A.N.: Here's this week update. This one is relatively shorter though. Oh well. Enjoy.

Edited: 5/8/2018


CHAPTER 5: COMPLACENTLY EXISTING


"So, do you think you've made the right choice?"

"Hmm?"

In a light and airy room, two people sat facing each other. The other, a female doctor, wearing the customary white coat with a leather notebook in front of her, and the other a young woman. This young woman stared impassively at the doctor, who had never shed her professional mask from the first time she had met her years ago until now.

The young woman had been well versed with masks. She's worn them her whole life. Now her mask may not be as thick or as impenetrable as before, but it does not mean that she's incapable of reading others. She could tell, the doctor had grown attached to her. The doctor was worried of her well-being.

Mikan didn't know why, but she felt amused.

"It's been 5 years. You haven't returned to your family. You haven't contacted them either. Don't you think it's time?" Doctor Ueda asked.

Mikan let out a soft laugh. "Frankly, I didn't contact them because it's a bother. I've already had a life here. I'm not happy, never had been since, well, ever since I was a child, but I'm content here. It's peaceful." She stared down at her hands clasped on her lap. "I don't want to go back to that dead city."

"But surely you care about your family? Your friends? Based on what you have told me from previous sessions, they seem to care about you. Don't you want them to know that you are doing alright?"

Mikan closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Say, Doctor Ueda, do you have any family members and friends that have passed away?"

The doctor paused for a bit, and then, curious to see where this is going to go, she replied, "Yes. I've lost a grandmother and my father."

Mikan nodded, looking thoughtful. She was a far cry from the empty, listless person she used to be when strangers found her floating in the river, half drowned. "Did you grieve?"

"Of course I did."

"I grieved too when Tou-chan passed away." Mikan placed a hand on her cheek, titlting her head slightly to the side as she gazed at the doctor with warm brown eyes. "But time goes on. The world still moves. People come and go. The sun still rises every morning and the moon is still in the sky."

"You must still be sad that your family died, doctor," she continued, her unblinking eyes set on the doctor in front of her. Th doctor tried not to show her discomfort, but she had a feeling the woman in front of her could still see it. "The pain dulls, though it never leaves. But even with it, you'll still be able to work. Still be able to eat, walk, laugh."

She smiled at the doctor, a serene smile on her beautiful face. "It will be the same with me. They would cry for me, sure. They are good people who would be sad whenever somebody dies. But they will stand up and continue moving forward. Whether I'm there or not there is insignificant. Having me in their lives wouldn't change them much."

She leaned back on her chair, long chocolate hair brushing past her shoulders carelessly. "So you see, there's no important reason why I should tell them I'm alive. They'll move on."

The doctor maintained her posture. Her eyes, however, were intense. "You say that as though it's easy to move on. Have you moved on from your grandfather's death?"

Mikan's previously serene expression took on a slightly sharper edge. "I have," she declared. "I'm sitting here and talking in front of you, attending these sessions with you every week, doctor. If I haven't moved on, I would be curled up in my bed, crying like a baby."

"So you will make no effort to contact people from your previous life?"

"No."

The doctor couldn't help the slight frown from forming on her meticulously painted lips. Mikan giggled at the obvious displeasure, no longer able to hide her amusement.

"Don't get me wrong, Doctor Ueda," Mikan said. "I'm not hiding from them. But I'm also not going to call them and tell them I'm here. If they managed to find me here, so be it. I won't run."

"However?" the doctor pressed.

Mikan indulged her. "I won't go back to Tokyo. I've said this before, I have a job and close friends here. My life here is stable and comfortable. I won't leave this."

The doctor accepted that. Before she could continue with her questions, a 'ping' resounded through the room, indicating that the therapy session has ended. Mikan relaxed slightly. These sessions with Doctor Ueda were good, but they always left her exhausted at the end. Mikan had been so used to hiding herself, and now having to bare herself to this person, even if it's bit by bit, is mildly scary.

"That's it for today. For the next session, it will be at 1 in the afternoon on Wednesday next week."

Mikan stood up. "Thank you, doctor."

The doctor nodded at her. "Before you leave, please make sure to stock up on your antidepressants."

"Okay," Mikan replied. She turned around and swiftly left, her hair and skirt rustling softly.


"I'm back," Mikan announced, opening the doors of the establishment. It's break time then. There shouldn't be any customers at the diner. True enough, it was empty except for the lone figure slightly hunched over one of the tables, hands busily wiping away at any dirt and grime on the polished wood.

Nobara turned to her at the door and smiled sweetly. "Welcome back, Mikan-chan."

Mikan returned her smile. "Were there a lot of customers? I hope you were able to handle them."

"Oh it's alright," Nobara huffed, gently wiping away the edges of the tables. "Honestly, sometimes you are as bad as Rei."

"Shouldn't that be a given? You are his wife," Mikan pointed out. "Of course he would be worried about you all the time."

Nobara pouted at that. She looked so beautiful and endearing and sweet, Mikan couldn't help but marvel at Rei's good fortune of having such a woman as his life partner. "I've hired more people though! It's not just you and Youichi helping me around."

"They're just part timers."

"Part timers are still workers. And they all passed Rei's interview. You would think he'd get off my back now."

Mikan let out a giggle at the put out expression on Nobara's face. "Well, now you can rest. I'll take over. It's my shift next. I'll change my clothes first."

Nobara gave Mikan a grateful look. "Alright Mikan-chan. Thanks!"

Mikan gave a gentle pat on her shoulders, then she walked to the staff room to change into her work uniform. Nobara let out a sigh and she sat down on one of the many chairs in the room. Shortly after Mikan disappeared into the room, the front door rang once more and came in a teenager with the same shade of silver hair Nobara sported.

"Oh Youichi-kun! Welcome back."

"I'm back," the silver haired boy replied, a nonchalant expression on his face. Nobara gave him a hug, and he grunted at the affectionate display. Even after years of knowing his adopted sister, she never stopped hugging him from the first time she met him, even as they grew older.

Not like Youichi minded.

"Is there anyone else here aside from you, Nee-san?" he asked.

"Mikan-chan just came back from the hospital. She's changing right now."

At the mention of the young woman who came in their lives five years ago, Youichi relaxed slightly. He'd like to think he was a good reader when it comes to people, and Mikan is a good person. She's a bit quiet and passive, but she's kind and is a good worker, and that's really all that mattered.

"Okay. Anything that needs to be done here?"

"I was just done," Nobara reassured him. "After this, it will be your and Mikan-chan's turn right? I'm counting on you both."

Right when her name was mentioned, Mikan finally emerged from the staff room, clad in a light blue yukata, her long hair twisted into a bun. When Mikan saw Youchi, she waved at him, the movement accompanied with the smile Youchi was used to seeing on her face.

"Youichi-kun, hello. Done with school already?"

"Hmmm, yeah. I'm going to go change now." At that, he strode past her and went towards the staff room. Mikan turned to look at Nobara and said, with a slight pump of her fist, "Well, where should I start?"


Night came and covered the sky with a dark blanket embroidered with glittering stars. Mikan was just finished with her work, serving the customers of the diner with a pleasant smile on her face as always, and was on her way to the apartment she had rented for herself; the apartment Nobara had helped her find after she was discharged from the hospital. As Mikan walked back, accompanied only by moonlight and the click of her heels, she pondered on what her life has become.

When Mikan jumped, she had been prepared to die. At that moment in her life, she saw no point in being alive if she can't be happy. It's not like she has anyone who would truly care about her.

She was found several hours later, by strangers, half drowned in the river and with hypothermia. She was swiftly brought to the hospital, where she was treated. When she woke up, pain wracking her entire body and unfortunately still alive, Mikan thought, 'I'm such a failure, I can't even kill myself properly.'

When she woke up, she found out that she was in a hospital in Hakone. Mikan didn't know how on earth she managed to be here when she was pretty sure the river she fell in was nowhere near Hakone, but she didn't care.

She stayed in the hospital under suicide watch, once the doctors clued in that her being found in the river was deliberate, and not because of an unfortunate accident. She didn't say anything, didn't tell anything to anyone there. She responded to nothing, as though she was a mannequin.

A few days after she woke up, she finally met her saviors, a woman and a man, Nobara Serio and Rei Serio. A married couple who were enjoying their walk when they found her floating in the river. Nobara-chan was a beautiful woman, who was painfully shy and with obvious crowd anxiety, while Rei was her ever sombre and sour partner. He had been condescending towards Mikan because of her suicidal tendencies, seeing her as a coward, while Nobara had been nothing but kind and completely understanding. Soon after that, she was introduced with little Youichi Hijiri, a young boy adopted by Nobara's family, and was tagging along because he was curious.

After staying at the hospital for a while, Nobara, whom she had grown quite close to, took Mikan's hands in hers, looked at her with kind eyes and hopeful looks, and offered, "Do you want to work with me?"

Mikan agreed. Not like she had anything else to do.

And she stayed there, working with Nobara until now. Mikan's aware that she's doing it not because she wanted to live, she's just existing, and Nobara was kind enough to offer work to a suicidal stranger. She couldn't say no, just moving along with the current called 'life', no dreams and goal spurring her. She's pretty sure she doesn't have them anymore.


After Mikan was back in society, she asked Nobara to go back to the locker she stored her bag in, handing her the keys that had miraculously stayed with her during the entire time she was in the river; Mikan was too scared and unprepared that her family and former friends would find her again and hound her for answers. Nobara, sweet Nobara, asked no questions and retrieved her bag for her.

She got her stuff back, her laptop, her smartphone and her diary, and what little clothes, money and documents she packed with her. Mikan didn't even know why she packed these, it was an impulsive move that still baffled her. She didn't turn on her phone and merely switched on her laptop. She avoided signing in to her old accounts and made new ones, and new contact information.

Her phone was still with her, a remnant of her past she refused to look at. But reminded at the talk she had with Doctor Ueda, and contrary to what she said to the doctor, she wondered if it's time to call them.


When she arrived home, she took a bath, changed and flopped on her bed. The apartment was enough for a single person to live comfortably, and the rent was affordable. Nobara knew what she was doing when she found the place for Mikan.

She curled on her bed, damp hair clinging to her cheeks and neck, and she stared at the phone on her desk. Not her new one; the one she used now. Mikan never threw it away, her old phone with the simple pink casing.

Mikan reached for the phone. Curiosity finally caught up with her, and she turned it on. What are the odds that they are still looking for her? They've probably moved on with their life, like Mikan did, contributing to society like responsible adults.

The phone lit up and Mikan finally saw the number of calls and messages people left for her. The twinge in her chest coiled painfully, that part of her that still loved them (even after they left her, even after they showed that Mikan wasn't important enough for their time, even after everything). Mikan didn't read them. This showed they cared, but still she wondered how much they cared. Probably just enough to care and panic for a week, and then come to the realization that she's not there anymore and move on with their lives. Mikan's honoured that they even bothered to call, after weeks of silence before.

However, she still couldn't find it in herself to read them. She couldn't, not now. She'll do it later, when she has finally, finally found a reason to live, instead of simply existing.

Gripping the phone in her hand as she stared at the screen, she wondered when she would be brave enough to do so. Probably a long time. But she has all the time in the world, and think, 'This is fine.'


Mikan was sleeping, a dreamless sleep aided with sleeping pills recommended by the doctors, when her phone rang at night. Groggy, she reached for the phone making the racket and without looking, she swiped at the screen and quietly asked, "Yes?"

There was shaky and heavy breathing at the end. Mikan waited for the caller to say something, when she finally heard the caller's voice. It was different from before, much deeper now, but the tone and the inflection and the nickname has not changed. Mikan felt her blood freeze when she finally realized what phone she was holding (no, not her new one, no, it was her old one and dear Kami-sama, what are the odds that they would still try?)

"Polka?"

"...Natsume?"


A.N: 5 year time skip. Mikan's fine, with good people. She has to attend mandatory sessions with the doctors though.

I'll fix any errors later. I just want to get this out quick because I am buried under assignments. Thanks for reading.