Note: This was inspired by the recent subzero temps that just assailed the Northeast USA (lows of 5 degrees and highs of 19 degrees Fahrenheit?! WTF?!). I figured that, snow leopard or not, even Tai Lung has limits. Also, I know this is out of order for the shuffle...I don't care. I wrote this one first. So there :P

Disclaimer: Don't own it, but I own the text, and my own twisted/perverted sense of humor. Also, major warning about language!

Enjoy!


Taigress Mix

Track six: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun


It wasn't that Tai Lung was impatient; he just didn't like dealing with idiots. Okay, it was safe to assume he had a little patience for "bears of very little brain" as he called them (with a pointed look at Po). And, of course, he had plenty of patience when it came to his girlfriend…was she his girlfriend?

Well, lets see, we've technically been seeing each other for the past six months, and okay, we haven't exactly gone on 'dates', unless you count the sex…which he did, actually. He couldn't help it; it was great sex.

As to her own feelings on the matter, Tigress was mostly silent. He said 'mostly', only because she wasn't silent when they shared intimate moments together. In fact, she was the opposite of silent…not that he was complaining. Though he worried that her, ah, 'energetic exaltations' would cause their secret to come out, and at the most inopportune time, he thoroughly loved every minute of it; even, he admitted (though never aloud), after they were done and had cuddled up together. Especially the cuddling. Yes, Tai Lung, Master of the Thousand Scrolls, would-be Dragon Warrior, Scourge of the Valley of Peace, and Bad-ass extraordinaire…liked cuddling.

He also liked breathing; it was a hobby he found most invigorating. Which was why he remained judiciously silent and cowed under Shifu's penetrating glares. There was no way the old man could know. They had been discrete…hadn't they? Tigress hated having to lie to her master, and every day, she said, it felt like she was just giving herself more rope to hang herself with. The longer they waited to tell Shifu the truth, the more trouble they'd be in when he found out.

Across the room, Tigress caught the snow leopard's eyes and motioned with her own that today was the day. This made him break out into a cold sweat, no matter how cold he already was.

No, Shifu didn't scare him…the red panda scared the shit out of him. That fight over the Dragon Scroll? Oh, sure, he could hide behind the bravado and call the master an old man, but truth be told, Shifu had raised him. Shifu had raised the snow leopard as any father would: with just enough affection, but whose name incited cold-blooded fear with the words "wait until your father gets home". THAT was the kind of father Shifu was. Tai Lung actually owed it to Shifu: he was the reason Vachir never scared him. The wrath of smaller animals scared the snow leopard more because they could be…disturbingly creative with their punishments.

It was just two weeks into the new year, and the snows had become so deep that Shifu grudgingly cancelled practice until further notice. Which meant in no uncertain terms that it was simply not worth braving waist-deep snow to go work up a sweat in the training hall, then work your way back through the cold; it was tantamount to suicide by pneumonia or hypothermia…and possibly some nasty frostbite.

This also meant that in order for the less cold-adapted masters to stave off freezing, they had all gathered in the meditation hall in front of a large fire pit in order to keep warm.

Of course, this also meant that most of them were bored out of their minds, especially the snow cat. He couldn't go to the Sacred Hall of Warriors for reading material, couldn't train, and worst of all, he couldn't have alone time with his "main squeeze" (as she called him, and it thus seemed more than appropriate for him to apply it to her as well). The snow was too deep even for his liking, and he liked the cold. But just this morning, he decided that he had limits, and having the breath knocked out of him from the first inhalation of arctic air was not his idea of fun. Winter weather in general, he could handle; winter weather from a place with temperatures that made Mongolia look like a tropical paradise, not so much. What cinched the deal, in his opinion, was finding that his whiskers had frozen into icicles; yeah, today was not a good day.

So there he was, wrapped in a blanket—him, shivering!—and wishing like mad that he was anywhere else but here. Like back in the cave, with Tigress, both of them finding warmth in each other… No, stop. Don't think about that, or you're going to get into one hell of an awkward predicament.

It didn't help that they kept adding more and more wood to the fire pit without any conceivable effect. Viper and Mantis got as close to the fire as they dared, and even Shifu had to admit he wasn't as warm as he would have liked to be.

Finally, Viper decided to break the monotony. "That's it! If I have to listen to silence any more, I'm going insane!"

"Great, mind if I come with you?" Tai Lung muttered. Viper heard him, sending him an unimpressed glare…then smiled wickedly. "Oh, Tai Lung?"

"What?"

"Truth…or dare?"

He groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. "You cannot be serious…"

"I am serious! Besides, what else are we going to do? We need to keep ourselves occupied or we'll all go nuts."

"She's got a point," Mantis said, shivering beneath his own blanket. "Besides, I don't think anyone minds if you make a total ass out of yourself."

"I feel so loved," the snow leopard said. He heard Tigress giggle and he cracked a small smile for her benefit. "You are all welcome to embarrass yourselves, but I'm not getting involved…"

"Bullshit," Viper snapped. "Truth or Dare."

"No," he growled, stubbornly crossing his arms and scowling. "I'm not playing this game."

"You've never played Truth or Dare before, have you?"

"It doesn't matter, I'm not playing."

"Too bad. It's my turn and I pick…Tigress!"

"Crap," the striped feline cursed.

"Truth or Dare?"

Tigress rolled her eyes but sent a furtive glance to her lover that had him worried. Did she feel Viper suspected something, and was just trying to out them? Tigress sighed and chose the safest path: "Truth."

Safest path, my tail, he thought.

Viper smirked, "What's the craziest, zaniest thing you've ever done?"

Tigress sent her friend a glare. Tai Lung inwardly panicked. Viper knew. She just wanted the other Five, Po, Master Shifu, and now Tai Lung to know that she knew…

"No," Tigress refused.

"Come on!"

Now Shifu was watching his daughter suspiciously, and making them just that more uncomfortable. Tigress glanced over at Tai Lung, and he wanted to shout 'No, no, don't you dare! He'll kill us…and me first!' Finally, he sighed and just waved it off; he'd at least try to die with as much dignity as being murdered by a red panda could have. "Just get it over with, Princess," Tai Lung grumbled.

"Alright, fine…" Tigress got up and strode right across the room to where he was sitting and leaned down, firmly pressing her lips to his.

Everyone in the room gasped. Shifu was watching, wide-eyed, meeting Tai Lung's shell-shocked stare as Tigress—oh holy hell!—straddled the snow leopard's lap and deepened the kiss further, purring against his lips.

Oh, he was dead, he was so dead…especially if he started kissing back. Keep it together, don't let Shifu suspe—oh dear god, what is she doing with her tongue?! I didn't know she could do—oh, damn!

The look on Shifu's face was distraught and unreservedly scandalized.

Oh fuck it, the snow leopard decided and started kissing back. If I'm going to die, I might as well enjoy this while I can…

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer and returning her deep kiss with one of his own, which had her purrs turning to moans against his lips.

When Tigress finally pulled away, he had a dazed look on his face, and a whimper waiting for when Shifu finally exploded. Tigress looked over and smirked at Viper. "The craziest, zaniest thing I've ever done…is that. That takes care of the 'dare' too."

Viper cursed, and would have snapped her fingers if she'd had any. "Damn."

Now here it was, the moment of truth. Both felines looked at Shifu, whose eye had begun to twitch, perfectly complimenting the distraught look on his face. Tai Lung figured he looked even more petrified.

"Tai Lung, truth or dare?" Tigress asked.

He stared at her, wondering if she were serious. She was. Fuck. "Erm…dare."

"I dare you to tell Shifu about us."

FUCK.

"Tell Shifu about what?" the red panda growled. Tai Lung was, and not for the first time, and he doubted it would be the last, absolutely terrified. He's going to kill me, he's going to kill me, he's going to kill me… "We, ah…" he started, searching for the right words to break it easily to him. "Me and Tigress, er, Tigress and I, we, ah…we've…" he almost faltered under the master's glare. "We've been…seeing each other. Since Xiaoshu…sort of."

"Sort of?" the red panda asked with an arched brow and threatening stare.

"Well, it ah, got kind of serious in the past month…"

"How serious?"

"We love each other," Tigress finally said. "It took us five months, but we finally admitted it."

"It took you five months to come to this realization?" he grilled. "Five months?"

"Master, lets think about who you're talking to here," she said bluntly. Her gaze softened. "Those first two months he was here were brutal, and I hated him with every fiber of my being. But he…we started talking. Just talking. After that, well…we thought we'd give it a shot…"

"We—I didn't expect anything," Tai Lung interjected, fighting down the surging dread. "I thought she was kidding, that she would come to her senses and just break it off, and we'd laugh about it later. But I…" he looked up at her, and gently pulled her down to sit next to him; he wrapped a protective arm around her, feeling his fear ebbing away now that she was next to him. "I love her. Don't ask me when it happened, I have no bleeding clue. It just…happened."

Tigress smiled at him and rested her head on his shoulder, savoring the closeness and the warmth of his body. Both she and her…boyfriend—was he her boyfriend?—stared back at Shifu, waiting for the eruption of the red panda's temper.

But Shifu was silent, unnervingly so. His expression was unreadable, and now both felines felt terror surging through their veins. Finally, after he had shaken himself out of his shock, Shifu spoke, "I see."

Oh hell, here we go.

"And you kept this from me, why?"

The snow cat answered brusquely, "Because you scare the living shit out of me."

Shifu smirked, "As it should be. Then you must know what would happen if you compromised her honor…"

Oh shit. He gulped, ready to lie…

"Too late," Tigress stated. Tai Lung winced and mewled in fear, then quickly tried to formulate an escape plan; he'd rather risk freezing to death than face Shifu's wrath. Shifu was too stunned to answer right away, his jaw hanging open. "Excuse me?"

Tigress blushed uneasily. "All you need to know is that we're careful, and he is very respectful—and if he weren't, he'd be in a hospital's intensive care ward by now. Also, remember, I've been taking those special herbs since I was sixteen…"

Shifu remembered. He'd been vehemently against it, until Oogway suggested it might be a good idea. Tigress' temper around the time of her monthly cycle was even worse than it was now…if that was possible; and her "womanly constrictions" would knock her out for days, keeping her curled up in agony instead of training. The herbs did have the desired effect, thankfully. Like his son, Shifu liked breathing as a hobby, a hobby that was threatened every time the tiger's "moon" was in its cycle. While the medicine opened up the possibility of something like…this…happening, Shifu trusted her enough not to follow through on that opening. Now that he knew about…this…he couldn't explain why he wasn't feeling betrayed.

"You love him?" he finally asked her.

"Yes," she answered immediately.

He fixed his icy gaze on his son, "And you love her?"

Tai Lung could only nod, fearing that if he spoke, it would only come out as a panicked, kitten-like noise.

Shifu looked at the both of them and for the moment, was completely speechless. Finally he groaned and held his head in his hands. So that was where those moans were coming from during the night; he had thought that it was ghosts somewhere on the mountain. But no, it had been…oh gods, he really didn't want to think about it. He never thought he'd say it, but… "I think I need a drink."

"…Wait, I'm not going to die?" Tai Lung asked, unable to keep the terrified mew from creeping in.

"Do you know the closest location of strong alcohol?"

"Kitchen, first cupboard on the left, top shelf, behind the soy sauce."

"Then no, I think I can keep you alive for a little longer." He stood and limped out of the room; he stopped only for a moment, then turned back, "Shot glasses there too?"

Tai Lung nodded.

"Good."

Once the master was gone, the two cats finally managed to look their comrades in the eye. The other five stared, just stared, and the couple just stared back. Feeling a need to break the awkward moment, both Po and Crane cleared their throats.

"So…" Crane said.

"What's it like?"

"PO!"

"What?"

Tai Lung glared, but fought down the urge to brag his heart out. When not in present company, he'd naturally have no problem extolling his own boudoir escapades and exploits. But as it was, he had a feeling that if he bragged, Tigress would get angry enough to either filet him alive, or worse: withhold sex as a punishment. With this in mind, he replied, "Frankly, panda, that's none of your damn business. I'm not the type to kiss and—"

"It's hot, totally hot, especially when he nibbles around the nape of my neck..." Tigress gushed to Viper, who was squeezing as much dirt out as possible and giggling naughtily. When Tigress caught his eye, she sent him a no-nonsense look. "Oh, like you're going to complain about me bragging about you?"

Playing to his vanity, he had to concede, even if Tigress had begun whispering all the dirty details of their most recent coupling to her only female confidante. The snow leopard sighed and rolled his eyes, Women…


Special note: xiaoshu is a term in the Chinese lunar calendar meaning "slight heat", and when compared to western astrology, occurs when Leo is near its zenith. Dashu is "great heat" which, naturally, occurs mid-August. It took me FOREVER to find that information. Finally stumbled on this site which helped tremendously:

http:// weber,ucsd,edu /~dkjordan /chin /hbcalendar-u,html

Remember to take out spaces and replace commas with periods. *basks in the awe-inspiring awesomeness of her Google-Fu*

Read and review, please!