Life Ain't Easy
Elle killed the engine of her car and blew out a frustrated sigh as she looked to her front stoop. Holly sat there, straight-backed with a mixture of mournfulness and guilt written all over her face and even from a far, Elle could tell that she really didn't want to deal with this situation. She was tired, worn out from the long day and investigation paperwork that she had been working on, and although Elle hated to admit it; she really didn't want to deal with her and Holly's problems right now. Still, she tried to disengage from the feeling of being slighted and disappointed with Holly's reaction to her news as she headed towards her stoop.
"Hey," she offered, a weak but nimble olive branch to Holly. "I didn't expect you to be here," she admitted awkwardly. She was tired and …angry …something she wouldn't readily concede to herself or Holly. Yet, seeing Holly, here at dusk, on her doorstep made that small frustration boil up again.
"Hi," Holly answered said softly. She felt nervous and sick all at the same time. She was not good at this…as a matter of fact, she rarely had to do things like this. Holly had always prided herself on being upfront and honest; but now she found herself in a miserable situation. "Gabrielle, we need to talk…"
"Gabrielle," Elle said absently. "It's never good when the whole name is being used," Elle said blatantly. Holly had rehearsed what she would say a million times, but sitting in front of Elle now, the words seemed a little impossible to say. After a while of silence, Elle being fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "What is it Holly? You definitely weren't at a loss of words earlier," Elle couldn't help, but make the dig.
"Elle…" Holly covered her eyes with hand momentarily. "Elle…"
"Whatever it is…just say it," Elle took a deep breath. "It'll hurt more to bullshit me." Elle wasn't sure that statement was true, but it sounded like the right thing to say. Still, the look on Holly's face let her know that this was catastrophic. "What is it Holly?"
"I don't want to hurt you, Elle," Holly rationalized.
"Ouch…so this is going to hurt," Elle closed her eyes. She knew, in reality, what was happening, but the least Holly could do was tell her.
Holly resolve was breaking, but she took in some air to fortify her next words. "I'm still hung up on Gail Peck…I still love Gail Peck," Holly admitted humbly.
"Wow…nope…perhaps bullshitting me would have hurt less," Elle's green eyes filled with water. "You are in love with her?" it wasn't really a question, just a miserable statement that Elle needed to hear from her own mouth. "You are in love with Detective Gail Peck…of course you are…"
"Elle…"
"No…don't…" Elle stopped Holly. "Don't try to explain how I'm a good person and how it's not my fault. I should have known better," Elle chastised herself. "Did you and her…" Elle didn't want to finish the sentence. Elle knew the answer, in all honesty, she knew when Holly volunteered to take Gail home the other night that something was wrong. "When you took her home…from the hospital…"
The guilt dripped from Holly's face. "Elle, I'm so sorry," she tried to stop her voice from trembling, but it was impossible. "I enjoy being with you so much …it's just…the feelings are still there for her."
It was a crushing statement, yet Elle had figured as much. "Well, who am I to stand in the way of feelings," Elle commented bitterly. "I bet next you'll say we can be friends one day."
"I just want to be honest with you …"
"And you couldn't do that before you decided to …whatever you two did?" Elle asked sadly.
"I didn't plan it; I never meant to hurt you," Holly stated honestly. "I really like you, but I would only be leading you on."
"Well as long as I'm not being lead on," Elle nodded moving up the stairs to her front door. "Good luck Holly…you and Detective Peck…good luck with that," Elle's voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Elle…" Holly began, but the girl had already closed her front door behind her.
"Do you believe in happy endings?" was the last thing Gail remembered asking Chelyn. They were both lying on the top of Chelyn's queen sized bed, the room spinning slightly more for Chelyn than it was for Gail. They had made it back from the bar thirty minutes earlier and it was Gail's intentions to sober up some more before driving home. Her phone had rang three more times at the bar before Holly had given up and quit trying to contact her. It had taken all of Gail's willpower, and about four mixed drinks, for Gail not to answer that phone. Although Holly's accusations had stepped on her feelings, she wanted nothing more than to hear Holly's voice and eventually be in her arms again.
Chelyn had sat up a little too quickly and then rearranged herself on the bed. "I've never experienced a happy ending," Chelyn had replied.
"You are practically still a teenager," Gail retorted, realizing she was just lashing out because Chelyn hadn't provided the answer she wanted. Chelyn had laughed and turned onto her side and closed her eyes. Gail had done the exact same thing, only turning to the opposite side when she closed her eyes.
Gail figured she hadn't closed her eyes for more than three minutes when she felt that strangling feeling in her throat. It was quick and her heart felt like it was about to explode. She opened her eyes and strained to see the clock near Chelyn's bed. It was close to two in the morning, which meant she had been sleeping for about four hours, and although it was a strain, she managed to get up without Chelyn noticing. Gail could feel the heat rise from her sweaty skin and it was terrifying to make her way down the hallway and into the kitchen. She opened the cabinets and pulled down a glass and turned on the faucet. The water felt cold and wet sliding down her throat, but it didn't drown away the feeling of doom looming over her. Gail took quick shallow breaths, but she still couldn't manage to breathe properly.
"Please don't let Chelyn wake up," she mumbled quickly. She couldn't let Chelyn see her like this. She sat in the darkness of the kitchen until the attack finally subsided. "I can't keep going through this shit," Gail said embarrassed with herself. She made her way back down the hallway to make sure Chelyn was still asleep, which she was. She thought about waking the girl, but decided against it. Instead she picked up her cell phone and car keys and dialed Holly's number as she headed out of cabin. Holly answered on the second ring.
"Is it too late to be calling?" Gail asked gently.
"No," Holly answered and Gail could hear something strange in her voice.
"What's the matter?" Holly tried to conceal the fact that she had been awake all night crying, but Gail picked up on it immediately. "Hey, I'm coming over," Gail said since Holly wasn't answering her.
"Okay," Holly agreed.
"What happened?" Gail questioned, cupping Holly's face and looking into her puffy read eyes.
"I told her the truth," Holly responded. "I told Elle that I was still in love with you."
Gail didn't know whether to be extremely happy or extremely guilty. "She didn't take it well?"
"She took it like a trooper…that's why I feel like shit," Holly admitted sitting back on her couch and picking up a glass of wine in front of her. "I've been a bitch, to you, definitely to her…I don't know who I am anymore, Gail."
Gail took a seat on the other end of the couch. "Holly, you aren't a bad person," Gail said tightly. "Why do you keep thinking that you are?"
"Because I led someone on …"
"No, you didn't! It's been four days and we didn't plan this. We can't help how we feel…I know that I can't help how I feel about you. I mean, even when you assume the worse of me…"
"I don't think the worse of you…"
"Then how in the hell did you jump to the worse possible conclusion about me earlier. Like I would put someone in danger all over some jealousy?" Gail asked angrily. Even though there was no doubt she loved Holly, very little hurt her more than knowing that Holly assumed that she would use her position to stick it to Elle. "How do you think that makes me feel…?"
"I'm sorry. I know…" Holly said pulling her hair out of her face. "We don't trust each other anymore, do we?"
Gail's blue eyes lit up. "I trust you…"
"Gail…" she said softly.
"It's not easy to talk about with anyone," Gail tried to explain again; and the thought of what had happen earlier washed over her. "It happened today…when I was with Chelyn."
"You had a panic attack?" Holly's eyes got big. "Are you okay," she reached out and took Gail's hand.
"I'm fine," Gail shrugged it off.
"Gail…" Holly said moving closer.
Gail swallowed slowly. She knew she couldn't hide from Holly, which was terrifying in itself. "I can handle it…without any help," she added quickly. She knew that Holly would only want her to seek treatment and she couldn't do that right now. She was a Detective, and she had a team to lead. How could her team respect her if they knew she had a panic disorder?
Holly closed her eyes and shook her head. "What are we going to do? I want to be with you, I love you, but we aren't the same people we were a year ago."
Gail realized that this was the truth. They couldn't just pick up where they left off. "Why don't we take it slow…date?" Gail suggested.
Holly looked at her skeptically. "Do you really want to date me?"
Gail thought about it a moment. "More than anything in the world…we gotta start somewhere, Hol," she said easily.
Holly considered Gail's words. "Okay," she agreed. "I would love to date you, Gail Peck," she finally smiled.
A/N: Hey everyone, thought everyone should read the chapter and then get the A/N :) First off, it was never going to be my intention to have Holly drag either Elle or Gail along; I don't think she is that type of person; I just think it's pretty hard to break-up with someone when they aren't doing anything specifically wrong. However, Holly does still love Gail and I think she respects that feeling. Still, please don't think I'm going to leave Elle hanging, something fun is in store for EVERYONE so please enjoy. And as always, I own nothing and please comment and review!
