Please God, let me take his place.
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.
Warnings: Rated M for drug use, strong language, drug use and adult themes.
Chapter 7: Blank thought
B POV
I coughed slightly as I walked out of the radiation room for the last time, by the time I had finished buttoning up my shirt I had followed the Doctor back into his office and I sat down in front of his desk.
He was reading through my file for a moment and then he looked up at me and smiled, "well, that's that done, Brian."
"Done?" I asked tentatively.
"Well, all signs of cancer appear to be eradicated," he said, and I had never felt more relieved in my life. Well, actually, I had...
"Brian," said Debbie at the diner, "not that you care, but, Sunshine just woke up from his coma."
But I didn't want to think about that.
"So..." I began slowly, "what does that mean? Is the cancer over?"
"We will be keeping an eye on you for a while and we will be prescribing some medication," said the Doctor, "but I think we can safely assume the cancer is gone."
I smiled, I actually fucking smiled.
"We also ran some tests and your fertility was not affected, and it is safe for you to copulate again."
"It is?" I asked, probably more enthusiastically than I would have liked.
My Doctor grinned at me, "yes, it should be safe for you and your partner."
I thanked the man genuinely and was happy to turn my back on the hospital. I felt, good. I felt happy, my nightmare was finally over.
I was gonna be okay.
I was gonna be okay.
The first thing I did was swing by PIFA, I didn't even know why. I just wanted to see Justin, to be with him. To rejoice in my fortune with him. If I'd have told people I had cancer, Justin would be the first person I'd tell that I was cured.
As I saw the students hanging around the campus, I looked at my watch and realised it was lunchtime. Perfect.
I looked around until I saw Justin, he was sat with some friends on one of the benches and I immediately walked over to him.
"Hey." I said, he immediately looked up, pure shock in his eyes. He stood up.
"Hey," he said, surprised. "What are...?"
I cut off his question with a searing kiss that left him breathless, which, could have technically have been my answer.
He looked into my eyes, breathing softly, his lips swollen. I just wanted to grab him and fuck him right there on the bench, regardless of who was watching.
But a small, albeit loud, part of me wanted my "first in a long time" time with Justin to be special, and I wanted it to be with him too, there wasn't even a single part of me that wanted to fuck some trick in Babylon.
"W..what are you doing here?" He finally stammered.
"I wanted to see you." I admitted truthfully, and I couldn't help but smile when his cheeks flushed.
"What are you doing tonight? I pressed.
He gazed at me from under his long eyelashes, a move that made me melt inside, and shook his head slightly. "Nothing."
I couldn't help but grin. "Would you like to have dinner with me?"
He looked up at me and his eyebrows shot up. "What?"
I laughed. "You 'no, dinner, where two people go to a restaurant and eat, it's traditionally known as a date..."
He just stared up at me. "You want to go on a date with me?"
"Yes," I answered confidently, "I want to go on a date with you."
Justin smiled his Sunshine smile in pure pleasure and the effect was dazzling.
"Okay."
...
J POV
"Justin!" Emmett called in the middle of the shop, trying to get my attention. I turned to him and smiled apologetically.
"Sorry." I said.
He smiled. "Don't be, baby. Brian Kinney has just asked you out on a date, you can daydream as much as you like."
I smiled broadly. "I just can't believe he'd ask me!" I gushed, looking around the clothes shop, "and I want to look really good tonight."
"And you will," Emmett assured me, "we are going to make you look fabulous."
Justin grinned again as he began looking through a rack of dress shirts. "You 'no, this is the first time he's ever asked me out to dinner." I admitted.
Emmett smiled slightly, "I'm not surprised, honey." He admitted. "Makes me wonder why he's starting now."
I shook my head in bewilderment. "Your guess is as good as mine." I told him, laughing slightly. "I mean, he's been acting so odd lately, maybe he just felt guilty about shouting at me." I suddenly felt very nervous and turned to face Emmett. "You don't think it's just because he feels guilty?"
Emmett laughed. "Brian Kinney doesn't do guilt."
"Yeah," I agreed.
Emmett continued, "Brian Kinney doesn't so guilt, or remorse, or deceit, or sexual favours..."
"Well," I cut in, "except the other night."
"Huhhhhh?" Emmet exclaimed, at my side in a second. "Dishhhhhh!"
I grinned as I remembered the events of that evening. "Well," I began slowly, "Brian, kind of...gave me a blowjob."
I watched, amused, as Emmett's eyebrows shot up. "He gave you a blowjob?"
I nodded excitedly. "It was incredible."
Emmett snorted slightly, "I wonder what he wanted in return for that." He smirked, his question rhetorical.
I could feel the worry build up in my stomach. "Actually..." I began, gaining Em's attention, "he didn't want me to do anything."
"What?"
"Well, I , you 'no, tried to return the favour, but...he just told me he was tired."
"Tired?" Asked Emmett incredulously, "Brian fucking Kinney was too tired? Why was he tired?"
"I don't know," I answered honestly, "he never gave me a reason."
...
B POV
I was humming to myself as I selected my favourite Armani suit from my closet and began deciding which tie would look the best. I wanted to look really good for Sunshine tonight. I didn't quite know why, I just did. It made me happy.
I had actually forgotten what it was like to be happy, proper, unhindered happiness for the first time in weeks, months.
But tonight I can be with my Sunshine with no worries or fears, and I could make love to him again.
Make love, I scoffed myself.
...
I pulled the chair out for Justin as the waiter placed the menu's on the table for two. I made sure I got the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh, nothing but the best for my Sunshine.
Justin had been smiling uncontrollably the entire time and I couldn't help but be pleased with that. God, he looked good tonight, a dark brown shirt that fitted him perfectly and dark jeans that hugged his perfect ass in all the right places.
I liked to think that maybe he'd gone to some extra effort for me tonight, as I had done for him, but I soon decided that I was deluding myself.
Although, he hadn't been able to keep his eyes off of me the entire car journey, and that was enough to keep the grin plastered to my face.
Once we had ordered we settled down into contented conversation, Justin and I had known each other for so long now, we were so at ease around each other, and I loved that. Although, I had given it lots of thought and decided against telling Justin about the cancer, it wasn't that I wanted to lie to him, it was that the cancer was gone now, and there was no point bringing up shit from the past when we could just move forward, together.
"By the way," I whispered huskily, leaning dangerously close to Justin's lips, I grinned when I heard his breathing hitch, "You look so hot in that outfit."
When I drew back, he was smiling in pleasure. "Really?" He asked, I nodded, biting my lip seductively.
Justin continued to smile widely, "so, what brought all of this on?" He asked finally, gesturing to the restaurant.
I shrugged, trying to act as nonchalant as I could. "I wanted to spend some time with you." I admitted truthfully.
His smile seemed to grow wider, I had no idea that that would be humanly possible.
"And..." I began, leaning back to him, "how would you feel about reciprocating to my advances the other night?"
Justin laughed in joy.
...
J POV
He threw me onto the bed, pushed me down, kept me pinned to the bed with his body weight. He kissed me so hard it almost hurt, but I wanted more, I begged for more.
I cried out in pleasure as he entered me in one swift movement, revelling in the feeling of him inside of me again. A feeling so familiar, and yet so missed.
I almost came when he began to moan into my mouth, the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard, I couldn't control my ecstasy as he began thrusting in and out of me, and when we both climaxed, always together, I couldn't help staring up at his beautiful face as he came.
...
We lay in bed together afterwards, just holding each other contently, were only holding each other , of course, because Brian Kinney didn't cuddle.
"You were amazing." Brian said eventually, my whole body swelled with pride and my face flushed with pleasure.
"I was?" I asked happily, grinning, "so were you."
I groaned as I stretched in Brian's arms. "It's been too long since you've fucked me." I said in all honesty.
"I agree." Said Brian almost immediately, causing me to grin.
"Although," I began, propping myself up on one elbow to look at him, "that blowjob you gave me the other night was extraordinary."
He didn't say anything, but he looked pleased with himself.
I stroked his cheek, "you should have let me do the same for you," I said softly, "give you the pleasure you gave me."
"I know," he said softly, turning to me, "but I was really tired."
"I know." I said, "why were you tired?" I asked him tentatively.
"I told you." He said casually.
I scrunched my eyes up. "No you didn't." I told him. Brian stared at me for a long moment, but I couldn't recall any moment where he had said anything about why he was tired.
"Ryder wanted me to work on an account." Said Brian.
I was so confused, "Brian," I began, "you never said that." I could feel that worry building up again, "and, you, err...you don't work for Ryder any more, Brian."
I watched him carefully as he paused for a moment. "Yeah..." he said finally, looking confused, "but," he continued, "then you went to the diner and told everyone."
"Brian," I began slowly, seriously worried he'd lost the plot, "I haven't been to the diner in days."
Brian's eyes widened and he sat up, "but I wasn't there when you went to the diner!" He exclaimed, seemingly to himself. He looked worried for a moment, and then leant over and kissed me fiercely on the lips. As soon as it was over he jumped from the bed and left the room, leaving my speechless, worried and confused.
...
B POV
"So, I think I've been doing things, and my boyfriend says that those things haven't even happened!" I explained, whilst my Doctor was listening, I hoped he didn't think I was crazy.
"And," began his Doctor, "you are sure you're not just remembering things wrong?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm convinced conversations have happened that I wasn't even a part of! I even think I was talking about getting some work done for a boss I haven't worked for in years!"
My Doctor eyed me carefully. "And your partner says you never said these things, and he never said the things you thought he did?"
I shook my head, worried.
"Well," began the Doctor, "that sounds like you were hallucinating, Brian."
"Hallucinating?" I asked, stunned, "why? The radiation? The pain killers?"
The Doctor shook his head, "the only reason you would be hallucinating is..." my Doctor looked instantly worried and something stirred in the pit of my stomach; stone cold dread.
...
I'd asked if he could get the results of my testing back immediately and he said that he would have done that anyway. As soon as we had discussed my hallucinations, he had taken my blood, I'd been through a CAT scan, x-ray...everything, and here we sat a few hours later as he examined my results, he looked...troubled.
"Well?" I asked impatiently, "am I allergic to the medication? Did the radiation effect my body in some way?"
There was a long pause before he spoke.
"I'm so sorry, Brian," said the doctor finally, "but the cancer is back, and it's spread to your abdomen."
I blinked, only one thought going through my brain;
...
