this is a flashback scene. it's meant to be Percy reminiscing about meeting Audrey at her flat. it's going to go back to the original plotline in a second. it's just their backstory is so convoluted, i though might as well put some flashbacks! previously, Audrey's personality was SO different but... this is easier to write with what i have in mind. the reason why i went so long without updating is because i had so much trouble fine-tuning Audrey's personality for this one! but now i have two more flashback scenes i can use... just not consecutively i feel!

comment replies:

closetkpopfan: writing Percy being gentle with his daughters is my favourite! personally, i prefer the idea of Audrey vs. Penelope. Audrey is a blank canvas. she could be whatever you want to be but Penelope is somewhat established.

Phoenixx Rising: i love how forever Team Percy you are. i love it!

Son of Whitebeard: thank you so much for your comments. i hope you enjoy this chapter!

Matthew W. Kirkland: i'm so glad you're enjoying it!


The Devil Wears Second-Hand Robes

Chapter Five: This Cytobrush Costs How Much? Part 3


Percy remembered how Audrey looked like when he met her. Her lifeless auburn hair twisted into more loops than it took to make a Quidditch hoop. She had more spots than a dragonpox victim. Her glasses were almost bigger than his!

"This is Percy, my other friend, who is single," Penelope said, placing a hand on Percy's arm. "He also reads books."

"I do not just read books, Penelope," Audrey said, her voice so stern that Percy bet a werewolf in Japan could just to be able to hear her. Her tone was sharper than Ollivander's… well, whatever he used to make wands. He bet that it was very pointy. "I own several bookstores. So… if you read books that often, I would've seen you in at least once."

Percy would like to stab her with that pointy thing of Ollivander's now. He felt like he was failing a job interview.

"Th-that's… nice," Percy stuttered. Was that a RASH on her neck? "But I don't frequent your bookstore because—"

"You don't live in London? That's obvious from that accent," Audrey nodded as she inspected the tea sandwiches she made. She looked to be critiquing herself. Percy was flabbergasted, mostly because they looked like they could be featured on Witch Weekly. "Well… I suppose I do 'read books'. Though I'm not sure what you consider literature."

What was wrong with his accent? Percy fumed, with his arms crossed over his chest. "Well… I read…" he tried to rummage his brain for the two muggle books that he read for his Muggle Studies class. "The Hobbit!"

That was when he remembered he also read To Kill A Mockingbird. His life was a dreary vortex of misfortune.

"I'm sure it taught you a lot of life lessons," Audrey said. "It did when I read that book… when I was five."

Percy was about to faint. Maybe she could revive him. He bet she could manage to cardiopulmonary rescuitate a ghost back into life. She sounded like she could double his O.W.L scores. "Oh," he rubbed his arm.

He had to pick up a dictionary reading that book. Sure, it was a muggle to wizard dictionary but… still!

Besides, what did that Tolkien bloke get off anyway? Percy read things that made more sense in The Quibbler… which he was an avid subscriber to since he'd been able to understand sentences. But he was in the closet about it. Of course, when he told people that he was in the closet about something, they always had the wrong idea for some reason!

"Why don't you tell me about yourself? Is it Percival or Perseus?" Audrey asked. She didn't maintain eye contact with him, and he had trouble believing she wasn't a heliopath. "And do you look at everyone's rashes or just mine?"

"Percival!" Penelope scowled at him. At least that answered Audrey's question. "That's… so rude!"

Bill, too, would've been unimpressed with his rash-gazing behaviour. It's rude to look at other people's imperfections! How would you like it if I did that to you, Four Eyes? To think that years from now, Bill's face would be clawed off by a rabid wolf and he'd still look more elegant and refined than Percy in his best clothes… on his wedding day.

"I-I didn't mean to… Miss! I… I HAVE A RASH TOO!" Percy's ears went red. "It's on my back and shaped like a Christmas tree. Unfortunately, it is not seasonally correct, but… fortunately, it is absolutely perfect for Hallowe'en this month! If you'd like to go with me… as-as… an angry spirit of fire!" most women did not like to be called angry spirits of fire, so Percy was sure that he was not qualified for his job as this woman's friendly acquaintance!

"What do you mean an angry spirit of fire?" Penelope ranted off to Percy. She did not look flattering at all, wearing that frock. Then he remembered that he bought her that frock for her birthday. "What do you get off, mate?"

Instead of being disgusted and hoping he would disapparate away into his fatal doom, Audrey… smiled into her glass?

"I… I like seasonally incorrect things," Audrey said. "Well… I didn't know Valentine's Day comes in October too."

"I am not a Valentine," Percy didn't understand she was—um… flirting with him. "THIS is just my hair!"

"Don't listen to him, Audrey! He's… single!" Penelope stressed to Audrey—again. At the time, it hadn't percolated through Percy's brain that she was trying to set him up with Audrey. "I think I'll pour you both a drink. How's that?"

Before waiting them to answer, Penelope poured them both the firewhiskey she bought Audrey as a flat-warming gift.

Audrey knew so little about alcohol that she had more queries about what a whiskey was than what firewhiskey was.

As he drank, he plopped a chicken sandwich into his mouth and chewed. At the time, Percy was not vegetarian.

In fact, he only turned vegetarian after he left his Burrow. In his first day in his new flat, Percy avoided having a Sunday roast with the neighbours by telling them that he didn't eat meat. Unfortunately for him, he felt like he had to carry on the charade. So, for a full-year, he made sure that no roasted animal parts were wafting from his flat—only cold baked beans in a can and his jam doughnuts (without any animal-based gelatin) at six in the morning. He did not eat any at work, just in case his neighbours could smell the scent of pork pies wafting off him. They had a German Shepherd… Percy knew that that-that foul beast would be able to smell it on him! With his startling red hair, that bloody hound thought he was a fire hydrant. Percy did not know how, but there was the time that he was invited to the Minister's office and burst into tears when he almost ate venison. He supposed that 'fake it 'til you make it' really did apply to him. That day, the Minister spent an hour trying to calm him down as Percy screeched DEER… DEER!

The Minister's reply? I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Mr Weasley!

Right now, Percy was eying the carpeting Audrey chose for her flat. Her flat was so clean that it made Fudge's wife's pearls look muddy. He made a mental note to spring clean his room. There was a time were his Prefect and Head Boy badges gleamed more than his Narcissa Malfoy's wedding ring… if only he knew where the blasted things were now!

Penelope cleared her throat and Percy looked up. Maybe she swallowed his badges when they slept with each other.

"You two should make eye contact for longer than five seconds!" Penelope suggested. "It'll help you both loosen up."

Percy and Audrey looked at each other for exactly six seconds before they turned away—Percy faced a picture of young Audrey with a birthday cake covered in strawberries. She didn't have any rashes then. Audrey turned to fixate on the loaves that Penelope bought over. They looked like they were about to come to life and attack her marmalade.

"I think you two have a lot in common," Penelope prompted. "It might be good for you to talk to each other."

When they did not say anything, Penelope shoved them towards each other. He choked on his first sip of firewhiskey.

He was so close to her that he realised that she could smell the wand polish on him. He could smell a strong floral smell wafting from her hair. If he was a phoenix, this would be a good time to burst into flames from embarrassment.

"Any topic is better than this awkward, impenetrable silence," Penelope suggested. Ha. Penelope said penetrate.

Audrey inched even closer to Percy. She ran her finger against the rim of the grey cup. Really nice actually. Percy had underpants the same colour as Audrey's mugs. Meanwhile, Percy dared to run his hand through The Unruly Thing—which served only to make it… unrulier and greasier than one of his mum's fry-ups.

"Penelope told me you had a classified government job," Audrey said. "And apparently, now… a fungal infection."

"Pardon?" Percy's face was red now, and she just smirked into her cup. "I most certainly do not!"

"Okay," Audrey said. She picked up one of her pigs in blanket to nibble on. "But you do. That Christmas tree pattern on your back is almost characteristic of a fungal infection. I thought you'd know… considering how much you read."

Percy didn't know how he was going to tell his mum his new friend rejected him because he didn't read enough.

Penelope was white. She grabbed his arm and whispered into his ear, "This is how you sound like to everyone else!"

They drank together in a dimly lit room. Percy did not know why Penelope lit up the vanilla candles that she got Audrey for Christmas… which was months off from now. He also did not know why she told him to feed Audrey a chocolate truffle. She only accepted dark chocolate, for its high antioxidant content.

During this time, Percy found out that Audrey Claire Brown was eighteen years old. When she turned eighteen a few months back, her father decided to retire and give her the shop to own and run. Audrey said it came almost natural to her that she 'basically worked in a bookstore all her life'—which Percy said was the biggest hyperbole he'd ever heard. When he said that, Audrey looked mildly amused. It was so unnatural he was sure Penelope nearly had a heart attack.

"Unbelievable," Penelope said when Audrey had to push up her glasses. She almost chuckled!

Percy raised an eyebrow. That was what he said! Audrey's statement had to be a hyperbole. Of course, it was unbelievable. Sometimes, he didn't understand Penelope or why she needed to keep three cases of wine in her flat!

Penelope leaned to Percy, "Don't touch her mouth. Snog her… there." She whispered. "You're good at that."

"Where?" Percy didn't know where in Merlin's name she was talking about!

By the time that it turned six, Penelope said that she was about to leave so that 'they could get to know each other more without her pestering them'. They sat in silence for most of the evening, drinking from Penelope's firewhiskey bottle because Penelope went through all that trouble to make them eat homemade chocolate-dipped strawberries. He promised Penelope that he'd stay until eight at the very least. This was not a problem for him. Percy had to suffer through much worse… such as Quidditch tournaments he went with his family. How unbearable!

Penelope told them they should get dinner too and tried to tell Percy to snog her… somewhere.

After some time, Audrey looked away from him to smile, because she realised that she'd been wearing a jacket indoors for two hours now. They were in her flat! And she was just about to complain about the heat!

.

Percy wished he could remember how he and her, the most boring people in Britain, managed to have it off that night!

He could not remember what happened that evening, but he woke up in her bed the next morning—at seven o'clock.

They both drank so much water last night that he recalled them spending much of the night taking turns in the lavatory. Whilst he could remember that vividly, the rest of the night was a blur! At least he was now sure that his pounding headache was not from dehydration, but rather him digesting his own stupidity!

Audrey was already up! Of course… she was sat on the other side of the bed, in her fluffy, red full-sleeved pyjamas.

The only evidence that he'd done anything was the fact that there was a condom in the rubbish bin. He knew it was his, because Charlie gave him that condom about five years ago when he assumed Percy would need it… at thirteen!

Their clothes from last night was folded into a chair, and Percy noticed that he was wearing an oversized grey t-shirt with holes in it that smelled like flowers, and a pair of oversized pyjama red bottoms. He didn't ask her whose pyjamas he was wearing but he hoped he wouldn't find out that she had a six-foot-four, fifteen stone bloke in her life.

She was nursing a bowl of porridge. She invited him to eat with her when she offered him a spoon… which was so pretty and clean that Percy did not want to soil it with the bacteria growing into his mouth. Percy was so eerily shocked by how neat she was that instead of being horrified by the fact that he slept with her, he was more focused on whether or not he'd bothered shaving The Unruly Forbidden Forest. He was sure he could start his own Herbology greenhouse in his pants alone. Well… red house.

Here he was! Having it off with a muggle girl that he barely knew, eating porridge in her flat the day after!

How he'd descended down into a life of melancholy and perpetual remorse… how dare he have it off with a woman? Didn't she know that they could almost always do better than him? Someone with properly aligned teeth at least?

It wasn't like he was good in bed either. He needed a diagram to be able to know where to put it!

"I hope that you don't mind that I've cracked open the window. I find the weather to be pleasantly acceptable today," was Audrey and him having small talk after what they'd done last night? Percy was wished he could set his brain matter on fire. He'd risk losing all his O.W.L's for it. "I saw gardenias being delivered downstairs to the neighbours."

"Nice?" Percy said. Why was it cold today and why was the window open? It was only October! Percy bet that his blood was so cold even vampires refused to sink their teeth into it for fear of getting irretractable frostbite. "No wonder the shops started selling Christmas products now! They aren't sure if England would make it this year if it gets any colder. I suppose… if you don't want to feel your genitals, then it is absolutely wonderful weather!"

"Well…" Audrey looked away from him. "I can't… but I'm particularly sure it has nothing to do with the weather."

Percy choked on his oats. He hoped she ground up peanuts into her oats and he was going to die.

"Well! Um… you said… gardenias?" Percy reiterated. "I heard you say something about gardenias being delivered."

Gardenias were traditionally wedding flowers. Was this her way of proposing? Percy felt so embarrassed. He couldn't say no to women. Everyone knew that was rude. Merlin, how was he going to explain THAT to his mum?

Audrey nodded her head. "Yes. They're my favourite flowers," she said. "I was just making polite conversation."

Percy's shoulders sagged with relief. Now, what was her date of birth, height, weight and education level? Percy wanted to know as much as possible, so he didn't feel like he just soiled her flowery fallopian tubes.

"Audrey?" Percy cleared his throat. "About-about last night…"

Merlin, his mum would think he was working late! That was almost worse than her knowing the truth.

"Yes?" Audrey looked confused. "Oh yes… I'll write a terrible review on their website about that whiskey!"

He put in a whole mouthful of cold oats into his mouth. Could he self-diagnose himself with pancreatitis? He had a pain originating in his abdomen, radiating to his back. And apparently, as of last night, Percy was now an alcoholic!

"Though I feel conflicted…" Audrey ate more of her inedible oats. Hermes wouldn't eat that without sugar and butter. "They were as advertised—forget-me-nots! I think I have more memory of my own conception… which, well… yes."

"No… well… I…" Percy did not read enough books. If he read enough books about this matter, he'd handle it better!

"Do you like orange juice?" Audrey offered him a cup. He took a sip and he realised that even this did not have sugar. Percy wondered if the sugar cubes she had next to the tea were sweet, or if they just looked normal. "Yes?"

"Well… yes… I…" Percy stammered. "I… I apologise for that-that imprudent thing that I've done last night."

He then realised it might sound like he wished that he hadn't sleep with a woman that was flatter than a chessboard.

"Well, I-I can most definitely tell that you're a remarkable woman… well, from the little that I do know about you—an excerpt!" Percy went even redder. He didn't think it was possible. He may have burst a blood vessel in his brain. "But I'd preferred to have slept with you in a much more lucid state, preferably—say… at around chapter twenty!"

Audrey was beaming but chose to hide her smile into her oversized sleeve. She now smelled like soap.

"Well, regardless… thank you for a night I'll…never forget!" Audrey tried to contain her smile.

Percy was sure that his insides really wanted to be outside. They might even look more appetising than Audrey's oats.

"Did you understand?" Audrey beamed. She noticed his lack of response, her face fell. "Well, it was a joke. Um…"

"I understand," he prompted. Percy did not know why his heart warmed at that? Was this indigestion from the juice?

At least they used protection! Percy thought to himself. At that time, it never did it come to his mind that they might've done it more than once and that was why Audrey couldn't… feel her genitals. He only ever owned one of Charlie's 'emergency wallet condoms'. Penelope was on the potion, so he never really had a chance to use it.

He took a shower in her flat, which felt more intimate than having breakfast with her. All this felt more intimate than the fact that he'd actually managed to sleep with this woman. Percy was now even more sure that he did because he had rips in his underpants that were not there before, and he felt sore in… unnatural places.

Percy was sure that despite his many O.W.L's, he would probably never find out what happened last night.

Fortunately, he did not think he wanted to know, especially when he realised he now had more ink on his body than he did in his reports! Percy nearly fainted seeing the drawings scrawled all over him. He was not opening a shop in Knockturn Alley. He did not need these! He decided that his first order of business was going back to his flat to read the Ministry's Complete Book of Rules and Regulations Since 1945: The Extended, Revised Version to make sure that having mythical beings tattooed to various parts of his body wasn't against the law. If it was not against the law, he might consider sending it a few owls to the Minister asking why the bloody hell not! Percy would say that he considered removing them, but he had a problem not using something he paid for.

Later that night, Percy apparated to her flat again because he was bothered by the fact that he slept with a woman and then left her flat with more questions than answers! So, Percy prepared a list of questions that he wrote on a piece of parchment paper. Regrettably, he spilled coffee on it during a mental breakdown in Crouch's office. Now, he had to rely purely on his short attention span and deteriorating memory to ask her these questions.

When Audrey opened the door, she looked a surprised to see him there. He'd say that she was expecting her local Chinese takeaway, but he doubted that she knew what oil and sweet and sour sauce were.

"Hello," Percy said. He wondered if she had any ink on her body—'like a book, like a book, like a very educational manual on werewolf rights' he told himself. That was question thirty-five, but he decided that it was too inappropriate. "I… I have a set of questions that I believe that-that only you… you could answer."

"Well, Percival…" Audrey was wearing heels. She was almost five feet tall! "I only really have time for one question."

A question? A singular question? Percy felt like he was in Hogwarts again, pestering Professor Flitwick at one am!

"Well…the question th-that's been bothering me since I left…" Percy ran his hand through his hair. Was she hurt? Did she really eat that for breakfast? Did he break her pelvis? She was very small. "Do-do we have a relationship status?"

Audrey just shook her head. "I don't think we do, Percival." He did not ask her if she could now feel her genitals, and he did not tell her that he was still trying to swallow the lump of her dry, bland oats. "Do you want us to…?"

"Not in particular," Percy said, but then he felt bad. Because he supposed he should most definitely want a relationship with this woman that he slept with. It only made sense! "Are you… are you alright, Audrey?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Audrey nodded her head. "My health is in check. My favourite café started selling sugar-free hazelnut syrup! Well… well, I don't really like hazelnuts but it's one step closer to them serving me my soy latte with sugar-free vanilla! I also sold a rather battered copy of Wuthering Heights today to a desperate student in sixth form!"

Percy didn't know if she was lying. Of course, he was lying to her, but that didn't seem particularly relevant especially since his worries were mostly related to the fact that he was very burnt out from all the work that he had to do.

"Is… is that all?" Audrey asked. "I do have a job, you know."

"Yes, that's just fine—oh… wait, no!" Percy got his rucksack out. His two days of paperwork managed to fall onto the ground—most of which were stabbed red. He felt like Snape was marking his papers!

"I don't know if I have enough insurance to cover for a heart attack," she said. "They're very expensive, you know."

"I'm… I'm not having a heart attack, madam! Miss… Audrey Claire Brown!" Percy ate that inedible mealy porridge in the morning. That should protect his heart for at least a decade. Oh, Merlin be good, how long had that pot of tuna pasta salad been in his rucksack? He'd been wondering what the funny smell in his office was. He just assumed that it was that new bloke that barely took a shower to conserve the environment! And did he have spello-tape in his rucksack? He'd been looking everywhere for that blasted thing! Did you know how much trouble it would've saved him today?

"Are you sure?" Audrey raised an eyebrow. "What is that smell? It's rank!" maybe now, he was having a heart attack!

"I… WELL, this… this is for you!" Percy managed to get a two-knut bookmark out of his back. There was a very badly drawn gardenia on the very top of it. It looked almost sexual. He was three for three, right?

"Oh…" Audrey stared into his eyes for a little bit. "Very well." That was when he noticed she had a scar on her lip.

When he noticed that she noticed what he was staring at, Percy flushed. She placed her hand on it and glared at him.

"Yes… well, it was nice meeting you. Though I am particularly sure that it is likely that we will never see each other again," Percy cleared his throat. "I-I… I hope that your favourite café continues to serve…nuts."

Percy wished he spilled his coffee on his genitals instead of his parchment paper. To punish himself for being the world's biggest wally plonker twat. "Goodbye, Audrey."

"Goodbye, Percival." She nodded her head, with her hand still on her mouth. "I… I sent a loaf for Penelope. The one she bought as a flat-warming gift was so unsatisfactory. I'll… I'll do the same for you. Since we're… yes… alright!"

"Yes…? Yes what? What are we?" Percy asked, but then Audrey slammed the door. "Audrey! Are you alright?"

When he heard sobbing, he knocked on the door again. "Audrey, can we talk?" she didn't even tell him to go away.

"I'm sorry I upset you!" Percy yelled. "You… you don't have to make a loaf for me! My mum feeds me a lot!"

"Really!" Percy continued. "You should come over for Christmas as my… friend… person that I shagged…bookstore owner! She'd… she'd feed you so much that-that you might… graduate to a size four!"

Soon after, Percy gave up. He could see that Audrey closed her lights. He didn't want to keep her up another night.

"The weather is nice, isn't it?" Percy yawned "It's… well, I can't feel my groin. But… you'd love this weather!"

Percy supposed that was a no, because she didn't answer him. In fact, she didn't bother answering him for the rest of the week either. After that, he got extremely busy because Crouch was owling in sick so often! Percy wished he could understand. But he was the bloke that slept with a woman and then gawked at the lip scar. He didn't even know what the name of her bookstore was, or what her favourite café was…

But four years later, his coffee order was now a soy vanilla latte with sugar-free syrup. Daphne made him about fifty cups of coffee in the past week alone, but she still hadn't managed to figure that one out!