When I can't sleep, I go down into the basement to lie by the warm furnace. When I am there, it is my time to think and consider things. That night, I stayed there because I was ashamed of letting myself go. I thought and considered why I permitted my instinct to get the better of me. My eyes closed as I breathed in the warm air coming from the old cast iron contraption adjacent to me.

It was too similar for my comfort to a certain day. The day that started my path to becoming Near, when I was still a sweet innocent child who couldn't recognize all the problems spinning like a vortex around me. In those days I was like a fire. I do not feel like explaining this now, this is my journal; I can do what I please. Now, I just want some time to think and remember.

'Mommy, you're supposed to be in bed. The doctor man says you're sick.'

'No, I'm all right. I have something I have to take care of. A surprise for you, Nate.'

I love surprises. I wonder what mommy is doing? She doesn't have a present clamped between her rough hands. Maybe she's waiting for daddy, he will be back from church soon. I love daddy. I love mommy, even though she punishes me sometimes and is very sick says the doctor man. The doctor man smells funny, and he asks me lots of questions about mommy. Mommy told me what to say when he asks his questions, because if I don't answer the way mommy says then I'll go to the place for bad people. I'll go to hell, where there are no toys, which daddy buys to say sorry for sick mommy. There's just a big fire pit instead.

Mommy lifts me up high into the air. She is carrying me up the stairs. I guess it is late. She is taking me up to bed. But, now she's walking past the bed. She's walking to the window. Mommy is very sick, and daddy says I'm big. I'm taller than all the other boys at preschool. I'm too big for her to carry. Why are we going to the window? It is a starry night. Maybe she wants to sing me the star song. I like the star song.

Why is mommy opening the window? It is cold outside. The doctor man especially for me says I can't go into the cold. I don't like him though, because he always acts sad. Mommy is smiling, she looks happy. Now she is putting my head out the window, now my body. She wants me to see the stars while she sings me the song. But, when she talks she sounds scary.

'Surprise, Nate.'