought. And besides these guys had always been there for me and we'd seen a lot. We watched our friends contract HIV. We'd seen others try to take their own lives. Not to mention the drug and alcohol abuse we witnessed, and most of us hadn't reached thirty yet. I was like sister to them...not by age, just through naivety. I was either. I was either caught up in some stuff at the clubs or there was drama at the home with me sneaking out. What the hell I thought, if I could get through this night all would be cool.
I eventually said, "Let's meet up around one."
That was fine with me. It would give me a chance to go home and talk to the folks before going out. Frustrated as I was with Carmen, I told her I'd be by her house about midnight to pick her up.
