A/N. It's been quite a while hasn't it? And I really shouldn't be writing this now. I should be writing a research paper for my literature class. Just call me Queen of Procrastination. I don't own anything. This chapter is dedicated to EpicInTheLibrary because she came up with the idea and you guys, I just love her, okay? Okay.
Logan wasn't the type to hold a grudge. He wasn't like Carlos who tended to forgive and forget within an hour of the incident. But he wasn't like Kendall and James who took a little longer to come around, swallow their pride and forgive. He fell somewhere in between. Logan was his own person. He tried his best to look at the situation from the offender's point of view in hopes of understanding their words of actions better. That was why he put up with his absent father for so many years.
But this was different. Logan had grown used to his distant relationship with his father. He had grown used to being let down by Ryan Mitchell. He learned to lean on others. Like his best friends. Like James. So he didn't know why to do when it was James who broke his heart and his trust. For so long, James had been on of the few people that Logan felt he could depend on. And as much as Logan wanted to forgive James and pretend that what had happened with Camille didn't bother him, it was easier said than done.
Nobody was really surprised when rehearsals with Gustavo came and went and Logan still hadn't spoken to James. Upon hearing what had happened between the two boys, Gustavo and Kelly were far from happy. They were worried that the tension would make it hard for the boys to concentrate. They were right of course. With the exception of Logan, who was used to throwing himself into his work and using it as a distraction from his problems, the boys struggled mightily, missing cues, tripping over their own feet, and generally zoning out. James wasn't used to one of his best friends treat him like a complete stranger and Kendall and Carlos were caught in the middle. They were still furious at James but at the same time, Logan's uncharacteristic behavior unnerved them. In the end, Gustavo gave up and sent them home early, giving Kendall strict instructions to "fix" the problem.
Even though Logan's cold shoulder to James was well deserved, Kendall started to get really worried when one day changed into two and two days changed into three and Logan still hadn't budged. He got that sinking feeling that there was more than he himself could see with what had happened between Logan and James and Camille. Something had hurt Logan more deeply that Kendall himself could guess. As for Carlos, he hated seeing his friends fight and the fact that Logan barely spoke to anyone and the other fact that James looked constantly on the verge of tears made him unhappy. He wished they could just talk. But Logan didn't want anything to do with James and avoided him as much as possible. Kendall didn't even know what to do and that only increased Carlos' fear and worry because Kendall always knew what to do.
James was going to go insane. In all his life, he couldn't remember a worse fight between any of them. He could literally use his fingers and toes to count the words Logan had spoken directly to him and still have digits left over. The other boy's silence hurt but it was nothing compared to the pain and betrayal that lingered in Logan's eyes days after that horrible night. James hated himself and he didn't blame Logan one bit if he never wanted to be friends again. He didn't deserve Logan's friendship.
James tapped his foot restlessly, the sound muffled by the carpeted floor. He glanced at his watch. 2:15. He had been waiting for half an hour. Waiting for Logan. But he had gone for another walk and had yet to return. He had been spending more and more time by himself lately, not going to great lengths to avoid Kendall and Carlos, but not constantly at their side like normal. One thing that hadn't changed about Logan was that he was still as responsible as always. He always told someone where he was going and when he expected to be back. Unfortunately, that person hadn't been James so he had no idea how much longer he would have to be waiting.
He looked at his watch again. 2:20. He heaved a frustrated sigh. It felt like a lot more time than five minutes had passed. James stood up and paced around the room. It was easy to do. Logan always kept his room perfectly neat.
James had decided to ambush Logan since he had been so intent on avoiding him. What better place to do it than his room where he would definitely come right after his walk? James wasn't exactly sure what he planned on saying to Logan once he actually did return. He wanted to ask for what he didn't deserve. But there was another problem that needed to be addressed. As the days passed, and Logan became increasingly withdrawn from everyone, James was worried that he had hurt him so badly that he stopped trusting people all together. He wanted to at least try and fix that problem. Kendall had offered to talk to Logan but Jame insisted. He had made the enormous mess and it was his job to clean it up. Or at least try.
As James made his fifth lap around the room, something on the floor by the trash can caught his eye. He frowned and bent to retrieve a crumpled up piece of paper. Logan had obviously intended to throw it out but had missed the trash can and had yet to notice. James' first move was to simply toss the trash where it belonged. But something held him back. That same something made him sit at Logan's desk and carefully unfold the paper, smooth out the creases, and read it.
He couldn't stop reading it if he tried. But James didn't even try. He read the letter and he read it again and again and again until the words were spinning around in his mind and he had to rest his head in his hands to fight off the sudden dizziness. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach and hit him over the head at the same time. He felt physically sick and before he knew it, tears had sprung to his eyes and he had to blink them back. As if to punish himself further, James read the letter once again. His free hand, the one that wasn't holding the piece of paper, clenched into a fist, fingernails digging into his palm. And he thought he felt horrible before.
The letter Logan wrote to his late mother was heartbreaking in more ways than James thought possible. It was the way Logan shot himself down, saying he didn't deserve Camille or his best friends. It was the way he made a vague allusion to his father when he talked about his fear of loving people. It was the way he called James a "great friend". The guilt inside of James intensified until he felt like it was eating him up from the inside. He took a deep breath and with shaking hands, began to crumple up the letter once again and throw it away when a voice stopped him.
"What are you doing?"
James' head snapped up and his entire body froze when he saw the figure standing in the doorway, a look of complete disbelief on his face. His throat felt so dry that it was a miracle he managed to speak at all. "Logan."
Logan was suddenly at James' side. He snatched the letter from his hands, tore it up into tiny pieces and threw them all in the trash can. Then he turned back to James, his face heated in embarrassment and hurt all over again. "Why? That was private, James. Why would you read it?"
James searched desperately for words to explain his action but he came up empty. "Logan, I'm so sorry. I was waiting for you. I was hoping we could talk. And then I saw that on the floor and I was going to throw it away but then I was reading it and-" He cut off his ramblings abruptly when saw the doubt in Logan's eyes. "I'm sorry." He repeated.
"Get out." Logan whispered.
James cringed at the words. "Logan, I-"
This time Logan cut him off. "Get out, James. Please." The pain had smoother over to a blank look as Logan gestured to the door. He shook his head when James opened his mouth to speak again. "I can't deal with this right now, James. I want to be alone."
James wanted to protest this. He didn't want Logan to be alone again. He spent far too much time alone and it worried all of them. But there was nothing he could do. It occurred to him that Logan had wanted to be alone so badly that he had spoken more words to James in the past minute, than he had in the past few days combined. So he stood and left, whispering yet another apology and he walked past Logan.
Tears blurred his eyesight and he didn't even see Kendall until he ran straight into him. He felt a steady hand being placed on his shoulder and somehow he made it to his own room. The hand pushed him down on his bed and James heard Kendall's voice.
"What happened?"
James looked up to see not only Kendall, but Carlos there as well. "The letter." He managed to choke out.
Kendall's face went from concern to confusion. "What letter?" He asked.
But how could he tell them? James shook his head, trying to fight back the tears that had been threatening to fall for days. "I. . . can't." He whispered brokenly.
"James, you can tell us anything." Carlos finally spoke up. "We're your friends."
James could only shake his head again. "You'll hate me when I tell you." He insisted. "You won't want to be my friends anymore. Just like Logan. And I deserve it."
"You can tell us anything." Kendall repeated Carlos' words. He waited but James didn't say anything. "James," He said gently. "If this has anything to do with Logan, then you need to tell us. We're worried about him too but you know more than us. At least tell us for Logan's sake."
Kendall was right. So instead of shaking his head again, James nodded. "Okay." He breathed. "When Camille and Logan went out the other night, Camille had been planning on telling him part of her feelings."
"Part?" Carlos questioned.
"I told her earlier that if we were ever to have a relationship, then it would have to wait a while. Like, she couldn't just break up with Logan and then be with me. But she thought that the sooner she broke up with him, the better."
"She was right about that at least." Kendall grudgingly admitted. "But she was too late."
"Yeah." James said quietly. Staring at his hands. "Because Logan was already in love with her. He. . . He read her a letter that he wrote to his mom."
The silence that followed his words was almost unbearable. James could feel Carlos and Kendall staring at him, in total disbelief. When he glanced up at them, he saw a sadness in their eyes that made him look quickly back down.
"His mom?" Kendall finally repeated in a shaky voice that made James feel impossibly worse. Kendall hardly ever cried.
"Yes." It was all he could say.
"Well," Kendall bit his lip. "At least things make a little more sense. I mean," He ran a hand through his dark blonde hair. "Wow."
"Poor Logan." Carlos murmured sadly.
"What happened today?" Kendall asked at last. "What does. . . the letter have anything to do with today?"
James cringed. "I was waiting for Logan in his room and. . . I saw a piece of paper on the floor so I. . . I picked it up to throw it away but. . . then I read it." He fell silent and waited for his friends' reactions.
"James." Kendall whispered in disbelief. "Why?"
Exactly what Logan had asked him. The tears began to burn his eyes again. "I don't know." He whispered miserably. "I honestly was just going to throw it out and then before I knew it, I was reading it." He forced himself to look up at Kendall and Carlos. "He talked about how he was in love with Camille and how he's afraid to get too close to people and. . ." His voice cracked and he trailed off, waiting until he steadied himself. "He said he didn't deserve us as friends. But he was wrong. I don't deserve you guys as my friends."
A/N. Short and sweet seems to be all I can write lately. I'm sorry. I hope you liked this. Please review. Reviews motivate me better than anything else. I should probably start that paper now.
