Trish woke up the next morning deeply upset. Her heart felt as if it were dragged down by heavy weights. Feelings consumed her mind and heart making it impossible for her to focus on anything else. It was her weekend "off"-she was supposed to be relaxing and enjoying it all. Instead, she couldn't even make herself sit down long enough to watch an episode of her favorite show. She went to the bathroom to draw a hot bath hoping it would clear her mind as it usually did. As she did, however, she couldn't shake the feeling that today she would get in only to change her mind and hop out right away. Wandering out of the bathroom, she found herself putsying around the house doing snippets of different chores from her long to-do list hoping to find relief for her aching heart.
By eleven o'clock, it was glaringly obvious that the entire day was going to be a loss if she didn't somehow deal with her feelings. She wanted to cover it all over and say she was fine. That's what she would have said if someone had asked her. However, it was clear as day to her that she was not fine. She was suffering.
When she had said no to Dez's request to go out and get ice cream with him and the kids, she had had no idea that her decision would bring her so much misery. The ice cream trip was long over now. She shouldn't still be thinking about it, but she couldn't help it. In her mind's eye, it was still going on, and she was along. Their favorite ice cream parlor was as rustic as ever with its black and white checkered tile floors and rough red booths. The Beach Boys were blaring, and the young kids serving ice cream were cheerful as ever. They were all settled at their favorite booth in the corner. She and Bryan were devoring chocolate cones, while Dez and Max were enjoying cookies and cream. When he thought she wasn't looking, Dez was slipping Esmeralda licks of his cone. That thought caught her off guard a little. They hadn't gone out for ice cream as a family with Esmeralda. She had never seen him giving Esmeralda his cone, yet she could see it like she had been there. Maybe it was because he always fed his ice cream to the baby. She wasn't sure. All she knew was that she wished she had been there to see it.
There was a name for the feelings she was feeling she realized as she continued to reflect-bitter regret. She was upset she had missed the trip to the ice cream shop. Screw the consequences, she was wishing she had gone. She missed the kids...being a family...and Dez. If she was honest, he was the piece that was missing. She still had the kids, but she didn't have Dez-his unwaivering support, his help with parenting, his deep love and affection. She missed that all more than she could ever say. Sure, she regretted missing the trip, but she missed his constant presence in her life even more.
It was clear to her that she had to decide what she was going to do about him or she was going to continue to feel this bad or worse. Yes, it was complicated and messy, and she didn't want to decide. She had to. There was no other choice. She just couldn't continue to push it all into the future. She plopped down onto the couch with a sigh and closed her eyes.
The sound of her phone ringing jerked her awake. "Hello?" She said in a voice that she was sure sounded very tired.
"Oh, hi, Trish." Kira's excited voice came through the line. "I thought you might actually be able to talk today since the kids are with Dez this weekend, right?"
"Yeah, they're with Dez, and I finally have some time to talk. Sorry, I haven't answered my phone lately. I've been busy, you know," Trish said by way of explanation.
"I can only imagine. I feel busy, but when I get home it's just me and Lucy. She doesn't demand much of me except for dinner and a walk in the park," Kira laughed. "How have you been, Trish? It's so good to finally hear from you."
"I'm doing well. Bryan just finished his first soccer season yesterday, so that was definitely a big cause for celebration. Esmeralda's walking around a lot now, and I'm hoping Max is finally starting to grow out of his picky eating habits. You know, typical mom stuff."
"Sounds like fun," Kira said lightheartedly. "Be sure to tell Bryan his Auntie Kira sends her congratulations."
"I will. He'll be so excited. He adores you." Trish smiled thinking about how Kira was such a great surrogate aunt to the kids. "And how are you, Kira?" Trish asked. Although the two had got closer as the years passed, Trish knew Kira well enough to know that she wouldn't call unless she had something on her mind.
Kira's tone was upbeat when she replied. "I'm doing well, too. Thanks for asking."
"And..." Trish paused mentally counting to ten knowing Kira wouldn't be able to hold it in for much longer than that.
"I've been thinking about it a lot, and I would like to give the music business another shot. I really enjoyed my interior design class this last semester, but interior design just isn't for me. It's fun. It really is. But music is what has my heart. I know I said I was giving it up for good and that it's not stable enough of a career for me. But I just can't give it up. I've got to give it another shot." Kira took a deep breath and then paused. "I thought I'd talk to you since you're one of the best managers in the business."
Trish had to laugh. "Out of the business," she whispered.
"What?" Kira asked uncharacteristically impatient.
"I'm out of the business now," Trish said. "And have been for a number of years."
"Well, daddy always said you were tremendous, and I'm asking you to venture back in just to help me," Kira explained. "Please? I've even got some ideas."
"Well, for you I will, " Trish said with feigned reluctance. "Just don't go blabbing to all your friends about this. It's not like I exactly have time for lots of extra side jobs right now."
"Thank you, thank you," Kira said sincerely. "I'm just so excited. Maybe I'm crazy. There's no way it's going to be easy. I'm not young. I'm trying to figure out my style and how to break out of my dad's shadow, but somehow I can't shake the feeling that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm thirty this year, Trish. A couple of weeks ago, it was hitting me really hard. I'm living alone, still working at my dad's company less sure of what I want to do with my life then I did when I was eighteen. It's not a bad spot to be really, but I'm not getting any younger. All of this drifting and putsying just seemed really pointless at that moment. I asked myself why I didn't just pursue what mattered to me. That's always been music, not design. As I've thought about it, I can't help but realize that this is my destiny. It's going to be me and music forever. I'm made to make music, and every day that I don't is a waste. I'm too old to not pursue what matters."
Trish felt her heart swell with joy to hear that Kira had finally made a decision. "That's great that you've found your destiny. I know I always said I hated to work, but finding my career has been the best thing that's happened to me."
"But what about Dez?" Kira asked. "I thought you told me confidentially that he was the best thing to happen to you? Or has that all gone south now?"
Trish was silent for a moment. She honestly wasn't sure what to say. The torrent of feelings returned with a vengeance overwhelming her and leaving her almost unable to speak.
Kira was apologetic when she broke the silence. "I'm sorry I asked. Just forget about it."
"It's okay," Trish said rallying her courage and trying to keep her voice from shaking. "To be honest, I haven't been sure what I think lately. Sometimes, all I can think about is how he left. The pain is overwhelming, and it feels like it's happening all over again. Other times, I just miss him so badly I feel like I have to tell him. He's acting like he wants to get back together, and he's been really sweet, but he still hasn't told me why he did what he did. "
"Oh, Trish. I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. I can't help feeling sad thinking about what happened to you guys. You were just so perfect together. You were one of those couples who gave me hope that someday I'd find my happily ever after. I'd see him look at you, and it would totally make me melt. I've always believed you two were destined to be together. I'm mean who reconnects with their old high school friend after college and starts dating? What are the chances of that happening?" Kira gushed.
"Well, he did invite me to come out and be part of his movie," Trish said matter of factly.
"Either way you still ended up together in the end. I'm not you, so I can't know what you should do, but I can't help thinking that you should give it another chance. Lots of couples screw up, but not everyone has what you have. It's special. I've always known that. How many guys would really offer to take the kids on the weekends when they're as little as yours are? Dez really loves you, Trish. I'm sure of it. Don't be to quick to throw it all away." Kira paused for a breath. "I've said too much. I'm sorry. I better go."
"It's okay," Trish said. "I'll be checking into some options for you, and I'll get back to you soon."
"Thank you, Trish. Talk to you soon," Kira said before hanging up.
Kira's words sent her reeling. What she and Dez had was special? She had never considered it as such. What they had was merely the outcome of the direction her life had taken. It was just one of million possibilities. How easily could she have fallen in love with Jace or Chuck or her boss? By chance or by choice, she wasn't sure which, she had fallen in love with Dez instead and married him.
But what if Kira was right? What if what they had was special? What if they were destined to be together? What if the bond they shared was so strong that nothing in the universe could tear them apart?
Trish honestly didn't know. She had never really believed in destiny, and she wasn't sure she did now. All she knew was that she loved Dez. She wouldn't be grieving his absence in her life if she didn't. Sure, he had hurt her causing pain deeper than she had imagined possible, but despite the pain she still wanted him back.
She had been feeling the ache of his absence for months, but she had sat back passively preferring to write about what true love did instead of doing it herself. It was time to practice what she preached. It was time to take a risk and choose love-choose Dez.
Author's note: I'm sorry this is so long in coming. I intended to write it sooner, but somehow it didn't happen. Anyway, I hope that this isn't terribly repetitive and that you enjoyed reading it. I'd love to know what you think.
